Command
I see and hear the man today more clearly in the action that took his life, two parts of a plane falling to earth, and his plea imprinted in my ears, as he takes his last freefall to meet the ground below. His voice has been in my head for over a week, the seconds of comms traffic is replayed again and again, and there is no new enlightenment. He wants me to help and then his voice is silenced.
My dreams are invaded; a detached tail plummets to earth to join the broken cockpit, the true final resting place for the man inside. A fireball makes the journey back from the ground to join the air that I still inhabited, along with my men behind. All looking to me to ensure they don't meet the same fate.
My heart aches, every heart in the formation broke that day. They see a downed plane, they picture the man, and they visualise his family captured in photographs pinned to the side of his bunk. But our mission goes on, we always do our duty, and that duty will inflict the same pain on others.
I picture the men under my command in the mess room in the immediate the aftermath. Each are full of guilt and are secretly counting their blessing that it was not them. I walked amongst them, knowing when to speak or when to lay a hand to a shoulder in silence, sharing that universally accepted gesture, the burden is shared. The empty chair cast its shadow, a looming presence that all see and all refuse to acknowledge at the same time. There will be a time when the chair is filled again, with a life and a light that will run the risk of being extinguished doing its duty. We will not talk about its former inhabitant in front the new.
As I dress for this occasion, it is not just the clothes on my back that have their way of melting into their surroundings and putting on the perfect show. I have perfected a half smile, the serious nod, the anger needed to control a situation. But today I perfect my look with a blank emotionless stare.
The medals I have pinned to my chest are there to remind the people that see them of our valour, our bravery and the country we commit our lives to. Above all, they are a testimony to a lifelong commitment to the men under my command. The last look in the mirror and I allow myself the last ghostly view of the man who trusted me without question and who now lies in a box under the American flag. Today we lay him to rest, but the men who fought with him will never rest, and they will need me to provide an emotionless and heartfelt speech about their comrade before I can ask them to take up the mantle and risk their lives again.
Today we will see beyond the uniform and we will be professional for him. The grief is for his mother, his wife and his two small children. Children who will be left bewildered when a flag is presented in a ceremony to celebrate their father, when all they want to do is cling to their mother and be far away from the oak casket where they are told their brave father lies. The tears are not for us to shed, even though our brother has gone. We are his alternate life, and we have no right amongst these people to allow them to fall.
Later my men will require my presence no more. They will be together, share drinks and memories without the man in command stopping them from truly being themselves. That is when I will call my own family, my two brothers making their own way in the world, brothers who will hear my tone but not question my silence when they ask about my day. They will impart their own joy at their new lives away from home. Lifting my spirits and healing me regardless of the pain I have inflicted on them, just by making my lacklustre call. The younger two will leave my breathless as my ears are filled with their excitement at hearing my voice. This call an unspoken gift to them, there may be a day when I can call them no more. The phone will then be passed to my father and the youngsters will be shooed away, the day will be released to ears that truly understand.
Now I can breathe again, the dreams will fade, and my life will move on. At the termination of the call his words of love fill my ears. Freed, I can once again start to count the days to when I will see them all again.