Hello my friends, I have to warn you that this fic is going to be sad, a little angsty with a spoonful of drama and if you behave -winks- maybe (key word maybe) there could be a happily ever after. The pairing's going to be Rizzles, it's going to be a really long and painful way to get there, but we'll get there one way or another. I really hope you like, I wrote this with help of my friends (Ana Paula, Evely and Pilar) as a school project, basing it in a picture that had this quote (?) "A shot to kill the pain.A pill to drain the shame.A purge to stop the gain. A cut to break the vein. A smoke to ease the crave. A drink to win the game. An addiction's an addiction…Because it always hurts the same." I hope you get the drill and that you enjoyed.

TW: Suicide, Self-harm, Violence (?) and yeah.

PS: This is my first Rizzles fic (kind of)

A shot to kill the pain

My hands tremble. They shake from the pain and the fear.

Is it going to end like this?

Is it really going to be over?

You are a coward. You have so much to live for. I love you.

I hear the voices of people that don't get what I've been through, what I've survived; they don't get that those who claim to love me always leave me after realizing that I'm just a burden.

They don't get that this is the only way to stop the pain; they just don't care to get it.

They don't get that after all, I'm all alone; that I'm not going to leave anything or anyone important behind.

For a brief moment my mind begins to wander and I think of Maura, the colleague turned (best) friend…kind of.

I think of the dimples that form when she smiles, the way she rambles about random facts, the inner child inside of her that resurfaces every once in a while, the way she bits her lip when she'd thinking really hard and how more often than not I wonder how they would feel against mi-

I shake my head, thinking of how it'd be impossible, how she wouldn't want to be with some that is so brokenand with so many scars left by everyone else that has come into my life; instead of thinking of how much it would hurt her to be the one called to my house because they found a body.

I can imagine how that would work out, maybe she'd be in her couch reading a medical journal while pretending to watch some documentary or maybe feeding Bass those British strawberries he seems to be fond of after a long day in the precinct, telling him how her they went before pouring herself a glass of wine; her phone would ring and she would answer in her most professional voice.

"Dr. Isles" she'd say before running franticly out of the house, tears running down her face before getting in her car, taking a deep breath while trying to calm herself and whispering "It can't be true, I just saw her a few hours ago" her mind running wild with different scenarios of what had happened.

Was it Hoyt? No, it couldn't be, he's dead. Maybe he had another apprentice. What about all those killers she has put behind bars? Were they looking for revenge? What if someone was killed in her apartment as a warning, it could happen, right? Maybe she fell down or hurt herself and is refusing medical help so they had to call me.

She'd do something she'd never do in different circumstances, I can imagine her speeding down the streets of Boston –breaking a few laws in the way- and praying to God for my wellbeing.

Once outside my apartment, she would be able to recall how was she able to get in her in such a short time, she'd notice the yellow tape signaling that this was a (crime) scene of some sorts and race to my room, where she'd fine my lifeless body clutching a note that says 'I'm Sorry'

She'd try to revive me, do something to prove that it was a really bad joke and that I'd open my eyes and laugh at her for believing that I'd take my life, but my eyes won't open and she'd realize that it was true, I was dead.

"How could you do this to me? To us?" she'd yell, tears running down her face.

Maybe one of the officer would pull her of my body, struggling because she'd put on a fight.

I don't dare to dwell on it more or think about how my family (Frost and Korsak included) would react.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath.

Sweat and tears run down my face, through my lips, making me taste my salty frustration.

"It's time Janie" I hear him whisper in my ear, my hold on the gun tightens.

"We're going to be together again Jane… you belong with me" he laughs and a chill runs down my spine.

His voice and the chill are something that keeps me from doing it.

I don't want to be with him, I want Maura-

I keep sobbing on the bathroom floor, my breathing becomes heavier but I'm not strong enough to stop breathing, I know I could never kill what was growing inside me.

-but I know I could never have her

"Take deep breaths Jane" I can her Maura's voice in my mind "He's not here, he's dead. You killed him remember? You saved me" I can hear her smile, like all those times she has done it after I had those terrible nightmares that still keep me awake, those same nightmares that I kept from her and are pushing me to this.

To finish what he started.

He isn't really here. They're all gone. You're all alone.

I see his face; he's standing in front of me.

Mocking me and staring me down.

I'm not really in the mood anymore for his tempestuous personality.

I don't really want to shout at him, I'm not strong enough.

But anger posses me-

Images of Maura being touched by that asshole, running a scalpel up and down her neck, smiling wickedly at me, playing with my emotions and getting off with the fact that I love Maura (that I'm in love with her)

-it gets really bad.

But after a few moments it stops…

I'm so sorry Maura, I'm sorry I never told you how I feel about you, I'm sorry for not getting to wake up in your arms every morning and falling sleep in them every night, for not kissing your lips every single time you look like you want to be kissed, for those missing dinners and the family we'll never have.

I'm sorry for lying to you every time you asked me if I was okay, for saying Bass was a turtle because I love when you correct me saying he's a tortoise, for watching a baseball game instead of watching those foreign films you seem to like.

I put the gun against my temple, but I don't pull the trigger…I'm not going to do it, yet.

Closing my eyes, my mind invokes your face like it does every other day.

The phone rings…

…I'm sorry.

Hope you liked it, see you soon.

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*I don't own Rizzoli & Isles (and its characters)