In A Funhouse Mirror Darkly
_____
By: bluetiger
Rating: PG
Genres: satire
Keywords:
Summary: Emperor Tucker's life is not a bed of roses.
Author's Note: Okay, this is my attempt at a humorous MU
Charles Tucker the Third was having a crappy day, not that this was unusual. Ever since Trip and T'Pol had deposed Empress Sato, in a ridiculously easy coup, it had just been one hassle after another. The rapid changes in leadership had left the crew's heads spinning but nobody seemed to mind that Sato and Mayweather now resided in sickbay. The fact that their heads were in glass jars, T'Pol felt was a nice touch.
After the whole "mind control, force me to sabotage the ship, four hours in the agony booth" thing, Trip and T'Pol had come to an understanding. T'Pol would marry him, become his Empress, have his children, and Trip would not disintegrate her. All in all, T'Pol decided it was a good deal.
At the present time, Defiant was in orbit of Mularis IV. On the main screen was a purple skinned, rotund little bureaucrat spewing forth a fast pace load of gibberish.
"Fuller!" Tucker barked, "Get me a translation, I want to know what that idiot is saying."
Ensign Fuller sat at communications sweating profusely. She did not wish to tell her Captain/Emperor what the Mularian had to say.
"Fuller, if you can't do your job I'll get somebody up here that can," Tucker growled.
In a voice that quivered slightly, Fuller spoke, "Sir, he says they will not surrender or allow us to beam down, he spits in your breakfast of choice and you can kiss his round, little lavender ass."
Trip hung his head and heaved a sigh. Why did everything need to be so difficult?
"Tucker to Kelby, I need power diverted to forward phasers." When no answer was forth coming, Trip yelled, "Kelby!"
T'Pol calmly spoke, "Kelby was executed on my orders this morning. He was planning to assassinate you."
Trip rolled his eyes but said nothing to T'Pol. "Tucker to Hess."
"She was also executed."
"What?!?" Tucker swung around and looked at his mate. "What the hell did Anna do?"
"She was staring at your crotch during the entire morning briefing."
"T'Pol you can't kill everyone that crosses you, we'll run out of crewmen. That would be like executing steward Miller for leaving the salt off my breakfast tray this morning," Trip said with a laugh. Suddenly his smile faded, "T'Pol, you didn't?"
"Of course not…he is in the agony booth."
"T'Pol don't you think that's a little extreme?" Although after thinking about it for a moment, Trip had to admit; his grits and eggs sure could have used a little more salt. "Okay, but just for another hour."
Trip turned back to the main screen and the blathering little bureaucrat. "You have twenty-four Terran hours to surrender or be destroyed." He signaled Fuller to end transmission.
Captain Tucker stood and headed for his ready room with T'Pol following close on his heels.
"Why did you give the Mularians so long to surrender?" T'Pol asked her husband.
Turning Trip replied with hands on hips, "Because apparently I have to find a new chief engineer, a second for that engineer, and someone to serve me my dinner. Plus I'm tired, hungry, have a headache, and I need to pee."
"Actually, I was aware of that last part through the bond. Please go to the bathroom first," T'Pol said beginning to shift from one foot to the other.
******
After dinner that evening, His Supreme Highness, Grand Emperor of the Empire was sprawled naked across his bed reading a report on ships status. T'Pol approached him.
"I sense that you wish to engage in sexual activities tonight, would you like me to clothe myself as a French maid, Orion slave girl, or the Wonder Woman costume?
Tucker thought for a minute, "Surprise me."
Trip rolled over onto his stomach to finish the report. He looked up when he heard his mate re-enter. The smile left his face and the Emperor heaved a heavy sigh, T'Pol stood before him dressed as a Klingon woman complete with head ridges and gnarly teeth, carrying a cattle prod.
"You said to surprise you!"
"Yeah, well thatwasn't what I had in mind." Trip dropped his face to the bed and muttered, "Why can't I ever catch a break?" He then let out a loud yelp as the cattle prod made contact with his behind.
******
When morning came, Trip and T'Pol took their places on the bridge and the Captain signaled Fuller to contact the planet. The same little Mularian appeared on screen, at least Trip thought it was, to his mind all the fat little grapes looked alike. Fortunately for Fuller, she had the UT programmed with their language now.
Trip spoke to him using his most menacing voice, "You will surrender to the Empire and we will take your dilithium mines for our use."
The round little bureaucrat sneered, "Your mother works in a house of ill repute and your father is a low level government official."
Trip was pissed off now, "Engineering, ready phasers," he couldn't remember at the moment who he had promoted to chief. Turning back to the main screen he told the Mularian, "This is your last chance."
"Dine on the excrement of farm animals and pass on to your last reward, we will not surrender to you swine-faced humans," He gleefully replied and proceeded to activate several switches.
The screen changed to a view of the planet and a criss-cross grid began to form around the surface.
Tucker looked over to T'Pol, "Is that what I think it is?"
"Yes, it is a Tholian Verizon Wireless Web. Nothing can penetrate it."
"Dammit, that company will merge with anybody for a profit. What can we do now?"
Suddenly the curly haired, blond ensign at tactical jumped to her feet, "Captain, my brother used to work for Verizon. I can disable the grid, increase power to the phasers and forward cannons, improve life support efficiency, and bake a mean pecan pie."
Before Tucker could say anything, T'Pol rose to her feet and fired her weapon. Trip gave his mate a questioning look.
"She was really annoying," T'Pol stated calmly.
Trip looked at the smoldering carcass of Ensign Mary Sue Freebush and shook his head, "Oh hell, let's just go to Risa and get drunk."
The End