A/N: This one shot is purely a coping mechanism. This is what I hope will happen before the season finale, because I don't think I like a world where AltLincoln isn't alive (although Joel has said that what happened really did happen, creys). So, spoilers for 4x17. Please review if you read.
A knock on her door startled her out of her reverie. She sat on the couch, still in her formal military dress, hair pulled pack into a neat bun instead of flowing around her shoulders. She didn't move for a minute, not wanting to open the door and see another sympathetic face. She wasn't sure she could handle everyone walking on eggshells around her, or someone else telling her that they were sorry for her loss.
She took a deep breath, pushing back the tears that threatened to fall. She didn't cry when she heard the news, she didn't cry when she emptied his locker, she didn't cry at the burial, and she wasn't about to cry now. She was more angry than sad. Whoever this David Robert Jones was, he had a hand in getting her partner killed, and he was going to regret it.
She pulled open the door, and almost started crying right then when she saw her friend Charlie standing on the other side, dressed as formally as she was, a pained look on his face. "I missed it, I tried to get here, but the flight was delayed, but I came as soon as I heard and-" Olivia cut off his speech and pulled him into a tight hug. She didn't think she had ever been so relieved to see someone before. "I'm so sorry, Liv." He said, his rough voice like music to her ears.
"You want to come in?" She asked, pulling away from him.
He nodded and followed her into her apartment, looking around at what had changed since the last time he had seen her. "No more Frank?" He asked it as a question, but it was more of a statement. All of Frank's things were gone, and the apartment was nearly bare. Liv had never been one for interior decorating, that was her mother's thing. The only thing that Charlie noticed was that some things lying around were definitely Lincoln's.
As if reading his mind, she nodded, "I cleaned out his locker and went to his apartment. He didn't have much of a will, so they were just going to put the stuff in storage somewhere in headquarters…" she shrugged, "I just… I guess I just wanted to keep some stuff."
Charlie nodded, swallowing thickly. "I'm sorry I didn't make it to the funeral… I… I'm sorry you had to go through that by yourself."
Liv looked at the floor, looking anywhere but at him. She knew if she looked at him then she'd lose it. He was her closest friend, and had been her partner for years before he went on his honeymoon, and he had been through it all with her. And with Lincoln, her mind said, and she tensed her jaw. "It's okay. I know you were there in spirit." She mustered a smile, but he saw right through it, like he always did.
"Listen, kiddo, I know you. I know you're going to try this tough act with me, but I want you to know that you don't have to. You shouldn't. It's not healthy. I know how important he was to you, and if you need to… I don't know, let it all out, then I want you to." He sat down on her couch, running a hand through her hair, "God knows I need to. Do you have anything to drink? Something strong."
"Sure." Olivia said, not sure what to do. She wasn't good at comforting people. That had always been Lincoln and Charlie's job. She just wasn't that type, just like she was never the type to cry, or let their work affect her emotions. As she went into the kitchen to get Charlie something to drink, she thought for a horrifying minute that she was really going to cry, and just completely fall apart. She felt it, and she knew that when it finally happened, she was going to be inconsolable. What Charlie had said, about Lincoln being important to her… well, he didn't know the half of it. She suspected that he had an inkling, but since he left, she and Lincoln had become closer than ever, and she was sure that something between them was going to shift.
She had noticed the mood swings he would have when the other Lincoln worked cases with them, and she had seen the jealousy in his eyes when she and the other Lincoln had started to get along really well. She knew she hadn't been imagining it. Of course, now she would never know. She would never know if she was making the entire thing up, and she would never be able to tell him how much he meant to her. That was the part that made her the most angry and upset.
"Liv?" Charlie called her, and she turned her attention back to grabbing a bottle of scotch and a glass from the pantry above her sink. She walked out into the living room, and put the bottle and the glass on the coffee table. "Liv, do you still have a key to Linc's place?"
She took a deep breath as her emotions threatened to surface again, "Uh, yeah. Why?"
"Do you… do you think we could go there? Just for a few minutes. I want to… I just want to look around for a minute."
Liv smiled sympathetically. "Of course, let me get my jacket." She said, and then the two of them were out the door, heading to the one place that might help them feel a little better.
Approaching the front door, Liv and Charlie both slowed their steps, almost stopping in the middle of the hallway. "You don't have to go in with me, if you don't want to." Charlie said, but Olivia shook her head.
"No, I'll go with you… I want to go with you."
She put her key into the lock but found that the door wasn't locked. It was unlatched slightly too, and Liv furrowed her brows as she glanced back at Charlie, who put a hand on her shoulder protectively. "It's open," She whispered, and they both startled when they heard a noise inside.
Forever a Fringe Agent, Charlie pulled a gun out of nowhere, and Liv would have laughed if she didn't also have her gun tucked into her jeans. They pushed open the door slowly, and slipped inside, guns drawn. Charlie motioned for Liv to walk on one side of the hallway while he walked the other side, and put a finger to his lips, silently asking her to keep quiet. The pair crept down the hallway, making sure to barely breathe in case they scared off any intruders. All the lights in the apartment were off, and Liv could still see the boxes she had started to put together in one corner, untouched. Whoever was here wasn't after Lincoln's possessions, and the thought caused a chill to run over her.
Glancing at Charlie, she saw him check the guest bedroom and the bathroom before he gave her the all clear sign. They walked into the kitchen together, only to find it empty. The only room left to check was Lincoln's bedroom.
Liv steeled herself before she crossed the threshold, knowing that she had skipped this room when she was boxing things up on purpose. She didn't want to go in there, seeing all of Lincoln's personal things and smelling his scent all over the place. It was too much for her, especially on the very same day that she had lost him, and she couldn't do it. Now, however, she had to, and she took a deep breath, feeling Charlie's presence behind her.
She turned the corner to the main part of the bedroom quickly, aiming her gun, but she nearly collapsed when she saw a figure sitting on the bed. Her breath was coming quickly, and she was sure she was having a panic attack, and she barely registered Charlie saying her name, saying his name, and asking what the hell was going on.
"No one was supposed to be here…" He said, and Liv lowered her gun, feeling the tears she had been trying so hard to keep at bay streaming down her cheeks. "I… no one was supposed to be here." He repeated, and she didn't say anything, couldn't say anything, she just let the tears flow, not caring who was seeing her like this.
"I… I buried you." She spat, when she finally found her voice, "I gave a eulogy and I threw dirt onto your coffin!" She was angry now, angrier than she could ever remember being, "I haven't been to work in a week because I've been…" She trailed off, not knowing what else to say. She crossed the room in three quick strides and slapped him, not hard, but enough to leave a mark, before she turned to move past Charlie, who was still standing dumbfounded.
"Is someone going to tell me what the hell is going on?" He asked, but Liv was gone before he could get an answer.
Liv hadn't stopped crying since she had walked home from Lincoln's apartment, barely able to process what she had just seen. She had been prepared to shoot an intruder trying to loot Lincoln's place, but she was not prepared for the intruder to be her supposedly dead partner.
She was wrapped up in a blanket on her couch, a blanket that she had taken from Lincoln's apartment, and she couldn't stop crying. It was pathetic, really, but she just couldn't stop. Her phone had been ringing incessantly, and she knew it was probably Charlie checking up on her, but she couldn't move, she could barely see because of all the tears blurring her vision.
She thought he was dead. She thought she had been through all she needed to go through in the last week, but apparently not. She didn't know what was going on. She assumed he was undercover, but she was angry, so angry that he hadn't told her, or found any way to try to tell her that he wasn't dead. She was feeling a mixture of grief and pain and anger, and she didn't know how to fix it.
"Olivia!" She heard Charlie call before she heard him knock on her front door, "Let me in!"
She groaned, wiping away her tears before getting up to open the door. She walked slowly, feeling like her legs were made of rubber, and when she opened the door, Lincoln was there too, with a pained expression on his face that only worsened when he saw her and the state she was in. She nearly slammed the door in their faces, but she knew Charlie must have had a reason for doing this. "What."
"Please, Liv, let me explain." Lincoln said, but Olivia shook her head madly.
"No, no, please don't… I can't do this. I need to sleep, I need to process this, and I can't deal with this right now."
"Liv, you need to hear what he's got to say." Charlie urged, and Olivia gaped at him.
"You saw what it was like for me, and now you're taking his side?"
"Aren't you at least happy that he's alive?"
"Of course I am!"
"Please," Lincoln spoke up, looking like he was about to cry too, "Please let me in. Let me tell you what's going on, let me explain why I couldn't tell you."
"I can't do this."
"Olivia," Lincoln grabbed her hand, forcing her to look into his eyes, and she saw all the pain and regret there, "Please. I need… Well, there are a lot of things I need to say to you."
Charlie told her that he was going to go back to his hotel where Mona was waiting for him and get some rest, but to call if she needed anything. She hugged him fiercely, hoping to gain some of that strength he always seemed to have.
After he left, she and Lincoln went to her living room, where he stopped dead in his tracks, seeing a lot of his things scattered around her apartment. "I had to clean out your place," She offered, seeing his gaze go to the couch, where one of his blankets was. "I… I just wanted something to keep for myself, something to…" she looked at him and nearly started crying again, "… something to keep you close to me." She finished, her voice soft.
The guilt on Lincoln's face was evident as he approached her. "I've been undercover." He swallowed, "Secretary Bishop thinks there's a mole in the FBI working with Nina Sharp, and they wanted to use my death as a cover to see who Broyles would promote in my place."
Olivia balked, "They think Broyles is the mole?"
Lincoln shrugged, "They really have no idea. They wanted to see what would happen inside the Division to see if we really had anything to worry about."
"So they used you. They used all of us."
"Liv, it wasn't like that. They saw an opportunity and they went for it." Lincoln reached for her, but she backed up just out of his reach.
"I don't understand why you couldn't have found a way to tell me. You know I wouldn't have said anything. I would have protected your cover."
"I had no way of contacting you, Liv, they didn't give me an earpiece or anything."
"You could have come here!" Liv knew she shouldn't be this angry at him. The circumstances had been out of his control, but he didn't understand what it had been like for her, thinking he was dead.
"And risk someone seeing me? I don't think so Liv, even you would have yelled at me for doing that."
They were both quiet for a minute, Liv trying to control her anger, and Lincoln trying to read her facial expression and body language. She seemed very closed off, and he didn't know what to do to fix it.
"Do you have any idea what that was like for me?" She spoke quietly, and he didn't think he could stand to see this look on her face much longer. "Do you know what I've been going through?"
"I'm sorry, Liv, I don't know what else to say." It was the truth. He saw her when she opened the door and it was the first time he could ever remember seeing her cry. It unnerved him because he knew that there was a reason for her to be so emotional, and that reason just happened to be him. "I wish I could have told you, I never wanted you to have to go through that."
She took two quick steps closer to him and pointed right in his face. "You're not allowed to ever leave me again, okay? Or else I'll kill you myself."
Lincoln didn't want to smile, he knew it wasn't the right time for it, but he couldn't help it. She seemed to be going back to her normal self, and that's all he wanted for her. He hated that he had hurt her so much, but if anyone was going to undo the damage, it was going to be him. "I'm not going anywhere." He said firmly, wanting her to know that he meant it. Lincoln pulled Liv close and wrapped his arms around her slowly, and he felt her practically collapse into him. His heart clenched when he realized she was crying again. He felt like crying too, if he was honest. "I'm so sorry," he said again, his voice husky.
"I don't ever want to go through that again," she whispered, "That was the hardest thing I've ever had to do."
"I… were my parents there?" Lincoln asked timidly.
Olivia raised her head from his shoulder, "Of course they were." Olivia didn't mention that there weren't many people at the funeral, a fact that still angered her deep down. Lincoln saved the world every day, and even though he wasn't really dead, everyone else thought he was.
She could feel Lincoln's eyes on her, and when she met his eyes, she was greeted with an intensity that she hadn't seen in a long time, not since one night when he had acted on an impulse, a stupid impulse that had led to days of awkwardly avoiding each other. She found herself not really caring about consequences this time though, because she didn't know when she'd have this chance again. "I was really upset, but mostly because there were so many things that I didn't tell you, that I should have told you." She said, rushing through the words in case she chickened out. He stiffened, and she almost lost her nerve, but forced herself to continue on. "We've known each other forever and I just assumed that you knew how I felt, but when they told me you were dead, all I could think was that you were gone forever without knowing that you mean so much to me, Lincoln and -"
Before Olivia could finish, Lincoln was kissing her with desperation that she definitely didn't see coming, but welcomed nonetheless. She reacted in kind, pulling him as close to her as he could get, both of them breaking apart only when oxygen was absolutely necessary. "How did you never see how crazy I am for you?" He whispered, his voice hoarse and breathless, "How could you never see how much I… how much I need you?"
She kissed him again, not quite as desperate as the first time, but still with as much feeling as she could muster up and show him. She loved him, she knew she did, but she wanted him to feel it, she didn't want to just say it. It didn't hold as much weight, somehow. He framed her face in his hands and then one of his hands tangled itself into her hair, and she sighed, feeling utterly content with life at the moment.
"If this is just a dream, I'm going to punch you so hard." She said once they had broken apart, and he laughed incredulously, shaking his head at her.
"I'm not going anywhere."
"I mean it, if something like this comes up again; find a way to tell me. Find some way to let me know that you're okay."
"Liv." He said her name firmly, grabbing her chin and meeting her eyes, his eyes dark with intensity, "There's no place else for me to be." He said, and she felt so comforted by that simple sentence that it actually unnerved her.
A stunning familiarity took over them as their lips met once more, and she melted into his embrace like she had never allowed herself to do so many years ago when he had kissed her first. He had always been the bold one, the one to make the first move in any situation, but now she was going to match him, and make sure that they were always on the same page. She wasn't going to lose him again, there was no question about that.