Merlin sat on the swing as it hung, lonely and empty in the middle of the abandoned park. It was getting dark and he knew he'd have to be home soon, but if he waited just a little longer, maybe she'd appear. He sat in the dark for some time, letting the night enclose him as he sipped from his bottle of beer. He looked up, staring at the sky, wondering what it would be like; to wander up there, to play amongst the stars.
Suddenly he felt her arms around his shoulders, and he turned his head slightly, his gaze falling upon the beautiful woman who'd appeared beside him – Morgana.
"Thought you'd never turn up." Merlin said, smiling sadly.
"I'm always around, Merlin." she replied, smiling down at him affectionately.
She was just as beautiful as ever; as beautiful as the last time he'd seen her. She was wearing plain, dark jeans, and her favourite tank top and jacket. He didn't really know why but that was important to him, but it was. There was a small red stain on the side of her top, still there from the last time he saw her – apparently she didn't change.
She sat down on the swing next to him, her long, dark hair falling down over her shoulders as she sat, holding loosely onto the chains, her legs dangling gently, touching the ground beneath her. She opened her beer bottle and began drinking, as though from an endless supply. When the bottle finally left her lips, she glanced down at the pile of empty bottles beside his feet.
She looked up at Merlin, who too had opened another bottle, and was now lighting up something that look suspiciously unlike a normal cigarette. "Woah, hey Merlin, ease up on the booze!" she said, almost laughing. "And since when did you decide to start smoking?"
"Oh relax, it's just beer and a fag." He replied, without looking up. Instead he stared straight ahead, into the dark field, straining his eyes against the blackness.
"No," she said, trying to catch his gaze, "It's weed. And it's four beers and the two ciders you had before you came out!"
Merlin paused for a moment before he turned his head and looked at her, so sad. "It makes me feel better." He replied simply. When her concerned-and-a-little-angry expression did not fade as she continued to stare at him, he added, "You of all people know how hard things have been for me lately. This is my way of coping. Don't make this harder for me Morgana, please." He pleaded.
She fell silent for a moment, with nothing to say or do, but offer him the pain in her eyes. Avoiding her gaze, he looked up. "Besides, you can talk!" he scoffed, nodding towards her bottle.
She shrugged, that same, perfect, mischievous smile on her face, "Yeah, but it's not really affects me is it!" she teased.
Silence fell between them again as they sat there, in the darkness; together, but not really together. But it was far from awkward. Morgana just had this almost magical ability to bring calm to any situation, especially in Merlin's life, and now, when he needed her most, when his whole life was in disarray, she was here. Just like she'd promised.
Eventually, she began spinning on the swing, slowly pushing her feet against the floor, watching the chains tangle up. "You should get out, socialise a little." She said calmly, as she lifted her feet and the swing spun her the opposite way.
Merlin shrugged, "Meh, I'm outside aren't I?" he said, smiling. "Look." He added, pointing upwards. "Stars."
She turned, cocking her head as she looked at him with that don't-patronise-me look. "You know what I mean!"
"Yeah, but who needs a social life when I've got you, a bottle of beer, and the night sky to marvel at?" he replied, smiling at her, his eyes dancing a little.
She grinned, and stood up, leaving the swing. All it took was two small steps for her to reach him. Sitting down on top of his lap, pulling her legs around, she smiled, leaning in and kissing him.
Their lips met and he felt some release. She was cold, and her touch felt ... distant. As they parted, and Merlin gazed up into her eyes, he whispered, "You're all I've got Morgana. Don't you go ... going anywhere."
"Hey." She said, holding his face gently in her hands, "I'm not going anywhere. I'm here for you; always."
"Yeah, it's like I can't get rid of you!" he said, teasing.
"Oi!" she replied, "Shut up, fucker!" She stood up, punching him playfully on the shoulder. They both grinned at each other for a moment, then began to giggle. Then she took another sip from her beer, as he finished the end of his light and once again the empty scene in the park fell silent.
What would he do without her? Here he was, at the edge of himself, and she was still here for him. He honestly couldn't imagine his existence without her; and yet recently he'd been forced to think about things like that, things he didn't want to. What some things will do to a man...
"They're beautiful aren't they?" he said, his voice low and soft as his head tilted back and he gazed at the array of stars again.
"Hmm?" she asked. She followed his gaze up to the sky.
"Stars." He replied, "They're so simple, just ... dots in the sky. But they're so fuckin' beautiful!"
"Yeah, I suppose." She breathed. "I've never really paid much attention before to be honest."
Merlin began to light up again, but she looked at him. "You should be going, it's late. You need to get back."
It was a while before Merlin said anything, but as he looked up to protest, he saw she was already gone.
"Yeah, I suppose I should." He said, speaking into the empty air.
-o- -o- -o-
Merlin stumbled in the door, closing it carefully behind him. He was drunk, but not as drunk as he should have been considering how much he'd drank that night. He was beginning to make a rather unhealthy habit of this whole drinking thing.
"Hey sweetie, you're late back." His mother said, standing up as he entered the kitchen.
"Oh, yeah sorry ..." he mumbled, "I was hanging out."
He moved over to the cupboard and pulled himself out a glass. Moving over to the sink, he filled it with water and sat down at the table.
"Anyone special?"
He paused for a moment, before replying, "No ... just on my own."
Silence fell and without Morgana there, by his side, it was very awkward. As was inevitable, considering the state in which he'd walked in the door, Merlin and his mother soon got into an argument which became increasingly heated, reaching it's crescendo when Hunith, with tears in her eyes, said, "Merlin, please! I just want to know that you're alright!"
"Why does everyone keep asking me if I'm alright?" he blurted out, "Of course I'm not okay! But I'll be fine, I'm always fine. I don't need anyone to tell me how I feel, you or some stupid doctor! I know how I feel, okay? I feel like shit! But being alone, this is how I cope. It might not be 'healthy' or whatever, but it works!"
"Merlin, please, I'm trying to help!" she said, a tear now rolling down her cheek as she stood up. "You need to let go."
"Who says? Huh? Who says I have to let go? Who is it who decides when it's the appropriate time to move on and get over it?" he paused for a moment, breaking off almost in tears, before adding, "It's all I have. And I'm not letting go."
When Hunith said nothing more, Merlin sighed and pushed past her, storming out. He slammed the back door behind him and stepped out into the night as the tears began to well up; tears he couldn't, for all his efforts, suppress. He hated conflicts, and he really hated arguing with his mother, he knew she was only trying to help, but he hadn't been himself lately. Things were hard, and the thought of letting go ... everything would change again. And he just wasn't ready for that. Not yet.
After taking a few short, deep breaths, he began to calm down. As the tears began to fall slowly down his cheeks, he backed against the wall and slid down until he hit the ground. He brought his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around them and resting his head against them. He stayed like that for some time; almost curled up against the wall in the dark, until eventually, he exhausted himself to the point he had to get up and crawl upstairs to bed.
-o- -o- -o-
It was several days later that he saw Morgana again. The time between each visit was getting longer and that frightened him a little. He'd never want to appear clingy, but he couldn't stand the thought of being without her. But this evening, when Merlin made his way towards the swings again, she was there, waiting for him.
"Hey." She said, smiling at him.
"Hey." He replied, barely audible as he returned the smile, a little sadly.
She frowned at him. "What's up?"
"Nothing," he said, refreshing his smile, attempting to appear happy. He was half trying to convince himself he was okay. "Just er ... really tired. And it's been ages since I saw you."
She tilted her head again, looking at him, reading him like an open book. She knew something was wrong, and she wasn't go to let him just slide over it as though it was nothing.
"I've just been off lately." He confessed. "I really miss you when you're not around, you know ... I had an argument with my mom the other night."
"What about?" she asked, a little tentatively.
Merlin paused. He didn't care too much to talk about this, least of all with her. He really didn't want to make this uncomfortable.
"She just said I need to let go, start moving on." He finally said.
"You know, Merlin ... maybe she has a point." Morgana replied. "It's been long enough. Maybe it's time to say g-"
"No." Merlin said quickly, as he looked up at her with desperation in his eyes. Not her too. "I can't. Not yet, I'm not ready."
She stood up, moving towards him. "If you don't say it now, when are you going to?"
"I just ... I don't want to be alone." He managed to get out. His throat felt thick, and seemed hell bent on not letting him swallow.
"Merlin, you're not alone." She said, reassuring him. She reached forward and took his hands in hers. It pained her so much to see him like this. He was falling apart, and she couldn't bear to watch any longer. And he thought he was all alone. Gripping his hand tightly in between hers, she looked into his eyes and spoke. "Whatever made you think you'll be alone? You have a lot of people who care about you, they want to help you! You need to let it go; everything. Because trust me, Merlin, it's only going to get harder! You think it will get easier as time goes on, that maybe the pain will lessen, but if you don't let it go now, it's gonna kill you! Look at yourself! You're only eighteen! You're constantly drinking, and you get high almost every night! That's not coping, Merlin, it's the exact opposite. It's escaping. You're a mess, and if you don't clear this up now, you're going to be carrying all this guilt you don't need for the rest of your life. I know how you feel! I can see it in your eyes, every time you look at me. You feel guilty, but it's not your fault! You need to move on, before it kills you."
Merlin looked down, avoiding her piercing gaze as her grip on his hand loosened and it fell to his side, limp. "I'm not ready." He mumbled, barely audibly as he bit back tears.
"Yes you are." She replied simply, looking at him again, now far away, a sadness behind that gaze that just went right through him. "You just don't want to be."
Merlin nodded, slowly, almost invisibly as he looked her in the eye, and for a moment, they shared a look that said everything; a mutual understanding of both their pain. He was ready.
-o- -o- -o-
The graveyard was empty. Filled with hundreds of graves, ranging from those with grand headstones, statues and poems engraved on them, to the small blocks of stone with just a name, stuck clumsily in the ground. Hundreds of graves, and yet not a single person in sight. He was sure there must be some people here, somewhere; graves of lost loved ones visited at some point, but no, not right now. As he stood in the entrance, looking out to all the dead, he could not see a single living soul around. No one to cry with him, no one to mourn his loss. No one cared. He was going to be truly alone.
"You should go." Morgana prompted him. He could almost feel her breath on his cheek, her face so close behind his.
"I know." He said, his eyes not moving as he stared ahead of him. "It's just ... hard."
"I know, I know Merlin." She replied, squeezing his shoulders. "You have to be strong ... for me."
She wrapped her arms around him, hugging him from behind as she nestled her face into his neck for a moment, as he just stood, taking it in, enjoying the feeling of her arms holding him. Then he took a breath, opened his eyes, and walked forwards.
Merlin walked, moving between graves, his eyes set on one in particular. It stood, lonely and still shiny; unlike its surrounding headstones, growing old and faded from neglect. When he reached it he collapsed to his knees on the ground in front, his whole body shaking a little with the impact as he knees collided roughly with the dirt beneath him.
"Hey…" he eventually whispered. It was all he could manage before he broke off, unable to really say anything else.
He slowly extended his arm and put the flowers he was holding in front of the headstone, carefully placing them neatly on the ground. He shrugged as he managed a smile. "I brought you some flowers," he said, pausing. "I know you always hated them, but it's what people do, so …" His voice trailed off again as he began to tear up. He looked away for a moment, looking out to the other graves, unable to really face the one in front of him. "Well I'm here, like you asked." he eventually said.
Morgana's hand reached forward and gripped his shoulder. He instantly reacted to it, his whole body tensing up as he lifted his head and breathed in sharply. When she let go, letting her hand fall loosely behind him, he exhaled shakily.
"I miss you," he managed, before a tear fell and he began to feel an incredibly thick and painful lump in his throat that made it hard to get anything out. "It's so damn hard … everyone's telling me I should let you go, but …" he shook his head as he looked away, closing his eyes. It was quite cold, and the wind pressed the tears against his face, cold and bitter as soon as they fell.
"I just feel so guilty." he said, still looking away. "It was my car, I was behind the wheel, I should have …" he broke off again, unable to finish anything he wanted to say, as more tears fell and he struggled to get anything out.
"I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I wanted to tell you … you were everything to me. I know you already know that, and I know you'd forgive me in a heartbeat, but … I need to get this out. I don't want to be alone. And I don't ever want to let you go." he paused again, unable to say anything through the tears. "Agh, this is so hard to get out, because if I say it, it means admitting that you're really gone …" he paused for some time again. He reached forward with his hand and touched the engraved words, running his fingers gently into the grooves, remembering the feel of each letter. Everything was important.
"But I need to say it, before it's too late. It's time to let go." he managed to muster all the strength he had, and began, "G-" he broke off, in tears as he closed his eyes.
Just one word, but it was so damn hard to say. He took a deep breath, bracing himself. He opened his eyes again and gazed at her name, that beautiful name. "Goodbye, Morgana."
And then he felt it, almost instantly. Now that he'd finished, now that he'd actually said it, it felt different. He could feel a distinct emptiness beside him, where she should have been. He wiped his eyes quickly and turned, looking desperately around the graveyard. But she wasn't there anymore. Of course she wasn't. Because that's what letting go meant.
'Closure' they called it. But it didn't feel 'closed'. It felt like a stale wound which he'd just reopened to the cold evening air, and it hurt. It hurt like hell. She was gone; for good.
As he looked around, his eyes scanning the graveyard for something he knew he wouldn't find, it hit him; that incredible loneliness he'd been so afraid of, the reason he didn't want to say goodbye. Now he had no one. It hit him like his car had collided with her; sharp, short, unexpected and devastating. He closed his eyes and curled up, pressing his head to the ground, now openly weeping; the sound of his cries the only sound that could be heard in the very empty graveyard that afternoon.