The List of Things Professor Ozpin Is Not Allowed To Do At Beacon
1. Just because my weapon is a cane, does not mean I can park in the disabled parking spot.
2. The school opening speech should not be given as a limerick.
a. Or as a prophecy.
b. "Go go go Beacon you know what they say! Hang on now Beacon you'll make it some day! Sha la la Beacon you're doin' fine! You and your hunter training ahead of your time!" is not acceptable either.
3. My title is "Professor Ozpin" not "The Faunus Whisperer."
4. I am not the King nor Queen of any castle.
5. Glynda's tea requires hot water not rubbing alcohol.
a. "Hot water" and "rubbing alcohol" sound nothing alike.
6. It is never a good idea to replace Port's weapon propellant dust with chalk, coffee grinds, household dust, confetti, or powdered sugar.
7. Glynda's riding crop is used to channel her semblance and NOTHING else.
8. I am not allowed to admit students to Beacon while drunk.
9. "The cane is mightier than the sword" is not a colloquial phrase.
10. Sex toys should not be manufactured in the foundry.
11. Mission reports do not end with "...and then my dad beat my ass with jumper cables."
12. The school budget for coffee may not be increased.
a. It's already at 40%. Good God, man.
13. I may not wear Glynda's heels for any reason.
a. "Hunter training" is not a reason.
14. Professor Oobleck is not a Victim of Cocaine Abuse.
15. The theory "If it fits, it sits" should not be tested. Please stop tormenting Ms. Belladonna.
16. Blastery Mastery 101 is not a class.
17. Teams will NOT be made based on "who I ship."
a. I will ignore the fact that you put Ruby and Yang on the same team, Ozpin.
18. This hunter academy has nothing to do with any Hunter Association.
19. Salacious jokes about General Ironwood's name should not be made behind his back.
a. And they definitely should NOT be made in front of his back.
b. Nor to the side, under, or on top of his back.
20. Students cannot be claimed as "waifus."
21. Launching students into grim-infested woods and betting on who survives is not a healthful pastime.
a. Oh my God you were serious when you said that.
22. "...Or worse, expelled." is not worse than death.
23. Small dogs do not make good projectiles when lit on fire, or in any state for that matter.
24. Ruby will not "Plug the holes in Weiss' dress."
25. Kitten Killer 9000's are banned from school property.
26. My office furniture shall not resemble any kind of genitalia.
a. I care about how uncomfortable my chair makes the other students, because it is clearly not clock themed.
27. I am not allowed to claim my semblance can summon "twisted monstrosities from beyond the stars."
a. I am not allowed to prove said claim by yelling "Glynda!"
28. There will be no photoshoot for a "Huntresses of Beacon Pin Up Calendar."
b. I don't care how big the market is, no means no.
29. Shoving Jaune into Pyrrha after a hot, sweaty day of training to "see what happens" is not a good idea.
a. Shoving Ruby into Weiss is not a good idea either
b. While shoving Ruby into Yang was an...interesting learning experience, these experiments cannot continue for the sake of our sanity.
30. "What's cooler than being cool?" is not an acceptable introduction at an SDC correspondents' dinner.
a. "Weiss cold" is not an acceptable follow up.
31. Sparring matches may not be opened with "Have at you!" or "Steel yourself!"
a. Sparring participants may not "Choose your destiny."
b. Yelling "Finish Him!" When a student is downed is not acceptable either.
32. I am not in possession of any laser eyes, laser breath, fire breath, super strength, super duper high school level luck or laser [REDACTED].
33. They are called semblances, not stands.
34. You cannot build up a tolerance to arsenic.
a. Students cannot build up a tolerance to arsenic.
35. I am not allowed to bum cigarettes off any of the students.
36. Velvet stew is not on the menu.
37. There are no red or yellow cards in sparring matches.
38. There will not be any viva-ing of any Revolución.
39. I am not allowed to end a report of unfortunate news about the Atlesian military by smirking at General Ironwood and yelling "It all went down like clockwork!"
40. They're called students, not "scouts."
a. They're called students, not "cannon fodder."
b. They're called students, not "members of my harem."
41. Yellow snow is not a holiday decoration.
42. Blake is not licorice flavor.
43. Glynda cannot be ordered to "give Ms. Rose a good spanking."
44. I am not "straight outta Vacuo."
a. Nor am I from "The Wild Wild West."
45. Beacon does not teach Sex Ed, and even if it did, the students would not be required to be naked.
46. Public masturbation is an awful way to end an announcement.
a. Especially at an SDC correspondents' dinner.
b. I don't care how Winter was "looking at you," her father was furious.
47. I am not a "horse faunus," so you don't need to "check out the size of my [REDACTED]."
48. "My coffee is 80 proof" is not an acceptable response to anything.
49. "Gas the faunus, race war now!" is NOT a motivational phrase.
50. Girl uniform skirts must go at least half of the thigh.
51. The wedgie is not part of combat training.
52. It does NOT matter how "breezy" it is down there, I, Professor Ozpin, am prohibited from wearing a girl uniform.
a. Making the girl uniform part of the staff dress code is prohibited. Many still have PTSD from Professor Port.
53. I will not "put the boots to Salem, medium style."
54. The Vytal Festival is not "Vytal to my existence."
55. Tubes of red dust are not strawberry pixie sticks.
56. "Those commie Atlesians" are not responsible for the fall of Beacon.
a. Neither are "those dirty faunus."
b. The fall of Beacon was not an "inside job."
57. Just because Beacon has fallen does not mean these rules don't apply.
58. Coffee Flavored is not a type of dust.
59. We do not kill girmm as any part of a dark harvest, satanic ritual, valic ritual, or mating ceremony.
60. It is a bad idea to begin a conversation with "After ten thousand years, I have returned!"
61. I am not allowed to make a shipping diagram.
a. Or a shipping flowchart.
b. Or a shipping spreadsheet.
c. If any such materials are made, they should DEFINITELY NOT be plastered to the school notice board.
62. "Get with that Weiss girl" is not an acceptable mission for Team RWBY.
63. Crashing a train into Vale and drawing grimm into the city is not "just a prank bro."
a. I don't care if you had a camera the whole time, you cannot tell that to General Ironwood.
64. Engineering psychological experiments on the students of Beacon is usually prohibited.
65. "Touch Fluffy Tail" should not be played at any school dance. Blake already ran away, we don't need Velvet following her.
a. I am no longer allowed pick music after the "sensual moaning" incident.
66. There will be no genetic engineering of a "Faunus Ruby."
a. While amusing, "Faunus Weiss" is also prohibited.
67. Jaune is not the "Harem King," so stop trying to convince him otherwise.
68. "But she's a catgirl" is not an acceptable reason to let a known terrorist into Beacon.
69. Suicide bombings are not a part of combat training.
70. "Just like in the wild west" is not a proper response to an SDC train robbery.
71. The White Fang are not a "radical white militia." Stop trying to join.
72. Weapon lubricant should not be replaced with sexual lubricant.
a. It doesn't matter if "Ruby appreciates it," we've already had several injuries.
73. Coffee is figurative fuel, not literal fuel.
74. I may not "turn it up to eleven."
75. While Yang is flame retardant, her clothes aren't
a. This has already been tested. We don't need anymore proof.
76. Just because red dust can be used as a seasoning does not mean it should.
77. Mother's Day is not a time to harass Ruby.
a. Father's Day is not a time to harass Weiss.
b. There is no such thing as "Having Parents Day," and even if there was, it would not be a time to harass Nora or Ren.
78. A "fist pump" is not an appropriate reaction to Yang kneecapping someone.
79. That "Goth Loli" does not want to kill me.
a. Neither does that "Ice Cream Loli."
80. My name is not Doctor House, and I am not qualified to diagnose any sort of medical matter.
a. Especially not if the cure is "Sexual Healing"
81. The dust in my sitting room is not the same as the dust in weapons, so I am not "collecting vital military resources" by refusing to clean.
82. The Fire Nation doesn't exist, and I am not allowed to spend resources trying to link them to the fall of Beacon.
a. Even if Cinder does have fire powers.
83. "Sick Board Stunts" is not an acceptable class.
84. The Grimm were not sent by "Aku, the shapeshifting master of darkness."
a. Or Trigon.
b. Or Galactus.
c. I must keep reality and fiction separate.
85. I will not replace Ms. Xiao Long's shampoo with hair dye.
a. Waging psychological warfare on OUR OWN STUDENTS is not an excuse.
86. I am not allowed to "spice up" my coffee in ANY manner.
a. Especially with drugs.
b. Or dust.
c. I don't know how you got it, but grimm essence is right out.
87. My semblance is not coffee-fueled
a. Redacted, it actually is.
b. I am not allowed to use that as an excuse to drink an entire year's supply of coffee again.
88. Nobody cares what I can do with my pinky finger, weapon lubricant, and the entire X-Files dvd box set.
89. Blake doesn't need anymore cat toys.
a. Yang doesn't need anymore cat "toys."
90. "The grimm are coming! The grimm are coming! By land! By land!" is a horrible way to announce a breach.
91. It's wrong to commemorate Pyrrha with a flowerpot filled with chocolate milk mix.
92. I am not allowed to organize a "cripple fight" between Yang and Mercury.
93. Blake does not look "hot af" in those "tight leather pants."
94. A set of right hand golf clubs are not a good gift for Yang.
a. A set of any golf clubs are not a good gift for Yang.
95. Sending Weiss off to Atlas with the bugle call "Taps" in FRONT of her father is wildly inappropriate.
96. I don't know how you heard it, but Ruby's "I love you" was meant for Yang.
97. Delegating your work to Qrow and hiding somewhere because you "had a massive hangover" is not an acceptable reason to neglect your investigation of Haven.
From the Desk of Glynda Goodwitch
AN: Yo guys! Got anymore unscrupulous acts that need a ban? Leave them in a review or something and I'll probably add them in! But yeah, that was my first fan fiction, which should be totally 100% cannon by the way. The ideas for this were inspired/deliberately stolen from Skippy's List, various fan fiction, and other internet things, so I hope you had as much fun reading it as I did writing/copy-pasting it. Feel free to leave a review and let me know what you think.
Happy Trails,
ComentativeComenter
Edit: Okay! I added more of the things people left in the comments. Also what should the next chapter be? I saw the idea for a deep analysis of ships, but I don't want to turn this thing into a total rip off of The Ozpin Files (Shoutout to The Ozpin Files!). SOOOOooooOOOO, do you even want a second chapter? Will it even be added? Find out next time on Dragon Ball Z!