Bang..
Remembering the past does get to you after a while. I can see it again. The same dream played over in my head like a broken record. Julia. Waiting for me in the rain..
So why didn't you? Why did you choose to be pursued?
Why..
..did you.. love me?
Her face so tattered and soaked from the rain. Her hand trembling with the gun clutched between her fingers. Of course I do. She was a piece of me I had lost.. She is my other half that I had longed for.. I came because I was in love.. But now you're dead and Vicious is gone so I no longer have any reason to stay and search anymore..
But Faye.. Faye Valentine.. I need a cigarette. That's it. She's like a cigarette. The one you wake up to and take that first drag that completely revitalizes you. That's what I need right about now.. Wait. I was thinking of Julia. And now I'm comparing Faye to a cigarette. I need to quit.. Quit..
Faye.. It was hard for a while to see that she was actually a normal woman. Instead of the rampaging beast I knew so well on the Bebop..
The whole act of love is amusing. I don't believe in some form of painless love. I use to convince myself that it didn't need to hurt. Though that just seems impossible to me now.
Love is not real unless it shares the whole with hate.
..You're always the shy one and I know I'm your shield from the world. It doesn't seem like anything can hurt me anymore. It's better that way sometimes.
Staggering down the shattered stairs he limped, the pound of every heavy step touching the cement echoed through the silent air. Hold up a hand and point a finger.
Myself ten years from now.. that's so far away from me that I can't even begin to imagine.
Am I alone? Or is there a wonderful person next to me?
Speechless, Spike stared at the screen, the can of liquor slowly lowered to rest atop his lap, as the silence and her words rang throughout the ghostly room. Faye..
Her arms fell limp and shoulders sank, placed in the middle of the awkward position she was in. Confronted by a stranger who spoke to her from the past on a screen. An image she couldn't remember. Even though she dug so deep, she couldn't recover the pieces. Even though she knew it was her speaking to herself, she couldn't remember anything..
Well, knowing me, I'm sure I am troubling a lot of different people.
But that's all right. There's no problem.
I will always be cheering you on.
Spike looked over his shoulder, knowing she'd be watching from a distance. Even more silenced by the heartbreak that tore through her shield. The pain she showed by the expression etched across her face. What suddenly happened to the mask she always wore to hide behind? Her gaze didn't budge for a second. Glued to the girl on the television. The close up she tried to study so hard.
And now for a big cheer.. from the bottom of my heart.
Go! Go!
Me, me, me!
Do your best, do your best!
Don't lose, don't lose!
Me, me, me!
Me, me, me!
The pair of emerald oculars moistened; helpless.
( I don't know.. )
Go! Go!
( I can't remember... )
Me, me, me!
Do your best, do your best!
Go! Go!
Me, me, me!
Welling up with tears, she could feel herself falling.
( Is this.. me? )
I am no longer here... But I'm here today, and I'll always be cheering for you right here...
Cheering for you, my only self.
Before the tape reached it's very end, she had already disappeared into her room. Shutting the door slowly, she clicked the lock and leaned back, her body sliding down the smooth surface to rest at the bottom, tucking her knees up under her chin. That was me.. wasn't it..
"Faye?" Spike called out softly, knocking on the door lightly with his knuckles.
"....."
"Hey..?"
"........"
"Fine." He blurted out.
Hesitantly she stood and staggered over to the bed where her body fell to rest upon. Suddenly the door was unlocked and there he stood in the doorway. His slouched posture with his hands buried in the depths of his pockets. Wisps of hair obscured her view, the vision of him blurred slightly from the tears in her eyes. She hadn't moved from her side, her hands dangling off the edge of her bed.
"..Faye.."
"....."
Her gaze shifted to the floor. This wasn't like her. She wasn't about to let her guard down. But she'd sunken so low after seeing that home movie of herself. And so began her desperate search for who she really was, once again. And this time, she'd surely try harder.
"Remembering your past isn't always fun ya' know.. Sometimes it really gets to you.."
"..At lea... at least you know who you are.. not like me... I'm not even sure if that girl was really me.." She pulled her body from its rest and got up again, taking a few steps towards him as he removed his hands from the pockets. Her head hung low, hiding her face from him. He felt splashes of numerous tears fall on his bare toes.
"F..fay- "
"But.. she is me.. right Spike..?" She muttered lowly, sniffs breaking her sentence. She then looked up at him with a tear stained face lined with ugly black gashes of smeared mascara. "..right..?"
Spike brought up a hand to gently rest itself against her wet cheek, looking at her washed out eyes and trembling lips. The ruff texture of his palm soothed by the silk-like feel of her warm flesh. For a moment he felt a feeling of pain serge through his body. He wanted to wash away the strain and the hurt and the worry and the filth from her face. For a split second he wanted to forget everything that meant anything to him and try to make everything all right again for her..
Spike sat down and lit a cigarette, Faye asleep quietly under the sheets. Just then, even so faint, he could hear the words she spoke. "..How do you kill a soul... you take it from the inside..... and eat your way out..." He listened, the cigarette hanging from the edge of his mouth. "..After finding out all the debts that I owed, after running away.. ..you're on the phone dialing the emergency help line, crying, because a bottle of pills rolls empty on the bathroom floor.. you're sad again. A broken china doll and you don't know what to do with yourself anymore. You look in the mirror not knowing who you are. Wishing one day you'd look and finally know. And you need me. You need me.. but I don't know who you are.. I throw my cigarette onto the lawn and I say goodbye to myself and become an ambulance all over again.... Don't lose, don't lose. Me, me, me.. But I have....I.. I lost me.." She burst into another sob, curling up her body in the sheets. Covering her face and hiding in her arms.
The dying cigarette fell from Spikes lips as he practically leaped out of the chair and onto the bed, wrapping his long arms around her body. His head buried against her ruffled hair. He felt her body trembling beneath their embrace, and without warning she spun around in his grip and clutched him tightly, pressing her body against his, causing him to fall backwards and taking her along. It felt like an eternity. It felt as though he'd fallen from the chapel window all over again, but with Faye holding on to him as though she knew she were safer somehow. As though he'd hold her forever in his arms. All the flashes of Julia. Of Vicious. All replaced with her face.
Gazing up at the ceiling, his arms held loosely around her torso as she laid atop him with her head buried in the slope between his neck and shoulder.
"Don't let things get weird.. I want it all to go back to normal.. Don't sit around and feel sorry for me. Don't look at me like I'm some helpless animal.." Faye muttered into his ear.
The edge of his lips curled into a soft grin, moving a hand higher to place itself on her head as he moved his own trying to make eye contact with her. "Let what get weird?"
Humming.. Julia is that you? Did we wake up from that dream..?
"Cleaning you up again off the streets. I'm not a personal servant. I don't even get paid for this.." Sneered a familiar voice.. It's on the tip of my tongue..
Groggily rusted hues fluttered open, though all before them left in a smudge and unable to make out any of the surroundings.
"Oh.. you're awake now.."
Faye..
"Spike, can you talk..?" She asked, leaning over his body. His eyes fixed on her visage covered by strands of hair and the feeling of warm splashes scattering over his face. Another dab of the washcloth to erase the smear of dry blood.
To him every sound felt magnified to a thousand and tore through him like a saw. He cringed trying to shift but that of course failed miserably.
See You Space Cowboy. .