Reproduction
It was a warm Friday afternoon, and the
Gryffindor and Slytherin double period was in for the class of a lifetime.
Being seventh years, most of them had already had…some…experience in the
subject they were learning about. The class was the first of its kind,
innovative, and a new once-a-year subjects in Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and
Wizardry. It was Sexual Education.
The professor happened to be the ex Defense
Against the Dark Arts teacher, Professor R. Lupin. The students slowly entered
the classroom, unaware of what was ahead. As usual, the separate houses sat on
different sides of the schoolroom.
"Ahem" Professor Lupin cleared
his throat. "Welcome…today we will be covering a new…" He paused to
look around nervously. "…section… in the agenda…Sex Ed." A few
giggles came from the Slytherin side of the room. "Please separate so that
the girls and boys are on different sides of the room." Groans exploded
all around.
"See you guys later," said
Hermione as she slumped over to the other side of the room. She sat down beside
Rosa and Parvati and looked nervously towards the front.
"Now, open your books to the first
chapter." Professor Lupin sounded (note: no "sort of") uncomfortable,
and most children noticed. He cleared his throat and started the lecture.
"We will start with the reproductive
system of the flower…" Groans filled the room again.
Prof. Lupin: The parts of a flower so constructed
that very, very often the wind will cause pollination.
Everyone gasped. He was singing? Signing
about flower sex? This was one strange class…
Prof. Lupin: If not, then a bee or any other nectar gathering creature can create the same situation.
Yes, anything that gets the pollen to the pistils, write it on the list.
They took out their parchment and quills
and started to take notes, cautiously.
Prof. Lupin: I'll try to make it
crystal-clear:
The flower's sensational passion turns its life into a circus of debauchery!
Everybody looked around strangely, as if
they thought they were the only one who heard the teacher singing.
Prof Lupin: Now you see just how the
stamen gets its lusty dust onto the stigma.
And why this frenzied chlorophyllous orgy starts in spring is no enigma!
We call this quest for satisfaction a what, class?
Hermione's hand shot up in the air, as she
had been reading ahead. Lupin pointed at her.
Hermione: A photoperiodic reaction!
Prof Lupin: Oh, that's good, oh that's
very good.
Crabbe and Goyle: Hey I'm lost, where
are we?
Blaise Zabini: Chapter 2, page 5.
Guys: Reproduction!
Girls: Reproduction!
Millicent Bolstrode: Put your pollen
tube to work!
Guys: Reproduction!
Girls: Reproduction!
Rosa: Make my stamen go berserk!
Guys: Reproduction!
Parvati: I don't think they even know
what a pistil is!
Dean: I got your pistil right here...
Ron (tenor): Where does the pollen go?
Prof. Lupin: Next chapter, in an
abstract way, the same thing applies
to the reproductive organs of the more complex life forms. But now we are
dealing with sexual response. Are there any questions before we begin reading?
Neville: Is it possible the female
member of some sex on a couch
could like get this guy all hot and she never even knew it?
Dean: When a warm-blooded mammal in a tight little sweater
starts pullin' that stuff, is she sayin' that she wants to do it?
Malfoy: Can't prove it by me, cause
they change their tune when you got 'em in the back seat.
Seamus: With his heart beatin' fast!
Lavender: They make it sound like a track meet, Gross!
Guys: Yeah, then all they can do is say "No, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no!"
Girls in low voices: Reproduction!
Guys in high voices: Reproduction!
Girls in low voices: Baby, give it to
me now.
Guys: Reproduction!
Girls: Reproduction!
Guys in high voices: Is that all you
think about?
Guys and Girls: Reproduction!
Girls: Come on baby show me that you
really love me so!
Neville: Ohhh, I think I'm gonna throw
up!
Ron (tenor): Where does the pollen go?
Prof. Lupin: The human is the only
being capable of consciously controlling its number of offspring. Any comments
on this?
Jill: Professor Lupin is it true that
guys like you, you know, mature and all, carry some protection with them for
sexual occasions?
Malfoy: What's the big deal? Can't a
girl just do that thing in a book
where she adds up the days of her, uh, what do you call it, mentalstration?
Pansy: Oh that's really neat!
Rosa: Yeah, and what will the guy say
when the numbers don't add up right, huh?
Girls: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Guys: Reproduction!
Girls: Reproduction!
Jill: Hope he's proud of what he's
done!
Guys: Reproduction!
Girls: Reproduction!
Malfoy: He was only pokin' fun.
Guys and Girls: Reproduction!
Harry: What happens when a boy and girl
don't know how to play it safe?
Guys and Girls: Reproduction,
reproduction!
Reproduction, reproduction!
Reproduction, reproduction!
Reproduction!
Ron (tenor): Where does the pollen go?
Professor Lupin: Class dismissed.
A/N woo…that was just a LITTLE strange huh?
Well tell me what u thinks.
