Shepard was tired. Another day, another failed diplomatic attempt, another few million dead while the Galaxy's leaders scrambled to act like they knew what they were doing.

She was heading down to Engineering, to Jacks's old hidy-hole, where she often sat for a bit of peace and quiet, the noise of the engine drowning out her thoughts and worries.

But as she descended the first few stairs, she heard voices drifting up from below. It was... Garrus?

'Why Liara? Why not Shepard?'

Shepard stopped, curious.

'I dunno, Lola's tough, but Doc's got that crazy Lone Wolf shit going for her. You should have seen her on Mars, she just killed these Cerberus goons without even blinking!' Vega's heavily accented voice floated up the stairs.

'Fair enough. She can be pretty terrifying.' Shepard smiled at Garrus' response. Liara's reputation was one of mysterious danger, and she knew the asari liked it that way. 'Go on then, you first.'

'Alright... did you know, that Liara doesn't read books? She just stares at them, until they tell her what she wants to know.'

Shepard's eyes widened, and jaw dropped open. No way!

Garrus and James burst out laughing, their voices carrying up the stairs.

'Drink up scars, that's a good one!'

Must... tell... Liara...

She sped to the elevator.

'EDI! Deck 3, now!'

Yes Shepard.

Damned slow elevator...

The doors opened, and Shepard sped around, running past a surprised group of Operations workers enjoying a late night snack.

'EDI, let me into Liara's room, and patch through the audio from lower engineering!'

As you wish.

She burst into Liara's office. The asari looked up from her terminal, surprised.

'What is the matter Shepard, is something-'

OK big guy, that's pretty impressive, but did you know that a Reaper once tried to indoctrinate Liara? After 5 days of horrific pain and agony, the Reaper died.

Liara's face crumpled into confusion as laughter filled the room, both from the Commander and the speakers.

'That is not true! I am not impervious to indoctrination, and would not even know where to begin in the process of killing a Reaper!'

That's because Reapers don't indoctrinate the Doc. She indoctrinates them.

'Shepard, I am not quite sure where these outrageous rumours are coming from, I certainly am not sure as to the mechanics of indoctrination, and-'

True enough. The Reapers sit around campfires at night, telling each other Liara stories.

Shepard burst out laughing again. This was classic.

'Am I missing something here, Shepard?'

'You mean they don't?' She forced her voice to sound absolutely disappointed.

'Of course not! The very notion is absurd, not to mention-'

I heard that when you first picked up the Doc, she was in an active volcano. It was real nice of you guys to rescue that lava from her.

'The implication being that I would in fact not be harmed by the lava, but it would be harmed by me... Shepard, what is going on? Why are you laughing? If these rumours were to get about, I would generate some form of myth; that I am actually immortal, that I could simply defeat the Reapers by conventional means!'

'Hey, not bad T'Soni! You're getting the hang of it!'

'The hang of what? I do not understand-'

I've seen Liara's keyboard. She does not have a ctrl key; she is always in control.

'That is ridiculous! Garrus knows very well that my keyboard has a-'

Reapers invented the Mass Relays so they could get away from Liara faster.

'But I am only one hundred and-'

In space, Liara can hear you scream.

'There is no atmosphere-'

Liara's crest is made from dead Reaper tentacles.

'That is just untrue, you can-'

Liara once hit a horse with her biotics. Its descendents are known as giraffes.

'I do not even know what a giraffe is!' She wailed. 'Please Shepard, tell me what is going on!'

Shepard could not let her poor lover suffer any more. She drew the asari into a deep embrace, before tightening her grip.

'EDI, open reverse comms.'

James was thoroughly hammered. Garrus knew his old Earth stuff, no question.

'Hey scars, did you know-'

That's enough soldiers!

Mierda...

There was one rule on the Normandy that nobody dared break. Don't insult the Doc.

Liara just heard every word you said, and she isn't happy.

I'm going to die...

You don't want to mess with her. I'll have you know that Liara keeps a trophy Reaper up here in her bedroom. It isn't dead, it's just too scared to move!

A/N: Blame Tayg for this one :-P