A Childhood Missed

Chapter 1: College is great!

"What on earth are you doing with that?" The older boy grabbed his younger brother's arm and turned him around to face him, for once not letting up when he saw the startled, deer-in-the-headlight look in Daniel's eyes. This was too serious. And he knew it was all his own fault.

He had always been the good one. The mature one. The reliable one. He did what was expected of him. Not because he was being forced, but because he wanted to be that way. When their parents died he had only been 12 years old, but their oldest brother Adam had given up his scholarship in order to raise his brothers and Brian had become his right hand man both in parenting and in ranching, despite still being in high school. Not too many people realized that Crane, too, had stepped up and taken on a responsibility far beyond his years. With four younger brothers, one of whom only just a baby, he had figured that his 12 years were more than enough to step up to the plate. He may have been on the brink of puberty, but his older brothers didn't need a hormonal driven teenager making their lives even more difficult. Not that Crane had been a difficult almost-teenager to begin with. No, Crane had quickly learned from the mistakes his older brothers had made as teenagers. Both were temperamental and volatile and had definitely been a challenge at times for their parents. Not that it took away from their pride in their sons and their love for them, but that love had often been forced to come in the form of groundings, loss of privileges and the occasional trip to the barn. Crane had realized at a young age that life was easier if you just did as you were supposed to. And so when his older brothers turned parents overnight, Crane had quietly done his own share. The first step had been to help as much as he could in taking care of the little ones. Daniel, who was the closest to him in age, was taking the loss of their parents particularly hard. Not that the rest of them found it easy, but Daniel clammed up and started to have temper issues. Crane had always been close to Daniel, despite the four year age difference, but after their parents' deaths his more gentle way had worked better on Daniel than Adam's and Brian's way. He had always known what his brother was feeling and how to get through the shell his brother sometimes build around himself.

It shouldn't come as a surprise that leaving Daniel behind when he went to college had been as hard for Crane as it had been for Daniel. And it had been hard. There was no denying that. Crane had even tried to bring up the possibility of not going. He was more needed at the ranch. They couldn't miss him for such a long time. He would be too far away. What if something happened? But for the first time Brian and Adam had laid down the law when it came to the third brother. If they hadn't been so serious it would have been funny. Crane had never gotten yelled at by them. But it had been a heartwarming kind of yelling. The kind that left you feeling loved and wanted and knowing they wanted the absolute best for you. And Crane had accepted 'the verdict': he was going to Davis and that was that. The memory of that scene still brought a smile to his face.

There was no smile on his face now. There was fear, even anger. An anger Daniel thought was aimed at him. Little did the boy know Crane was mad at himself more than anything. Too late he realized that his grip on Daniel's arm was a little too tight. He immediately let go.

"I didn't mean to, Crane," Daniel looked up at his older brother, eyes teeming with still unshed tears. "I was only looking for a pencil sharpener. I was trying to finish my homework."

"I know, buddy, I know. Well…didn't know what you were looking for, but you wouldn't go through my stuff just like that." Crane carefully took the item from the teenager and put it in his back pocket. Then he opened another drawer to give him a sharpener. "Here you are."

"What was that, Crane?"

"Nothing special."

"Then why'd you get so upset?"

Fair question, Crane thought, but how was he to answer it?

"Crane?" Daniel had turned around to him again, "Look, I'm not a dummy, you know. I know what happens at college. And it's not just studying. There's parties and girls. But also drinking and there's drugs. I know about those, so you don't hafta lie to me."

"I'm not lying to you, Daniel. I've never lied to you."

"I know."

The trust the kid had in him was mindblowing. Truly humbling. But it also meant he couldn't lie to him now. Not even about this. But the boy wasn't even 15 yet. And they'd all had the talk. Hell, even the good one had gotten the speech. And a repeat of it right in the car when Adam drove him to Davis, only a couple of months ago.

"I may not have gone to college, Crane, but I know about the temptations you'll be facing. And don't get me wrong, I don't want you burying yourself in your books just so you can get home sooner." Crane had smiled at that, Adam knew him well, "I want you to enjoy the full college experience. Go out every now and then. Hang out with friends. Meet new people. I know I don't have to warn you about not letting parties get in the way of your studies. So don't tell your brothers, but I'm actually gonna tell you to party a little. I'm not even gonna warn you not to drink. I know you will. This is college, after all. And we already allow you a beer every now and then at home, despite being underage. But, buddy, one thing: you mess with drugs and I'm going to forget your age. Are we clear on that?"

And it had been clear, crystal clear. Adam had laid down the law when it came to drugs years ago. After their parents' deaths there hadn't been too many trips to the barn for any of them. Of course, for Adam and Brian that had pretty much been a given and Crane had simply followed the rules, but even for the rest the number of serious offenses could be counted on one hand in total. There may have been a swat to the butt every now and then, a warning, but mostly being grounded for a few days or some extra chores kept everyone in line. But lie, steal or risk your life and you'd risk a trip to the barn. And Adam had made it clear to every teenager that using any kind of drugs would be a sure way to get a real whipping. So there hadn't been a need for Adam to spell out what he meant by 'forgetting Crane's age' in case of drugs. Crane knew.

Apparently, his silence was answer enough for Daniel, "I won't tell Adam, if that's what you're worried about."

"Oh God…Daniel, I don't want you lying for me."

"Not telling on someone isn't the same as lying."

Now Crane had to laugh. "You forgot that speech about lying by omission already? Or the lesson about telling on someone is not the same as letting Adam and Brian know when someone is in real trouble?"

"Yeah, but you're not in trouble." The trust was still taking Crane's breath away. "You're just in college and experimenting a little. That's all. It's normal, right?"

Crane took a deep breath, "Yes, I've been experimenting a little. You're right, it's marijuana, a joint as they call it or pot. And it's mine. But that doesn't mean it's normal." Far from normal, which is why he'd stopped doing it. So why on earth had he forgotten that stupid half-smoked thing? Maybe because he'd wanted to forget the person who gave it to him.

"Wow…" Daniel couldn't believe his big brother was actually confiding in him. It was usually the other way around. Crane always seemed to understand why he did the things he did, how he felt and how to handle it. Daniel wanted to return the favor and now be the understanding brother. "Have you tried it often?"

"NO!" Crane took another breath and lowered his voice, "No, I'm not a pot head. I like getting good grades."

"Mister straight A. That's what Evan calls you. Especially when he brings home a C." Daniel grinned thinking back to a few arguments between Adam and Evan over missed school assignments. To Evan only one thing mattered and that could not be found at school. He already lived for horse riding and rodeo.

"Well, I have to, buddy, I'm on a scholarship so I have to keep my grades up."

"And you will. You won't let a joint now and then get between you and your goals. I know that, Crane."

"I'm not even…" Crane closed his eyes for a moment, trying to decide what to do. "Look, we'll talk about this later. You're only here for the weekend, so let's just enjoy it. No idea when we'll get to do this again. Money's tight and I can't see Adam allowing too many trips to visit your big brother."

"Nah, he said that this was just because I'd done so well at school."

"I know…so since this is your reward…what do you want to do?"

Daniel grinned wickedly, "Are there any good parties going on?"

"Oh no, no no no, I'm not taking you to any frat parties."

"Afraid I'd do things I shouldn't?"

"No, afraid of the competition with the girls. They'd be fawning all over you." Crane ruffled Daniel's hair, "Those McFadden genes are popular here, don't need more of them around."

Daniel giggled, "You're just afraid they'd like me better. "

"You bet I am."

Crane ended up showing Daniel around campus, although the more academic sights weren't really enough to entertain the almost 15-year old. But two guys and a girl playing music out in the open did catch the boy's attention and they lowered themselves into the grass as well. Daniel couldn't resist the urge to hum along and soon the girl looked at him.

"Can you only hum or do you have a voice as well?"

Daniel's face grew red hot and he found it hard to speak causing the girl to giggle.

"He sings. Plays the guitar too, but we didn't bring our instruments," Crane rescued his brother.

"Well then...don't just hum…SING!"

Daniel didn't need more encouragement and found that as soon as he started singing, he lost his inhibition. One of the guys had an extra guitar and soon Crane was playing along. They hardly noticed the crowd gathering around them. There was often music there, but this was a change from the usual groups playing their guitars and singing protest songs. People seemed to enjoy the change. They started to clap rhythmically, but no one sang along. No one wanted to spoil the beautiful sound of that boy's voice. Crane was glad Daniel didn't notice the sweet smell of weed on some of those present.

When they finally made their way back to Crane's dorm Daniel was bouncing, "That was amazing, Crane! Is it like that all the time? No wonder you love it so much. I wanna go to college too!"

"Now there's a statement that will make older brother really happy," Crane laughed out loud as he got out his key, "You know it's all he wants for all of us to get the degree he and Brian didn't get." It had been their parents' dream as well, but Crane didn't mention them for fear of spoiling his brother's cheerful mood.

"Yeah well…I'll need a lot more A's to get here. But gosh, Crane, to just sit down with strangers like that and make music. That was just groovy, so chill. Can we go back again tomorrow?"

"If you want to, but they may not be there tomorrow." Of course, other people would be there and there would be music again. There always seemed to be music somewhere these days. It was the 70s after all. "I was thinking we could go to the movies after dinner. If you want."

"Sure! Boy, this whole college thing sure is swell. You get to have all sorts of fun."

"And you have to study," Crane tried to point out, but it was lost on his brother.

"And no older brothers looking over your shoulder. No one telling you when to go to bed or what to eat. Or when to…"

Crane groaned, "You're gonna go home giving them all the completely wrong idea about all this, you know."

"Nah I'll tell them you studied all weekend and even made me do my homework."

"Yes, talking about that homework…weren't you going to do that? Why don't you finish it while I get us something to eat. That way we won't have to worry about it tomorrow. I'll even help you if you need help."

Daniel rolled his eyes, "Geesh, you're gonna sound like Adam if you start talking like that." But he didn't mind. When Adam told him to do his homework it usually caused Daniel to bristle, but when Crane did it, the boy just took out his homework and got to it. He knew Crane only wanted the best for him. Of course, deep down, he knew Adam felt the same way, but he couldn't help himself. He had to fight Adam. He never fought Crane.

"Keep comparing me to older brother and it'll be liver for you instead of pizza."

"You don't scare me. You hate liver more than I do!"

Crane couldn't deny that, "Never said I'd have liver. Just that you would."

"You'd never be that mean to your favorite brother in the whole wide world…"

Crane laughed, "Maybe I would, maybe I wouldn't. You do your homework and you'll never have to find out."

"I'd do my homework even if you didn't make such a silly threat. D'ya wanna know why? Cause I wanna go to college too. And I'll need good grades to do that."

"You sure do. Pizza it is then." Crane opened the freezer and got out a frozen pizza. He didn't have enough money to order pizza, but had found this grocery story that sold frozen ones that were pretty decent. Of course, he could try making them himself, but that usually took too much time and time was not something he had a lot of, despite what his younger brother seemed to think. He placed it in the oven and got out his own books to catch up on his maths.

The next day found the two brothers in the park again, this time with their own guitars, and again they made music for hours. It baffled Daniel how easily strangers got together and just connected through music. To their own family music had always been important and he knew people loved going to bands, but making music with strangers in a park? That was completely new to him and he loved it.

For both brothers the weekend went by too fast and before they knew it they were standing at the bus depot.

"I don't wanna go, Crane," Daniel didn't manage to keep the whine out of his voice.

Crane laughed, "You sounds like Guthrie when he doesn't want to go to sleep or has to eat his vegetables."

"Don't laugh at me! It was so cool and now I have to go home, back to school and chores and I won't see you for ages!"

That made Crane laugh even harder, "Ages huh? I take it you don't want me home for Thanksgiving then. I guess I could use the extra time to study at the library. Or work."

The teasing earned him a punch in the arm. "You're mean, you know. Of course I want you home for Thanksgiving. You have to come home for that!"

"Ah good to hear that."

"You're right, that's really soon. Less than two weeks now."

"Right. You'll survive, kiddo."

"I guess," Daniel grinned. "And me going home means you might have a shot with that cute girl we saw yesterday."

"Oh the one who was swooning all over you, you mean."

"That one. With me out of the way…maybe she'll finally see you. I saw you looking at her."

"If she's a cradle snatcher I may not want her anymore."

"Suuuuure," Daniel teased.

The two of them laughed for a moment, but then Crane became serious again, "Look, Daniel, about the joint you found…"

"Don't worry, Crane. I said I wouldn't tell Adam and I won't."

"That's just it, kiddo, I don't want you doing that. I'm not doing the whole discussion with you about what constitutes a lie. Because I know you know. You know it is something you really should tell. No…don't try to deny it. I know you do. Otherwise you wouldn't be so adamant in telling me you won't tell. And I don't want you in a position like that. I'll not have you keep my secrets."

"So you want me to tell?" Confusing filled Daniel's voice.

"No, that is my responsibility. I'm going to tell him myself. I'll tell him next time I'm home."

"At Thanksgiving? But that…it'll spoil…"

"It won't spoil Thanksgiving. I won't let it. I'll tell him. I'll let him yell as much as he wants, let him get it out of his system. I'll promise not to do it anymore and that's it."

"I guess since you're 18 he won't…well, you know…"

Crane knew that wasn't exactly true, but he didn't have to worry Daniel with it. "No matter what Adam says, I won't let it spoil Thanksgiving. Promise. So no worries, okay? And no worries about having to keep my secrets."

"Okay…" Daniel didn't sound completely convinced, but the arrival of the bus effectively put an end to their conversation. After a heartfelt hug the boys said their goodbyes and Daniel boarded for the long journey back home. His older brother went home where he called home to let them know Daniel was safely on the bus. Then he lay down on his bed to stare at the ceiling and think about how he was going to handle this. One thing was certain: he was not going to tell Adam before Thanksgiving dinner. He was at home until Sunday late afternoon, so the best thing to do was leave it until after Thanksgiving. There was no reason to spoil everyone's day with moody older brothers. But that was the easy part. The hard part was to try and come up with the right words to confess. Because that is what it was going to be: a confession. And it wasn't something Crane had a lot of experience with.