This one came to me as I was having a conversation with a friend who hates shopping around the holidays. Just another piece where Bones comes up with a plan to get Booth where she really wants him (pun intended). This is chapter one, and I have the other two chapters completed and will be posting chapter two tomorrow and chapter three the day after that. I hope you enjoy this one. Let me know. Gregg.
Disclaimer: I don't own, or profit from, these characters or franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
"BOOTH!" Bones said loudly to her sleeping partner who was snoring away in the passenger seat of her car.
Booth jerked awake and looked out the car window. He sighed. The mall. A massive shopping mall in Washington, DC. The morning after Thanksgiving. "Bones," he whined. "Could you explain to me once again how the hell I ever agreed to come shopping with you the morning after Thanksgiving???"
"You said you'd always be there for me," she said as if that cleared up the whole issue. She inwardly grinned, as she was acting decidedly out of character. She generally hated shopping, and yet here she was at 6am at a shopping mall about to get in a long line to get into the stores once they opened early for the day after Thanksgiving sales.
"Somehow I don't think I was referring to getting woken up by you banging on my front door at 3:30 in the freakin' morning telling me we're going Christmas shopping," he said with a hint of sarcasm which as usual went right over Bones' head. He had to admit, though, that it was very nice to see Bones getting excited about the holidays. Ever since he'd recovered from his brain surgery, she'd been spending most of her free time with him, and also getting more involved in ordinary everyday activities that she used to shun, including holidays. He'd have thought that she would still try and avoid anything Christmasy, but evidently not.
"You placed no stipulations on that statement, Booth," Bones countered, "therefor I take you at your literal word, and I need you here."
"But you hate shopping, and so do I," Booth protested, a whiny tinge to his voice. Especially at this horribly ungodly hour! his mind shouted inside his head.
"But we've got a full day mapped out for shopping," Bones explained, as if that really explained it all. She silently thanked Angela for giving her this idea. The reaction of Booth was perfect, plus a lot of fun to see and hear.
Booth's eyes bugged out when he heard that, and his brain belatedly processed it. "A full day???" he almost screamed. As it was, his voice gained an octave or two and was a bit louder than usual. "As in the whole day???"
"Of course," she replied, opening her door to get out. "And that's only today. We've got more shopping tomorrow and Sunday, too."
"Three days???" came the high pitched octave again.
"Today we're only working on getting a new wardrobe for me," she explained as she took him by the arm and led him to the impossibly large crowd at the main door to the mall.
"And how is that Christmas shopping?" he protested. "The whole point of Christmas shopping is to find gifts for others, Bones."
Bones turned to him with a wicked gleam in her eyes. She leaned in close and whispered so only he could hear her. "Because you get to see me try on everything and give your opinion," she informed him.
Booth thought about that one a bit, taking into account his hatred of shopping, but also what promised to be an awesome chance to see Bones in various kinds of outfits (and if he was incredibly fortunate various states of undress), some of them definitely being very sexy, and he did the only thing a sane man could do. "I'm your man," he told her, picking up the pace to the mall entrance.
No, but you soon will be, her mind told her gleefully.
Nearly two mind numbing hours later, Booth was practically falling asleep in the chair he was in as Bones kept on trying out different shoes of all styles and colors. How the hell can it take so long to get some fucking shoes??? Is this normal? Does she go through this torture when Angela drags her kicking and screaming to the mall to do some power shopping, as the artist terms it? If so, he was never going to encourage Bones to go with Angela again. He wouldn't wish this on his worst enemy. The only saving grace at this moment was that the shoe store was practically devoid of customers as all the real Christmas shoppers were in the toy stores and in the children's clothing sections. He knew that wouldn't last, so he figured he'd spend the time mentally preparing for the onslaught of mayhem and madness that surely awaited them later on.
"Booth?" Bones called out from a few feet away as she walked in some rather nice suede boots. "Do these boots make me look too tall?" she asked, looking down at her lower legs.
Booth cursed a blue streak in his mind. This had to be one of those dreaded questions where there was absolutely no way to get it right, just like the good old kiss of death "does this make me look fat" question, and avoid either the silent treatment, or a well placed kick in the balls.
"Uh...No?" he replied hesitantly after taking in the sight. They did look good on her, and the heels only accented her calves and thighs, with a slight upturn of her perfect derrière. Oh what he wouldn't give to be able to see that perfect part of her anatomy completely bare. It was thoughts like that that had been plaguing him ever since he'd met her, but were even worse now that she was spending so much time with him outside of work.
Bones chuckled and decided to have a slight bit of mercy on him. "Good answer," she said as she nodded to the sales clerk that she would take the boots, too. That made nine total pairs of shoes, heels, flats, and boots. She put on her original pair that she'd worn into the store and gathered up her shoulder bag and went to the check stand.
"$1300???" Booth almost had heart failure when the clerk rang up the purchase.
"What's wrong with that?" Bones asked as she handed over her credit card. This was her low balance card as it only had a $100,000 credit line on it. She didn't think that she should let Booth know that, though. He knew she was personally wealthy due to her books and also her contract work with the Jeffersonian and other institutions, so he shouldn't be so surprised that she would spend a great deal on clothes when she actually went shopping.
"Bones, don't you think $1300 on shoes is a little much?" he asked.
"But you wear $1200 suits," she pointed out as she signed the display console. She didn't mention that she'd made a purchase for him earlier in the week. It was a custom tailored suit from Brooks Brothers. She'd sneaked into his closet and checked out the specific sizes he wore. She also didn't dare tell him the price for the suit, shirts, socks, and three different pairs of shoes for the suit. He'd have a heart attack at the $5,000 price tag.
"That's a full suit, Bones, not shoes," he gamely debated the point.
"And this is nine pairs of shoes," she countered. "Bring these along, Booth. Next stop, blouses and pants, then we can work on some dresses."
"I have to carry all this?" he whined some more, not because he didn't feel chivalrous, but because there were a hell of a lot of things to carry that were awkwardly shaped.
"Problem, Booth?" she asked with a teasing smile. "I finally let you do something for me without arguing about it, and you complain?" she asked with a raised brow.
"Can we take it out to the car first?" he asked as he proceeded to pick up all the boxes.
The next three stores were a bust, as Bones couldn't find any shirts and blouses that struck her fancy, and it was damn time consuming, too. By the time they had left the third of the stores it was almost noon. Time for lunch in his opinion.
"How about some lunch, Bones?" he asked as they walked along the mall. "We can head out to the Diner and then come back."
"You just want some fresh pie," she debated the idea of going to the diner. "There's a salad bar in the food court up ahead, and you can get a burger and fries for yourself at one of the other places."
"No pie?" he whined, almost scandalized. Bones dragging him out when it was still pitch black outside caused him to miss his morning piece of pie, so he figured he was entitled.
"Behave and I'll buy you a whole pie from the diner on the way home," she responded, knowing that that would end the debate.
"Apple?" he asked, suddenly very interested in the offer.
"Okay, I'll get you apple, though I still don't understand how you can stand to eat your fruit cooked," she agreed, though without giving up the last word.
Fifteen minutes later they were sitting in a comfortable booth in the middle of the food court enjoying their lunch. Bones, of course, was stealing Booth's French Fries, while he was trying to cajole her into trying some pie when they got some at the diner later on. In other words, their usual pattern.
"So what's next on the agenda?" Booth asked in the middle of a large bite of his burger.
"There's another store I want to check out for some blouses, and then I want to look at some formal wear," she informed him. "There's some receptions that I'm obligated to attend in the next couple of months, and I need a couple of new gowns. There's some shoes sold at that store so accessorizing won't be a problem."
"More shoes?" Booth asked, dumbfounded. He would never understand why women went through all the extras when it came to clothes considering that most men didn't notice, even though when they didn't notice they paid a serious price.
"And after that we need to make a stop at the lingerie store," she continued, ignoring his complaining about more shoes. She figured that would catch his attention. It did, if his sudden choking fit over a mouthful of hamburger was any indication.
"LINGERIE???" he managed to squeak out when he had stopped choking, and he'd pinched himself to see if he was dreaming all this.
"Of course, Booth," she replied as if nothing was wrong. "I can't very well buy all these new clothes and not accessorize with new lingerie. I'm bringing you with me as I'd like your opinion, as a man, on what pieces I should purchase that will look best on me."
Booth was about to have a heart attack. Why was Bones doing this to him in public? He'd finally reached a point where he could deal with her discussions about sex and anything sex related when they were in private and not in the process of working on a case, but this was incredibly public. Did she have any idea what the thought of her in lingerie, any lingerie for that matter, did to him? He was perfectly content to admit that he'd been a colossal idiot when he made up that line bullshit a couple of years before, but did she have to torture him? He had the distinct feeling that by the end of the day he would be more than willing to chuck the line and save the apple pie for the next morning. He'd make his amends with God in confession on Sunday when he went to Mass.
"On you?" he asked, not sure he was ready for the answer, especially in public.
Bones got a thoroughly evil grin on her face. "I know my sizes, Booth, so I figured that I would let you help me pick out the lingerie and then I would have you give me your honest opinion of them at my apartment as I model them for you," she suggested. "At the very least I figure that a certain piece of your anatomy will let me know if you like what I have on."
"Are you serious, Bones?" he asked. He had to. His sanity was hanging on by a thread at this point after this short, but lethal, discussion about helping her pick out lingerie.
"As a coronary," she said without delay.
"As a heart attack, Bones," Booth chuckled, even as Seeley Jr. was dancing merrily at the thought of a private lingerie show starring Bones. Jr was also letting Sr know that perhaps a lap dance or two would be in order if a private lingerie show was on the agenda. "But you were close."
"I am getting better," she said with a smile. All that television she'd been watching with him since his surgery was paying off. Angela's suggestion of this shopping trip were also paying dividends. She hated shopping, but she had to admit that this morning with Booth, while entertaining in itself, was also a nice way to spend time together. Now if her plans for the night panned out, and she convinced him to make this a really spectacular Thanksgiving Holiday, then it would make a day long shopping excursion really worth it.
"A book store?" Booth asked when they had finished their lunch and made their way to another store. He'd thought that she was going to go to another shop for some blouses and shirts.
"I only wanted to check and see if a few book were out yet," she replied as she dragged him into the store. She made her way to a specific section that had warnings that the material was of a mature nature.
"Porn, Bones?" he asked, not really wanting to enter.
"Of course not, Booth," she said to her amusingly prudish friend. "There are a couple of anthropological works on human sexuality and sexual practices that are coming out soon, and I wanted to check and see if they were here yet."
"Sure sounds like porn to me," he muttered under his breath. He followed her into the area in question.
"I heard that," she replied without looking back, though she was smiling. She really was looking for a specific set of books, but his discomfort was an added bonus. And to be fair, the specific books she was after were kept in the porn section as the subject matter was decidedly adult.
The books were indeed out and she got the three she was looking for, but decided to play on Booth's sensibilities a bit by perusing some of the pornographic magazines, the ones which had men and women in rather blatant poses together. She herself did not mind porn, and in fact appreciated the anthropologic aspects of the genre. While not an aficionado herself, she did have a small collection of pornographic movies, and magazines, for when she felt the urge to engage in some solo sexual gratification. She didn't want to cloud the issue with the toy collection she had, also.
"Bones!" Booth hissed when he saw that she was actually flipping through one of those skin mags. He then saw what picture she was looking very intently at. "HOLY SHIT!" he exclaimed. There before him in living color in the magazine she was holding was a woman going down on a guy and he was very well endowed. He just knew that he'd be making some extra time for a longer than usual confession that week.
"What?" Bones asked in as innocent a voice as she could make. "It's only a woman performing fellatio. It's perfectly normal, Booth. Or don't you like receiving a blowjob?"
He wanted to kill her right then. Maybe not right then. After he fucked her senseless and took care of his own specific needs first, but then he'd kill her. She was deliberately trying to embarrass him. IN PUBLIC no less! If the guys at the Bureau were to see him now, he'd be so screwed.
"I'm a guy, Bones, of course I like that," he admitted in as quiet a voice as he could, yet still making sure she heard him. "But we are in PUBLIC here. Talking about oral sex, and actually seeing a visual image of it is not appropriate!"
Bones shook her head in mock exasperation. "I will never understand the puritanical modesty of so many people," she said, knowing that he would be mentally wanting to strangle her. It would certainly make for a much more interesting evening, if she had her way about it.
"The Puritans were nuts, Bones, but at least they understood the idea of discretion a bit more than certain people I know," he said frustratedly.
"So if we were in, say, either of our apartments having dinner, or watching television, it would be alright to discuss oral sex?" she questioned mischievously.
"Of course," he said before he fully comprehended what she'd said, and then he cursed mentally. Now he was in deep shit come evening.
She gathered her books, and a couple of magazines she'd been flipping through, and made her way to the checkout stand. "I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to this evening, Booth," she said with a smile.
"I'm going to kill Angela for being gone today," he said silently through clenched teeth, all the while looking forward to the evening himself. He followed Bones and watched as she purchased the books and magazines, the clerk giving him an odd, knowing look, even though it was Bones who was actually interested in the magazines. He was definitely going to get even for this.
A/N: I'm steadily working on new chapters for The List, since I want several completed chapters ready before posting any more on that story, and I also am almost done with a new chapter for She's Special which takes a look at Booth's impressions of Bones during the course of their partnership, which helps an amnesiac Booth to understand the special person she is. Sorry for all the delays this summer, but I've been horribly busy with a number of things.
A/N2: I was considering an idea for a sequel to A Friend In Need, and wanted to gauge interest in seeing one. Any feedback on that possibility would be greatly appreciated.