A/N Sad songfic, just something I had to get out of my system, so sorry if it's too dark, but hey, I got rid of it ;-) Song by Dido, "Coming home"

If you like it, please review, maybe I'll continue… (and it won't be so angsty, I promise! I already have an idea in my mind, maybe Syd isn't as 'gone' as Gage thinks she is!)

He feels her smile when he's afraid --
it reminds him of his life before she went away
He might crumble, but he'll not fall
if the memory of his only love can stay that way

Wiping the slowly falling tears from his face, Francis Gage turned of the shower and stepped out. Looking back at the new hole in the wall, he felt a little relieved. That's probably why he had so many fights lately...

Standing in front of the foggy mirror, he suddenly thought he saw her softly smiling face. But after wiping the dampness out of the way, he only saw his own hollow eyes and greyish features. Even he could see he looked like hell. After letting out a deep sigh he started to get ready for work. 'Work…' It wasn't the same without her. Three months and two days had gone by since he had last seen her, walking out their front door, waving goodbye to him. If only he hadn't been on leave that day, if only he had been there to protect her, if only…

He didn't even have to try, the memory of that day was just underneath the surface, waiting for him to go to sleep so it could haunt him in his dreams. But although he hated those dreams, they also were a blessing. It was the only way to see her again, to touch her, to love her. Only in his dreams…

In his dreams, they were happy. There were kids, one boy and one girl. There were dreams were they would go out and have fun, there were also dreams were they spent all day in bed, while the kids were at Walkers. And he could feel their love, like it was a fragile object you could hold in the palm of your hand, where it shone so brightly that it warmed everyone's hearts.

But there were other dreams. Dreams were he saw everything happening again. Dreams were she was falling, she was falling and he couldn't get to her. She was reaching towards him, but he was frozen. The blood on her shirt was always there, the stain spreading more and more every time the dream came. And while she was slowly falling, there was another sound. At first he didn't know who it belonged to. But after a while the sound became stronger and he recognized it as a crying baby. Usually that was the moment when he awoke with a scream dying from his lips. ´The baby…

Still has his dreams, they will get him through
till his life means something more than to lose
Cause he's still wondering when she's coming home
and he'll tell her what he's done today
He doesn't want to lose this memory
of the only part of life to him that's safe

That night, after coming home from another day of forcing smiles and acting normal, he plopped down on the couch and opened the first of, what would probably be, many beers. He had found that to be the only way to sleep well at night. Sipping on his first one, he started talking:

"So, Alex told us the news today. You probably already knew, but she is pregnant again. Told me she wanted to name the baby after you if it is going to be a girl. I actually managed to crack a smile at that one… Think about it, another Sydney on this world. Walker and Alex don't even know what they are getting themselves in to."

He chuckled at that, the laugh slowly becoming a sob.

"You know, if I listen hard enough, I actually hear the key turning in the door. And I can almost see you coming in.

By the way, Trivette caught that drug dealer I told you about last night. Yeah, got himself knocked on the head too. Walker and I made fun of that all day. You should have been there Shorty, you would have cracked one or two yourself."

Opening his third beer, he sighed deeply. Rubbing his sore knuckles, he continued:

"I got into a fight today, again. I know what you are going to say and I'm sorry. I really am, but you should have heard what the guy said. Remember the dirty cop we busted about a year ago? He got out last week and well, let's just say he learned a lot from prison…So I had to arrest him again. That was fairly easy. God Syd, even Trivette with his 'bump from hell' could have done it with his eyes closed. But I freaked. I took him down and almost had him in cuffs, when he started talking. You know I have a tough skin, but the things he said… They were about you. How he was the one that took care of you, how I failed you. And Syd, I know that, but he had no right… So I started pounding and I couldn't stop. I tried Syd, I really tried, but I couldn't stop. All I could see was your body, bloody and still laying on the asphalt. It took both Walker and Trivette to get me off of him. I hadn't even noticed them. But they were there.

And then Alex came up and took me inside. She told me I could always come to her. But I can't. You know I can't. She'll tell me to let go, she'll say I shouldn't talk to you like this. And she will want me to move out of our house or clean out your stuff-"

He groaned a little, looking at the pictures of her and the two of them standing on the dresser and her shoes which were still lying under the table. Opening another beer, he stood up from the couch and walked over to the pictures on the dresser.

Picking up the most recent one, he took one big gulp of beer. They looked happy, it was taken the day he had proposed to her, and the day they had found out about their newly arrival. Gage's arm was tightly wrapped around her waist, and her smaller hand was resting on his shoulder while the other one was on her stomach.

With shaking hands he softly caressed her image, wishing he was touching her for real. A sudden wave of anger coursed through him as he put down the picture.

How could she leave him!

She knew he wouldn't make it alone!

The sudden burst of the glass bottle against the wall shook the apartment. A strong smell of beer invaded his nostrils as his shoulders started heaving from the large amount of rage still invading his body.

His head shot up when he heard someone at his door. It sounded like… Yeah, it sounded like a key turning in a lock. His eyes filled with hope, already envisioning how she would walk in, like she had never been gone, with a smile on her face and her belly sticking out.

His features dropped when he saw who really came through his front door.

Still hears her key turn in the door,
disappointment running through him
She's not coming anymore
He sees his friends, turns on that charm
but his heart's not in it, doesn't want to move on

Alex saw the excitement, before it left his eyes and was replaced by sadness and grief. She felt a hot stab of pain going through her heart. He looked awful, the stench of beer filled her nose before she even entered the apartment. He wasn't the same Francis Gage anymore. It was like his soul had been sucked out and what was left, was just a shell of a man. She saw how he put up his wall and the grief she had seen for a second was replaced by a smile which never reached his eyes.

"Oh, hi Alex, ehh, what's up?" he asked, his voice still a bit shaky.

"I came to see how you were doing, after what happened today…" Alex replied, uncertain if she had done the right thing. Seeing how his brow furrowed, she realized he wasn't about to open up to her. She decided to just start talking.

"Gage, I know you miss her, I miss her too. And I know I can't even comprehend what you are feeling. But I know how I would feel if Walker would ever…" she faltered a little bit, shivering at the thought of losing her beloved husband.

"I know Alex, and I'm fine, I really am," he said, although even he could hear the lie seeping through his teeth. But he just couldn't do it. He didn't want the sympathy, he only wanted her back.

"Maybe you should go home, I was just going to clean this mess up, those slippery bottles always glide through my fingers."

Turning her eyes to his hands, Alex gasped a little, "Gage your hands! Did you get them that bruised from this afternoon?"

She couldn't believe it. One of her truest friends was slowly killing himself and he was in denial. She didn't believe his lies, but knew that if he didn't want to be helped, she was out of line if she did it anyway. Deciding to talk to Walker about their fellow ranger she turned back towards the door.

"Okay, I'll leave you to it then. See you tomorrow right?" she ended, turning a hopeful look his way.

"Yeah sure, I'll be there, do you need me to bring anything?" he asked, eyes fixed on a point behind her.

"Nah, just a good mood," she joked, almost immediately realising her bad timing.

Gage managed a painful looking grin when he showed her to the door. "I'll try," was the best he could do.

After closing the door behind her he leaned against it, slowly sagging to the floor. He rubbed his hands over his tiresome face, accidentally taking some tears with it.

"Oh Syd, they wouldn't even let me see you. I saw you fall, I saw you bleed, and I know you're gone. But how can I say goodbye to you if I haven't even seen you body. All I saw was your casket, being lowered in the cold-"

And then and there he broke, huge sobs wrecking his tired body, his shoulders shaking with the force of his grief. He sat there for a good part of the night, until he had no more tears left to cry. Slowly standing up, feeling dizzy as he had no more strength left in his body, he made his way to their, no his, bedroom, and fell down on the bed praying for a dreamless sleep. But also hoping for dreams of happiness with her…

He has his dreams, they will get him through
till his life means something more than to lose
Cause he's still wondering when she's coming home
and he'll tell her what he's done today
He doesn't want to lose this memory
of the only part of life to him that's safe

He was searching the crowd, looking for her familiar face. There it was, a huge smile framing her features, and it was aimed at him. Suddenly it was like all the people were making room for them. He saw a small baby, safely tucked in her arms. And together they came towards him. The sun was warming on his skin and he felt a smile tugging at his lips. His family, they would never leave each other. The moment she crossed the street and was just a few feet away, the sky darkened. The colours turned greyer, and the smile on her face faded. It was replaced by a look of fear. Grabbing the child close to her she swiftly looked around, already reaching for her gun. Gage tried to scream, or run to her, but he wasn't able to. His feet were like stone, lodged on the pavement. And his voice wasn't working, although he tried to scream at the top of his lungs. The only thing he could do is plead with his eyes and watch how the scene unfolded. When Syd almost had her gun ready a man hurriedly crossed the street. Only one shot was heard, but the man was still standing there, like he was admiring his work. Then he slowly turned around, pointed his finger at Gage and said, "You'll never have her again, no matter how hard you try."

Then he just disappeared and Gage turned his attention back on his bleeding wife. Still not able to move, he could only watch as she slowly fell to the floor. The child had disappeared, and her front was red from all the blood. Her eyes held the greatest amount of fear and pain he had ever seen. It was like she was begging him to help her. And he couldn't, it was slowly killing him.

And then he heard it again, the small cry, growing louder every minute. As the life drained from his fiancé, the crying became louder. It became so loud, it was all he could hear. It filled the world and as Gage turned away from the still form he saw the walls of the buildings starting to bleed. And at that moment he let out a grief filled scream which tore from his chest as he shot up in bed, sweat and tears mingling on his face…

He's missing out on life
because he doesn't know how long to keep her in his mind
His life's been hers too long
and now he's picking up the pieces
just to stay alive

At 5.00 in the morning Gage was pacing his apartment, he had already had large amounts of coffee, trying to keep him from sleeping. Dark circles were visible underneath his eyes, but he didn't care. As long as he didn't go to sleep, the dream wouldn't haunt him. Looking out the window he contemplated the distance from his window to the curve. He stood there for a few minutes, and suddenly turned away, disgusted with himself. How could he think about something like that. It would be a form of betrayal.

So instead of ending the pain by taking his fate in his own hands, he picked up his gun, put it in his holster and went to Ranger Headquarters, hoping Walker had some sort of dangerous assignment for him. Knowing he would be coming home tonight to an empty apartment, were he would talk to her as if she was there.

Giving her picture one last look, he put on his jacket and, ignoring the small tingling sensation, left for another day of picking up the pieces…

And he's still wondering when she's coming home
and he'll tell her what he's done today
He doesn't want to lose this memory
of the only part of life to him that's safe

She ran, until she didn't have any breath left. Her protruding belly was bothering her, but she had to go on. Looking behind her she didn't see him anymore so she slipped into a quiet ally. Putting her hand in her pocket, she slipped out a worn and greasy picture. A silent tear slipped down her cheek when she saw the happy faces smiling at the camera.

Hearing a small noise, she hurriedly put it back into place and started running again. She felt desperation sinking into her skin as the sound came closer. Would she ever be able to come home again?

Dum dum dum… So? Should I continue?