The debrief had been short. Painfully so. He felt like it was almost a disservice to Ashley.
Argue with Kaidan. Get brain-probed by Liara. Report to the Council and get ordered back to the Citadel. At least they were doing something about Saren now. It was about damn time.
He thumbed the grip of his coffee mug, staring across the table at the empty seat. Her seat. Just this morning, she'd been sitting there with Tali, talking about some stupid string game they had used to make fun of Alenko. She should've been there with him. He should've gone back for her instead.
"I don't regret a thing, Commander."
Shepard swallowed empty air. It tasted crisp and cool, like always. It should have comforted him; familiar things always helped when he lost someone. Today, it wasn't. He doubted it ever would. The void her death left hurt like nothing had ever hurt him before. Not when his father died, not when he lost his squad on Elysium, not when Jenkins died.
He lost another squad member. This time, there was no telling him it was someone else's fault. It had been his order and his alone.
His fist clenched as a fresh wave of anger washed over him. Saren was going to pay.
The sound of footsteps reached his ears. It came from down the hall, the sleeper pods specifically. One of his crew, then, and not one of the aliens. A shame. He could've gone for a good chat with Garrus. Or at least another one. Anything to distract him from the pissed off guilt he was allowing himself to wallow in. It would be his only chance to grieve; Commander Shepard wasn't so weak as to be upset. His crew couldn't see him like this.
So why he continued to sit there eluded him. Maybe because he recognized the gait as a friend's, maybe because fleeing the scene would just look more suspicious, considering there was no way he hadn't already been seen.
"Hey, Commander."
"Kyler," he corrected. Shepard didn't lift his eyes as Kaidan slid into the seat across from him. He just kept staring at what was now Kaidan's chest. "Just Kyler. I think you and I are on a first name basis at this point."
He didn't need to match Kaidan's stare to see the frown tugging at his lips. "Are you all right?" Shepard didn't answer, so he forged on. "I know you asked me earlier, but...no one asked you." Still nothing. Shepard didn't want to talk about it, and if Kaidan couldn't tell by now, he doubted the other marine ever would. "If we're on a first name basis, you can talk to me, y'know."
"I'm fine," Shepard said flatly.
"Don't give me that crap, Skipper. I can tell when you're lying."
Shepard swallowed again, stifling the memory. Kaidan was saying something. "—save me? You were closer with Williams. Why am I here?"
Apparently Kaidan knew when to call Shepard on his bullshit, too.
"Because you're the higher rank." His fingers tightened, relaxed, and tightened again. If he wasn't careful, he'd strain his muscles. How long had he been doing this anyway? An hour? Two? Three? He didn't know, didn't care. It was helping him vent his frustration and pain. "Because you're a biotic. Because you're more useful to the Alliance."
"Is that it?"
Shepard shrugged. "Leave me be, Kaidan. I already told you I'm fine."
"I...I just want a straight answer, Shep— Kyler. It'll make it easier. T-to sleep, I mean."
"I gave you my answer."
Because we're friends.
He drummed his fingers off the table in time with his fist clenching. He needed to hit something, or kill something, let loose with a good, exhausting use of his biotics. He wanted to fight.
And they were being called back to the Citadel.
"You wish you'd gone back for her, don't you?"
Perceptive little shit, Shepard thought bitterly. "Maybe. It's selfish. It's not like we could've done anything, 'cause of the regs and all." He shook his head and looked down at his hands. "Don't read too much into it, Kaidan. That was the hardest decision of my life and I chose you. And as much as I wish I could change it, I won't."
For the first time in the entire conversation, Shepard lifted his gray eyes to Kaidan's amber ones. "We're friends. Brothers-in-arms. Don't get all sacrificial on me, either. I need you here, now more than ever."
Kaidan blinked, tilted his head to the side. "Oh. Well...thanks, Commander." Shepard didn't correct him that time.
"Don't blame yourself for my order. Ash died because of me."
"Because of Saren," Kaidan said.
Shepard shrugged meekly. "Yeah, him too. It doesn't change that it was still my order, but if it helps you sleep, blame whoever you want. Saren's going to get what's coming to him."
The biotic nodded, a bit too eagerly for Shepard's liking. "When you take him down, I want to be there." Shepard's eyebrows shot up at the venom in his voice. In his experience, Kaidan was a passive guy. The only time he'd ever heard of Kaidan getting violent was when his instructor broke his crush's arm. Maybe they'd been closer than he thought...?
No, he told himself.
"I owe her that much," Kaidan finished.
Shepard's answering nod was grim. The conversation waned and eventually, Kaidan stood to head back to his pod. Whatever closure he was looking for, he must've found. Shepard was glad he helped Kaidan, whatever good it would do. Survivor's guilt was the worst kind; it ate away at a person until there was hardly anything left. Shepard knew that feeling well, and he didn't want it getting to Kaidan.
"And Shepard?"
His head snapped up.
"Don't blame yourself. It was Saren's fault."
He swallowed for the third time and nodded yet again.
"Ash wouldn't want you blaming yourself, either."
Shepard gave a soft, half-hearted laugh at his coffee mug. The contents were probably cold by now; he hadn't taken a drink yet. "On that, we can agree."