They say a confrontation starts with a push, then a shove. But sometimes it starts with a shove. And other times, it starts with a kiss. One would wonder, what hurts the most? A pair of strong hands, hands that you know better than your own, grabbing painfully, shoving and bruising their loved one? Or the sweetest, tender lips, laced with the poison of a viper? This particular time, it had started with a kiss, soft and loving, but the warmth of that kiss died slowly over the years, snuffed out by jealousy and anger. What should have been proud admiration was nothing but bitter hatred and loneliness brought on by self-isolation, until even that faded away leaving something far worse…nothing. A pit; dark and cold, irreparable. And now, here in the grand golden halls that they had called "home" together, two brothers stood apart, both waiting for the other to move, or for the walls to come down around them.
No, I can't take one more step towards you
'Cause all that's waiting is regret
Thor shuffled his feet, slowly taking a step toward Loki, who reacted by taking three steps back, keeping his iridescent eyes locked on Thor's, a dark shadow crossing his pale features. Loki shook his head, and if Thor hadn't been looking he wouldn't have even seen the motion. The look in those green eyes was one he'd seen before, a rare display of emotion these days, but he understood the pain, because he felt it too. A regret that ate at them both, but Thor would do anything to stop that regret from eating him alive, anything to take it away, to repent. Loki's pride would choke him first before he ever admitted his regret, let alone apologize. Thor sighed, defeated, and his brow pulled down in sorrow. He lifted his hand, as if to reach for Loki, but then dropped it, not really knowing what to say.
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most
Thor dropped his head to stare at his feet as he finally spoke,
"You know I cannot continue to chase you like a shadow, Loki." He looked up, meeting those eyes again and a pain stabbed through his chest, "Just tell me one thing…" Thor whispered, "Why? Why have you done this to me?"
I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time
A fire ignited behind Loki's eyes: fury.
"I have done nothing to you!" he spat in an angry whisper, "You selfish pig! It's always about you, isn't it?" Thor's face fell further as another lance of pain went through his heart and he desperately wished to take back his words.
"That is not what I meant…" he whispered mournfully, to weakened by this pain to raise his voice.
Loki pointed his finger in angry accusation,
"You are the one who left me alone! You choose your "friends" over me!" he jabbed his finger into his own chest. "Who did I have? No one!"
And who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
Thor felt his anger slowly begin as confusion twisted his brow.
"Loki, that was by your own choice! You locked yourself away in your room or your tower and never let anyone in. Whenever I came knocking you would yell at me to go away! So I left you be." A thought occurred to Thor and his face softened, "Was that my mistake? Should I have knocked longer? Should I have forced you to come out into the world? Do you feel that I didn't love you because I left you like you told me to?" Thor waited for an answer but Loki only watched him with a face of stone.
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?"It wasn't just that." Loki answered, "You…lived like every day was a victory; women, wine, and constant celebrations. While I lived…barely alive. Every night I watched you go to bed with a different woman, always someone to warm your bed, to wake up to." Thor watched the light fade from Loki's eyes as he spoke and that startling green turned pale grey, "And always friends to spend your days with…you were never alone." He finished softly, void of the previous emotion.
I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
Thor couldn't stop himself from moving closer to Loki, putting out his arms, as if he could sweep that frail man into his arms and crush happiness into him with one hug.
"Brother, I always searched for you, to invite you to come with me and my friends. Or to feast with us. Anything! I wanted you there! I always wanted you there. With me." Loki's eyes were watching the marble floor, "My days were always happier when you were in them." Thor cupped his massive hands against his chest, like cradling a baby bird, "All my fondest memories…" he waited till Loki brought his gaze up from the floor, "...are with you." He smiled through his tears, hoping, pleading that this would get through to Loki somehow. Loki looked wary. Thor gripped Mjӧlnir and roughly pulled her from his belt, he held her out to his side by the lope in the end of her handle, and then he dropped her. She hit the floor with one solid sound, like an anvil, and it reverberated down the halls. When silence settled once more, Thor dared to put his arms out, inviting Loki to forget all of this.
"You are my one true companion…" Thor held his smile, pouring all the love he could from his eyes, "Brother, please." He begged, and was instantly reminded of all the time's Loki had used those same words.
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms
I've learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time
Loki shook his head slowly and Thor's smile fell steadily back into a frown. Stubbornly he kept his arms open, still begging.
"You have already replaced me." Loki spoke so soft Thor had to strain to hear him, "And I have learned to live on my own." He locked his eyes with Thor's again, and the cold look that Thor saw there caused him to drop his arms heavily. "I do not need you anymore. I am stronger now." Loki declared this with the voice of a soulless man.
And who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?
Thor's mouth was agape.
"Stronger?" he questioned with astonishment, "Loki, look at yourself! You are not strong! You are dead! Dead inside." he gestured to Loki with an agitated sweep of his hand, "That is not strength, Brother! That is just…" he shook his head for a minute before sighing, "…heartbreaking." His voice cracked and he swallowed the lump in his throat. Loki's face held no reaction and it terrified Thor to see that he looked like a corpse. So pale, with wide sunken eyes, and his black hair only made him look more grey and sallow. With smooth skin, like granite, and no expression to shape his face he truly looked like a statue, and Thor hated it. He'd rather see Loki screaming, angry, furious, or crying, than to see this…this nothingness, he'd give anything, to see anything in those eyes that used to hold such beauty.
Dear, it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how you put back the light in my eyes
Loki could recall all the wonderful times he'd had with Thor, growing up together, and learning together. He could remember how it felt to be young, to be happy. And if he wanted, he could even remember warmth, love. He wanted to feel that again, right now, standing before Thor – By the Norns! - he wanted to feel it so badly. But despite himself, there was nothing, no matter how long he searched or how hard he tried; there was nothing there, where he knew something should be. He had become accustomed to this emptiness, and thus it no longer bothered him. He felt alright on most days, days when Thor wasn't around. It was always this obnoxious young man that stirred him from his routine reverie. He had hoped to be rid of this blemish on his life by now. This constant pest, always coming around with his speeches of family and vows of love; where was that love when Loki had needed it? Loki's face suddenly twisted into something furious and ugly and tears began to burn his eyes. Damn, he thought, and there it is. Just when he thought there was no more pain to hurt or bother him something wicked turned it's blade in his side and a familiar rage heated his blood.
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
'Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back!
Thor was mere inches from Loki now, and Loki relished the look of surprise in those blue eyes when he began to growl.
"No." Loki hissed, "I will never come back to you. What I am is your fault." Thor clenched his fists and his entire frame became tensed, like a bow. "Your "love" was never enough, nor will it ever be. It has done nothing but cause me pain because you were never there to give it when I needed it most. You never opened your eyes to see when I needed you. Oh sure, after I start subjugating planets and committing genocide you think…" Loki cocked his head to one side and placed his finger upon his chin in mock contemplation, "Hmm…maybe Loki isn't as ok as I thought he was." He mocked Thor's voice and then glared at the blond man. "Far too little…far too late." He gnashed his teeth furiously.
And who do you think you are?
Runnin' 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
Thor's nostrils flared and he exhaled heavily,
"How am I to be tender and loving to a viper?" he shouted in frustration, "What was I to do when all you ever did was bite my hand off? How long do you think you can treat a person like that before they quit trying, Loki?" They glared at each other for what felt like forever. Thor took a deep breath and backed away, "I don't even know you anymore." He shook his head, "You are not the same person that I grew up with, that I loved so dearly." A heavy sadness settled on him again and his shoulders slumped from the weight, "You are not my brother." He whispered.
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all!
"No…" Loki replied, "…I never was." There was an old venom on his tongue when he spoke. Thor's mourning was shattered into rage when he heard those words. His eyes flew up to meet green eyes that were laughing at him, taunting the wound that they had caused at the start of this war. Suddenly Mjӧlnir was in his hand and he screamed, charging blindly. What he had tried so hard to avoid, was always the same outcome of every conversation he tried to have with Loki these days. He hated fighting, hated hurting the people that he loved. But it seemed that Loki understood nothing else. This was all they had left, without it there would be no reason to see each other or be in each other's lives. They would beat each other bloody, tear each other apart, with both words and weapons; and yet, Thor would smile to see fire in Loki's eyes, anger on his face. At least there was still something inside him, and if this was the only way to keep that something alive, then maybe that made it ok.