My friends are dorks. So, I'm on this forum called Smash Mansion, and the leader guy has decided that in order to increase traffic/do something, we're having a fic competition. In which we write a one thousand to two hundred word chapter (not counting intros/outros) containing at least ten of thirty predetermined phrases.
Frankly, I don't really want to enter the contest, but the admin persuaded me with a very compelling argument involving the fact that the Smash Mansion has always been at war with Eastasia.
Chapter 1: Contest Ending September 2009
The hammer clattered against the gavel.
"Hear ye, hear ye!" called Popo. "I now call this meeting of the Young Gentlemen's Club to order! Brother Lucas, you have the floor."
"Does he get the carpet too?" asked Toon Link, clutching his precious shag pile.
"Ignored," decreed Popo. "Brother Lucas, proceed."
"I would like to strip Father Ness of his rank as High Priest," said Lucas. "Today, he has committed a most grievous crime. The crime is murder!"
Popo, Toon Link, Kirby, Diddy, Pokemon Trainer, and Lucas all gasped in shock. A cupcake fell out of Kirby's mouth.
"Why are you gasping?" asked Ness. "You were all there!"
"I'll be asking the questions around here!" barked Lucas. "Now, what motive did you have for murdering one of the Earth's beautiful creatures?"
"Are we even on Earth?" asked Ness curiously.
"Aren't I supposed to be asking the questions around here?" asked Lucas.
"Didn't you just ask one?" asked Kirby, double-stuffing his Oreos.
"Uncle Kirby, hold your tongue!" reprimanded Lucas. "Now I'll ask you again. Why did you kill that animal?"
"I didn't kill anything," replied Kirby.
"Not you," seethed Lucas.
"That wasn't an animal," protested Ness. "It looked like a rock."
"But it wasn't a rock!" said Lucas, jabbing a finger in Ness' chest. "It was a rock lobster!"
Diddy Kong strummed a riff on his guitar.
"Grandpa Diddy, please, silence!" demanded Popo. "Brother Lucas has the floor."
"Thank you, King Popo," nodded Lucas. "Now, why did you kill the rock lobster?"
"It wasn't me," replied Popo.
"NOT! TALKING! TO YOU!" raged Lucas. "It's just-uh-grr-Nephew Pokemon Trainer, the evidence, please?"
Pokemon Trainer handed Lucas a novelty recorder.
"Now, when I press play, we'll all hear a dramatic reconstruction of the murder," explained Lucas, pressing play.
"I... ...fight... for..." gasped Ike, "my... ...FRIIIEEEENNDDSSS!"
"Thanks, Ike!" smiled Link. "This'll make a great ringtone! I sure hope those kids don't take my recorder though."
"That doesn't sound like a murder," said Toon Link.
"It sounds like Link and Ike," said Pokemon Trainer.
"Link said that it's his recorder," noticed Diddy.
"Why did you think the evidence would be on there?" asked Kirby.
"Looks like your case is faltering," said Popo.
"You're such an idiot!" agreed Nana, stroking her fake moustache.
"Hold on!" gasped Lucas. "That sounded like a girl's voice!"
"Well yeah," replied Ness. "We're prepubescent boys. We're probably all voiced by women."
"King Popo, isn't that your sister?" asked Lucas.
"I think I'd recognise my own sister," scoffed Popo.
Lucas strode over to Nana and ripped off her moustache.
"Mom!" cheered Popo.
"Oh, it's just Girl Popo," noticed Lucas. "No harm, no foul. Hey, wait, you, over there, with the makeup and the hygiene! Did you see Ness kill the rock lobster?"
"Uh, I saw him step on a rock," said Nana. "Does that count?"
"But it wasn't a rock!" fumed Lucas. "It was a rock lobster!"
Diddy Kong strummed a riff on his guitar.
Lucas patiently waited.
"Rock lobster!" sang Diddy Kong.
Lucas grabbed the neck of Diddy's guitar and swung it against the wall three times, breaking it apart. Clutching the broken front side in one hand, he launched the guitar forwards onto the ground, and dived on top of the wreckage. He picked up the pile of wood and strings and thrust it into Diddy Kong's arms.
"This should cover it," said Lucas bitterly, throwing money at Diddy Kong.
Wordlessly, Diddy Kong placed down his guitar, sobbing.
"It'll never cover it, the pieces are too big," said Toon Link.
"I mean it'll compensate for the damages," sighed Lucas.
"Girl Popo agrees with me!" gloated Ness. "Maybe I'll join her Young Ladies' society instead! I bet they know a lot more about sanity and good manners than you Young Gentlemen!"
"Oh boy!" grinned Nana, blowing her pink, flowery whistle. "Young Ladies, assemble!"
Nobody came.
"I thought Jigglypuff was a little girl too!" fumed Nana.
"Oh, I think I can help," said Pokemon Trainer. "I choose you! Jigglypuff!"
He threw a Pokeball on the floor. It burst open and captured the shag pile carpet. Toon Link wept.
"Guess I threw an empty," frowned Pokemon Trainer.
"I guess we'll never know where Jigglypuff went," said Lucas hurriedly. "Now please go away."
"You can't just send me away!" pouted Nana. "I'm the only one who agrees with Ness!"
"I agree with Ness," said Kirby lazily, looking up from his chips.
Lucas squinted really hard at Kirby, concentrating his psychic abilities. Killer leeches rained down from the ceiling, landing on Kirby's scalp. Fluids were drained from Kirby's innards, and in seconds the blubbery pink corpse lay rotting on the playpen floor.
"Don't you think it's ironic that you're trying to convict me of murder but you just killed Uncle Kirby for siding with me?" asked Ness.
"Oh, it's not like anybody will miss him," snapped Lucas.
"I will!" said Diddy. "I mean, losing him and my guitar in the same day, that's just an overkill of sadness and despair! I don't know if I can carry on!"
Diddy slumped to the floor and began dying of a broken heart.
"That's your third kill in ten minutes," said Popo. "Brother Lucas, I believe this makes you a serial killer."
"He killed breakfast too?" asked Toon Link. "That makes four murders!"
"Lucas, please!" gasped Ness. "Control yourself!"
"Hey!" shouted Link angrily, "These taste wet!"
"Oh, who went and left that recorder on?" asked Pokemon Trainer, annoyed. "The battery's going to run out!"
"No, it'll be fine," smiled Toon Link. "That's what the battery cover is for. Those batteries aren't going anywhere!"
"You should have told me this would be so moist-" The recording ended abruptly.
"The battery died," said Ness, shaking the recorder. "Who left the recorder on anyway?"
"Brother Lucas did while trying to convict you," said Popo. "He should have turned it off to save battery power."
"Oh my god, Lucas," snarled Nana incredulously. "Five murders? Are you kidding me?"
"Okay, first of all, the guitar wasn't alive," said Lucas. "Technically, the leeches killed Kirby, not me. Diddy only died because he was heartbroken. Toon Link can't distinguish between cereal and serial. Lastly, batteries are, again, not alive."
"Nobody cares what a murderer has to say," argued Ness.
"You're the murderer!" shouted Lucas. "You killed the rock lobster!"
"I stepped on a rock!" raged Ness.
"Brother Lucas, please try to restrain yourself," urged Popo. "Don't spill more innocent blood."
"He is not innocent!" screamed Lucas. "He's a murderer!"
"Mee-yow, he's crazy," remarked Ness to Pokemon Trainer.
"What did you say?" asked Nana.
"I said mee-yow," shrugged Ness. "It's my catchphrase. I say it all the time."
"I want a catchphrase," said Toon Link enviously.
"Indeed, I propose a new meeting," nodded Popo. "First, we shall have deliberation on our catchphrases, followed by the induction of Girl Popo into the Young Gentlemen's Club."
"No!" shouted Lucas. "We're holding a trial!"
"That catchphrase is terrible," said Toon Link. "Oh! Can mine be 'berries of deceit'?"
"It's not my catchphrase!" bellowed Lucas. "Ness killed the rock lobster! He should be punished!"
"Can mine be 'That'll work'?" asked Ness.
"No," said Popo.
"How about 'That'll do'?" asked Ness.
"Yes," said Popo.
"Is refusing 'That'll work' my punishment?" asked Ness.
"Yes," said Popo. "Will you drop it now, Lucas?"
"He's not holding anything," said Toon Link.
"No, I mean will he forget about the murder," explained Popo.
"I don't think he will," admitted Toon Link. "Killing has been shown to have lasting effects on people's psyches."
"I didn't kill anyone!" shouted Lucas.
"And neither did I," said Ness. "You see? Everyone's happy."
"I'm not happy!" exclaimed Lucas. "I'm furious!"
"I have a proposal," said Nana.
"I'd love to, but we're too young," said Toon Link sadly.
"How about we pair Lucas up with a cuddly little animal?" simpered Nana. "I know that when I'm angry, the anger melts away when I see my beloved Professor Flippers IV!"
"Who's that?" asked Ness.
"It's her stuffed penguin," explained Popo.
"I'm real!" shouted King Dedede, echoing from somewhere near Nana's room.
"I have just the fluffy animal in mind!" beamed Pokemon Trainer. "I choose you! Wigglytuff!"
Pokemon Trainer threw out another Poke Ball, and Wigglytuff appeared.
"You woke me up," growled Wigglytuff threateningly, glaring at Lucas.
"No I didn't," said Lucas, "He's the one who sent you out."
Lucas pointed at Pokemon Trainer. Wigglytuff furiously turned to face the trainer.
"I'm gonna cut you up!" screamed Wigglytuff, holding a gun.
Wigglytuff shot Pokemon Trainer so hard that he died.
"Oh my god!" gasped Popo. "He just set that wild animal on Pokemon Trainer! That's his sixth kill!"
"It's not a wild animal!" said Lucas, exasperated. "It's a trained Pokemon! It's his fault for sending it out when it was trying to sleep!"
The doorbell rang.
"Oh, sounds like our food's here!" grinned Ness.
"You guys ordered takeout?" asked Nana. "Can I have some?"
"Sure," smiled Popo. "Thanks to Brother Lucas, we've got three less people anyway. Could somebody go get the door?"
Everyone went to the front door, where a delivery man stood with some bags.
"Thank you for choosing Tertiarofsky's Wheat," said the delivery man in a thick Russian accent. "Here's your wheat."
"Excuse me, I ordered Diet Wheat," frowned Toon Link.
"There is no such thing as Diet Wheat, sir," replied Tertiarofsky.
"Oops, excuse me, I think I left my dinner in the oven," lied Toon Link, running off.
"But he ordered takeout," said Tertiarofsky to himself. "My suspicions are aroused..."
Toon Link came back with a very large stick and beat Tertiarofsky to death for his mistake. He then decided to put on his clothes, as the wheat delivery industry is thriving.
"Hey, Toon Link, what's taking so long?" asked Ness, walking over to the door with Nana, Lucas and Popo.
Tertiarofsky's dead, naked corpse lay in the foyer of the Mansion.
"Oh my god!" cried Nana.
"The delivery guy!" cried Popo.
"He's dead!" cried Lucas.
Toon Link coughed nervously.
"That will cost you twenty rubles!" said Toon Link in a Russian accent, wearing
obviously stolen clothes from the Russian man he just killed.
"Who did this?!" asked Popo, outraged.
"I saw it all!" said the other delivery man in Tertiarofsky's car. "It was the blond kid!"
Everyone glared at Lucas.
"You are so not in the Young Gentlemen's Club," said Popo coldly.
"You've got to be freaking kidding me," sighed Lucas, burying his face in his hands.
And there's my entry. Why not come along to the Smash Mansion and make an account to vote for me? If I enter again at some point, this story will get a second chapter.
This has been for the 10 Line Contest I've mentioned a few times, and is not meant to be a serious portrayal of my writing chops. It's just for funsies. So don't worry, I'm actually far less capable than I appear.
The ten lines that I used from the Smash Mansion 10 Line Fic Contest are:
1) 'but it wasn't a rock'
2)"I... ...fight... for..." gasped Ike, "my... ...FRIIIEEEENNDDSSS!"
3)'ripped off her moustache'
4)'placed down his guitar, sobbing'
5)'Killer leeches'
6)'dying of a broken heart'
7)"Hey!" shouted Link angrily, "These taste wet!"
8)'mee-yow'
9)"I'm gonna cut you up!" screamed Wigglytuff, holding
10)"That will cost you twenty rubles!" said (character) in a Russian accent, wearing
obviously stolen clothes from the Russian man they just killed. (in this case, Toon Link and he in place of character and they)