The Epiphany
Well the story description pretty much says it all. This is another attempt of mine to pursue…comedy o_o all from Seth's POV
Anyway, let's go!
Part 1: The Epiphany
When I woke up this morning, I had an epiphany
Now, in the dictionary, an epiphany is defined as: a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.
Now I don't know what that means, because hell that's a lot of words, but all I know is that a sudden, simple thought occurred to me, and I had to share it with the whole pack. I picked up my phone and called Jake.
"Hello?" He said, sounding tired.
"Jake, get over here, I'm in my room."
"What? Why?"
"I need to talk about boners." Silence then a hurried.
"I'll be over in 1 minute." The line went dead and I frowned, did he think I wanted to have sex? I told him that wasn't happening for a little while.
"Hm, maybe I should have been more speci…" Suddenly there was a banging on my window, Jake was right outside.
"Holy shit he's fast." I said shocked. I opened the window and he jumped inside.
"Ok four play first or just jump right in?"
"N-no Jake I don't want to fuck, where did you get that idea?" I said confused. He just stared at me.
"You…are you kidding right now? I just shifted and ran my ass off to get over here…and we aren't even gonna fool around!" He looked very frustrated and I frowned.
"I was…well, I don't even know how you got that idea!"
"Ok, you said talk, which led to me led to mouth, then boner, which…well…mouth boner…"
"Oh! Jake you shouldn't be so…ah!"
"You shouldn't be so misleading!" He growled.
"Now…anyway, what is it you wanted?"
"I wanted to talk about boners…not SUCK on one." He sighed.
"What do you want to know?"
"How does a boner get hard?" He raised an eyebrow.
"You haven't learned about that in health class?"
"Not yet…Sex ed isn't until after Christmas break."
"Well…when you get…excited or aroused…like you do to me." I smiled big and he smiled back.
"Blood starts pumping down there and makes you big and hard."
"That's it! Blood!" I said. He frowned.
"Um…what's all this about?"
"Jake…I had an epiphany!" Thunder crashed outside and rain started to pour and I frowned.
"That was…really convenient." I grabbed him by the hand.
"Come on…we need to head to Emily's…and we need to call everyone together."
"What? What epiphany? Do you even know what that means?"
"It means a lot of big words and little complicated words! Now let's go!" I raced out of the room, dragging him behind me. We rushed out the front door and I pulled my pants off and shifted. He did the same and soon we were running for Emily's.
"Will you please…?" Suddenly he was reading my mind and I could hear his shock.
"That…oh my god! It's so true!"
"I know right!" I said. He started busting up laughing and I smiled.
"When we get there start calling all of the pack so we can tell them!"
"Oh my god they are gonna die! Then we go straight to the Cullens and tell them ok?"
"Ok." I said. We arrived and shifted back and put our pants on before running in.
"Guys?" Emily said.
"Emily, start calling all of the pack and tell them to get over here…my little imprint here had an epiphany.
"Oh?" He whispered into her ear and her eyes lit up.
"Oh…my…god." She picked up the phone and started calling. Half an hour later the entire pack was packed into the kitchen, and 20 minutes later they finally stopped laughing after I told them.
"Oh my god! You're brilliant!" Paul said, holding his side. I beamed; I knew everyone would realize my brilliance eventually.
"Alright alright settle down everyone." Sam said, taking a deep breath.
"Now I realize this…development is hilarious but…we need to find out how it happened."
"We'll handle that." Jake said, wrapping an arm around my shoulders.
"Alright, come tell us how it turns out after." Paul laughed.
20 minutes later we were standing in front of the Cullen house and I gave Jake a kiss before knocking on the door.
"Hello boys!"Carlisle said happily.
"Hi Carlisle…is Edward here?" I asked.
"We need to talk to him." Jacob added. Carlisle shrugged.
"I believe he's here…Edward?" He called. He invited us in and we did gratefully, it was still raining outside.
"Need a towel?"
"Nah we'll dry naturally." Jake chuckled, steam coming off his shoulders.
"Did you call Carlisle?" Edward said, Bella behind him.
"Yes, Jacob and Seth have something to talk about."
"Oh?" Edward said.
"Ya, um, Edward, we sort of have a question to ask you about…um…sex." Bella and Carlisle looked away uncomfortable and Edward just stared.
"I…see." He was reading my mind, but it didn't matter, I had to ask anyway.
"So…to get a boner you need blood to rush to your dick, but you're a vampire…wouldn't it be impossible?" Carlisle fake coughed to hide his laughing and Bella still looked extremely embarrassed.
"I…it's…a valid question…but I still drink blood and that's what rushes…down there." He said. I frowned.
"But what about sperm? You shouldn't be able to produce any."
Carlisle looked like he was trying very hard not to laugh, Bella looked extremely uncomfortable, and Edward would have been blushing if it wasn't impossible for vamps.
"I…I don't…know." He said, seeming royally confused.
BOOM
Thunder struck right outside the house, the door burst open, and in walked…someone I didn't know.
"Hello." The woman said.
"W-who are you? Why are you in my house?" Carlisle snapped.
"My name is Stephanie Meyer." The woman said. We all just stared at her.
"Um…who?" I said. She smiled.
"I created all of you." Again, we just stared at her.
"You…what?" Edward said.
"You see, you are all part of a book series I wrote called the Twilight Saga…"
"Um…ok?" Jacob said. She frowned.
"But something's wrong…you aren't supposed to be gay Jacob, same for you Seth!" I laughed.
"I've been gay since I was born you crazy bitch."
"Um, back to how you 'created' us?" Bella said. She sighed.
"Oh right, anyway, I had a dream and wrote a book called Twilight, staring all of you! I then wrote another called New Moon, then Eclipse, and then I finished the series with Breaking dawn! They have become such huge hits in the real world that I now have a huge movie franchise from it!" We continued to stare at her.
"Ok um…let's say this is all true." Edward said.
"Then tell me, why are you here?" She sighed.
"I'm here, because you are all questioning how it was possible Nessie was made…"
"Ya about that…if it's true this was in a book, shouldn't you see that as a huge ass plot hole?" Seth said. She frowned.
"Of course not, there is an explanation for that."
"Oh?"
"Magic." She said. We all just stared at her.
"Are you an idiot along with crazy?" I said. She glared at me.
"Go f*** yourself."
"So I have a question." Bella said. She looked at her.
"If you wrote us…well first off, what book does the Volturi confrontation take place?"
"The last one, Breaking Dawn." She said proudly.
"Um well I got a question about that…the whole thing became super intense and scary…but in the end nothing happened at all. It was all actually really, really boring in fact. If I was reading that, I would be extremely disappointed by the anti-climaticness of it all…why did you make it like that?"
"I…hate violence." She said.
"Another thing, why did you make Edward such a whiny bitch and not make him turn me FOREVER!" Bella growled. Edward stared at her.
"What the hell?"
"No dude she's right." Jacob said. I nodded and so did Carlisle.
"You did wait for an ridiculous amount of time." Carlisle added.
"It was supposed to be romantic! He was too afraid to turn…"
"OMG!" Alice squealed. We all jumped as she ran into the room, holding a copy of a book labeled 'The Host'.
"OMG! Stephanie Meyer! Why are you here! You wrote my favorite book! When's the next one coming out?" We all just stared at her.
"Um Alice…." I quickly explained and she dropped her jaw.
"W-hat? OMG! Who plays me in the movie!"
"Um…Ashley Greene."
"I don't know her, GOOGLE TIME!" she disappeared and Stephanie shook her head.
"Alice like a teenage girl, you two gay…this isn't how I wrote it! I don't understand…" She snapped her finger.
"I got it! This is fan fiction!"
"Wait!" Edward snapped. She jumped and stared at us.
"What?"
"I don't understand…if this isn't how you made us, what are we supposed to be like?"
"Well Alice is actually smart, not an air headed fan girl. Jacob isn't gay, and in fact fights for Bella's love, but loses to Edward, but imprints on your daughter Nessie, and Seth isn't gay, because no one apparently is gay in this universe." We all just stared at her.
"No one's gay? What are you homophobic?" Edward said.
"My daughter? She's so young! You're sick!" Bella snapped.
"Vaginas are eww." Jacob added quietly, nuzzling my neck.
"I agree with Jake!" I added.
"They are like…holes that just keep going and going and they scare me." I shivered.
"Also, if I'm not supposed to be gay, what do I do?"
"Well to be honest, you aren't that important in the story…I only use you every once in a while and never fully develop you."
"I feel like despite that, I have a freakishly large following." I said.
"Yes you do." She said.
"So I've only seen all those other vampires at the Volturi confrontation in…what was it? Breaking Dawn? Anyway I've only seen them once and then never again…"
"Ya." She said.
"If this was a book, it's like you just added a bazillion characters and never developed any of them…don't you see that as bad story telling?"
"Not at all!"
"Puh, at least in Harry potter she actually developed characters." I muttered. Stephanie glared at me.
"Go f*** yourself."
"Another question…why do you make us says such huge ass words that no one in a million years would use?" Carlisle said.
"Also, why do I keep reading Wuthering Heights? It's a shitty ass book!" Bella snapped
"Why can't I read something that doesn't suck, like The Hunger Games?"
"Why you so fat." Jacob snapped.
"IM NESSIE!" The little girl cried at the foot of the stairs.
"No you're not! Now that I understand we are in a book written by her, your new name is something less confusing and stupid, like Nicole, or Olivia, because we actually love you and don't want you to get the crap beat out of you at school." Bella said.
"OMG I am so hot!" Alice cried, appearing out of nowhere.
"STOP!" Stephanie roared. We all shut up and stared at her.
"Just…god! One question at a time! I use big words because its smart, you read Wuthering Heights because I love it, and Nessie's name is special!" we all stared at her.
"Why you so fat." Jacob said. She glared at him.
"Go f*** yourself."
"I am soooo hot!" Alice giggled.
"Seriously! Mrs. Meyers! Who plays the rest of us!" Alice asked. She smiled.
"Well, Peter Facinelli plays you Carlisle."
"Who?" he said.
"Robert Pattinson plays you Edward."
"That dude from Harry Potter?" he said.
"Jacob, Taylor Lautner plays you."
"I don't understand, if you don't want me to be gay why do you have that guy playing me? Also, SHARK BOY! ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?" He roared.
"He's not gay!" She growled. I laughed.
"Oh honey, yes he is…what about me?"
"Boo Boo Stewart." I just stared at her.
"You bitch, that's the stupidest name I've ever heard."
"I thought we had this discussion already." Someone muttered, not sure who.
"Alright, what about me?" Bella said. She smiled wide.
"I found the perfect one for you my dear…Kristin Stewart." Bella disappeared behind Stephanie and snapped her neck. The body fell to the floor and we all stared at her.
"NOOO! BELLA WTF!" Alice whined, cradling the woman's head in her lap.
"She let that talentless bitch play me, she must die!" Bella roared.
"Actually she's pretty good in The Runaways…" Carlisle said.
"STFU!" Alice whined.
"Now she can never make a sequel to The Host!"
"Please, that bitch probably quit writing after our books got huge…anyway, this way her shitty writing with her big ass words and her small complicated words, can never harm anyone ever again…." Bella said with a smile.
"Come here Olivia." The former Nessie rushed forward and hugged her.
"Thank you mommy!"
"She can't hurt future generations…but the rest of us must live with the memory of her shitty writing and mediocre movies for the rest of our lives…" Bella said sadly.
"Hey! I'm actually kinda hot!" I giggled, staring at the pic of Boo Boo Stewart I googled on my phone.
Well to make things clear, I love the characters in the books…but I just think the books were poorly written, the movies are only good because Taylor is shirtless, and Stephanie is a bitch for making a boring book like the Host, and then never finishing the story.
Seriously, if you want a well written book, with next to no plot holes, read The Hunger Games, or the Gone series, or fucking Percy Jackson for fuck sake.
And yes, I am a gay man that things Vaginas are eww
Please review!