Author's Note: Though I was aiming for a humorous Valentine's Day story, the following is a product of frustration after spending a night reading a wonderfully long fanfic. Believing it would end Percy/Oliver (as indicated!), I was shocked when it turned out to be a Percy/Penelope love story! So for all those who love to hate Penelope Clearwater, this one is for you. Just a warning, Penelope isn't worldly in this piece and some of the words she says are harsh. Don't worry - our boys can handle it! Proceed with caution, as I don't have a beta and the spell checking is limited to my word processor's temperament. – Carol
Disclaimer: JK Rowling and Warner Bros. own Harry Potter. No copyright infringement is intended. Please do not archive this story.
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My Funny Valentine
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"You keep dancing like that and they'll kick us out of here. More like this."
Oliver placed his hands on Percy's hips, guiding them back and forth. It was a futile effort, as the redhead closed his eyes and moved his hips without any sign that he understood the concept of rhythm.
For this Valentine's dance, Percy didn't notice that the apartment was jammed with ridiculously costumed guests from both the muggle and wizarding world. He didn't recognize the tune of Monster Mash that Oliver insisted they dance to, or notice that the Quidditch team towel boy was spiking the pumpkin juice. Instead, he was standing in the middle of a living room and trying to pretend that the hands on his hips weren't furry, plastic ones.
He wrapped his arms tightly around the neck of the six-foot ape and whispered in his ear, "Ol?"
Silence.
Percy pressed his mouth against the costume head and yelled, "OLIVER!"
He let go of the redhead, startled, and then resumed the embrace. "Gee, Perce. A tap would have done it."
They continued to sway to the music. "We really should mingle. I want to thank Janet for inviting us. And she wanted you to talk to her brother about Quidditch strategies. Besides, she could use a hand," he nodded towards the door, as Janet was unsuccessfully trying to keep Oliver's drunken teammates from leaving.
The ape turned around. "HEY! Jones, Bell! Where the hell do you think you're heading?"
Oliver forcefully gestured towards the balcony and his two teammates (dressed as Dumbledore and Harry Potter) slowly turned to head in that direction. Mouthing a silent 'thank you' at the men, Janet disappeared into the kitchen.
He turned back to his dance partner. "Must go now, be gallant. I'll make sure they apparate home safely, and then come back to talk to David. Don't spend the entire night cleaning up the place, ok?"
Percy knew there was a smirk under the mask. He was about to turn towards the kitchen when a large arm was placed heavily on his shoulder.
"Hey. I'm looking forward to finishing that dance at our place. It's just, before you go, remember that… well… I'm bananas over you."
Under yellow makeup, Percy felt his face turn red. He pressed his lips together, trying to ignore the fact that he wore a green stem-shaped hat and a banana-brand sticker on his chest.
"And how long have you been waiting to say that one?"
"All evening!" The ape announced gleefully as he made he way to the balcony.
***
"You two are really bananas over each other, aren't you?" Janet remarked dryly, as Percy handed her another wine glass to dry.
Percy rolled his eyes. "Honestly, Jan. You and Ol have the same poor sense of humor. Speaking of which, you haven't seen him around here?"
She gestured towards the living room. "Sure, he was talking to David about Quidditch an hour ago. My brother was in his glory, and I'm afraid it'll be awhile before I forgive your boyfriend for making the next week's conversations with David totally Quidditch-oriented!"
Janet glanced into the living room. "Uh- Perce? Oliver doesn't drink much, does he?"
Percy drained the sink and shook his head profusely.
"By any chance, does he drink pumpkin juice?"
"Loves the stuff, we can't keep it in the fridge!"
"So, no one told you guys that the towel guy spiked it?"
"What?" He walked over to Janet and looked out to the living room. Though a lot of people remained, the sober ones were helping those who were drunk or passed out to apparate. Everyone seemed to be walking around a large rug in the center of the floor. A large, ape-shaped rug.
Percy dried his hands on the towel he was holding and handed it absent-mindedly to Janet. They exchanged a knowing glance and she waved him on.
He walked into the living room and kneeled by the passed-out ape. Muttering a quick charm, both reappeared in their small apartment.
Percy removed his stem hat, threw it on the floor and ran a hand through his hair.
"Of all things to happen, of all the nights to get drunk," he muttered, as he tried to lift the ape off the ground. After a few more unsuccessful attempts, he settled for dragging Oliver onto the couch.
He knew it wasn't Oliver's fault that he was half-snapped - rather, snapped. More so, his anger was directed towards the towel boy. And the fact that he left Oliver alone for so long. And at the game of Quidditch in general. Actually, now that he thought about it, he was mad at Oliver. Damn his love of all things pumpkin!
He sighed. He knew the real reason behind his frustration. After all, Jan and Dave were good friends, and Oliver would just laugh this incident off when he woke up.
He eyed the still ape-figure on the sofa, and tried not to think about what today was, or what it meant to him. But he couldn't stop thinking about how Oliver confessed to him last night that this would be his first Valentine's Day that he was ever in love. How he was able to wake up this morning and give flowers. And receive the boxes of chocolates that Percy had stockpiled for months. He was looking forward to spending an intimate night with him after the party had ended.
Percy felt a slow smile spread across his face. At the very least, it was a memory. "Hey, we'll try for the full twenty-four hours next year, huh Ol?" he said softly. A loud snore was his answer. It was going to be a long night.
***
Still in his banana costume, Percy removed the whistling kettle from the stove and made a cup of tea. He glanced towards the living room. He spent the hour doing the crossword until it occurred to him that he couldn't allow Oliver to continue sleeping in a mask. Taking his mug with him, he kneeled by the couch.
Gently, he separated the plastic head from the furry body and lifted it up.
Blond curls fell onto the couch.
Percy felt the first sign of true panic, as he heart beat faster and he could almost see himself acting outside his body. Oliver wasn't in Oliver's costume. It was – a girl?
And she was staring up at him with blue eyes that looked so familiar…
"Penelope Clearwater?" he stuttered.
She battered her eyelashes as though trying to fully wake-up, and then gave him a broad smile. She smelled of alcohol and tobacco, and her voice was perky. "Here in the flesh."
And drunk as a stunk, he thought.
Penelope Clearwater is in my living room, Percy thought as he continued to stare at her. And he felt his heart beat even faster, as a new form of panic set in again. He had kidnapped the daughter of one of the most powerful and wealthiest of wizard families. The daughter of the man who once made Percy write an eight-page report on the trouble with today's youth when he was five minutes late (no, allegedly five minutes late) in bringing her home one night. He was going to kill Percy. But – but – more importantly –
"Where the hell is Oliver?" he exploded.
Penny sat up against the couch arm, folding the oversized furry arms across her chest. Her eyes were bright, and it occurred to Percy that she always could retain her sensibilities while drunk.
"You took me home with you," she purred, a smile tugging at her lips.
A darkened look suddenly crossed her face. "Who's Oliver? Don't tell me, Perce, that you're still rooming with Wood! What, seven years at Hogwarts wasn't enough!"
But the redhead wasn't listening. He began to pace the room at a rapid pace, muttering the possibilities of where Oliver could be. The words "balcony" and "dumpster" kept appearing and he mentally conjured images of the worst of crime scenes.
Unable to suppress his thoughts, Percy turned back to Penny. She was now walking around the sparse room and fiddling with a picture frame of him with his brothers and Ginny. Noticing he stopped pacing, she turned her attention back to him.
"Still the same Percy Weasley." She pointed to his muggle university degree on the wall, along with a few smaller, framed certificates of diploma programs. "Overachiever. Attentive big brother. And ministry official?"
Percy nodded slowly.
She matched his nod. "Yes, I had a feeling that dream wouldn't die anytime soon. It's too bad that you weren't able to find work someplace more… interesting. To leave school the head of your class, to continue your education and get – what? A paper-pushing job."
He sighed and sat on the edge of the couch. It's not like I can take her home in her current condition anyways, he reasoned.
Aloud he said, "Well, you're right. There are a lot of meetings to attend and reports to write. But the hours are good and the benefits are better than any privatized wizard business can offer. And besides," he felt a grin spread over his face. "I like it."
Her face softened, and he immediately recognized that she had been baiting him. "Do you really? Oh, Percy! I'm so glad that you haven't changed since Hogwarts!"
She positioned herself next to Percy on the couch, and wrapped one hand around his own.
The redhead felt his face flush. He was never good at coming out to people; thankfully, most of his family and friends saved him the embarrassment by having already guessed he was gay. And considering he was 'out' for quite some time, he was lost for words to explain the truth to Penny. He managed to stammer, "Well. Honestly, Pen, there's a bit more to it-"
Penelope laid her head on his shoulder. She may still be sensible, but her perception as a drunk is way off, he thought. Best make a clean break of things. He pushed her away gently and stood in front of the couch.
"Penny, there's something I have to tell you. I'm-"
"I know, Perce," she exclaimed, her eyes filling with tears. "I feel it, too."
"Wha-"
"When I broke up with you after graduation – well, it was a hard time for all of us. And you seemed so sure about your future but less certain about other things. I'm rambling! Does that even make sense?"
"Of course, but-"
"You know, my brother even thought that you were hiding something from me. Like, another girlfriend or something." She gave a shrill laugh.
"I'd never do that to you, Pen. Because, you see-"
"And to have dated you for three years and – and – and you weren't interested in anything more than holding hands or a quick kiss, and it just seemed that maybe there was something wrong with me."
He bit his bottom lip.
She stared dreamily at him. "But I knew. In my heart, I knew that the love we shared could transcend obstacles and-"
"GAY, Penny. I'm gay."
She stared at him, her mouth slightly open in shock. The ape hands fiddled in her lap. After a moment, she closed her mouth and moved her gaze around the room. "Its not 'happy gay,' is it Percy?"
He stifled a smile and sat down beside her. "No."
"Oh, you're gay." She seemed to mull around the idea.
"Gay," she muttered again, nodding to herself. "Ok."
Penelope still wasn't looking at Percy. After a moment, she muttered in a robotic, low voice, "Gay. Gay. I'm so – so happy that you felt our friendship strong enough to tell me. That you think enough of me to-"
Silence.
Percy moved his arm to hold her, when she pushed him forcefully away.
"YOU ARE GAY?" she yelled at him, eyes blazing. "YOU TOOK ME HOME FROM A PARTY TO TELL ME THAT YOU'RE GAY? WHAT KIND OF CREEP ARE YOU?"
Ah, Penny, ever the intellectual, Percy sighed. "No, no Pen. I thought you were someone else. My date." He grimaced with that last word, and tried to subtly move out of physical range.
"You're gay and – and you're seeing someone?" She sounded doubtful.
He nodded quickly. "Yes. I'm in a serious relationship. I love him very much."
Silence.
Penelope stood up and started to pace the room, lost in her thoughts. It occurred to Percy that it looked somewhat ridiculous, a tall blond woman pacing this small room in an ape costume.
"That's why you live as a muggle."
"Err-" Percy hadn't expected the question. "Yes, it was easier that way. They're more accepting in muggle London than in the wizard world."
"Does he know you live as a muggle?"
The redhead ran his hands through his hair. He didn't want to get into this discussion.
"Yes, he knows."
"But, Perce," she sat on the rocking chair across from the sofa. "Its so much easier to just-"
"Pretend I'm straight?" he smiled. "Yeah, I know. But I knew my family would accept me as I am. No one was surprised when I told them. And I had some great friends that didn't have a problem with my being gay." He looked knowingly at her, as though his last statement needed verification.
She looked down. "Then you have better friends than me, Percy. I'm sorry, but I just don't understand this at all." Though the words were apologetic, her tone was bitter.
He reached out to take her hand and she slapped it away. Confusion and shock had melted, and Penelope's face was filled with anger and disgust.
"Look," he started, his voice rising. Was this woman always this irrational? "I know this isn't what you expected her hear."
She rolled her eyes.
He ignored her. "But I've done the pretend thing. I've dated guys where I've pretended to meet them by chance at bars or sports events. And I've played twenty questions just to find out, in a 'roundabout way, if a guy I liked could like me back. I've walked home with my wand at the ready incase someone was waiting to ambush me for no particular reason other than who I am."
He exhaled deeply, and tried to quiet his voice. "I've had to defend just being who I am one too many times, and it took me awhile to get to a place where I just don't care what anyone thinks."
"But you work for the ministry?"
"Yes, and they don't care who I'm seeing."
"That is the official position, isn't it?" she stated bitterly.
She stared at him with intense anger, and Percy felt his heart begin to beat faster.
She stood, scowling down at him. After a moment, she said quietly, "I-I can't believe I actually thought- you disgust me, Percy Weasley. I'm not wasting any more of my time on you. All those years," she started towards the door, muttering to herself. "All that time wasted on a fag."
The words hung in the air, but they didn't bother Percy as much as he thought they would. He watched her turn the knob on the door and couldn't help the feeling of pride for how far he's come since Hogwarts. He learned long ago that words were only given as much power as you gave them. He also knew that perception was everything; because, despite her harsh words, he was well aware that he had hurt Penny (and that she was still quite drunk).
"Perce – Percy? Is what she saying true?"
A gentle voice spoke from behind him. The redhead slowly turned to face Oliver as he emerged from the hallway. Though he wore boxers and a t-shirt, and pillow creases lined his face, he appeared wide-eyed. And sober, Percy noticed. He could see a faint trace of a smirk behind his seemingly bewildered look.
Penelope turned around. "Oliver!"
Ever the actor, Oliver's face gave way to a mixed look of confusion and anger. "Penelope, what is going on here? Percy's not gay!"
The other man suppressed the urge to roll his eyes.
She nodded profusely, and the redhead was reminded again of how much alcohol she must have consumed. "Yes, he most certainly is! Oliver, you're sharing a flat with a- with a-"
"A queer?" Oliver turned sharply to Percy and widened his eyes. "No, no, I don't believe it. Tell her she's wrong, Perce. You and I go out bar-hoping all the time. This place is booming on a Friday night. We go out, have a couple drinks, get some."
Judging by the look on Penelope's face, she felt similarly disgusted about hearing this information as she did about Percy's sexuality.
Percy gave him a deadpanned expression, and spoke in a monotonous tone. "She's right, Oliver. I'm gay."
"You see that, Oliver? He's fooled you, too!" Penelope sounded triumphant.
The Scot stared at Percy, then threw his arms in the air. He began to walk around the room. It occurred to Percy that he might not get his damage deposit back if people continued to use his living room for pacing.
Finally, he placed his hands on his hips. "Of all the things- Perce, you can find a new roommate in the morning! Honestly, you think you know someone."
He went into the kitchen, then backed-up a bit and pointed a finger at Percy. "And don't you dare try anything tonight! I'll be awake the entire night, and the bedroom door will be locked!"
"Your bedroom is near his?" Penelope squealed, and Percy couldn't help but wonder how it appeared that she was getting more drunk (and dumber) by the minute.
Oliver snapped his fingers at Penny. "You are absolutely right. I'm sleeping on the couch tonight." He turned back to Percy, and gave him a look of disgust. "And I thought you were my friend."
He turned back into the kitchen, and Percy felt envious. He knew Oliver was breaking down in hysterics, and his own fingernails were driven into his thighs as he tried to keep from laughing.
Penelope stared at him for some time, as though trying to figure out what to say. Just when he thought he saw a glimpse of sympathy, she turned around and left the apartment.
Percy let out a long breath. And then – "What the hell was that for, Ol?" he yelled.
Oliver appeared from the kitchen, tears streaming down his face. "Oh, Perce. When you told her, the look on her face was priceless!" He laughter was interspersed with hiccups.
The Scot tried to calm down when he noticed that Percy wasn't laughing as hard. "Hey there. Penny's toasted. She can't understand what you've told her. Think about it. She just confessed that she's still in love with you, and you not only turn her away but tell her that you never really felt anything for her anyways. Oh, and Percy? You held her hand and kissed for three years? What was up with that?"
Percy threw a cushion at Oliver and missed. "What happened to you, anyway?"
"It was getting kind of hot in that costume, so I came home to change. Got a little dizzy. Perce, they must have spiked the punch." The redhead nodded, a dry smile on his face. "So, I managed to crawl into bed to try and sleep it off. Figured you'd think I was home when I didn't come back."
Well, that actually makes sense, Percy thought. He watched Oliver pick up the cushion on the floor and place it back on the couch. He picked up the ape costume head lying on the floor.
"I still can't believe you took home the wrong ape!" he exclaimed, doubly over the couch in laughter. He quickly stood, smothered his grin and looked at his boyfriend with a false, serious-like expression. "I am so insulted! What, I didn't swing from trees well enough for you? I didn't scratch enough under the arms?"
Percy rolled his eyes. "I'm getting sick of all this ape-shit."
"You know," Oliver started, as though he hadn't heard anything. He appraised Percy's costume, running his eyes up and down. "You are my favorite kind of fruit."
Though the redhead wrinkled his nose, he couldn't suppress a grin as he muttered, "My funny valentine."
As he turned towards the hallway, he continued to speak over his shoulder. "Now, Oliver. You're going to want some blankets and pillows for the couch. Do not approach the bedroom area, lest you get too close and succumb to the rays of homosexuality that will indeed permeate any sensibility and control-"
Oliver tackled him from behind.
The End.