Memories Fade
Silence reigned in Balamb, the calm waves barely making a sound as they lapped at pier, foam and water droplets splashing onto a pair of boots as they dangled over the edge their owner not caring for their damp feet. There was a soft rustling as hands uncrumpled a piece of paper from previously clenched fists, the ink smeared from where tears had fallen upon it but they knew the words by heart now, which was just as well as more tears streaked the page making it even more illegible. Sea salt air stung quivering nostrils and eyes as they tried to regain control, wiping their damp face with the back of a gloved hand as the ocean view slowly came back into focus.
He imagined what they'd say if they could see him now, their taunts of Chicken Wuss probably seemed apt right now. He tried to rein in the emotion but the failure to do so was the reason he was sat here in this state right now. Hadn't he learnt anything from all that time with Squall? All those experiences trying to save the world from Ultimecia and still he remained unchanged?
To think he'd been oblivious that whole time and now she was all he could think about. He guessed that was another problem of his, the inability to see things around him clearly, the tendency to get tunnel vision so it had been a complete shock when she'd ended it between them, leaving him bewildered, torn and entombed in memories that were like withered roses, once so pretty now just painful like thorns.
Maybe it was because the wounds were still quite fresh, kept open by the letters she had written him that he couldn't bring himself to throw away. He supposed that was the difference there, words for her were full of forethought and meaning enshrined on the page for eternity whilst his were ethereal, ruled by passion and whim, an assemblage of sounds quickly lost in the breeze.
Still that didn't mean they were frivolous, they came from his heart directly without his brain getting in the way twisting them with prevarications. Surely that had to count for something? His intentions were always clear, free from manipulation and duplicity even if they may come over clumsily and forthright.
He guessed that's where it all began, that moment that didn't seem such a big deal to him once it had passed and was soon forgotten by him had stuck with her and festered within causing her to draw away from him.
Did it seem like he'd been another person to her in that moment? His childish exuberance getting the better of him in his excitement, flushed from this new experience and wanting more, asking for it again and again like a stuck record as if she would change her mind due to his pestering, as if it was something that simple, but his naivity didn't seem to register that as he replied to each of her "No"s with the same pleading question repeating it about five times before he gave up and the conversation moved on, everything seemingly fine between them.
The fact they saw less and less of each other following that he blamed on their ever hectic work schedules rather than some irreparable damage in the relationship.
He found himself empathising with Ellone, now knowing full well the feeling of wanting to go back and change the past, to erase that moment of stupidity that cost him so much. For truth be told his desire for that act of her physical revelation to him was far surpassed by the one just to be with her, the needs to hear her voice, smell her sweet scent, see and hold her without nudity much more keen now he could no longer do those things. Was it too late to mend this rift? Explain just how he felt and what he'd meant back then? But then he feared just what might come tripping from his tongue as all these thoughts bubbled in his brain, each one vying for supremecy, desperate to be heard out loud. Why couldn't he be more like her and marshall these thoughts into lines on a page? His disorganised thoughts once again betraying him, exposing the qualities he lacked to be a true leader.
He sighed deeply laying back on the stone of the pier and looked up at the blue sky, white clouds scattered like his thoughts, unable to concentrate as his mind went over and over the same things, looking for all the little things he'd said and done wrong, every minute mistake so he could torment himself further. He wanted it to stop, desperate not to see every memory of her tainted by this need to find fault with himself, didn't want everything to be marred by self bitterness. He shook his head as if to throw all these thoughts from within and his gaze settled on the inn up on the hill above him and he felt a crushing weight on his chest. That was where it all started, the first time she'd appeared to him, no longer a blank face in the crowd. But now that meant everything would register to him as in relation to her. Everytime he'd come home to see Ma there it'd be as a monument to his misery, nevermind everywhere in Garden that was touched by her visage, not the least the fact having to pass her in person. At least he rarely needed to visit the Library anymore, but the Cafeteria... could he be able to relish the hot dogs there or would they just turn to ash in his mouth?
He rolled over drawing himself up to his feet, his steps making squelchy noises in his now soeaked boots. It was no real use moping around here getting wet feet, as if the discomfort could actually take his mind off her in any way, nor did it work as a form of self punishment. He stopped in his tracks and spun round looking for the letter he had been holding but somehow misplaced in his reverie, he cast his eyes where he had lain but to no avail. He patted himself down, frantically checking his pockets to the absence of the sound and feel of crinkling paper. It couldn't be gone, losing even one of her letters was tantamount to letting her go. His breath caught in his throat as he saw the flash of white just off the pier, the letter rising and falling on each swelling wave drifting further away as if saying farewell. He wasn't about to let it go, he needed if it he had any hope of writing his own to win her back and so with that thought in mind he dived in after it.