Title: Truly Only Yours [1/1]
Because it was the closest she could get to her. And for Rachel that was enough. Faberry, sorta.
Disclaimer: I own nothing. The only thing I do own is my imagination of things that will probably never ever happen. Still, a girl can dream.
It started with a kiss.
A kiss that escalated into two then three, which in turn quickly became eight or six or five? Rachel lost count after a while. Not that she was counting or anything. But it was kind of hard to think – or do anything besides kissing – with the way her mind was at the moment, foggy and hazed as it was. It had been this way since the kisses started and she'd never desire the embraces to end even if it did turn her usually brilliant mind into mush. She felt like she was voluntarily diving into a delirium to tell the truth. And she didn't really mind. In fact, Rachel just wanted to live in the moment – this moment. So she kept her eyes closed and just continued on with kissing; the logical part of her brain has long soared off into places unknown.
"–inn," Rachel managed to mutter breathily between kisses.
She wasn't sure where she started and where she ended. And she definitely wasn't sure when the kisses started or how long it's been, but she did know that she wouldn't mind spending the rest of her life doing only this: kissing Quinn.
Then she heard the other girl grunt and her hand twitched slightly at the sound.
Just keep kissing, Rachel thought to herself before clasping her fingers together behind the other girl's neck. But the more Rachel kept her eyes closed the more she couldn't ignore the little, unmistakable things.
The short locks of hair her fingers occasionally brushed the more they lingered around the other girl's neck. The calloused fingers that would once in a while touch her face or tentatively roam her body. And the kiss itself was kind of sloppy and sometimes Rachel wondered whether Quinn really knew what she was doing.
It was all these characteristics and more that reminded Rachel but she ignored them. She just needed to disregard it all and focus only on Quinn. But then there was that grunt again that she just couldn't ignore. And so she opened her eyes.
Just like that the illusion was irrevocably shattered.
Finn. She was kissing Finn. Rachel had suddenly stilled from the shock but the boy didn't seem to notice. He just kept on kissing her. Then Rachel remembered why this was happening and why she was with Finn. She willed her body to relax before responding to the kisses the boy gave her once again.
She wasn't with Quinn (as she'd like) but that was okay. Because being with Finn right now Rachel could easily pretend that it was her that she was with. Because being with Finn was the closest she could ever get to being with Quinn. And for Rachel that was enough.
She ignored the painful ache that began to bloom and spread from deep inside her chest. It was easy to ignore after having felt it for so long. Besides, when she shifted closer to the (somewhat unnaturally) tall boy Rachel could smell the slight scent of lavenders; Quinn liked them and enjoyed the scent of the flowers. And when she touched his lips with her own, Rachel was sure that she could taste a small piece of Quinn as well.
It was easier to pretend than to face the reality of her situation. Quinn would never love her. And Rachel was compelled to forever want what she could never have.
Why would she want Quinn anyways? The girl was cruel, horrible, and a terrible human being that seemed to thrive on the misery and suffering of others. It didn't matter if it was the girl's own doing or from the hands of another, Quinn was always there to laugh especially when it came to the humiliation of Rachel Berry.
Maybe she was a masochist and Quinn a sadist.
Rachel tightened her eyes and tried to pretend once again that it was Quinn she was kissing. That it was Quinn and not the girl's quarterback boyfriend. Rachel's hold on the boy tightened at that thought but again the boy didn't seem to notice; maybe he was as oblivious as everyone says.
Think of Quinn, Rachel muttered in her mind.
And she did. She thought of that smile. That dazzling smile Quinn had once given her so long ago before her face shifted into the cruel, hard mask that's now ever present and recognizable. Rachel almost didn't mind the slushie attacks anymore as it gave her an excuse to ignore the sting in her eyes as a byproduct of the burning chemicals. It wasn't because Quinn never bothered to look beyond the façade that Rachel presented. Although Rachel desperately wished she would. Wished she would see how much Rachel truly loved her even if Quinn seemed to hate her guts; truly cherished her even if (romantically) together they'll never be. And although Rachel would have loved for Quinn to figure her out Rachel also feared it. Because she knew a cold, hard rejection would have been what was left for her and that would have shattered any illusion Rachel set up between her and the girl.
Everyone thought she only longed for the spotlight of the stage; everyone thought she craved that sole attention when in front of a crowd. But really there was something else she desired more than Broadway. Rachel so desperately wanted Quinn to be hers and she only ever wanted her attention. Her smile. Her praises. But all she ever gotten were sneers and jeers, not to mention the amount of slushies purposely (and constantly) hurled towards her direction.
Rachel was quite willing, however, to take Quinn's blunt force attacks because frankly she was willing to take anything from Quinn as long as it was something. And if it was blind rage or disgust then at least it was something Quinn felt strongly about for her. Rachel's heart clenched painfully at that truth. Still, Rachel found this better than being ignored or if her very existence didn't even blip on Quinn's radar. It was nice to be thought of, even if those thoughts were more along the lines of barely disguised disgust and contempt.
Besides, kissing Finn would have been like indirectly kissing Quinn. And she couldn't help but pretend it was the Cheerios captain she was with right now. All her motives lately seemed to involve Quinn one way or another. Her thoughts didn't seem to fare any better as they always reverted back to subjects Quinn-related.
It didn't matter if Quinn would probably forever hate her because Rachel could never change her feelings for the girl. She tried. Many times. Without avail.
Rachel's thoughts on the girl suddenly halted when she felt the boy practically on top of her pull away. Opening her eyes, Rachel spied Finn looking (she admitted guiltily) constipated.
"Did I do something wrong?" she quickly asked. She didn't accidentally whisper the wrong name did she? That would have been mortifying and gut wrenching as that meant Finn would know her deepest, darkest secret.
"N-no. No! Umm, I just gotta go," Finn hurriedly stammered looking all the more distressful.
He shifted about awkwardly before pleading, "Look, please don't tell anybody about this, okay?" Finn didn't wait for an answer or even a confirmation of what he requested of her before walking away and off the stage. He never looked back and never once faltered in his steps.
And that stung more than Rachel thought possible.
In the end Finn had left her, exactly what she'd imagined Quinn would do if she ever confess this secret of hers. But unlike Finn, Quinn would have been less cruel in her rejection. Quinn wouldn't have let her kiss her like Finn did. Quinn never would have let her hope before crushing it into minuscule pieces.
If even Finn didn't want her than what realistic hope did she have that Quinn would ever want her.
And as Rachel sat alone on that empty stage she could feel the irreparable pieces of her heart begin to chip off some more. Rachel could only hope that should Quinn ever (ever) let her in that she still had something left to give to the girl.
Rachel covered her face as she felt the never-ending tears begin to fall once more.
She was stuck with being truly only Quinn's even if the girl didn't want to have anything to do with her.
-End Story-
A/N: Never wrote an angst-ish piece before. Thought I'd give it a try. I don't mind drama, but I admit I kind of suck when I try my hand at it. And yes, this is an alternate scene of Finn and Rachel's first kiss in the episode Showmance.
Also, a warning/notification alert. It might be a while before I update again. There are some things I need to take care of. Nothing too dangerous or life threatening, just things I've been putting off for too long. Darn my procrastinating ways!