"I'm home!" I entered the house with my usual greeting, expecting the same thing I got every time I got home from work: silence. I breathed a sigh of relief and dropped my bag next to the couch. I made my way to the kitchen, pressing play on the answering machine as I walked past the phone. As I tore a banana from the bunch, the monotone voice told me I had four new messages.
The first three were for Charlie, fishing trips and neighborly complaints. Then the fourth one started. And I dropped my banana.
"Hey, Bells...er, Bella. Um, Billy said you called. About a couple thousand times. And I'm the asshole for not returning said calls, I guess..." He coughed. "Quil says hi. That was stupid, um, shit." There was a loud thumping sound, which I assumed was him hitting something. "I miss you. A lot. Will the bloodsucker give the leash some slack or what? I mean, we didn't part in the best of ways but still. The garage is empty with just me. Come visit sometime? Um, yeah, call me back. Or don't. Bye... Bella."
I stared at my banana on the floor, chewing my lip. Of course I knew what to do. I just couldn't decide, not yet. Because then Alice would tell Edward, for my "safety." I looked up from the banana to the phone by the door.
I scooped the banana off the floor, tossed it in the trash, picked up my bag, and ran out the door. My window was closing. I had about fifteen minutes.
On my way to the reservation, I kept the peddle to the floorboard, my hands clenched tight around the wheel. What was she seeing? Did my future disappear? Is Edward on his way to thwart me?
Though anxious, I couldn't suppress my excitement. I didn't know what Jake and I would say to each other, ugly things probably, but also I might see Jake. My Jacob. My own personal sun.
The border was just in sight, but it felt like my truck was just inching closer.
"C'mon, baby..." I pat the dashboard a few times. I could almost hear her wheezing, see the smoke puff out of the engine as she gave her final breath...
And then I saw him. It could've been any one of the Cullens, except for the face. Though usually beautiful, today it was seething rage. Good, I thought. Now you know how I feel.
Just as he was about to grab onto the side of my truck, my tires rolled over the border. He lept away, literally toeing the line. But I kept her going until I knew I was well onto the Quiluete reservation. I slowed to a stop and turned the ignition off. As I climbed out, I just about fell to the ground crying, partly because I missed the rez so much, mostly because the tension had left so suddenly and the relief was smothering me.
I turned on my heel to face him. I contemplated being an asshole, but I don't think I could be. Not to him. So I just stared at him. No way was I going to be the first one to speak.
"Bella..." He sighed. "Come back over." His tone sounded like he was disappointed in a child who had just broken a toy.
"Oh...oh!" I stomped my foot and jabbed my finger in what was probably the direction of Jake's house. "He is my best friend! Leave Emmett or Alice for months and come talk to me like a child!" I knew I was throwing a tantrum. I absolutely knew it. I also knew that the wolves were probably watching me and I knew I was about to cry.
"Emmett and Alice don't pose any threat to me. The wolves are dangerous, Bella. I'm only trying to protect you. Because I love you." He looked down at his feet. I could tell he was just dying to drag me back over the border. "Please come back."
"No." I sniffed. I wondered if the wolves would stop him if he tried to cross the border. I froze when I realized what that would mean.
"Bella, I swear to you, I will come over there and get you if you do not get over here." His voice was dark, his face was...angry. I unwillingly took a step back, away from him. Was I... scared? Of Edward? I knew I was supposed to be, in any situation, because of what he was. But I never had been. Until... now.
When he saw me take a step back, when he saw the fear in my eyes, he calmed his expression. It turned to one of regret, agony almost. I steeled myself for whatever he was about to say. I pictured Jacob's smile, not Sam's grim expression, in my head. I held onto that. That was the only thing keeping me from running to Edward, to cry and tell him I was sorry. To leave La Push forever.
I blanched at my own thoughts. But I will, someday, I thought. Vampires aren'tallowed over the border, and if I stuck to my decision, stayed true to the path I was carving for myself...
I just about glared at Edward, challenging him to change my mind.
"Bella." His voice was barely a whisper. He lifted his foot to take a step forward, it was slow, and deliberate. That's when I heard claws on pavement, a growl that ripped through the air. A massive wolf bounded onto the road, planting itself between Edward and I. I recognized him. It was Embry.
His tail flicked agitatedly, his back arched. I felt like I should've done something, but I was almost glad. And I was so terrified that I was glad. Embry, if he had stepped over the invisible line, would have torn him to shreds. I had no doubt that he would have. But I still couldn't move my feet, to stand between the two. Would it have even helped? Or would Edward overreact and throw himself at the wolf to save me, even though I knew I wouldn't be in danger?
"I'll leave," Edward said, to me or to Embry, I couldn't be sure. He looked at me, and I tuned out the sound of my own heart shattering.
"See you," I said. But I realized, after Edward disappeared, that my voice was no more than a whisper.
Embry turned then, relaxed, and pointed his nose at me and made a circle with his paw. I wasn't sure, but I think he wanted me to turn around. So I did. There was a very faint shimmery sound, like windchimes miles away, and the rustling of fabric and a zipper being pulled. I turned to see Embry, on two legs and practically hairless, grinning at me.
He spread his hands and wiggled his eyebrows. He was pretty animated, but all the wolves were, I thought. "Bella's back?"
I bit back a smile and nodded, then jerked my thumb over my shoulder. "Want a ride?"
"Yes, yes I do." We climbed into the truck, neglecting our seatbelts.
I decided to prod him and see if there was anything new that I'd missed in the few months I'd abandoned them. I was sure there was.
"So...what's new?" Smooth enough.
"What's not?" He threw his hands up and looked up at the ceiling of the cab. "Jake is literally always in a mood. Shit. Less room since the Cullens got back, yunno? Can't leave the rez. Tensions are pretty... tense in the pack right now. Not just because Jacob, but because that ginger leech. We have to hunt her but the Cullens are making it a little harder, their scent and keeping an eye on the border and stuff." He shrugged.
I didn't say anything. Literally all of those things are my fault and I suddenly felt extremely nauseous.
"Hey, you okay? You look kinda green..."
I clutched the steering wheel so tight I felt like the skin stretched across my knuckles would tear. I was the root of all their troubles. Maybe I shouldn't have come...
My breaths became shallow and my chest tightened. I stared at the double yellow as I spoke. "Embry... does he hate me?"
Embry clapped his hands against his thighs and guffawed. I glanced over at him. "Whoa. No way. Like, the exact opposite. He's in lo-" He cut himself off and cleared his throat. "He misses you, more than anything."
Shit. I stared at him, searching for words. Nothing came to mind except he's in love with you. I knew that. Of course I knew that. But no one but Jake has said it. I chewed my lip and focused on the slight curves in the road. Tiny droplets of mist sprinkled my windshield as I debated on booking it back to the border.
"I miss him, too," I said quietly as I pushed the peddle a little harder.
The silence in the cab was comforting and stifling at the same time. Embry was completely at ease with me, humming a tune he made up as he went along. I, on the other hand, was a nervous wreck. My sweaty hands slipped on the wheel, my shallow breathing the only sound besides my screaming engine. When I pulled onto their driveway, I thought I would start hyperventilating. Or crying. Or die.
"Here we go," Embry said, grinning, as he climbed out of the car. He slammed his door behind him and stared at me expectantly.
"Here we go," I repeated in a whisper. I shut the engine off. This was the definition of deafening silence. Deep breaths. One, two, three.
I hesitantly climbed out of my truck, gently closing the door. The screen door banged open.
"Bella!" Billy wheeled out onto the porch, a grin stretching his wide lips. His arms were open wide, welcoming me into his tiny home.
"Hey, Billy," I said. His greeting, warm and happy, surprised me. I honestly thought he would hate me, for breaking his son's heart, for coming back even though it wasn't my intent to stay. Maybe he expected me to fix him, to be his best friend again. Maybe more. I shook in my boots as I followed Embry and Billy into the little house.
Nothing had changed. The smell was still the same, smoke and citrus and food. Old quilts and afghans were draped over the two loveseats and the rocking chair. The kitchen table was covered with old fishing magazines and window envelopes, the basket in the middle meant for fruit was filled with keys, batteries, and spare change. Home sweet home. The thought was bittersweet.
Billy wheeled around to face me. "So, how's Bella?"
I stared at him a second longer than I should have. I was here to see Jacob. He knew that. Why the small talk?
"I'm fine," I said. I tried my best at a polite smile. Not great, I thought. But fine. The hole in my chest, remember that? The one your son helped sew up, yeah, it's all gone. But now there's a new one named Jacob and he probably has one named Bella. i screwed everything up but life is better than a year ago. For me it is, at least. Just fine.
"Where's Jake?" Embry asked casually as he made his way to the fridge. I couldn't tell if he was genuinely curious or asking for my benefit.
Billy glanced over his shoulder at Embry. He laughed quietly and shook his head. "My house is a youth hostile now, can you believe it? How do boys go through so many Cocoa Puffs?" He looked at me and his smile crinkled his eyes. He was waiting for me to smile, or laugh, but the worry eating at me kept any emotion from showing through. He nodded and turned his chair around. "The garage." He wheeled himself in front of the TV. He was soon immersed in a game.
Embry, bowl of cereal in hand (Cocoa Puffs, probably), got comfortable on the couch. I was grateful and terrified that he was giving me the alone time I so desired and feared.
I pushed the back door open and stepped outside. Following the familiar path to the garage nestled between the trees, I tried to shut my brain off. I just let my feet take me to my old safe haven, my eyes glued to the ground.
I looked up at the sound of clinking metal and I saw the garage. Or shed. Two sheds, bolted together down the middle. There was a deep, quiet humming. I knew the voice immediately. It transported me back in time, back when I was in pain but the happiest I'd ever been. The memory of my sun warmed me, from the inside out. It gave me a little courage.
I stepped into the shelter of the trees and touched the side of the door, wrapping my hand around the frame. I peeked my head in.
There he was (holy crow, could he be any bigger?), hunched over his own motorbike, tinkering away at the engine. He was still humming.
I closed my eyes and knocked.
I waited a few seconds before I opened my eyes. He didn't turn around and I felt like the humming had gotten louder. I hoped I was just imagining it.
"Jake?" I knocked again, harder this time. It hurt my knuckles.
Oh.
I could feel tears stinging my eyes. He was ignoring me. After calling, asking me to visit, here he was, not even able to look at me.
Fine, I thought, I see how it is. I turned on my heel, with every intent on never coming here ever again, and toppled into a pile of old paint cans.
I hit the ground, hard.
The humming stopped.
There was a metal clanging coming from the garage and an extremely loud "What in the hell?"
I didn't even bother getting up, just buried my face in the dirt, my ass in the air. Nothing, not even Edward leaving me for a year, could top the amount of suffering I was about to endure.
If you're out there, I thought, now would be good time as any to drop a piano. A safe would also be pretty great.
"Quil, I swear to god..."
Whatever you got. A fridge, maybe?
"Bella?"
An anvil.
Jake snorted. The snort turned into laughing, and he was eventually on the ground next to me, practically crying.
"Ow, okay, ow. Ow. I'm-I'm done." A firm hand gripped my shoulder and yanked me up off the ground. I breathed hard through my nose, clearing out the dirt. I brushed my face off, eyes closed.
When I was certain all of the dirt was gone, I opened my eyes. I was about to start crying, but he beat me.
And then I was hit with a wall.
And that wall was hugging me. "Where you been, loca?" His voice was quiet, his hot breath stirred my hair. I wrapped my arms tightly around him, breathing in his piney scent. "Welcome back." It sounded like welcome home.
"Italy," I said, laughing quietly. "And thanks." He stood, taking me with him, and twirled me around. We stood there for a while, breathing each other in. And then it was over all too soon. He set me down and let go, in turn forcing me to as well. I was scared, because that was probably the only good thing to come out of this. Hugging him. And now the ugly words would start.
His face was wet and red, and he looked so young and old at the same time. I noticed his hair had gotten pretty shaggy.
I steeled myself when he opened his mouth to speak, but he just closed it and smiled.
"Wanna tell me about it?"
My arms went limp and I realized I'd been clenching my fists. I almost started crying again. That was Jacob, my Jake. Words could not express how much I loved him and didn't deserve him.
I smiled back, and nodded. He stepped back and swept his arm back, gesturing at the garage.
I stepped over the threshold, breathing in the motor oil and sweat, and smiled again. Today was just one long roadtrip down memory lane.
He stepped around me and planted himself in his usual spot, and that's when I noticed the earbuds dangling around his neck.
I bit my cheek, silently cursing myself. Of course he wasn't ignoring me. I'm just an idiot.
"So," he clapped his hands against his thighs and leaned forward, pointing at the stool next to him before continuing, "what happened in Italy?"
I took the seat and rubbed my knees, gazing at the ceiling. "A lot." I looked down at him. "I missed you."
He smiled, and reached over to grab my hand. He stopped himself, and let his arm drop. I was afraid that that would trigger what I'd been fearing, but he just pointed at me and said, "Italy."
"Right, right," I said, shaking my head. I tucked a lock of hair behind my ear, deciding on how to tell him what had happened in Italy.
"So..."
During my retelling of what happened in Volterra, he made the right facial expressions at all the right points, ranging from disbelief, angry, he laughed a couple of times, he even covered his mouth in surprise when I told him what Jane could do and how it hadn't worked on me. I also took note that whenever I spoke of Edward, he didn't even flinch. He just nodded and urged me to keep going.
"So there's a whole leech monarchy?"
"Kind of. They just make rules and vampires follow them. They're not exactly royalty, but they're the closest thing. They're pretty shady, though. I dunno. I wouldn't put stock in their... practices, is all." I clutched my soda a little tighter when I thought of the old woman, panicking in the tunnels. I took a sip. It was warm, just the way it should be.
"Was it scary?" His voice was quieter.
I nodded slowly, gazing at the plastic sheet under our feet. "Yeah. It was." I looked up at him. "I'm sorry, for taking off like that. It was the worst time, with Harry, I know. But I had to go..." I let the words hang in the air between us. I felt like I was saying all the wrong things, but they're the things I've been wanting to say since I got back.
He poked my knee. "I know." I looked up and he was smiling again, but it didn't touch his eyes. "Sorry I ignored your phone calls. I know you called, like, every day."
"Only about a couple thousand times," I said. We laughed, but it was quiet. There was a deeper meaning to our words, but we weren't getting them out right. If we just said them, the day would be over far too soon, and neither of us wanted that.
"Want to go to the beach?" he asked suddenly.
"Um, yeah, I guess." I set my can down next to his and we stood. The top of his head almost touched the ceiling. "Christ, Jake, you ever gonna stop growing?"
He just chuckled and strode out the door.
The black water stood out against the stark gray skies, the cliffs cutting through the mist high above us. The wind cut through my jacket, but standing next to Jake made it easier. His arms swayed at his sides, thick and bare. I edged closer to him as we walked, absorbing the heat rolling off of him in waves.
He was chatting about nothing and everything at the same time: what's new with the wolves, Emily and Sam's engagement, Quil finally joining the pack, his sisters, his dad. I felt like he was avoiding actually talking with me, but I didn't mind. I liked the husky sound of his voice, it was warm and homey to me. I just nodded and "hmm"'d when I thought it was the right time. It was so easy with Jacob. He made everything so easy. But yet nothing was. He was my enigma, complicating my life and making it better at the same time. I smiled at the thought.
He suddenly got quiet and I looked up to read his expression. He was gazing at the ground, thoughtful, and sad. I was about to ask him what was wrong, when he asked, "How long?"
I froze. I knew what he meant. And this was one of the things I'd been fearing. I was so stupid. How the hell did I think I'd get away without this being brought up?
"Graduation." I sounded like I'd been lighting up since the eighties, my voice was so hoarse. I swallowed the lump in my throat. I didn't dare look up at him.
He was tense, standing still as a statue beside me. "That's..." The thick ropes of muscle underneath his russet skin were trembling. I unwillingly took a step away from him. He turned and gripped my arms, locking them to my sides. "Before you've even lived?" His voice was a whimper. He sounded like a kicked puppy. I dragged my eyes up to his face.
His eyes were black sockets, full of betrayal and sadness and anger and pain.
"Let go, Jacob," I said quietly.
"Bella, the treaty! You know what we'll have to do..." His voice was like razor blades being dragged across my skin. He dropped my arms and stood straight, rigid.
"We'll leave first." My voice was so small. Emotions were fleeting, angry and sad and hurt and scared. I didn't know what to feel or what to express.
"The treaty doesn't have geographical limits, Bella," he spat. I flinched. "I'll kill him. Before he can, I swear I will."
I took another step back and clutched my hands to my chest. "You'll do no such thing! The treaty says if a Cullen bites a human. They aren't instigating anything!"
"Not yet."
The obsidian waves crashed against the sheer cliffs, seagulls swirled above us. My heart thrashed against my ribcage, blood pounded in my ears.
We were quiet for a long time, our breathing slowed, but we were still tense, waiting for the other to speak.
I spoke first. "I'm not sorry."
He didn't look at me. His eyes were glued to the rainbow stones beneath our feet. "I know."
"Should I come back?"
He didn't say anything. He looked out over the sea, his chest moving in rhythm with the pounding waves.
I nodded, the lump rising in my throat. "Okay." I turned from him, heading back the way we had come.
"Bells."
I stopped, turning back to look at him. I felt like a deer caught in the headlights.
"Remember..." He shoved his hands in his pockets and kicked a pebble towards me. "Remember when you offered to take me away? From La Push? From the pack, from Sam?"
I nodded slowly, remembering how scared he was when he had first changed, how I'd offered to take him away with me.
"That offer still on the table?"
I smiled, or I figured it was something that resembled a smile. "Goodbye, Jacob."
"Wait! Wait, Bells," he called after me. His hot hand wrapped around my arm and yanked me back, and he enveloped me in an extremely stifling hug. "Don't go..."
I started crying, then, staining his shirt. This was so unfair. He loved me in a way I couldn't love him and I loved him in a way I wanted him to love me and it wasn't fair. He brushed his fingers through my hair, whispering, "It's okay, honey, shh..."
We stood there until my legs were numb and my eyes were dry. I unwound my hands behind his back and drew my arms back, wrapping them around my chest. It was a familiar feeling when I was with Jacob, but I wasn't holding myself together this time. When I was with him, and Edward was at home, I was together. But I was like two different people. With Edward, I was the person I wanted to be, but with Jacob I was the person I should be. And it was weird, knowing that, knowing that I was who I am and who I was meant to be but who I was essentially getting rid of when I graduated. It was comforting and scary and I imagined this is what growing up should feel like.
"You okay?" I asked him. I knew I looked gross, and when I looked at him I was comforted by the fact that he was gross, too. I laughed. I was so used to being surrounded by ridiculously good looking people that I'd forgotten what it was like to cry in front of someone and not be embarrassed by the fact that I had snot running down my face. Because that someone also had snot running down his face.
"What's so funny?" He was genuinely upset that I had laughed.
"Oh, no, just..." I swiped my sleeve under my nose, showing him the slimy dark fabric.
"Oh. Ew." He grinned and pulled his shirt up, wiping his face down the front of it. He examined the fabric pinched between his fingers, pulled away from his body. "Bye-bye shirt."
"Sorry."
"Nah, ain't no thing." He grinned at me and motioned to my hair. "Sorry about your hair..."
My hand flew to the top of my head, and it was wet. "Oh, gross, Jake!" I shoved at his shoulder, laughing. He didn't budge an inch.
"Hey, that'll wash out!" He ruffled my hair, and slapped the side of my head. He ran away laughing. He was goading me, I knew, but I didn't care. I picked up a rock and threw it in his general direction. It landed a few feet to his right.
"Were you aiming?"
"Yes." I picked up a whole handful and bolted after him, trying to keep one eye on him and the other on any obstacles that could trip me up. I actually hit him a few times, of course none of them hurt, even if I threw them as hard as I could.
We ended up getting tired of that game pretty quick, and we made our way to our usual upended tree, roots reaching out for the clouds.
We had mutually, silently, agreed to avoid any discussion of my future plans and decided instead on some lighter topics.
"So I was going through some of my mom's old things," he started, looking out at the water. It was getting darker, but the clouds were dispersing, the sinking sun peeking through the layer of fog they left behind. "And she had these old postcards and stuff, like from all over the states. And I thought they were from my dad, yunno, because he used to be a trucker."
I nodded. I never knew what to say when he talked about his mom, but he was fine with my silence. He reflected and remembered.
"Yeah, but the return address had her name, and I asked my dad and he said that she had taken this roadtrip by herself while she was pregnant with Rachel and Rebecca. Scared the shit out of him."
I gasped, firstly because I had forgotten that his two older sisters were twins, secondly, because that was a daring and risky move made by his mother. But it also reminded me so much of Renee, I smiled.
"I mean, not all over. She mainly stuck to the west coast. But weird places, yunno? Not grand roadtrip worthy. Like in Oregon she went to see the world's largest yarn ball, and some place with made up animals and local legends. And in California she went to this dairy that made root beer milk. It sounds gross? But they're famous for it, I guess. And a town with an old resort that runs on hot springs and it used to be big in the 20's but it's just a podunk town now. And on like, every postcard she wrote, I kid you not, shitty jokes. Every single card. Billy says it was her specialty." He laughed, and his eyes crinkled. He looked so old and so young. "Like at the dairy she wrote, 'There were two cows in a field. One cow says moo and the other says dang it I was just going to say that.'" He chuckled again, and then he looked at me, smiling sheepishly. "She used to do that a lot. That's one of the things I remember the most. Like when any of us were sad or angry, if nothing else worked she would tell a really bad joke. it never worked on the girls but it worked on me. I'm a sucker for really shitty jokes." He sighed and cleared his throat. His voice was scratchy and his eyes were shining. I laid my head on his shoulder.
I tried to remember her from when I was younger, to tack a face onto this story, but I was coming up blank.
He reached for my hand and I didn't argue. Our fingers were twined together, his hand swallowing mine.
He didn't talk again, just stared at our hands. I watched his face, the worry lines on his forehead, the laugh lines around his mouth. He looked sad again and I racked my brain.
"Why are graveyards so noisy?" I asked.
His eyebrows pulled together. "Huh?"
I gave him a couple of seconds. "Because of all the coffin."
He squinted at me for a second, then his face split into a wide grin. "That was so cheesy." He looked above my head for a minute, then back down. "What did Confederate soldiers used to eat off of?"
I shrugged.
"Civil ware." He wiggled his eyebrows, wearing a shit-eating grin. "What did they used to drink with? Cups. Dixie cups."
"Ohhh," I said, storing those in the back of my mind. I knew a certain vampire who would appreciate them. I didn't respond with another stupid joke, and neither did he.
We watched the sun, sinking below the cloud cover. The rhythm of the waves and his breathing was almost lulling me to sleep, but every time my eyelids slipped down I would blink myself awake. I didn't want this moment to end. But I knew I had to get back, back to Charlie who would no doubt worry, and to the ball and chain.
I almost laughed at my own analogy. It was so Jake. But it was also wrong. I didn't think of Edward that way. Just the way he'd been reacting to the wolves and the precautions he was taking.
I sighed heavily through my nose, and it seemed to break the atmosphere, snapping Jake to attention.
"We should take a roadtrip," he said, looking down at me.
"Huh?" I could feel the tendrils of sleep slowing me down, even though I hadn't actually fallen asleep.
"A roadtrip." He said it like it was so obvious, that this was something we should have thought of forever ago. "Down the west coast, broaden our horizons. I've never even been to Seattle, Bells."
I pat his arm and sat up, stretching my back and arms. "Don't be ridiculous. There's no way either of us could. You have the pack and your dad, and there's Charlie and -" I stopped myself. But Jake didn't miss a beat.
"You're keeper?" His voice cut through me. It was so harsh, his tone, his words. I snapped my head, looking up at him again.
I didn't bother glaring. I imagined I looked like a toddler who just woke up. "Shut up. It's not like that."
He stood angrily before I had the chance to. He spun and looked at me.
"Isn't it? You have to sneak out to see me. Your best friend!"
"Are you?"
He went rigid. He stared down at me, different emotions dancing across his face. "Bells..."
I looked away, biting my lip to keep my stupid mouth shut.
The only sound was the surf pounding the shore.
It was a while before he spoke again. The sun had already dipped into the sea, below the horizon.
"I..." He didn't move. "I want to be. I want to be more, but I know..." He sighed and put one hand on his hip, the other scratching the back of his head. He watched the clouds. "I know that's not what you want. If being your best friend is the most I can get, for now, then... Yeah. Yeah, I am."
I looked up at him. He had his head bent low, I couldn't see his face.
"You're too good for me," I said. My own words stung. I knew what I was doing to him, how cruel I was. I would only keep him around if it was on my terms, his feelings brushed under the rug. I hated myself and what I was doing and I think, in that moment, I genuinely wanted to die. To disappear and let Jacob live a life he deserved, pushing me to the back of his mind. Thinking about me every once in a while, like he did with his mom.
I clenched my fist. No. I didn't even deserve that. I deserved to be put in a drawer, never thought of again. I bit the inside of my cheek, hard. I tasted iron.
I pushed myself up from the tree, standing before him. I took his huge hand in mine and pulled him back towards the house.
"I know."
"You leaving already, Bella?" Billy looked over his shoulder at me.
I nodded, keeping my gaze on him so I wouldn't look at the clock above the stove. "Charlie's gotta be worried by now."
"Nah," he said, turning back to the TV. "I called him after you kids left. He said it's fine, stay as long as you like."
Jacob tugged on my sleeve. "You can go, it's fine," he said, bowing his head to the door.
"What?" Billy said, rather loudly. He turned his chair around, giving Jake a disbelieving look.
"Dad, Charlie's not the only one who's worried about her," Jacob muttered. He grabbed my shoulders and pushed me towards the door. Billy didn't follow us.
"Thanks," I said, not knowing if it was the right thing to say.
He nodded and walked me to my truck. He was hovering around the front of the truck, hands in his pockets, toeing the mud of their driveway. "Mind if I ride to the border with you?"
My hand hovered over the doorhandle. "Get in." Hoo, boy.
I yanked my door open and hopped in, he followed suit.
"You know, I can install a stereo if you want..." His eyes were glued to the empty square in my dash, and the damage I'd done. I pointedly kept my eyes out the rear window as I backed out.
"Uh... Edward already offered," I mumbled. I drove slowly along the dirt road, avoiding the muddy potholes. Once the wheels hit wet pavement, I gunned it to fifty. Or tried. She slowly built up speed as I floored it.
"Oh." He stared out the window, his eyebrows bunched together. I felt like he was searching for topics. "Drive slower, we're in town."
"Sorry." I didn't think that was really the reason, but I slowed down to forty. Then my lights reflected off a speed sign. I slowed down to twenty-five.
"Are you going to come back?" He kept his tone light, conversational.
I tried not to sigh. "If I can."
He started to say something, but stopped. "What if I pick you up?"
"Uh..." I could imagine the war that would take place in my front yard. "That's not..."
"Yeah, it's not a great idea," he grumbled.
The atmosphere in the cab was awkward, stifling. I clenched the wheel tighter.
He perked up a little and turned towards me. "What do you call a fake noodle?"
I looked over at him out of the corner of my eye.
"An impasta." He grinned at me expectantly.
"Jeez. Okay, okay..." I stared at the road, trying to remember a joke that Charlie had told me. "Oh, got one. Okay, how do you make a tissue dance?"
He sighed, emphasizing his disappointment. "You put a little boogey in it. Yeah, that's Charlie's favorite joke. Ask me how I know." He rolled his eyes and waited for me to come up with another one.
"Okay, sheesh. Give me a minute." I chewed my lip, trying to remember who else would tell jokes when they're uncomfortable. Only one other person came to mind... "What does a perverted frog say?"
"Oh, no, this one's dirty," he said. He was trying to turn his smile into a frown.
I laughed. "Rubbit." I laughed harder.
"God. That was awful, where'd you get that one?"
I laughed again. "Emmett. He's kind of..." I squinted my eyes, trying to think of a way to descirbe Emmett and his incessant need to turn everything into sex. My reaction was enough to push a laugh out of him.
"I can tell. Jesus. Okay, okay." He tapped his chin, gazing at the floorboard. "What do you call an Italian hooker?"
"Uh..."
"A pasta-tute." He tapped my shoulder until I laughed.
"That's two pasta jokes in a row."
"There's no joke law, Bella," he said, chastising me.
I tapped my fingers against the wheel. Emmett, fortunately, always created awkward situations and I had a plethora of jokes just from him. "What do a puppy and a near-sighted gynecologist have in common?"
"Ew." He crinkled his nose.
"What do they have in common?" I laughed and hit his shoulder, goading him. It hurt my hand.
"Uh... I don't know?"
"A wet nose."
"Oh. Oh.Gross, Bella!" His laugh was so loud it hurt my ears. But I didn't mind. We were almost at the border and at least we were both distracted. I slowed down to twenty miles per hour, dragging out our time together as long as possible. I was beginning to wonder if I should have stayed behind...
"Your turn," I said, my eye on the last house just outside of La Push, marking the edge of the border. Or what I assumed was the edge.
He noticed, too. "How do you kill vegetarian vampires?" Uh-oh. I hadn't been expecting that.
I slammed my foot on the break. "Jake!"
"With a steak to the heart." His face was expressionless, bored. He opened his door and jumped out, slamming it behind him. I watched him walk away, kicking rocks, whistling Walking on Sunshine. I turned to face the road again, slumping in my seat. My truck sat in the middle of the road, idling, lights reflecting off the slick asphalt.
When I saw headlights in my rearview mirror, I decided it was time to move. No one was waiting for me outside the border, as far as I could tell. Good.
The first tears started when the car driving behind me went around me and I realized I was driving twenty below the limit. As I coaxed the car to go faster, a sob broke out of my mouth. I clamped it shut. I was not going to cry about Jacob. Not anymore. Maybe I wouldn't even go back to La Push. The second sob broke out. I couldn't just leave him. He was my best friend. But...
The third sob. And then waterworks started. I contemplated pulling over, but then I figured he would show up. He was too beautiful and perfect. I hated when he saw me cry. And then I remembered Jake, when he cried, and he wasn't ugly when he cried but he was gross. And that was so human, even though he wasn't, he still had human tendencies. It was so much easier to be human around him. I wasn't embarrassed and I didn't have to feel bad because he did it, too. He did human things.
I slammed my hands on the wheel. I screamed a little.
But I loved Edward. Stupid, beautiful, over-protective Edward. Even though I was getting a little sick of him, even after losing him for a year. I hated myself for being even just a little tired of Edward. I didn't deserve anyone who loved me. I just took their affection and tore it to pieces while they watched. Every move I make hurts someone. Why couldn't I have just stayed invisible, insignificant?
By the time I pulled into Charlie's driveway, the tears had dried up and my face felt itchy and stretched. I swiped my crusty sleeve under my nose and stared at the wet fabric.
"Sorry," I whispered. I didn't know who I was apologizing to or what I was sorry for. That I looked disgusting? That I was a terrible person? Probably both.
Charlie, unfortunately, didn't just grunt his hello. He was waiting to bombard me with questions by the door.
Also, unfortunate, my face was puffy and splotchy and slimy. He asked me questions he hadn't been planning on.
"What happened? What'd that pasty Cullen do now? Do I need to go have a talk with him?" His mouth kept running as I let my bag drop to the floor and dragged it behind me, heading for the stairs and solitude.
"No, Dad, it was Jacob. He just... said some things and I said some things and it was an extemely stressful day." I stopped and looked up at him.
He was shocked and stepped into the living room, giving me some space. "Sorry that I... jumped to conclusions. Do you want me to talk to Jake?" His voice was quiet.
"No. I'll call him later." I started climbing the stairs. "Maybe."
"G'night, Bells." He watched me as I disappeared into the unlit hallway.
"Edward's not pasty," I mumbled, not caring whether he heard or not. I stopped in my doorway, checking for any signs of Edward. When I concluded he wasn't there, I tossed my bag on my bed and angrily latched the lock on my window. I needed tonight for myself, to lay out everything that had happened and sort through it all. Also he didn't need to see that I'd been crying, because then accusations would start and I didn't feel like talking him down.
I grabbed some old pajamas off of the floor, sweats, not the cuter ones I reserved for nights when Edward was here, and washed my face in the bathroom. I avoided looking in the mirror while I brushed my teeth, instead counting the tiles in the floor.
I wondered, while I snuggled into my thick quilt and newly aqcuired blanket from Renee, if Edward had already seen the locked window. I didn't think about his reaction to my second act of rebellion that day as I flicked my bedside lamp off and drifted into a fitful sleep.
"Bells?"
"Hmmph," I grumbled into my pillow. I rolled over, squinting at whoever was hovering over my bed.
It was Charlie, dressed and ready. "It's nine thirty."
Oh.
"Can't I just skip school?" I asked. His disapproving frown made me sit up, wiping the crust out of my eyes. "Yeah, okay, okay..."
"I thought, uh, your boyfriend was going to pick you up," he said. I froze, a reaction to stress I'd picked up from Edward. Charlie never used the word boyfriend.
"I told him I'd drive myself today," I lied. I didn't even think about Edward, or lack thereof. He was usually my alarm clock, telling me to get up and greet the day. And then I remembered. I'd locked my window. I'd locked him out.
"Uh-huh." Of course he'd see right through me. "Trouble in paradise?"
Ouch. "No. I just want to start driving my truck again." If only I'd been born a better liar, or at least had some practice on someone who wasn't also a bad liar. He knew all the tells. I am my father's daughter, after all.
Thankfully, he didn't pry, either because he was late for work or because he really didn't care if Edward and I were having problems. If he could have it his way, there would be no Edward.
"Well, just get up, okay? You graduate in a month. You can't afford to miss school."
I didn't bother telling him that I could afford to miss a couple days. Maybe even a week, if I really felt up to it. Instead, I took my sweet time and waited for him to leave.
I'd already decided that I didn't feel like going today. The sun was peeking through the clouds, anyways, so I didn't have to worry about Edward searching the parking lot for my truck. He and his siblings wouldn't even attend today.
I waited fifteen minutes after Charlie left, making sure he wouldn't come back because he'd forgotten his badge or anything, before I climbed back into bed. I hadn't realized I'd fallen asleep until I opened my eyes and I was suddenly in a forest. And I had that weird feeling, where you know you're dreaming and you just sit back and watch, where you're between asleep and awake.
The forest was cold, I couldn't feel it but I knew. And I wasn't alone. Someone was behind me, I didn't know who, but I knew it was a woman. And someone was in front of me, a young boy with dark hair and dark skin. He was crying. I recognized him. Of course I recognized him. Jacob.
I stepped forward to hug him, tell him it was okay, when there was a loud crashing sound behind me. The sound of crunching metal, so loud we both jumped.
He cried harder. He was saying something, between sobs, but I couldn't tell what it was.
Then the sirens started. I wondered, just outside the dream, how they had gotten into the forest.
I reached forward and took young Jacob's hand, and he kept shaking his head no. But I turned us around, to face the sirens and the smashed metal and the woman. There were flashes of light, red and white, against the trees but no ambulances or firetrucks. Just the flashing lights and the loud sirens. And there was a car, smashed, in the middle of a clearing. We walked towards it. The woman I'd sensed earlier was gone.
Our feet were squishing against the spongey forest floor, our footsteps muffled by the moss. I looked down. The moss was black, darkened by... something wet...
The smell of rust and salt filled my unconsious mind. The red reflected off the white of our sneakers. The blood dripped out of the car, soaking into the moss and earth.
"Mom," Jacob cried. He took a step back, trying to tug his hand out of mine. But I was the stronger one now. I tightened my grip and walked forward, dragging him behind me.
Some part of me was telling myself to stop. Jacob didn't need to see this. He needed to run and hide.
The inside of the car was dark, blood dripped through the cracks in the doors. I reached for the doorhandle, and tugged on it. The door creaked open.
The forest disappeared. We were on the beach, the waves calm, just lipping against the shore.
There was a woman in front of us, wearing a sundress that snapped against her tan legs, her long, dark hair carried on the wind.
Jacob stopped crying. I let go of his hand. We didn't go near her.
She turned then, slowly. I don't know what I was expecting. She looked like Emily, but I knew it wasn't. I knew who she was. But this was the face I'd given her.
I half expected her to be bloody. But she wasn't. She was smiling. She knelt down and held her arms out, wiggling her fingers. She was smiling at Jacob. He just stared.
Blood dripped out the corner of her mouth.
"Jacob..." She said, teasingly, waving her hands and arms frantically now. She was still smiling, but her eyes looked frightened. The blood dripped down her chin, her neck. It stained the collar of her powder blue dress. She stood, then, and her eyes rolled to the back of her skull. Her mouth hung open. She was groaning. Her head rolled to the side. "Jac...ob..." There was a crack and she crumpled to her knees. Her spine was twisted, her legs bent at awkward angles. I turned and held Jacob close to me, shielding him.
"Mom," he whispered.
My eyes snapped open. I sat bolt upright, panting. I looked at the clock on my nightstand. It was already one.
I saw movement out of the corner of my eye, and when I turned to look, I nearly jumped out of my skin.
"Edward!" I clutched my chest, trying to slow my breathing. I expected him to come to me, smooth my hair and tell me to count to one hundred.
But he sat in my rocking chair, knocking it against the wall lightly.
"Hanging out with the wrong crowd," he said, pointedly staring out of my window, avoiding my eyes, "if you're already ditching."
I half expected him to be holding a cat, stroking it as he twisted his mustache.
I stared at him, willing him to look at me. He didn't. I had really upset him, running away and then locking him out.
"I'm not sorry," I said. I'd said the same thing to Jacob yesterday, I realized. I was plenty sorry, of course, for other things. But seeing my best friend and choosing forever with the one I love were two things that I refused to be sorry for.
"I'm not either," he said. His eyes slid over to me, finally, but his expression was so distant. I blanched when I recognized that look. That's how he'd looked before he'd left. I bit back a cry as I threw my blanket aside and leapt into his lap. The chair didn't even move. I buried my face in his chest, breathing him in.
"What are you not sorry for?" I asked, my words muffled by his shirt.
"For telling Charlie," he said simply.
I froze. "You didn't."
"I did."
I leaned away, slowly, for dramatic effect, and widened my eyes, again for dramatic effect. "That's so... petty." I couldn't think of another word.
He just shrugged. I scrambled out of his lap, glaring down at him.
"You don't get to act this way," I said. I meant to word it better, to actually put the right emotion into my words and tell him how he didn't get to behave so low just because I missed my best friend and wanted to see him.
"Then neither do you," he said. His tone was so calm. I hated how he could do this, treat me like a child who wouldn't get their way. I knew that's exactly how I was acting, but I still hated it.
"No, no. I was visiting a friend. You're just jealous." I was pointing at him, squinting. I knew I shouldn't have said it, but once I did, I realized it was true.
He stared at me. No, he glared at me.
"He could kill you, Bella," he said. His voice was so low, I could barely hear him.
"So could you," I replied coolly.
He blanched. "Yes, but he's far more unstable," he stated matter-of-factly.
"Right, right." I was being an asshole. I tried not to. But I couldn't help it, not now. I was riding on my wave of anger and I'd deal with the consequences when it died. "Because if I get a paper cut, he'll break me in half."
He froze. His eyes snapped to my window, then back to me.
The wave died. I fell back on my bed, dragging my hands over my face. "I'm sorry," I said.
"No, you're right," his voice was calm. Too calm. I sat up.
"Don't leave," I said quickly. "I'm sorry." I was floundering.
"I'll be here as long as you want me," he said quietly. We watched each other for a very quiet minute.
"I am sorry." I searched his face. This wasn't normal, not for us. "I do want to visit him again, but I'll wait." I couldn't see him now. The dream was all too fresh, all too real. I knew it was exaggerated, it was a nightmare, but I still couldn't get her gaping mouth, his young boyish face out of my mind. "And I'm sorry I locked you out last night. I was pretty upset."
His whole demeanor changed and he was beside me in an instant, smoothing my hair.
"I heard," he said.
I looked up at him. "What?"
He kissed my hair. "I was at the border. Waiting for you." He glanced down at my face. "Sorry."
I buried my nose in his shoulder and breathed deep. "We were just telling bad jokes, yunno? I didn't think..." I sighed. "You didn't really tell Charlie, did you? That I ditched?"
"Ah... I told him you weren't feeling well," he said.
I laughed. "He thinks there's trouble in paradise."
"Maybe a little." He rubbed my arm, raising goosebumps. "Nothing we can't get through."
I nodded. "I love you. And I'll ask permission next time."
He chuckled, but it was hesitant. "That's... Bella, you can see him anytime you want."
I leaned away from him, staring at him in disbelief. "Seriously?"
He nodded. "I don't want it putting this wall between us. If it makes you happy, and you think it's safe to be around him..." He smiled, it was a small smile but it touched his eyes. "Although, I don't deem your decisions on what's safe and what's not to be entirely accurate. I mean, you did jump off of a cliff..."
No one was going to let that go.
"Thank you," I said. I smiled, and it turned into a grin. I all but jumped on him, mashing my lips against his.
"Ah, uh, Bella?" He gently pried me away. A small thread of saliva connected us still. He raised his eyebrows at my reaction. "If I'd known that you'd react like that I would have let up sooner." He smiled crookedly. That broke the thread.
"Sorry." I wasn't.
I wiped my face on my shirt.
"A few human minutes?" he asked as I stood from the bed.
"Yes, please." I dug some clothes out of my dirty laundry hamper, silently cursing myself for being lazy, and turned to face him.
"About my car stereo..."
He looked surprised. "Yes?"
"Did you get it?" I stared down at my socks.
"Not yet. Why?"
"I wanted Jacob to install it." I didn't look up to see his expression.
"Alright... I'll pick it up later today, if you want." And suddenly he was in front of me, his cold fingers brushing my hair out of my eyes. "Bella, you don't have to walk on eggshells around me when it comes to Jacob, alright?"
I brought my eyes up to his. The string of lights above my bed reflected like stars in his amber eyes. I melted into him, the bundle of clothes in my arms the only thing between us.
He was more than I deserved, too.
"Wait, wait." Emmett, totally immersed in my retelling of what had happened the day before, leaned forward, cutting his hand through the air like he was chopping a plank of wood. "A werewolf jumped in the middle of the road and he just walked away?"
I nodded, a little ashamed. Edward's expression was burned into my mind. I swallowed, hard, and continued, enduring his constant interruptions.
"Dude, whoa, okay." He leaned back when I had finished, hands laced behind his head. "You're my favorite sister. Hands down." He glanced up at the ceiling and mumbled, "Sorry, Alice." There was a loud thud. He ignored it.
"Don't encourage her, please," said Edward, sprawled across the sofa next to me, his head leaned back, eyes closed. I stared at his bare neck a second longer than I meant to. I blinked and looked away. "Alice, you're still my favorite."
Esme poked her head in, then, scowling. "We don't have favorites, boys."
"Yes, ma'am," they both sighed.
I smiled back at Esme, who was experimenting in the kitchen. If I knew anything about experimental chefs, it's that most of the food they make is barely edible. And this food was meant for me. "Need a hand?"
Her face lit up. "Thank you, Bella." She disappeared.
"You just don't wanna have to swallow down whatever she makes," Emmett chuckled. Edward grinned.
I threw the pillow I'd been holding at Emmett. "Shush. I just prefer enjoyable company." I sauntered into the kitchen, ignoring his eyeroll.
"So," Esme started, motioning me over to the stove, "I'm trying my hand at lasagna. The noodles are over there," she pointed to the pasta maker and a pile of mush that was way too squishy to turn into the flat noodles you needed to make lasagna, "and the sauce is over here." She removed the lid off of a large copper pot and waved it in my direction, blowing the steam towards my face. My eyes watered. I peeked into the pot. The sauce was... a dark purple. Like plum sauce. It smelled just like onion water.
I swallowed and tried to plaster on an encouraging smile. "Smells great, Esme. What do you need me to do?"
She grabbed a square fold of fabric from the counter and threw it at me; it was an apron. I slipped it over my head and secured the knots.
"You are going to take over the sauce for me. Is that alright?" She handed me a large wooden spoon. "I'm going to tackle this pasta maker." I nodded and turned to the purple water in the pot. I don't know what she used or how long this has been cooking, but I was almost positive I couldn't salvage it.
I started first by adding pepper and salt before I let it anywhere near my mouth. I dipped the spoon in and ladled some of the sauce into my mouth, closing my eyes and willing myself not to gag.
I was surprised at first, because it was oniony but sweet. Somewhere between marinara and alfredo sauce. And then the garlic sucker punched your mouth and sent you reeling. I grabbed the counter and steadied myself.
"Do you have any basil or oregano?" I asked once I could get my eyes to stop watering.
"Oh, yes, in the fridge," Esme replied. I looked back and threw my hand over my mouth to keep from laughing. Her arms and hands were tangled with strings of dough, the pasta machine spewed out wet mush. But she looked determined as she turned the crank slowly, easing the dough between the rollers.
"You need more flour," I said. I set my spoon down and gently shooed her hands away from the machine, gathering the dough and rolling it into a wet ball. "Just lay it out and put a couple scoops of flour on it, then knead it." I dropped it onto the floured cutting board, sending white puffs into the air.
"Got it." She cracked her knuckles and placed the white tub full of flour on the counter. I laughed quietly as I opened the fridge, digging for the herbs.
"Hey. Edward," I called. There was a faint breeze and he was there, leaning against the counter.
"Yes?" He leaned forward and peered into the fridge, scanning the shelves.
I dumped three large blocks of cheese into his arms, keeping the plastic containers full of basil and oregano tucked under my arm, and kicked the fridge closed.
"Grate these," I said, cracking open the containers on my way back to the stove.
"Sure thing," he said. He situated himself next to me, cheese grater and bowls placed in front of him. He peeked into the pot and his eyes widened. "Can you... eat that?"
I refrained from saying I can now and instead said, "Yes. Don't be mean." I tore the leaves apart, dumping the shredded pieces into the pot.
"It's just... it's purple." He leaned away, swiping a block of mozzarrella back and forth over the grater.
"Sometimes it is," I said, shrugging.
"Thank you, Bella," Esme said. I could hear the smile in her voice.
"Alright, alright," Edward said, nodding slowly. "I'll lay off the sauce." He paused. "So, any plans this weekend, Bella?"
I looked up from my stirring. "Should I have plans?"
He heaved his shoulders in a great sigh, all for dramatic effect, I figured. "The reservation...?"
I blinked and turned my attention back to the pot. "I... didn't plan on going. I was just going to go if I got the urge." I peeked up at him through my hair.
He rolled his eyes and gave me a questioning look. Why the sudden interrogation? Did he want to get rid of me this weekend?
"Alice?"
He said it, not me.
"Mostly," I said. I placed the lid back on the pot and leaned against the counter, watching him work. "Do you want me to go?"
He shrugged. "I'll be hunting. I don't want you to be bored."
Nope. This was weird. I glanced at Esme, who was currently beating the dough to a pulp, and figured interrogating him wouldn't work with her here. I sighed and folded my arms over my chest.
He's always gone hunting, leaving me alone to entertain myself. Was there something I missed? Something he'd told me recently, future plans?
I chewed my lip, staring angrily at the pile of cheese building in the bowl.
He caught my look, but didn't say anything.
We worked in silence after that, the bubbling of the sauce and the grating of the cheese the only sounds in the large kitchen.
The silence was finally broken by Esme's gleeful clapping. We looked up from our designated work stations to see her proudly holding four sheets of pasta, treating them as delicately as butterfly wings.
"The flour was a big help, Bella," she said as she laid the first sheet in a glass casserole dish. She stopped and looked up at me. "I'm not entirely sure how a lasagna is put together."
"You're doing it right. Is there any meat?" I asked. She shook her head.
"I figured, I'm a vegetarian, I should make vegetarian meals," she said, laughing at herself.
"Bella's not a vegetarian," Edward said, placing the three bowls next to Esme.
I crinkled my nose at him. "I love vegetarian lasagna." I brought the pot of sauce over, and began ladeling it onto the noodles. "You can leave now, Edward. Esme and I got this." I winked at Esme, who winked back.
Edward's eyes went between the two of us. "Alright..." He dusted his hands off and left, shrugging. "I'll be in the garage with Jasper."
Once he was gone, Esme began sprinkling the mozzarella into the dish. I waited and listened, careening my neck towards the garage. There was a low rumble. The bike. He shouldn't be able to hear us now.
I worried the inside of my cheek, debating on how to be casual about my questions.
"Bella," Esme said, once she set the bowl down. "Edward doesn't want you to know where he's going this weekend, so please don't ask me." She was smiling apologetically. She couldn't even let me down without smiling.
I sighed, blowing my hair out of my eyes. "Sorry." I wasn't. "I shouldn't have even thought about asking."
She pat my hand and then gently picked up the second sheet of dough. "No, it's quite alright. I really do want to tell you." She delicately pushed it down over the cheese and sauce. Her hands rested in the dish as she watched me. "I hate secrets, too. And I don't entirely approve of his actions, not lately. I know he thinks he's doing what's best for you, but..." She bit her lip and wiped her hands down the front of her apron.
"Esme..." I poured more purple sauce over the dough and tried to decide the best way to phrase my next question. "Are the rest of you mad at me for going to the reservation?"
She looked shocked, as if she hadn't been expecting me to ask her that. She tapped her nails against the counter, staring into the dish. "Not... all of us. Alice and Edward are the only ones who are mad, but..." She picked up another bowl, the parmesan, and scooped out a handful, shaking her hand over the dish. The little white curls fell like snow. "Rose and Jasper think you're crazy, or foolish. Or both." She laughed, and it was so light and tinkly I had to laugh, as well. "But Carlisle and I think-if you do, as well-that it's perfectly safe. They care about you, as we do. We wouldn't want to take away your other family who was there for you when we weren't."
I smiled, staring at my hands. I could feel the tears pricking my eyes, the blood rush to my cheeks. "Thank you. I thought..." I shook my head, pushing the thought away. "What about Emmett?"
She upturned the bowl, dumping the rest of the cheese in. She spread it around evenly. "He's curious, I think."
I leaned forward, placing my elbows on the counter, balancing my chin in my palm. "Waiting to see if they actually do snap," I mumbled.
She almost dropped the bowl. "Bella." She smoothed her apron, then her hair. "If... if they do lose control..." Her mouth was a hard line. I don't think I'd ever seen her so... disappointed. In me. "More than anything, we would have to talk Edward down. We don't want to fight with the Quiluetes. Both parties would lose someone. I couldn't... If you're expecting them to put you in harms way, I will take action. Are you expecting them to do anything?" She stared at me, and suddenly I was a small child and she was my stern mother and I was not used to these circumstances. Renee was the exact opposite of a stern mother.
I swallowed. The taste of the sauce still lingered on my tongue. "N-no. I'm not." I stood up straight, avoiding her gaze. "I'm sorry." I'd been saying that a lot these days.
She let out the breath she'd been holding. "I am too. I don't like using my mother tone." She laughed. "I've never even been a mother..."
I stared at the counter. I didn't know what to say to that. I thought about ignoring her comment, but... She'd actually treated me like a daughter, while my mother was across the country. I suddenly felt like I owed her. But more than anything, I wanted to comfort her. To tell her that she was a mother to me.
I reached out and took her hand. "You have. You are."
Her cold hand closed around mine. "I know I am. But I've always wanted to... to raise my own child. My kids all came to me well into their adolescence. I always loved toddlers..." Her head was tilted to the side, her chestnut hair spilling over her shoulder like a waterfall. She was deep in thought. After a while, her eyes slowly rose to meet mine and she shook her head, her hair rippled. She smiled, apologetically, and laughed.
"I just wanted to make a lasagna," she said.
"Thank you," Edward said, sighing into my hair. He was stretched out across my bed, I was curled against his side, wrapped up inside the quilt from my mom.
I looked up at him, my nose brushing his chin. "For what?"
"Helping Esme, talking with her..." He let his sentence hang in the air between us. Realization suddenly hit me. It didn't matter to me that he would hear her thoughts about what I was going to ask, just that he didn't interrupt us as we were talking. I hadn't even thought he would hear our conversation after the fact.
I nodded, my lips pressed together. "Did she feel any better?"
He chuckled, and I could feel it rumble through his chest. "Yes, she did. After you left, she started dog earring the cookbook, figuring you'd like to help her with at least twenty-five different recipes."
I laughed, curling my fingers around his. "If it makes her happy."
"It will. No one else eats and she loves to cook."
I stared at the blanket, tracing the pattern of the stitching with the tip of my finger. "I have to know. Has she ever tried cooking with blood?" I'm not sure if my question was serious or if I was kidding. But I was curious.
There was a long pause and I was afraid that I'd offended him but when I looked at his face, he looked almost horrified.
He closed his eyes and nodded, his mouth a thin line. "Yes," he whispered.
I didn't push it. His reaction was enough. I hid a laugh behind my hand.
"You don't have to worry," he said after about a minute of silence, "about where I'm going this weekend. Emmett, Jasper, and I are going hunting. I promise."
"You promise... you're going hunting?" I propped myself up on my elbow, eyeing him. "Can you promise that you're not doing anything else?"
He watched me, his fingers playing with the ends of my hair. He tugged gently and said, "No."
I slapped his hand away from my hair and sat up, pushing my blanket off. I pulled my hair over my shoulder and ran my fingers through it. "Fine. Can you promise that you'll be safe?"
He didn't miss a beat. "Yes." His fingers traced my spine through my shirt, sending shivers running through me. "You don't have to worry, Bella. We'll be safe."
"Then why can't you tell me?"
He didn't say anything. I had half a mind to kick him out, but decided that one lonely, sleepless night this week was enough.
"Is it Victoria?" I looked at him over my shoulder. He was staring at his hand, running along my back still.
"It could be," he said quietly. "I won't say anymore."
I groaned and fell back on my bed. He quickly moved his legs before my back hit them.
"Why do you want me to go to the reservation?"
He stayed silent.
"Edward, this is a two-way street. You can't interrogate me if I can't interrogate you." I rolled over on my side and stared at him.
He laughed and folded his legs underneath him, criss-cross apple sauce.
"You are interrogating me. I'm just following a rule of thumb." He tilted his head and smiled. "Loose lips sink ships?"
"That's not a rule of thumb, that's an expression that the mafia uses to scare its subordinates," I said. "'Talk shit, get hit' is another winner."
He raised his eyebrows. "Potty mouth," he said, jokingly, but there was an underlying tone that I couldn't quite place.
My immediate response to that was shut the fuck up, because I would have definitely said that to Jake. I laughed and rolled over, lying on my stomach, and buried my face in my blankets.
"I'll stop asking questions," I said, my voice muffled by the quilt. "And I'll go to the rez this weekend."
"Good," he said. I could hear the smile in his voice.
I sat up then, suddenly. He reached out to catch me or grab me, I wasn't sure. He didn't look sure either.
"You want me to see Jake because I'll be safe," I said. It wasn't a question.
He slowly put his arms down, resting them on his knees. "You said it, not me." His voice was tight, he was forcing a smile.
"Does that mean you won't be safe?" I stared at him. I was hoping my stare was a little intimidating, but he showed no signs of that. Instead, he tensed.
"Bella, I do not break my promises," he said stiffly.
I bit my lip. I didn't bring up the one time he'd actually broken a promise and it nearly killed us. I continued with my argument.
"Then why won't I be safe?" I asked.
"You said you'd stop asking questions," he said, his tone calmer now, almost mocking.
"I lied."
"Bella..." He sighed. "It's not your problem."
I blanched. "Not my problem? I'm in danger if I'm not at La Push, right? How is that not my problem?" He just stared at me, his expression tired. "I'm worried about you, Edward. I'd tell you if I was going somewhere that wasn't safe."
"You ran away, without telling me, to Jacob Black's house," he countered. He leaned against the headboard, folding his arms over his chest, waiting for my other argument.
"Because it's safe there. You're literally sending me there this weekend to keep me out of harms way." I tucked my legs underneath me and leaned back, sighing. He usually said all the right things, yet here he was, countering his own arguments.
"Seattle." He was staring at my ceiling now.
"What?"
"Seattle. That's where we're going. We'll... eat on the way. We want to check on the situation down there, before the Volturi get involved."
I stared at him. I opened my mouth, closed it. "You'll be okay?" That was really all I wanted to know.
"We'll be fine. Jasper was going to go on his own, at first, but Alice convinced him to let us tag along." He leaned forward and pulled me into his arms. "I didn't want you to worry. I'm sorry. All you've been doing is worrying." We were in our previous position, but I was on top of him now.
I snuggled into him. "I won't worry. You promised you'd be safe." I yawned, and in one swift movement he pulled my quilt around me.
"Get some sleep." He kissed the top of my head. "You have school tomorrow."
I groaned. "Don't remind me."
"You're complaining?" He laughed quietly. I felt like he was talking in a more charming manner than usual, trying to lull me to sleep. It was weird, but it was working. "I've been to school countless times. How many times have I even taken this science class? I don't remember." His voice was distant now, both to me but also because he was probably actually remembering his previous schoolyears. I made a mental note to count the graduation caps they had hanging up in their house, and let him know how many times he'd taken our science class.
Stroking my hair, he began humming my lullaby, his voice weaving itself in and out of my passing moments of conciousness.
"Sweet dreams," he whispered into my ear once my breathing had become slower. "My Bella."