A/N: Just a little place to put all of my drabbles about the SnK characters that aren't going into an actual fic or one of my pairing collections. Hope you enjoy this first one! (There are so spoilers from the latest chapter of SnK. You have been warned!)
He wanted to see the ocean. He still wants to see the ocean. He just never thought it would be at the cost of someone else's life, especially not the life of Erwin Smith. He tells them he should have died. No one should survive a fifty-foot fall even if they aren't suffering from third degree burns all over their body. He repeats this over and over. Maybe if he says it enough, they can go back in time and give the serum to the Commander. They all shush him whenever he tells them he should have died. Mikasa and Eren insist that it was worth it while they hug him and sob.
He thinks the Captain hates him. Hanji – No, they're Commander Hanji now that Erwin's dead – tells him he's just imagining it. They tell him that the Captain doesn't hold petty grudges. Things happen and he just moves on. How can anyone live like that?
He can avoid talking to the Captain for the rest of his life if he wants. The Captain doesn't talk to anyone very much anymore. He just gives out orders now. Armin can't stand the silence between them. He would rather that the Captain glare, spit at him, tell him that it should have been Erwin and not him, so one night he catches Levi alone as he's keeping watch and blurts out, "You shouldn't have picked me."
The Captain doesn't look at Armin. He just sits there, motionless as ever, and Armin wonders if Levi heard him or if he just hates him too much to respond. He's about to turn around and leave when he hears Levi speak.
"You're going to end up tying a noose around your own neck if you keep talking like that." The Captain's voice is quiet even in the silence.
"Sir?" Armin says.
"You keep saying that shit. 'I should have died. The Commander should have been given the serum. I shouldn't be here.'" His tone isn't disgusted. It's neutral like it always is, which surprises Armin. "You almost died, but you didn't. The Commander wasn't given the serum. You were. You're here. It's that simple."
He feels stupid for trying to talk to the Captain about it. It figures that the Captain wouldn't want to talk about it either. He turns to leave when he hears the Captain sigh. Levi waves at Armin, gesturing for him to come sit beside him. Not one to disobey orders, even the simplest of them, Armin nervously takes a seat beside his captain.
There's a long silence before Levi speaks. "Erwin's dead. We can't change that." He takes another long pause before continuing. "You can regret our decision to choose you over him. You can hate us for forcing you to live. But with you alive, we have a chance of defeating the titans and we shouldn't waste it thinking about whether or not we made the right decision."
"But he was your friend," Armin says quietly.
"He was a good leader," Levi responds without even blinking.
Armin takes a deep breath. He asks, "Do you hate me, sir?"
Levi's eyes flicker to the young boy for a second. "No." They sit there together for a while, just staring out at the ruins of the Shiganshina District. "Go to sleep, Arlert.
"Yes, sir," Armin says, giving the Captain a salute out of habit.
The Captain nods in acknowledgement. Armin turns to leave but Levi speaks up one last time.
"Armin." It's surprising to hear his name come out of the Captain's mouth. He only ever calls them 'brats' or just refers to them by their last names. "I think Erwin would have approved of the decision."
The words make Armin speechless. He finds himself unable to form words, so he gives the Captain another salute before running off. He can feel tears about to form but he shuts his eyes and bites his tongue to choke down sobs. The old Armin would have cried, but he's not going to cry. Not anymore. He reflects on his captain's words. For a fraction of a second he doubts Levi's words, but he quickly shoves those doubts to the back of his mind, buries them deep so they'll never rise up again. The age of doubts is well over. It was over years ago but he's only seeing it now.
He's going to see the ocean. It cost the Commander's life. He'll make sure his sacrifice doesn't go to waste.
A/N: I'm not a huge fan of how everything in the latest chapter went down, but I'm still probably going to be reading the rest of the series. I'm much too far in to escape now. I don't think Levi would treat Armin that much differently after the whole serum thing. He'll probably just treat him the same as always. He's a practical guy and doesn't really let his emotions take over his feelings, especially when other people's lives are at stake. Armin might need a little nudge to stop blaming himself for Erwin's death though. Poor guy.
Feel free to suggest prompts in the comments or at my tumblr: pickalilywrites (I still need to upload all of my other fics on there, heh.)