Beloved readers,
This will be my first contribution to the wonderful, miraculous, inquiring paper goldmine that is The Quibbler. My father happens to be the publisher but that does not leave me biased in any way. I am writing this with a very specific, non-commercial and important, purpose.
Like everyone of you, I was ecstatic when I was finally able to hold the fivehundred-and-sixteenth edition of The Quibbler in my hands. My dad sure has come a long way. I still remember when he just started. I was nine. I curiously gazed at the magical presses. "What is that, daddy?" I asked.
"This is the most valuable source of information you will ever come accross, my dear Luna" he answered. "Because you can not trust the Daily Prophet. Journalists from the Daily Prophet have double agendas. They are biased. That's why I'm creating this tabloid, for all the people who aren't heard. It's going to be called The Quibbler. And it will tell witches and wizards every scandal they are not supposed to know."
I can still remember my excitement about this like it was yesterday. Well, it is still there. We may get oppressed, our opinions may be erased from the established media. But there is also The Quibbler, and there always will be The Quibbler! Thanks to my father, Xenophilius Lovegood.
My aunt Adora has just left to New Mexico where she will search for baby unicorns to start an unicorn farm here in Britain, and she will give me one of the unicorns for free if it turns out to be lucrative, father says an unicorn can fit into our garden, my aunt knows it was a dream of mine to own an unicorn, and she never succeeded making all her shops at Diagon Alley lucrative- but this time she has found her true destiny. If you want to buy a pet unicorn of your own, the name of her future shop will be 'Your Very Own Unicorn' and it is going to be located opposed to the Junk Shop.
Anyway, when I read last edition of The Quibbler, I was amazed by all the revelations - for example, I never expected there would be enough proof to show for once and for ever that Cornelius Fudge was everything that I already suspected he was, a greedy grabbler. Then I came accross it. I first saw his beautiful face. My first thought upon seeing the photo was: "This seems like a very interesting fellow to get to know. He has undoubtly had a very rough time in Azkaban. I always wondered what Azkaban is like". No, that is not true. My first thought upon seeing his photo was: "That man is attractive". And you have to see that in the context of someone who has never found anyone handsome before except for Arthur Weasley. I sometimes wonder why Arthur Weasley was the first one to defeat Voldemort. People always think it's Harry Potter - no, it was Arthur. He is very disappointed that Harry flaunts with his accomplishment, but because Harry is an orphan, Arthur forgives him. I would forgive him too if I was Arthur. I have met Harry in person, and he is a really nice guy. I would have been able to fall in love with him if it wasn't for the fact that he's already in love with his best friend, Ron.
For the people who have maybe skipped the article I was talking about: it was called "SIRIUS: BLACK AS HE'S PAINTED?". And it is beautiful. It is the best article ever. A literary gem. If you haven't read it already, go read it now. I have seen Sirius Black - I mean Stubby Boardman - on tv, of course, but it was always so vague and you never saw what an amazing gray eyes he has (I saw, however, how he was all starved and long haired, beardy and darkly, raggy clothed and then I already was sort of interested). Apart from the fact that I hadn't seen his eyes, I was also a bit turned off by the fact that he was a murderer. You can't imagine my relief when I read the truth I subconsciously already knew - that Sirius Black was innocent! Because he really is just Stubby Boardman who some sensation-eager people decided to call Sirius Black instead. Do you know what helps if you've got a cold? Chewing on leaves of the Datura Stramonium for fifty minutes. I was asked to insert this advice by Acacia Quacky, author of the book Secret Muggle Advices That Nobody Wanted You To Know About Because They Save You A Lot Of Galleons.
The moment it fully dawned upon me that Stubby was innocent, I cried for three hours. Nobody can possibly even imagine one percent of the undying devotion I harbor for my sweetheart. I do not care that that Doris Purkiss has dated him - he must have had his reasons for it, and I am a very forgiving person. (Mrs Purkiss, if you read this, we can have a drink at the Hog's Head sometime if you want. We can talk about the meaning of life). I have never heard a song from The Hobgoblins, but I am sure I will like their music and will be a great muse or at least light technician for mr. Boardman if he decides to perform again. Personally I think the meaning of life is that you are doomed to live your own live over and over again.
After reading the article, I had no doubt that Stubby will get a full pardon just like Doris says. But I still need to figure out how to win his heart. That's where this column comes into play. And my request to you. I ask everyone who has read my column not to use this Quibbler as fireplace fuel like usual, but instead, to spread it to as much places as possible, so its message will eventually reach my future husband. I know I'm cheating on my real future husband right now, but I hope he doesn't mind because we don't know each other yet.
So, this will not work without your help! Spread the message! The person who can get Stubby Boardman to read this column, gets a two-page full photo of themselves in The Quibbler! Great for impressing future employers!
I LOVE YOU, STUBBY BOARDMAN!
Your eternal number one fan,
Luna Lovegood