February 18th, 2011
To My Darling Daughter;
I write this letter to you because I feel as though you are sat right beside me, and I want you to read and see how much I love you and miss you. You are my world, my baby girl. I wish that I could hug you, but I want you to know that in my mind I hug you every moment I can. I wish I never had to let go of you. I wish that you were here with me, in my arms with that beautiful smile of yours etched upon your cute face.
As you know I was in Ohio last month, I know that you know because I could feel you there with me my darling. I saw you in my mind; getting excited about the Tinkerbell toys in the store, hugging your grandmother, playing games with your auntie and your uncles, and going down the hill in my lap on the sledge in the snow – I remember how much you love the snow. When I told you about your Grandma, I remember how happy you were to know that you have a Grandma. I know that you would have loved her to bits, and that she would have loved you too. She looked after your bracelet for a little while, I know you were with her then, just as you are with me now. I don't even need to close my eyes to feel your arms around me as mine are around yours. I can see you in my mind's eye all the time. Your beautiful smile. Your sparkling eyes. Your curly hair. Your cute little laugh. I love you my baby girl.
My precious angel, I miss you so much. I could feel you in my arms from the moment I woke up today, I did not want to get out of bed at all! I wanted to lay there in the quiet with you in my arms and keep you safe. I pray for you every night, and ask God to make sure you are okay for me, I want to know that you are safe and loved up there. I bet your happy with your feathered wings, you truly are MY angel. I hope that they let you have the little sparkles on your wings like you always wanted.
I have sweets, I wish you could share them with me like you used to. I loved watching Tinkerbell with you and us eating sweets, and chips! I loved how you would laugh and smile at the movie, curled up in my lap. I still feel the softness of your hair as you curled up to me, and the sound of your voice as you would tell me all about the movie. I miss the sound of your laughter and sight of your smile, the smile that gets me through every day, and never fails to make me grin.
I wish that I could have kept you with me forever my little princess, to make your dreams come true. I wish I could have taken you to Disney World just like I promise you, so that we could meet Tinkerbell together. I know how much you loved the magic of fairies, and princesses and wish so much to have been able to take you there.
I truly wish I had taken more photos of you, I thought we had all the time in the world to be together. I promise you my baby girl as soon as I get to Heaven, I'm going to come find you and I am never ever going to let go of you again, I promise you with all my heart.
I know that we won't be able to curl up together and watch the new movies, or hear new songs together, or eat the new sweets together or anything of the sorts although I do know that you will be with me in spirit but no body can take our memories from us.
I hope that you know that I always wanted you my baby girl, I always wanted to keep you with me, to ensure that you are happy, healthy and safe. I always wanted you to be mine by blood, but never ever doubt my darling that you are mine by heart, just as I am your grandmothers by heart. You are my daughter, my darling daughter and no one will ever stop me feeling that way. I would give everything to have you with me, for you to be mine.
In Ohio I could see the stars in the sky, and I knew in my heart that you were dancing among them, smiling happily. I know how much you loved stars, just like me. I bet you like the stars being that close to you, they must be like nightlights for you, my baby girl. I wish I knew who else was with you my darling, and that I could protect you, but I know that you are in good hands, I have trust in God that she will look after you my princess, as well as the angels.
You are my world and always will be, we will be together again my princess. One day you will be back in my arms again, and you will get to meet your grandma and everyone. I know that you will be looked after there whilst I cannot be with you, but I also know that I cannot wait to have you back in my arms again my baby girl.
When I heard that I would never see your face again, or hug you or be with you it felt as though my whole world crashed down around me. I thought I was seeing things, I hoped that I would wake from the nightmare and find you fast asleep in my arms dreaming of princesses and pirates – just like you used to my darling. One day everything will be perfect, I will have you in my arms and we will all be together.
I am so honoured and lucky to be able to call you my daughter, and so glad I had you in my life. You taught me to love, and I am so grateful to you for that. You opened my heart to so many feelings that I could not feel before I met you, or at least not consciously.
I love you with all my heart; you will always be considered my first-born child, even though I did not have the honour to do such a thing.
I miss you so much, as you know. I do wish you did not have to see these tears, but the feel of your arms around me is making me so happy, and making me smile.
All my love
Forever and Always
Mommy
P.S. Please behave up there for Mommy, I shall be with you before you know it my darling child.
XoXo