Could it be that I'm just not worth it? Am I just some stupid fuck up, who only bitches and moans? Should I give up everything that I've worked towards as a leader? Will I ever amount to anything more than a child and a mutant? These thoughts pounded through Karkat's head as he laid on his back staring up at the ceiling of his respite block. Immersed in his thoughts, the sounds of his Crabtop's electrical hum was lost and fell into a kind of white noise until it completely vanished from his mental registry. These questions always seemed to rise up in his mind after having one of those nightmares…
He would be surrounded by his comrades, and everything would appear to be fine in his dream land. However, things would turn sour very quickly, whether by natural disaster or just irreconcilable differences. Down the drain would go all of his imaginative hard work, and he would be left with angry faces and the deceased. Then the remaining few would all turn on him, and he would be slashed, bludgeoned, beaten, or sawed to death. Each morning he woke in a cold sweat; the night's sensations and sights still haunting his consciousness.
Ever since he lost his Prospit self, he would only have nightmares of the worst nature and just could not find rest. Whether it be of him failing as a leader, or drowning in a tub of his own blood, they were never good dreams; and people wondered why his notorious dark circles were growing in shade and size. As of late, Karkat found himself staggering around the hallways of the compound they all lived in, trying to focus on the ground in front of him. He was in a sleep-deprived haze and knew that he just could not get out unless he slept. But when he slept, the time spent asleep was consumed by too much sorrow, suffering, and heartbreak.
Right now, Karkat was still on his back, drifting in a semi-conscious state his world was just starting to close in around him. He was jolted awake by the familiar "chime" of the Trollian website; apparently someone wanted to talk to him. He was hesitant at first, he had been so close that maybe he would have a dreamless sleep due to fatigue. Yet, he understood that it was his duty as the leader to keep an eye on everyone and answer as many questions he could. The sleep deprived troll lifted himself off of the floor and staggered over to the Crabtop, plopping himself in the chair with as little grace as he cared to use. It was Terezi. This was odd considering she had barely spoken to him since she started dating Dave [FUCKING] Strider. Oh well, she probably wants to ask him what she should do if Dave asks her do another human activity…
KARKAT, ANSWER TEREZI.
[gallowsCalibrator started trolling carcinoGeneticist]
GC: H3Y K4RKL3S.
CG: HEY TEREZI. WHAT'S UP?
GC: W3LL, 4 F3W SC4L3M4T3S OF COURS3! :]
CG: FUNNY.
CG: IS THERE SOMETHING IN PARTICULAR YOU WANTED TO TALK ABOUT?
GC: NOT R34LLY. 1 JUST W4NT3D TO T4LK TO YOU.
GC: W3'V3 JUST B33N SO BUSY W1TH OUR L1V3S L4T3LY TH4T 1 H4V3N'T 3V3N S33N YOU 4ROUND MUCH.
GC: 1 P4SS3D BY YOU 1N TH3 H4LLW4Y 34RL13R, BUT YOU D1DN'T 3V3N LOOK 4T M3. :/
CG: OH, YOU DID? I DIDN'T NOTICE I GUESS.
GC: 1 GU3SS YOU D1DN'T. :[
GC: K4RK4T, YOU'R3 NOT M4D 4T M3 4BOUT 4NYTH1NG 4R3 YOU?
CG: WHAT? NO. WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT?
GC: W3LL,
GC: YOU JUST S41D TH4T YOU D1DN'T S33 M3 4 F3W M1NUT3S 4GO, 4ND YOU S33M MOR3 1RR1T4BL3 TH4N USU4L.
GC: 4ND YOU H4V3N'T T4LK3D TO M3 MUCH L4T3LY.
CG: I AM JUST NOT MYSELF LATELY. I HAVEN'T BEEN GETTING ENOUGH SLEEP.
GC: OH K4RKL3S, YOU SHOULD T4K3 B3TT3R C4R3 OF YOURS3LF.
GC: B31NG TH3 L34D3R C4N B3 STR3SSFUL, BUT 1'M H3R3 1F YOU N33D M3.
CG: YEAH RIGHT.
GC: HUH? :? WH4T 4R3 YOU G3TT1NG 4T?
CG: OH ABSOLUTELY NOTHING THAT YOU SHOULD CARE ABOUT.
GC: K4RK4T, BUT 1 DO. 1'M H3R3 R1GHT NOW.
CG: OK, LET ME JUST TOUCH ON THAT.
CG: YOU'RE NOT HERE ANYMORE.
CG: EVER SINCE YOU STARTED DATING DAVE, IT'S ALL BEEN ABOUT HIM AND THE NEXT TIME YOU GET TO SEE HIM.
GC: K4RK4T, TH4T'S NOT TRU3.
GC: 1'V3 4SK3D YOU TO T3LL M3 HOW 3V3RYON3'S DO1NG OFT3N.
CG: WELL EXCUSE ME IF I'M NOT HAPPILY OBLIDGING TO LETTING YOU KNOW HOW YOUR FRIENDS ARE DOING EVERY FUCKING SECOND OF THE DAY.
CG: I MEAN I AM SURE THAT'S ALL I'M GOOD FOR THESE DAYS.
CG: NOW IF YOU DON'T MIND, I'M GOING TO SLEEP.
GC: W41T, 1 GU3SS 1 DO H4V3 SOM3TH1NG TO T4LK TO YOU 4BOUT.
CG: WELL THANK GOG! I WAS JUST BEGINNING TO THINK THAT THE WORLD WAS GOING TO COME TO AN END, BECAUSE YOU JUST WANTED TO TALK TO ME FOR THE SAKE OF TALKING.
GC: DON'T B3 4 FUCK4SS, 4ND 1 D1D JUST W4NT TO T4LK TO YOU.
GC: BUT TH3R3'S 4LSO SOM3TH1NG 1 H4V3 TO T3LL YOU.
GC: 4BOUT D4V3.
CG: ALRIGHT WHATEVER SHOOT, GO RIGHT AHEAD.
CG: IT'S NOT LIKE I HAVE ANYTHING MORE IMPORTANT TO DEAL WITH THAN YOUR DATING LIFE.
GC: D4V3 BROK3 UP W1TH M3.
CG: OH,
CG: I'M SORRY TEREZI.
CG: FUCK, I SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID ANYTHING.
Of course this is why she would be messaging him. Terezi needed someone that she could cry on; someone who was not going to tell her just to grow the fuck up and move on. How he wanted to say those very words. Karkat wanted more than almost anything to shake her awake and brag about how he and been right about Dave all along. Yet, at a time like this, that was the last thing he should say.
CG: TEREZI, LISTEN.
CG: I'M SO SORRY.
CG: WHAT I SAID WAS ENTIRELY UNCALLED FOR AND STUPID.
CG: YOU'RE AN AMAZING PERSON, AND HE PROBABLY DIDN'T MEAN IT.
CG: DAVE WILL BE BACK FOR YOU, DON'T WORRY.
CG: TEREZI?
CG: JEEZ, THERE I GO BEING AN ASSHOLE AGAIN.
CG: I SHOT MY MOUTH OFF AND IT WASN'T MY PLACE.
CG: YOU'RE PROBABLY CRYING NOW, THAT'S THE ONLY THING I SEEM TO BE GOOD FOR THESE DAYS.
CG: I DIDN'T MEAN WHAT I SAID. I TAKE IT ALL BACK.
CG: I DIDN'T MEAN TO HURT YOU.
CG: UGH. YOU PROBABLY DON'T WANT TO EVEN SEE ME RIGHT NOW, BUT IF I CAME OVER WOULD YOU LET ME IN?
CG: I WANT TO BE THERE FOR YOU.
CG: I WANT TO TRY AND MAKE THINGS RIGHT.
CG: I KNOW I MISSED MY CHANCE WITH YOU AND I'M NOT ASKING FOR ANOTHER ONE.
CG: I PUSHED YOU AWAY BY TRYING TO RUN YOUR LIFE JUST BECAUSE I THOUGHT I KNEW WHAT WAS BETTER FOR YOU.
CG: I NEVER STOPPED TO TRULY THINK OF YOU AND WHAT YOU WANTED.
CG: EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN THE WORLDS TO ME.
CG: IF YOU WANT ME TO DISAPPEAR I WILL.
CG: I WILL DO WHATEVER YOU NEED.
CG: I PROMISE YOU, TEREZI.
CG: I'M HERE FOR YOU.
Karkat sat staring at his screen ignoring the other messages that were popping up from various trolls on different timelines. He ignored his reason for answering Terezi's message; that a leader should answer every time he is called upon. Like always, it seemed that the whole world could wait until things were right with Terezi. He knew that he should have gotten over her a while ago; in fact he should have gotten over her when she started dating Strider. However, Karkat always treasured this crazy/chalk eating/ridiculous/clingy/nosy/beautiful troll over everyone else that he ever met. Somehow, Karkat knew that there would never be anyone else than her. He didn't mind.
GC: K4RK4T, WOULD YOU R34LLY COM3 OV3R JUST TO HE4R M3 WH1N3 4ND CRY L1K3 4 HUM4N B4BY?
CG: YES. IF THAT'S WHAT YOU NEED ME TO DO.
GC: OK. PL34S3 HURRY. 1 C4N'T T4K3 1T.
CG: AS YOU WISH.
GC: 1 DON'T W4NT TO B3 4LON3.
Without even taking the five seconds it would to log out of Trollian, Karkat flung his Crabtop aside and bolted out the door of his respite block. As he ran past Kanaya and Rose drinking some tea, he could feel the fatigue encroaching on his judgment. He stumbled a few times and slammed right into a door, which at least led to Terezi's block. He opened the door slowly, walked in and looked at her walls; covered in horribly drawn pictures that depicted her with Dave. As he walked closer to the main section of her bock, the pictures started to have lines drawn through them. She had used red chalk to cross out her own face in each scene. He heard quiet sobs coming from inside the second room ahead and he stepped inside, suppressing his own deep emotions.
"Terezi?" Karkat asked cautiously stepping inside her respite block. He saw her just sitting on the floor with her arms hugged tightly around her knees. Upon hearing his voice she seemed to have hidden deeper into her folded body, and she started wiping her eyes underneath her dragon cosplay hood.
"Hey Karkat," she said between sobs. He could hear the strain in her voice; she was trying to keep it together still. The young troll could not just stand there like a dope and watch her fall apart like this he had to help somehow. He followed his impulse and sat down next to her slowly placing an arm around her shoulders comfortingly.
"Terezi," Karkat said softly. "You know you don't have to hold back. Trust me, the last thing you want to do is bottle something like this up."
After a few short sniffs and another swift rub of her eyes, she finally spoke. "I just DON'T UNDERSTAND!" She screamed out and began sobbing hysterically and clenched onto her legs even harder. Karkat turned to face her and wrapped both of his arms around her and held her close to his chest. He wanted to ask her what happened, but she would tell him on her own time; it was not the time to inquire.
"Shoosh," Karkat patted her head and slowly rocked her back and forth. Gog, hold it together Vantas. You can't be crying now too. She needs you to be strong. It was taking almost all of his concentration to not cry as well. He didn't mean it as pity, but rather he wanted to cry because he still loved her dearly and hated seeing her like this.
"I would have been able to take it. Really I'm not this weak!" Terezi began to yell through her sobs and tears. She tried letting go of her legs and stood up just enough that Karkat could see her tear streaked face. "I just wish that he had at least told me that he was with Jade too! Then I would have never- AHH!" She wailed even louder and clung onto Karkat's sweater.
Dave was cheating on you? Karkat thought to himself as he pulled her into him in a solid embrace. What did you do? What did he make you do that seemed to be so good at the time? Did they- no, she would never go that far with him, would she?