Of course Thomas was happy for them. Carson and Hughes had been batting their eyes at each other ever since he'd started working here, but he couldn't help but feel awful. He thought about how many times he'd sat in this church watching yet another couple look into each other's eyes and make promises of a life spent together. It was something Thomas had always wanted, to truly be happy, but he knew never would be.
As the ceremony continued, Thomas started to feel as though he couldn't breathe. Thankfully, he'd been seated towards the back. Quietly standing, he excused himself and exited through a small side door.
He could feel tears swelling up in his eyes, but he quickly wiped at them to keep them at bay. He just needed to distance himself from the building. As he walked, he kept his eyes focused on his feet. He didn't want anyone else to see him upset like this. He pulled out his packet of cigarettes and slipped one between his lips. A cigarette would surely calm his nerves right about now. Not paying attention as he rounded the corner of the church, he stumbled into someone.
'Mr. Barrow?'
When Thomas looked up, he was met with a pair of familiar eyes. And his heart started to pound in his chest.
Thomas pulled the unlit cigarette from his mouth and quickly asked, 'Jimmy? What are you doing here?'
'Aren't you happy to see me,' Jimmy laughed but then quickly looked around and hid his smile 'Well, Mrs. Hughes had sent word of the wedding and had invited me.'
'I didn't think you were coming' Thomas said.
He remembered Mrs. Hughes saying she'd invited Jimmy, but later when he asked if she'd heard a reply from Jimmy, she had told him no. Thomas almost couldn't believe it was really him. It had been so long since he had left Downton.
Jimmy smiled softly at Thomas, 'I didn't either until this morning. But then something changed my mind.'
'Well, how's life been then?' Thomas asked trying to make any kind of conversation.
Jimmy looked a little sad when he heard Thomas' question.
'I'll tell you all about it if you have a cigarette to spare', Jimmy said as he gestured towards Thomas' hand.
They walked in silence until they were towards the back of the church. Thomas leaned with his back against the brick wall and Jimmy settled in beside him, his shoulder pressed against Thomas' shoulder. Thomas lit his cigarette and took a deep drag. He saw Jimmy holding his hand out and the cigarette passed between them with ease. This moment felt so familiar and so safe. It was just like any other break they had shared at the abbey.
Jimmy was the first to break their comfortable silence.
'So why aren't you in there celebrating the happy couple?'
'Never cared much for weddings. Never thought there was a point,' Thomas answered sadly and earnestly.
'Not even if it was you own?'
'I've never let myself think that way. It would probably hurt too much.'
Jimmy frowned and turned to face Thomas.
'I have always hated hearing you talk like that. It is always so sad', Jimmy said as he fiddled with the edge of his sleeve.
'It seems my life was meant to be sad.'
Saying that out loud made Thomas sigh at the probable truth of his statement.
'No one's life is meant to be sad.'
'Says the man who can't even write me a letter,' Thomas snapped.
Jimmy winced at the harsh tone. 'I told you I wasn't good at writing letters. It's just hard to put everything I want to into words.'
Thomas knew what that meant. He knew it meant Jimmy didn't want to keep in contact with his 'friend' like he had said.
'Well, it was nice to see you James, but I'll be heading back inside now.'
When Thomas took a step forward and went to walk back inside, he suddenly felt a firm grip on his wrist and he was stumbling backwards. Jimmy shoved Thomas back hard against the wall. He pushed one of his hands onto Thomas' shoulder and snaked the other behind Thomas' back, and then his lips crashed against Thomas'. Jimmy's lips were soft but full. They fit perfectly into Thomas' lips. Thomas returned the kiss and wrapped his hands into Jimmy's hair. His heart was beating fast, but so was Jimmy's. He couldn't differentiate one thump from the other. Their kiss deepened and Thomas kissed back harder. Jimmy pressed the length of his body into Thomas, pinning him to the wall. Thomas loved how the shorter man felt against him. Thomas moved his hands over Jimmy. All he wanted to do was make sure he was really there, that this wasn't as dreamlike as it felt. Their kisses became softer. And they were finally able to catch their breath.
When they finally broke apart, Thomas looked at Jimmy in disbelief, but he couldn't help the huge grin that was planted across his face.
'I couldn't very well put that into a letter could I?' Jimmy said smoothing his hair back into place. 'Now, let's go find a seat because I still don't think this bloody wedding is over yet.'
Jimmy pulled Thomas away from the wall and pulled at Thomas' vest and jacket to straighten it out from where he had wrinkled it up and out of place.
'Thank you Jimmy'
'Well Mr.—Thomas, like I told you no one's life is meant to be sad. Not yours and not mine. When I left, I couldn't stand it. I missed Downton, I missed our smoke breaks, I missed you,' Jimmy smiled, 'And I know we can never have exactly what they have. We won't have a wedding, but we can still make promises and we can still spend our lives together.'
Thomas couldn't believe it. For once in his life. After everything, he was well and truly happy.