Rated: PG 13 for language; Potential Triggers: Mention of Finn's death (nothing graphic, though); Also on tumblr at whatdiditellyouflawless
Summary: Early/Still Platonic!Seblaine (this is a prequel to my Seblaine fics) and Finn memorial fic. Blaine calls Sebastian after the death of Finn. Canon through 5x02, if you think Sebastian's reaction after Help! did seem a little too chipper. Also set after headcanon written in Tumblr's blainedarling and purplehairedwonder's reaction fics.
Author's notes: This is my first fanfic ever, so be gentle. I didn't expect to cry quite that hard during the 30 second promo for "The Quarterback;" and I saw a Blaine calls Cooper fanfic that got me thinking of how my dear Seb would play in the fallout of Finn's death. So I worked through some of my Cory/Finn feels and continued to develop my Seblaine feels all in one go. It's actually more about Finn and Blaine's love for him, than it is about much Seblaine (though I threw a few bones in there for my Seblainer pals.) Thanks for reading, sorry I'm so new at this that I have no beta.
I put thoughts in italics.
—-
It was midnight and Sebastian turned off the credits running after the mind-numbing action movie he had sort-of just watched. He had just literally kicked Nick and Jeff out of his dorm room, his foot sharply shoving Jeff's ass through the door as his friend teased and wheedled to stay and play Xbox. Nick laughed, dodged Sebastian and dragged Jeff out. Sebastian gave him the slightest of nods, which Nick had come to understand was Sebastian's version of thanking them for hanging out.
Though Seb would deny it, Nick thought he needed the company. Sebastian had scoffed after Blaine's plea for help with the "cheesey, ludicrous" proposal, saying he only pasted on a smile to help a former Warbler. "Once a Warbler, always a Warbler," he had said. But Nick saw Sebastian leaving Dalton after the proposal and didn't like the look in his eye. Nick sent Blaine after him and Sebastian came back the next morning looking subdued.
So he thought Seb might be okay. But after joking about bringing over Ben and Jerry's and sappy movies, Jeff promptly got "accidentally" decked by Sebastian during lacrosse practice. That's when they realized there might be still more going on behind Sebastian's steely façade. "No bringing up Blaine," Nick had warned the Warblers at practice while Sebastian was out caffeinating himself. "And you," he said gesturing at Trent, "You are not allowed to even LOOK at him with your weepy pity faces." He pointed at Jeff's black eye. "It's for your own good."
Sebastian stripped off his Dalton dress shirt and gray slacks, which he had lazily never changed out of after classes that day. He slid on his warmer pajama bottoms, since the weather had taken cooler turn.
Then his phone buzzed.
Well, fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Sebastian stared at the smiling photo of Blaine on his phone that popped up. Sebastian had never bothered to attach a photo to any other contact in his phone but Blaine's,. It wasthe only small sign of his feeling for his "friend." If anyone dared ask, he would say it was imported somehow from Facebook.
Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Why is Blaine calling at midnight? Why is he calling at all? Just when Sebastian had started to move on after that over the top, circus of a proposal. Shit.
Maybe he's broken the engagement. Maybe he wants to cheat on Hummel again, but this time with me with feelings? Maybe he just has a flat tire. That's stupid, he probably has triple A. Oh shit, maybe he's hurt or it's another kind of emergency…
Oh for god's sake just pick it up.
"Killer…" Sebastian sounded odd.
"Sebastian…is this a bad time?" Blaine sounded odd.
"No. But I'm surprised to hear from you."
"I know…I know you said you didn't want to talk…for awhile." Blaine twisted one of his curls nervously.
Silence.
"I just…well… Finn Hudson died."
Silence a mile wide and deep.
"Shit Blaine…" Sebastian stumbled into his rare use of Blaine's real name. "What happened?"
"It doesn't matter."
Sebastian silently agreed, knowing if Blaine wanted to talk whys and wheres and whens, he would.
"How…are you?" Sebastian almost smacked his own forehead. Stupid question.
"I don't know…numb. Sick. Worried about Kurt. More worried about Rachel."
Ok, maybe not such a stupid question. But now what? Sebastian wondered why Blaine is calling HIM. His heart makes a weird flutter but he tries to clamp down on the stupid Blaine-related-goddamned-feelings he had been trying to obliterate since the proposal. Then he wondered what he should do next.
"Can I do anything? Do you guys need money for anything? His parents don't have a lot of money, right?"
"Sebastian, stop…"
"No really, just let me…my dad can…"
"SEBASTIAN STOP, for god's sake! You can't just throw money at this!"
Silence. Get a grip, Smythe.
"I'm so sorry Sebastian… really, god you don't deserve that. I know you just wanted to help."
Silence.
"I guess…I guess I just need someone to listen. "
"Ok."
"And you've always been a good listener."
"Sorry for not being one now."
"It's really okay. And I'm really sorry for being a jerk. I'm so tired, I've been feeling so…frustrated."
There was a masturbation or sex joke forming in his head, a stupid reflex. Sebastian had long used innuendo and humor to break tension and avoid discomfort. He literally bit his tongue, a handy technique he had picked up in his attempt to turn over a new leaf. (Nick had shouted "GROW A FILTER" at him one day after he had berated Trent in a particularly grueling Warblers practice.)
Blaine continued. "Everyone is exhausted. But it's weird, even though I'm so tired, I can't sleep much. I always suspected I was a little on the manic side of the spectrum, and it turns out I am, at least according to the therapist Mr. Schue brought in to talk with all of us."
Sebastian was picturing Blaine deflating slowly like a balloon, as he talked and talked and talked, getting thoughts off of his chest.
"I'm sorry to bother you, especially after you said you didn't want to talk…it's just everyone else is hurting so much and most of them can't be really good listeners right now, and they shouldn't be. I remembered you had a tough time when your grandma died, so I thought you might…relate, or something. I didn't know who else to call to help me get my mind off things so I can sleep."
"It's good you called." Sebastian wondered what he did to deserve to be even on the bottom of Blaine's list of people to call in a situation like this.
"Did you have trouble sleeping when your grandmother died? My mind keeps racing, and racing to sad places. What a waste it all is, for a guy like Finn to…to..leave us…so soon."
Sebastian remembered, from the death of his grandmother, how hard it can be to say "die" right away.
Blaine propped himself up on his elbows. "He was just starting college, getting a teaching credential…and the worst part of it is… the last time I checked in with him, he seemed so peaceful about where things were with Rachel. He was really letting her go, letting her bloom on her own in New York City. He didn't want to hold her back. But god he was SO in love with her. So much that he set her free for awhile…and he seemed so confident that she would come back to him."
Blaine tried to push away questions about if he might be holding back Kurt. But his mind spun into thoughts about Kurt's future in New York: Vogue, NYADA. He wondered if he would feel so confident about Kurt coming back if he was set free.
He thought of Rachel and how she really did look like a rose in bloom sometimes. Then he thought of her beautiful face crumpled in pain the other day. His Maria.
"Blaine?"
Blaine was definitely crying now.
"Hey Blaine… do you want me to come over?"
Sniff. "No…it's okay…I don't know…"
"I'm coming over…but we don't have to hang up. I'll just put in my Bluetooth."
"No, you really don't have to, it's such a long drive…it's so late…"
"Blaine, I'd feel terrible if I didn't come over, really. I want to…if…you'll have me." Sebastian tried to push thoughts of his own relationship with Blaine away…You fucking idiot, this is not the time.
Sniff. "Of course I'll always have you… it's just so late…"
"Stop arguing with me, B. Just hold on a second while I put a shirt on." Blaine berated himself for the image of a shirtless Sebastian that popped up in his head.
Sebastian heard Blaine blow his nose away from the phone. As he put the Jawbone on his ear and changed clothes he said, "God Blaine…I'm…I'm sorry. Finn seemed like a good guy." A little daft, but…(Again, the filter was thankfully still working well tonight.)
"I mean, if I were him I would have shoved a pair of high heels on me and strung me up naked in a tree for what I almost did to him with that blackmail bullshit."
He always felt a wrench in the pit of his stomach when he thought about his junior year behavior, but when Blaine was unable to stop from chortling at the image, it was worth it.
"God Seb, thanks for getting me to laugh. I feel…. oh God, I shouldn't be laughing."
"Blaine you gotta have some release, it's ok. "
Blaine rolled over and beat on a pillow. "You know, Finn actually made fun of those photos after you promised us that they were destroyed. God he has the most…had a great sense of humor." Blaine winced at his use of the present, then past tense. "He could laugh at himself so easily. That's something I'm not always good at doing. I wish I were more like him."
Sebastian just listened as he scribbled a note to the Dalton security guard to explain why he was breaking curfew.
"He's one of those guys who is so easy to take for granted, in a way. He was always just… THERE."
Blaine was lost in his own thoughts again, so Sebastian just listened to his breathing as he climbed into his BMW.
"We did a duet once, for his graduation week…Good Riddance."
"That's a cool song."
"Yeah, and he was just so easy to sing with. Not a Diva-bone in his body."
Blaine smiled wistfully at another memory. Kurt said I hit on him when I was drunk at Rachel's party."
"The one where you kissed Berry?"
"Yeah…" They chuckled together, before Blaine felt guilty again.
Unable to resist, Sebastian teased, "I guess you have a thing for tall guys…"Shit, was that totally tasteless? God just listen to him, just listen.
To his relief, Blaine laughed again. "You know Kurt is 5' 10", right"?
That's still short Blaine, even though it's 2 inches taller than you. Stop it, focus on him. Stop flirting, be a fucking good friend.
Sebastian didn't answer.
Blaine sighed, at a loss for words again.
"How is Kurt, anyway?"
"He's…hey, thanks for asking. You even called him Kurt," Blaine smiled, then furrowed his brow in worry. "He's sleeping a lot, he's just so…heartbroken. I mean I am so sad, but he's on a whole other level. I think he feels a lot of guilt, going off to New York while Finn stayed and helped Burt with the Tire Shop. But mostly he's just so sad and wishes they had spent more time together. I don't even know what to do to help him. He's trying to be strong, and he really is, but I wish I could make it easier for him. I hate feeling so helpless."
Sebastian had just been feeling the same way. He checked the rearview mirror for cops and made sure his cop-radar detector was on as he gunned the BMW to 90 miles per hour. Luckily there were barely any cars on the road.
"Tell me more about him, B. He did sort of have that quarterback thing going for him."
Blaine laughed again, through more choked tears.
"He had the funniest giggle sometimes. He was just a big dope, and god he was the world's worst dancer. It's a miracle we won Nationals with him. Watching him rehearse "Paradise" was like, painful. I seriously thought Mike was going to blow his own brains out, trying to rehearse Finn, Puck and Sam.
"I haven't even seen Puck yet. Jake, Coach Beiste and Sam say he's a mess. Puck's such a badass, and his tweet when he heard was just … 'No.' That's it…" Blaine's voice was more than choked up.
Sebastian welled up himself but tried to stay focused on the road.
"He was a really good leader. We all really recognized that especially when Mr. Schue was gone in DC earlier this year. I mean honestly…Sam and Marley and I knew more musically than Finn, and certainly Brittany and Kitty knew more about choreography. But it didn't matter. Finn always made us feel supported. He listened to us, and he even helped make peace when Kitty and Tina and Unique would fight. He kept us focused, kept us on task. He made me feel like a leader even when I might not have really been doing a good job at that. I'm a lot of talk sometimes… but Finn would point out eye-rolling around the room if I was too oblivious to notice. Then he would help me build buy-in as a leader. He was really generous that way sometimes.
"I was thinking about that today, of how much I learned from him about being a leader, just by watching him. That's why he would have made such an amazing teacher. He told me he wanted to be a teacher as great as Mr. Schue."
Sebastian's heart twisted as he heard Blaine choke back an actual sob this time. "You should have seen Mr. Schue's face when I first saw him after we found out. Like someone had sucker punched him. But he was trying to be so strong for us.
"I've always been too hard on Mr. Schue. Dalton ruined me for teachers at McKinley. Thank god for Ms. Pillsbury. She's really helping us keep it together. But I still don't know how we're going to keep going."
"You will. He'd want you to."
"He would, that's true." Sebastian noted that Blaine tone was still heartbroken and more or less monotone, but there was a shift in cadence. He sounded a little different. Not really better, but like he might start to get there in awhile.
"You know he was kind of a jerk to me when I first got to McKinley."
"You mean he was a total asshole to you," Sebastian's usual bluntness returned in spite of himself. "I remember you telling me when you and I first met." Jesus, way to insult the dead, Smythe. Sebastian rubbed his forehead.
"God for months, I didn't say anything. I just suffered through his remarks, and I hated him and I was so goddamned passive aggressive, I took it all out on Sam one day…"
"I remember."
"I wish I hadn't wasted those months, that we could have been better friends from the start."
"B, you couldn't have done anything different – Finn wasn't gonna be any other way with you."
"But I could have reacted different."
"I doubt that would have changed anything…"
"How do you know? You didn't even know him!"
Silence.
"God, sorry. I'm such a mess."
"It's ok, B. You're right, I didn't really know him." Less talking, more listening, Smythe.
"Man, I guess doing some boxing might do me some good tomorrow." Blaine laughed weakly.
"You took the words right out of my mouth, Killer." But I wasn't going to say them because you might rip my head off.
Blaine turned over in his bed.
"When we did that Jackson family set at Sectionals last year…it was so cool to work with him. Man in the Mirror was one of those…" Blaine was at a loss for words.
"I know." It was hard to put into words, but Sebastian understood those times when a performance comes together, the harmonies just work and you feel the transcendence of a song. He remembers being moved himself when he watched from the audience. "You guys killed it. I remember thinking that the Warblers could never have pulled off something like that."
Blaine laughed again, "And I remember thinking he looked hot in his white tux, but I didn't dare say anything about it to Kurt."
"You think anyone looks hot in a tux - it's the friggin' bowtie thing," Sebastian laughed out loud as he changed lanes on the freeway. Blaine felt his aching head clear a little.
"He really had a good voice, even though technically speaking, it was nothing incredibly remarkable. But he put so much heart into it. Kurt showed me a video of him singing "Faithfully" with Rachel when they were first falling in love…it was mesmerizing."
Blaine thought of Rachel again and couldn't talk through his tears.
Sebastian welled up again, listening Blaine try and compose himself. "I'm almost there, Killer - 15 more miles or so."
Blaine cried a bit longer before his mind returned to thoughts of Finn.
"Did I tell you he went all the way to Kentucky to get Sam back for Sectionals that year, and talked Burt and Carole into letting Sam live with them? God, what would I have done without Sam this year?"
Sebastian pushed away the thought that Blaine might be at Dalton if Sam had never come back.
"And he pulled the club back together after you guys beat us at Sectionals." (Sebastian cursed Hunter silently). "We had all joined different clubs and were not motivated to keep singing."
Sebastian thought about how painful it was to just get the Warblers to try a new dance move. He spoke with a quiet admiration others rarely heard from him."That's leadership, for sure."
"He was quarterback of the football team too…but Tina said that just when he was going to quit Glee club during their first year, he rescued Artie from a port-a-potty that some football goons were going to tip over on him."
Tears rolled down Blaine's face again. "He was such an amazing person…it's not fair. I wish I had told him more how much I cared about him. I miss him. But I kinda feel like an idiot saying that because what I feel doesn't come close to what Carole or Rachel are going through."
"Blaine, it's not a competition." Sebastian wished he knew how to say everything he was feeling. He wished he could make this better.
Blaine huffed out a chuckle again. "I guess not."
"Hey, I'm outside."
"How?"
"I don't drive any slower than the last time you and I hung out," Sebastian hung up.
Blaine padded downstairs and opened the door. Blaine had to smile, pointing at the hair standing on end and the threadbare pajama bottoms, "That is not CW hair…and you didn't put on pants?" He'd never seen Sebastian looking anything less than, well, flawless.
"Shut up."
Blaine came in for a hug, and it was bittersweet. What a horrible reason for Blaine to be back in his arms. Sebastian felt heavy hearted as he patted the unruly curls, Blaine collapsing onto him a bit.
Blaine let go, closing the door behind them. He looked like a train wreck, dark circles under his eyes, his Brooks Brothers pajamas coffee stained.
"We should put you to bed, Killer. Unless you want to talk some more?"
Blaine shook his head and they climbed the stairs as quietly as they could.
Up in his room Blaine washed his face in the en suite bathroom, then walked slowly out to the bedroom as he brushed his teeth.
He stifled a laugh at the scene. Sebastian was clumsily cleaning up. He precariously stacked books on top of the bookshelf, sloppily shoved some dishes in a corner, straightened out the comforter without noticing that the sheets were rumpled at the bottom and sticking out. Clearly the Smythe housekeepers ensured that he had no idea of what he was doing.
Blaine never thought he would see the day when Sebastian Smythe would be tidying his room. Who knew?
It was oddly comforting, and Blaine felt some of the anxiety drain out of him. He would tease Sebastian on another day, because right now he suddenly felt a to-the-bone-exhaustion hit him. He was too wiped out to do anything but lie down.
Sebastian sat down in a chair next to the bed. Blaine was asleep in about sixty seconds.
The next morning, Mrs. Anderson peeked in to find a boy who must have been well over six feet tall slumped over in an incredibly uncomfortable looking position on the chair next to Blaine's bed, and Blaine curled up on the edge of the bed on the same side as the chair. She closed the door as quietly as she could.
A week later, Mr. Anderson read in the paper that an anonymous donor had given the Lima Community Foundation an annual gift of $200,000 to create a Finn Hudson Memorial Scholarship in perpetuity for student athletes pursuing the arts or teaching.
Blaine never asked. Sebastian never said. But Blaine always knew.