A/N: Based on the commercial for Axe Excite. Cracky, not really well written, but it wa just for amusement :] Enjoy.
"Dean! Check out this commercial!"
Sam waved his brother over eagerly, remote in hand and his eyes still locked on the crappy television set that came with the motel room.
"What is it?" Dean grumbled, hobbling over, one shoe on and one off. He was about to go to the bar and drown in his sorrows and self-pity, but maybe he could watch a tiny bit of T.V. before he left.
"It's a cologne commercial. Check out the angels!"
The commercial was for the new Axe scent, Excite. The commercial was nearly ending, but Dean got the gist. Sexy angels would fall from Heaven and make sweet love to you if you used it. Well, not really, of course. The point the commercial made was that it smelled so good, even angels would fall.
"That sounds great. Think it actually works?" Sam asked, getting up and stretching as another commercial came on.
"Yeah I doubt the stick-up-their-asses angels are going to flap down here for some cheap chemicals."
Sam turned the set off, moving towards the bathroom to take a shower.
"Okay, Dean. But wouldn't it be great if it worked?"
"Yeah, great," he said to himself as Sam shut the bathroom door.
Dean hesitated into the room, still wearing only one shoe, before he made an abrupt change of plans.
"No one is judging me, no one is judging me," he chanted to himself while in line at the mall.
It had been so long since he had actually been in a mall, so it was hard to navigate at first. The lights were extremely bright, everyone was painfully loud, and it took him almost two hours to find the stupid counter for cologne, which was surrounded by elderly women inspecting the neighboring perfume display.
"Excuse me," he mumbled to them, though he doubted they could even hear him over their own ramblings.
After finding the Axe line, he studied them until locating Excite. The tester was almost empty, but there were certainly no angels nearby.
He took a tentative sniff and drew away, making a disgusted noise from the back of his throat.
"Who would buy this crap?" he asked aloud.
He studied the bottle, thinking of the ridiculous commercial. That stupid, inaccurate commercial.
"I would," he conceded, walking away hastily with the nearest box. He did his best to conceal it in some form until he got to the checkout counter, where a few teenage girls were clutching bikinis and giggling.
One of them looked him up and down, smirking as she noticed what he meant to purchase.
"I love that cologne. I make my boyfriend wear it all the time, even though he hates it."
"Yeah it..uh…it stinks pretty bad," Dean replied, looking away. He might as well be one of them; a teenage girl timidly making a move on her crush.
"Your girl like it, then?" the other asked nosily.
'How did I ever put up with girls when I was that age?' Dean thought.
"Oh yeah. Loves it."
Hopefully.
He made it out of the mall with no further harassment, but the whole time he was rushing to his car. He felt as if people were staring at him, judging him.
Of course, they more than likely had no idea that angels really existed and Dean had a crush on one. A man crush of course, because Dean was still a man. Just because the person he was obsessing over to a sickening extent had a dick while he was on Earth meant nothing.
At least, that's what he told himself.
He didn't plan to actually use the cologne for a long time, of course. But as he arrived back at the motel and found Sam gone, leaving him a note saying he had gone to the local bar, he thought why the hell not?
For some reason, he began to feel self-conscious, something that didn't really happen often.
He ruffled his hair, checked his breath, and straightened the collar of his shirt. Still, he felt sloppy somehow, so he jumped in the shower, using Sam's shampoo and body wash because right then, he really needed it more than Sam.
Once out, he adjusted his clothes so that they hung just right in a casually perfect way, and he made sure his skin smelled impeccable, in case Cas didn't like the scent of Excite. The room seemed far too quiet, so he turned the T.V. back on while he finished perfecting his physical appearance.
"New Axe: Excite. Even angels will fall," the T.V. announced randomly at one point.
"Damn right, they will," Dean muttered, undoing the top button of his shirt and then another when he realized it didn't look sexy enough.
"Dean Winchester, you are a girl," he told his reflection, then went to sit on the bed. He studied the bottle once more before spraying it, just as they had on the commercial. Only a moment had passed before his face heated up and the feeling of embarrassment crept upon him.
"A stupid girl," he said out loud.
He moved to get it when the giant…something…landed on him, throwing him on his back with its weight.
"Dean?"
Castiel regarded him with shock, but made no effort to move off of his chest.
"Castiel?" Dean asked, stunned. "It actually worked? I mean…how did you get here?"
Castiel cocked his head to one side, eyes narrowed with worry.
"I…I'm not sure. I apologize."
"I was hoping you would stop by," Dean admitted, making no move to usher Castiel off of him.
"Really?"
"Uh. Yeah. We haven't really been talking lately, and I guess couples should talk. If that's what we are, I mean. A couple. Or friends that sometimes kiss. Or…okay, you talk."
Castiel's head had slowly titled throughout the babbling, until he was almost looking at Dean sideways.
"Dean, you should have said so. I would have visited more. You didn't have to resort to witchcraft."
"Oh, it wasn't witchcraft. I don't think," Dean said, sitting up so that his face and Castiel's were tantalizingly close.
"It was, actually-"
He was interrupted by the door opening and Sam walking in, staring at his phone with narrowed eyes.
"Hey Dean, I think we got a hunt up in Minnesota. Why don't we pack up and-"
He looked up, blinked twice, opened and closed his mouth, then took a step back. It was hard to do much else when you walked in on Castiel straddling your brother with his usual stoic frown and said brother staring with a horrified expression.
"Soooo…." He managed at last. "The cologne worked. Aaaaaand I'm going back to the bar. All night."
He spun around and slammed the door behind him. Dean thought that the poor kid would run the full length back to the bar, mentally scarred.
"Cologne?" Castiel asked curiously, his stare becoming more intense. "Dean, is that a codename for witchcraft?"
"No, no, no! It's like…an artificial scent. It's supposed to be pleasing. And this one in particular advertised that it could make angels fall, and I thought it was joking…but obviously not."
"It must be eliminated," Castiel hissed, springing up and looking around as if the cologne were about to personally unleash an assault on him. He pulled out his blade, ready to strike at the nearest disturbance. The action was almost comical to Dean, since he knew there was no real threat.
"Cas. Can we have some us time? Then you destroy the stupid bottle?" He opened up his arms, raising his eyebrows suggestively.
Castiel lowered his hand and his blade indecisively.
"Alright, Dean. We engage in your activities. Then I destroy the cologne."
"…..right."