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My name is Catarina Valentine, I'm 17 years old and I'm not who you think I am.
I stood beside Jade's Black Car and waited for her to emerge from school, I leaned back against the car watching the traffic go by on the other side of our schools hedge- I really couldn't see much at all, the hedge is so tall, green, thick and leafy- at least I could hear the cars on the other side. But I wasn't really paying attention to the cars- or anything else for that matter.
"Cat…Cat, Hello Cat; if you don't want to walk home I suggest you get in the car." I snapped back to reality to see Jade walking round the car and opening her door. Quickly, I opened my door and sat down.
"Nice to see that your actually ALIVE Cat." Jade commented sarcastically and raised her eyebrows at me as she pulled out of the Hollywood Arts car park.
"Mmm" I murmured, looking down at my horrifyingly pink frilly skirt and wishing that I didn't have to put on this dumb façade all the time. I hated pretending to be all carefree and happy not to mention being completely dumb. I suppose pretending to be something you're not ruins the whole point of having a personality and being you, but somehow that didn't stop me from making 'Cat' even stupider and more childish than before. It used to be fun to think of strange things to say at school every day, but now it just seemed completely pointless.
"Thanks Jade, I'll see you tomorrow" I gave my best friend a hug before hopping out of the car.
"Wait… Cat, are you ok?" Jade asked, showing a lot more concern than I thought was possible for Jade.
I giggled nervously wondering what on earth I could say, and 'yep' was the only thing that came to mind, so I said it. "Bye Jade, see you tomorrow" I called back over my shoulder as I ran up my drive to my front door. I dumped my bag by the kitchen table before going to find myself some orange juice.
"Catie! Your home." I turned, smiling to see my older brother Luke standing in the kitchen door way. "How was your day?" he questioned while giving me a hug.
"Tiring, as usual" I replied, "Orange juice?" I poured myself some and waited for an answer.
"No thanks" he shook his head and we both went to sit at the table. "You know you don't have to be 'Crazy Cat' all the time." He stated, putting air quotes around crazy Cat- that hurt a little.
"I'm not 'crazy'" I protested.
"Not in that way, I didn't mean it like that. I only meant that you could just go back to being your self- the way you are when you're with me."
"Yep, I'll just go to school tomorrow as a totally normal Person. That would totally work! People would think I've gone crazier than they already think I am!" I picked up my bag and went to my room to have a VERY long think.
Thankfully my room is blue. Just plain blue. NOT pink. Luke helped me paint it two years ago after I started putting on the Cat act for fun. We had heaps of fun transforming the spare bedroom in to 'Cat's Room' and making crazy videos for the slap, since our parents weren't ever home, there was no one to complain about the lack of 'spare room' for guests. And neither Luke nor I had many guests. Sometimes I wish my parents had been there to complain about it, to scold us and love us, to actually be our parents. But they weren't. And over the years I suppose I'd learnt to accept that. I wasn't like the other kids at school; they all had parents to pick them up and drop them off, to come to the Easter and Christmas celebrations, the fathers and mother's day things. Luke did his best to come to what he could, but through most of my early elementary school years Luke had to go to school too. By the time I was older I had learnt to brush it off or make up some extravagant, romantic story as to where they had gone. And even when they were home I never saw them, they were always working, coming home late, attending meetings. Then they'd scurry right back to New York. Where their main jobs were.
Jade had always been there for me, her family was pretty destructive to, Luke got his diving permit as early as possible in order to be able to take us places. He was a wonderful big brother. Sometimes Jade and I would pretend we were twins, we both had brown hair and Jades eyes could look quite brown sometimes.
When we went out people would say to Luke "are these your little sisters? They are so cute! You are a very good big brother looking after them!" Luke would smile and nod, much too Jade and my delight. He was very obliging really, being our dragon, knight or handsome prince for our games. I honestly couldn't imagine life without him. When Jade and I were 9 Jades little brother Josh came along, sometimes Jades Mom was very dotting, loving Josh to bitts then suddenly she'd leave, and Jade would have to take care of him. We're not actually sure who Joshes father is, but I don't think Josh cares, when he was little and drew pictures of his family there was always Jade, Cat and Luke standing next to Josh and depending on the day sometimes his Mom might not be in the picture. It was so sad, but I think Josh is happy not to have a father who is always drunk, so now I have 2 brothers and a sister, we didn't need any parents because parents are useless.
Knock- knock… "Catie, can I come in?" Luke asked softly.
"…Yes" I responded, sitting up as he walked in.
"I didn't mean to… hurt your feelings… back there. I just… hate to see you so tired and hurt when you come home, I want my little sister back, the one that didn't care what people thought, and dyed her hair bright red just to prove that. Catie…" he took my hands in his "I want EVERYONE to see that, because you're amazing."
It took a LONG time for Luke's words to sink in, and I was only later that night when I was lying in bed that I was really prepared to think about my day and all that had happened. Cat had become my protection from the world, when Cat was there Catie didn't get hurt, Cat was insulted, not Catie, Cat played the strange silly roles in plays, not Catie. If Cat was gone how could I protect myself? People would see Catie for who she was. Did I want that? I don't know, it left Catie with no armor for the bullets of bounce off, I couldn't have that, it would hurt too much, wouldn't it?
Then again maybe I could try Catie out, just a little. Maybe I could dress the way Catie wanted to dress tomorrow; Cat WOULDN'T have any say in the matter. No pink, no frills, no sparkle. Just nice, normal clothes. Could I do that, would I dare?
I could see that my friends were changing Just as much as I had over the past few years, Tori wasn't the slightest bit nervous about her Talent or about performing, like she had been when she came to Hollywood Arts. That would be a good thing except that sometimes it seemed like she expected to get the Lead role in every play, get an A+ on every song and generally be treated like she was the best.
Even Andre seemed to think he was the best and always deserved top marks, he didn't seem to care anymore, or try, and he knew he was good so he just wrote a song the night before it was due.
Beck was so closed, he didn't show much emotion- even after he and Jade broke up, it was like he couldn't show that it hurt, he didn't tell us much anymore, and when he did it was all so general.
Jade was meaner than ever, scaring people so much that they often ran away in fright. She wasn't the fun, strange Jade that I'd known for so long, she didn't even act nice to me anymore, wasn't I her best friend?
And Robbie, the only one that seemed to see right past my Façade. I know he REALLY likes me, and I really like him, but I'm so scared. Having a boyfriend… that would almost make me normal. Did I want to feel normal? I didn't know. So every day I go to school and TRY to keep Robbie friend zoned, but it's starting not to work, I can't convince myself anymore that it's the right thing to do.
I wish things would go back to the way they were, when Jade and I were sisters and we told each other everything, where boyfriends weren't important, boys were just friends. Why did we have to grow up? Why did things change? Couldn't we stay 11 forever?
The thoughts, they were clouding up my head, being 17 was so hard, you weren't a child, and you weren't an adult. I had to make decisions and except things, I wasn't ready for that! Eventually I fell into an exhausted sleep.