A/N: 'You don't do well; losing those you love, do you?' – Camille
*Warning: Contains vague spoilers for S2E8 – Love Is A Devil and also S2E9 – Bound By Blood as the fic wasn't out before this episode aired so a couple of direct quotes may have snuck in there somewhere.
In the aftermath of an insecurity spell, emotions are frayed and all those affected are left fragile. As a high warlock, Magnus is immune to such castings but with tensions running high it's almost as if his fears have been laid bare as well. Alec is caught somewhere in the fallout and for an immortal Magnus is left wondering if this is his Kingdom Come? Or as close as he's likely to get.
Rated T.
Disclaimer: I own nothing that bores any resemblance whatsoever to The Mortal Instruments: Shadowhunters.
Footnote: The following oneshot may not be factually correct as such, mostly because (in this case) sticking to the facts would have ruined the story…so I'll apologise in advance if you're a stickler for that sort of thing.
This Is My Kingdom Come
Magnus can feel the steady pressure building behind his eyes as he pinches the bridge of his nose in an attempt to slow it down. It happens sometimes, when he's allowed his magic to run away from him, even after centuries of casting when magic mixes with too much emotion it still leaves him feeling a little shaky.
It takes him a moment to notice that Maryse has followed him into the room.
Her lips are moving and Magnus tries to shake away the haze that's settled over him to make out her words…although he's fairly sure he's missed a fair bit of whatever speech she's condescended to give him.
"The Clave…will want to thank you, I'm sure," Maryse continued tightly, with the air of someone trying to fill the silence. "For your service."
"I didn't do this for the Clave," Magnus answered blandly, and there's something in Maryse's levelled gaze that suggests she'd known that. "I owe them no loyalty," it's true enough. "But perhaps this is not the time to be having this conversation? It's been a long night."
'How sweet that Alec feels comfortable sharing our personal family stories with you, considering your disparate backgrounds.'
Maryse looks ready to argue the point but when she finally releases the tight hold she's kept on her bravado, it's evident she's just as exhausted as everyone else.
"Perhaps not," she agreed easily and for a moment she looks lighter than Magnus can ever recall seeing her. But soon enough the flicker of something like acceptance slips from her face, replaced by that same pinched expression she usually wore.
"We should be getting back."
It's curtly said and a clear dismissal.
"Of course."
Maryse hesitates at the doorway as if there's more she wants to say and Magnus waits patiently even though his tolerance is starting to run thin…Because he's been around long enough to know when someone is trying to pluck up the courage to speak.
"Alec," her voice drifted softly across the space between them. "He…he's refusing to leave…and angels know he's more stubborn than Isabelle when he wants to be."
It's faint and if you didn't know what you were looking for anyone could have missed it but the plea is there, buried under layers of hardened resolve.
The pain of watching someone you love struggle against demons you aren't able to shield them from.
The sickening realisation that tonight you could have lost them.
And underneath it all, however closely guarded, the maternal instinct to protect her child.
As well as the crushing disappointment that you aren't the one they need to help pick up the pieces.
'You're hurting…badly. You hope the pain here will overpower the pain there. I wish it were that simple.'
"He'll be there tomorrow," Magnus answered smoothly, trying to brush over the moment of honest vulnerability he had seen in the woman. And even if the words aren't exactly what he wants to say they're close enough to the truth to let her know he genuinely cares about her eldest son. "It's Max's big day…and it's rather late."
The way she holds herself before her hand drifts to the door handle suggests she's waiting for something else from him but in the next moment she's out the door, rounding up the remaining Shadowhunters and ushering them from the apartment.
The door clicks behind them and Magnus listens as their footsteps disappeared down the corridor. He ventures out of the room, surveying the aftermath of the evening. Books scattered across the carpets, papers torn from the seams in the midst of the chaos, amongst fallen display cases and shards of broken glass.
Perhaps it was time to redecorate?
He made his way through the wreckage to the lounge where Alec was attempting to straighten another of the fallen bookcases.
"You know I have magic for that."
Alec shoulders the bookcase firmly back into place against the wall, gathering a pile of books from the nearby coffee table. He starts to place the volumes back on the shelf, casting Magnus a fleeting glance over his shoulder.
"I think you've exerted yourself enough for one day," Alec answered, falling back into the familiar pattern of conversation. "Has she gone?"
"Yes."
A brief triumphant look passes over Alec's face, as if he hadn't quite believed Maryse would leave without him and the smile he casts Magnus' way almost makes the warlock forget the hideous events of the evening.
The pressure behind his eyes is still there, although no where near as uncomfortable as it had been but Magnus removes the glamour all the same…because even though tonight hasn't completely wiped him out, the demand to maintain the subtle enchantment is causing his eyes to itch.
He watches Alec as he slips the last volume in his pile into place, the muscles in his shoulder rippling as he stretches for the highest shelf in the cabinet. Alec turns to face him, already scanning the room for something else to fix up, before he notices the mark.
"You're uncomfortable," Magnus observed dryly.
Alec, obviously caught off guard, stumbles over himself trying to make his reassurances.
"That's not it. I just…wasn't expecting it."
Magnus pauses for a moment, takes in Alec's awkward posture as if the other man suddenly isn't sure what he should be doing or how he should look and presses on.
"I can glamour them, if you would prefer?"
"Honestly Magnus," Alec's shoulders have started to relax again and the Shadowhunter is now openly staring at him, something like admiration reflected in his eyes. "It's fine…more than fine."
Alec is conscious of the fact there's probably some etiquette to follow when a warlock displays their mark...his staring would probably be considered rude.
But there's something captivating about the mark that appealed to Alec far more than it probably should have.
'I am who I am and you are who you are and all the magic in the world can't change that. So let's try to make the best of it.'
"They suit you," he added awkwardly, though the genuine compliment is there and when Magnus smiles Alec notices how differently his eyes react to the expression without the glamour.
"Thank you."
'I only share them with my closest friends.'
"So…are you this friendly with everyone?" Alec's muttered lightly, and Magnus' can hear the challenge in his voice. It's a good natured jibe, and one Magnus can't hold against him because on some level he acknowledges that although Alec is willing to make a go of this, the Shadowhunter is still concerned he may be just another drop in the ocean.
Because underneath everything they are, they're both wary of the vulnerability a relationship like this can bring to the surface.
'It's rare that I've ever felt this way about someone.'
"Friends? I had hoped we were more than that?"
Something like relief crosses Alec's face but it's gone before Magnus can be sure.
It's still new and they're both still testing the waters and although things are by no means perfect, it's enough for now. When they're ready to commit to more, to let go of whatever reservations are holding them back, they will and they'll take that step when it comes their way.
But for the moment, although they're both muddling through as best they can, they both worry about being the first to show their hand and if, when they do, it might still be too early. There's a certain amount of fear on both sides that the other could still be lost.
"That sounds good to me."
The lounge is still in disarray and Magnus finds he doesn't have the strength nor the inclination to care. He'd combed the entire apartment to make sure Iris hadn't left any other nasty surprises behind earlier in the evening and when he'd come up empty handed, he found that the overturned chairs and broken book shelves could wait because they'd be easy enough to put right in the morning.
He sits down, making himself comfortable against the nearest overturned armchair and absently gestures for Alec to join him. With a quick flick of his right hand, the thick curtains close across the doors leading to the balcony, blocking the patio and stony ledges from view.
If Alec notices the movement he doesn't comment, but he does sink down next to Magnus, shoulder to shoulder in the dimly lit room.
"How about a drink break? I'm sure that bottle your mother brought round is here somewhere."
"I think I've had enough for tonight," Alec stated blandly, wrapping his fingers gently around Magnus' wrist, fingertips resting over his pulse. It should feel restrictive but Magnus is grateful for the contact. "Besides tomorrow the Clave are going to want a report of what happened with Iris and I'd rather not be hung over for that."
Alec's sense of loyalty is one of the things Magnus admires about the younger man.
There's a maturity in his outlook for a man who, in mundane years had barely lived at all and although Alec may not be as open in his opinions as some other members of the Lightwood family…he was driven and he chose his battles more carefully than many others in his profession.
Because on some level Alexander Lightwood understands that winning every battle is not the same as winning the war.
Magnus is certain that Alec shares the opinion that, although Iris has been turned in, this is far from over and incarceration is of little comfort when faced with the prospect of lasting damage once the dust has settled.
'For almost a century I've closed myself off to feeling anything for anyone. You've unlocked something in me.'
"She's alive because you are."
It's a daring step and Magnus finds statement is out in the open before he's really had chance to form the thought and he absently wonders if, even with such a light touch, the feel of Alec's fingers on his skin might be distracting him.
If Alec was shocked by his words, he doesn't show it and Magnus is suddenly aware that these are dangerous waters.
A life, regardless of whose it may be, held value and he's suddenly terrified what Alec will think of him.
'Alec. There's so much that you don't know about him.'
"I've lived a long life, Alexander," Magnus continued, trying to distance himself from him own fears of rejection because he's confident this will give Alec that small glimmer of hope he's not willing to admit he's waiting for. "And not always by the accords. I've ended lives when there's been a need for it."
Quite a few lives in his time, if he was brutally honest, for varying reasons.
There were times when he'd been offered a choice, where there weren't any reputable pathways left to explore and he'd had to decide what was best, regardless of how ill-qualified or blinded he had been at the time.
When he was younger he'd chosen to end lives, when there had seemed like no other way and he'd come to regret it.
And he bore the guilt as best he could.
Because even if it tore him apart from the inside, his actions had been final and he couldn't repent them now.
But over time, he'd grown into himself and he'd learnt to make better choices.
There would always be those lives he regretted, those that would always cause him some level of pain…but he held them close regardless because the ugly truth of it all was they reminded him to make the better choice.
On some level it kept him human.
Magnus has lived enough lives to know there's a fine line between what makes a man and a monster and yet he finds no shame in admitting that, had Alec fallen from the ledge, he would not have found the strength to send Iris to Idris.
And her death would not have been one Magnus would have come to regret.
"You know," Alec answered softly, his fingers tracing circles absently across Magnus' wrist. "Growing up in the Institute…we've all ended lives when there's been a need for it," his voice is even but there's a darkness to it that resonates more than his words. "There's an expectation that you'll know when to make the call."
"There's an expectation you'll assume responsibility," Magnus echoed lightly, skirting between the lines in this conversation, keenly aware that regardless of the front Alec has put up this evening, he's still fragile…and this was a delicate matter to begin with. "And you have, haven't you? Even though you weren't at fault."
Magnus can feel Alec's slow caress fall away as Alec tucks his hand awkwardly to his side and in that moment he isn't sure whether the other man is going to run from him…if this would be what finally broke him.
'I'm not okay because you're not okay. Alexander you've been to hell and back and you've not stopped for a second, taken a moment for yourself.'
Alec isn't entirely convinced that running isn't the best thing he could do right now, but he chances a look at the warlock's face and the sheer mass of emotion he sees in his golden eyes is enough to keep him firmly in place…he wasn't good at this sort of thing.
'You want to know why I haven't been in a relationship? Because of this. Because…I didn't want to feel like there was something wrong with me because I grew up in an Institute.'
There's so much he wants to say to Magnus, so much he told himself he'd tell him once their relationship had become a constant in his life. Alec had been so determined to shut out everything he was confident he would never have; that now he was actually faced with the idea of loving someone in a way he had never allowed himself to believe he could, he was lost.
'I always knew I couldn't have what I wanted…Until you came along.'
When he opens his mouth to speak, the words that tumble out are nothing like he wants to say. And his heart sinks a little more when he realises he's not strong enough to let go of the brave face he's been wearing ever since he came to on Magnus' balcony.
That even after everything they've been though he can't be vulnerable.
"I don't really know what happened…I wasn't fine but… I hadn't realised things had gone that far."
The words sound hollow to his own ears and he wonders if Magnus will accept them at face value for now. Alec knows, on some level, there's more they both need to say about this evening but if he's honest he's not really feeling up to that conversation right now.
'If you fail to grant time for the things you care about, you'll forget why you're even fighting at all.'
"May I?" Magnus gestured to his arm, and although Alec was thrown by the sudden change, he offered it to him, watching as the other man inspected the darkened runes that marked his skin. "They're beautiful," warm fingers traced down his arm, before settling over a patch of empty flesh. "I have an addition to make. That is, if you don't mind?"
The hesitation is there in Alec's dark gaze, not for long but enough time lapses for Magnus to see he's wary. He can't say he blames him, runes hold significant value to the Shadowhunters and he's well aware the choice of marks that reflect on his partner's skin are ones Alec has singled out.
"Ah…Sure," Alec replied after a spell of tense silence, shaking his head to clear it and untucking his stele from his jean pocket. He turns it over thoughtfully in his hands, once, twice…before seemingly finishing whatever thoughts he'd been battling with and passes it to Magnus. "Have you done this before?"
Magnus clears his throat, golden eyes flicking up from the empty patch of skin to rest on Alec's face.
"Not many Shadowhunters would be willing to allow a warlock to oversee their runes."
"I'm taking that as a no then."
"Fortunately I've had a lot of time on my hands," Magnus reasoned cheerfully, testing the stele in his grip before reaching for Alec's forearm. "More than enough time to practice," he traces the shape just above Alec's skin, careful not to touch him. "But I understand if…"
"No…No, it's alright."
The familiar burn of the stele exploded across Alec's skin, as he watched Magnus gently carve the rune into his arm. The pattern resonated in the warm blue hue Alec had come to associate with Magnus as the warlock poured his magic into the rapidly healing wound, muttering in a language Alec didn't understand.
Soon the sting of the rune was gone and his skin was steadily lacing back together to display the mark.
"Runes consist of old magic," Magnus explained, his eyes trailing the expanse of Alec's arm before facing him. "The one you wear now has gone by many names in it's time and although the Angel Raziel may have given these runes to your people. It's known to me as the Odal – The Elder Futhark."
'I got you something…It's supposed to bring you luck and protection.'
Alec takes a moment to admire the rune Magnus has so expertly crafted into his skin, the healing mark already much darker than any of his existing ones. It's a familiar pattern, one he has seen Izzy wear before but not one he had ever considered marking on himself, because a rune like this was only as strong as the person who created it.
"It's a protection rune."
"With a little something thrown in," Magnus' voice is gentle and when his fingertips light up in a sparkling display of colour, Alec notices without any of the trepidation he'd been expecting, that the rune now ingrained on his skin is alight as well. "It won't fade; not completely at least and it'll offer you a degree of protection…particularly against enchantments and demonic possessions."
Alec knows it's Magnus' way of trying to reach out to him, of trying to fix things that are beyond his control when the warlock isn't used to being one step behind the rest of the Down World. Magnus likes to fix people, to put the pieces back together for people that to others appear completely shattered.
A part of him wonders whether that's what Magnus first saw in him.
Alec doesn't think on it too long because he doesn't like some of the thoughts he has when he does but given how things are changing between them it doesn't take much to shake the thoughts away either.
There are some things no amount of magic can fix and because Magnus isn't able to change the past, he's given Alec hope for the future. The reassurance that it would be much more difficult for any demon to take hold of him again.
"No one blames you, Alexander. You must know that?"
"That never matters," Alec said cautiously, a small, sad smile coming over his face. "Not when you blame yourself."
"Ale…"
"Listen," Alec's voice, with more strength than Magnus has heard from the man in days, abruptly cuts through whatever he'd been about to say. "I appreciate what you're trying to do…but right now I just…what I'm trying to say is there's no quick fix, but you know that already, right? I will be fine…just not yet.
'It may take you a minute but I've seen it up close. You'll blow up the ground you stand on to make something right.'
"Of course."
There's still more they need to say but for now they're content to leave well enough alone because they've both made their point and after the events of the evening neither of them have the energy or the resolve to push things.
"Thank you."
"Well, I don't claim to be an artist but…"
"Not just for the rune."
It's heartfelt and laced with such honest gratitude that Magnus is suddenly uncomfortably reminded of how long it's been since he was this affected by another being. It's been decades since his emotions were this closely entangled with someone else's and if tonight was anything to go by he may always be a little reckless when it came to Alexander Lightwood…particularly if someone were deliberately threatening his life.
It was dangerous; Magnus knew that, to hold someone too close because it gave them not only the power to hurt you but it gave others, whose minds were turned to more sinister inclinations, a way to completely undo you.
'Some day someone will come along who will tear down those walls you've built around your heart. And when that love comes back to you, you must do everything in your power to fight for it.'
Magnus takes some comfort in the knowledge that Alec is far from weak but that doesn't stop him from worrying that, one day, when the Shadowhunter is too preoccupied watching everyone else's back, that something may go wrong.
It's both the beauty and the curse of mortality.
"We're at war."
It's true…things look bleak and there's little point in denying it.
"The Down World has always been at war."
"Even the dark ages couldn't have been this dark," Alec replied hesitantly, voice brimming with an anxiousness that was shared by many others. "This is different."
"Times change," Magnus agreed plaintively. "I suppose it's only apt that evil changes with them. The darkness may be the same but it will always find new ways to reinvent itself."
It's odd, the feeling of foreboding that grips at the edges of your consciousness when you actually take a minute to stop and process the events of the evening.
There's something unsettling in being given half a glimpse of what's to come that the mind will happily fill in the rest of the image, whether it creates a proper picture or not.
"Promise me you'll be careful?" Alec murmured softly, suddenly aware of how quiet the night has grown around them; even the steady hum of Brooklyn traffic seemed to have faded into nothingness through Magnus' thick curtains. "At least until you get your spell book back?"
A smile tugs at the corners of Magnus' lips but he smoothes it away almost as quickly as it appears because he's conscious of the gravity of the situation.
"Aren't I always?"
"No," Alec's voice, although gentle, is cutting. "And that's the problem."
There's no point in arguing, not when they've come this far and Magnus concedes easily, gathering himself from the floor, trying to stretch out the kink that's settled at the base of his spine from leaning awkwardly against the side of the armchair.
"Perhaps we could both stand to be a little more careful? For the time being at least."
It's a loaded statement, one that hints at so many things which have been left unsaid between them.
'Relationships take effort.'
It's a learning curve for both of them because in their own ways they've both kept elements of themselves locked away in an attempt to distance themselves from anything that could possibly be seen as a weakness.
And walls built as thickly as the ones around hearts afraid of loss…of rejection were by no means easy to tear down all at once.
'I know you feel what I feel.'
Magnus' outstretched hand appears in Alec's line of vision interrupting whatever thought he'd been lost in and Alec clasps his hand, allowing the older man to pull him to his feet.
Words that never materialised hang thickly in the air between them because neither are sure whether the other is ready for the next step…
…although the extent to which they're willing to accept responsibility for their own part in pressing for something more plays heavily on them both.
'Emotions are never black and white.'
So for now…what they have is enough.
"Agreed."
Don't want to let you down
But I am hell bound
Though this is all for you
Don't want to hide the truth
Your eyes they shine so bright
I want to save their light
I can't escape this now
Unless you show me how
When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide
Don't get too close
It's dark inside
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide
Lyrics courtesy of Imagine Dragons