Six months is a lot of time to be spending like that. Alone, no one to accompany me but my thoughts. The pain, the guilt, seeing their faces every night. Sometimes I didn't sleep for days, unable to do anything but curl up in a corner, shivering, begging for this nightmare to stop, for someone to come and collect me in their arms, tell me everything would be all right. Sometimes I wished for that to be you. But it never would be, I still know that. It was Jonah.
I did truly love him, and some part of me believes he loved me too. But all you saw was a traitor, someone who wasn't loyal to you and your cause. It was as if those months in the void, the torture I endured didn't matter anymore. I had to be perfect and that's what it always boiled down to. No amount of loyalty shown mattered if you slid, only once, only slightly. That's not what it was like before, but it was like that now.
I still remember what you said when I woke up in medbay after taking flash. How you held my hand, telling me you'd be with me. That you'd stand by me. I expected to be thrown off the ship after that, but it seemed you could forgive me, keep me on and let me make mistakes just like any other human being. That gave me the strength to continue, that and that alone. Because it was all the support you ever gave me. All those promises of standing by me, every step of the way, they never happened. Those nights filled with cramps and cravings, I remember shaking, trembling, screaming, crying my eyes out, every night for so long. I didn't go back on flash because of what you'd said. Somewhere, some part of me still hoped that you'd come and support me like you said you would.
But you were crumbling even then, the image of the man you was disappearing. I think you asked me once how I was holding up, a few days after going on flash. I told you it was really hard, that I didn't know if I could cope. Do you have any idea how much it took for me to say that? How hard it was not to tell you I was all right, but I thought you wanted the truth, that you wanted to know how I felt so you could help me. Oh, how I regretted saying it when I saw the look in your eyes. An uncomfortable stare, mumbled words as you told me you were sure I could do it. And then you left. That night was the night the cramps got so bad I was sure I was going to die and I didn't even have a lingering wish to carry me through it. That was when I knew I was truly alone. You never asked again.
When I first met you I thought you were crazy, an idealistic hero, coming from another time to save the universe. It sounded stupid, like a bad children's tale. But then we stayed, and I got to know you. Somehow you grew on me. The idealistic hero seeming more and more like just a man with a dream. A dream I thought I might be able to share. But then you changed. Became more interested in all the exotic women you could pick up instead of the one always standing by you. It took me nearly a year after my flash incident occurred before I realised you were never going to stand by me. Some part of me kept hoping you'd come and tell me it was ok now, that you'd just gone crazy for a while and you were back, back to who you'd been before. But it never happened, and there was no one else to turn to either. Tyr, that was not even imaginable. Despite the attraction going on between us, that's all it ever was. A mutual respect and a heap of sexual tension. Harper, he had always depended too much on me. Back then, I still saw him as a little brother, someone who I would help, not the other way around. Rev, he helped me through a lot. Then he left. Trance, she changed too much. She went golden and suddenly I didn't know her anymore.
So ever since then, I have been truly alone. Hiding the pain from everyone, including myself. And still, after I knew you didn't care about me, I still did the unimaginable for you. I slept with Leydon to get your stupid heart. I basically sold my body, gave it up for trash, something I hadn't even done in the worst scenarios in the past when we desperately needed money. There was Abel, who I truly, deeply loved but gave up a life with because of you. To stay on Andromeda. Then Tyr left us, left me, taking another little part of me away. I don't know if he even cared. And then, a year ago, I did it again. Sold my body for you by sleeping with Tyr. By then this attraction was already gone, replaced with some form of…I don't know what. And I wasn't surprised when he didn't even question my sudden willingness to give myself to him but went after me and took me like just another one of his lovers. Then he tried to sell me to the abyss. Well, sht happens. It wasn't worse than the things you've done to me over the years.
This was what went through my mind, over and over when I was alone there, floating through space. The things I had done for you and you didn't even seem to notice. I even told you that once, and was rewarded with a blank, indifferent stare. I know you went straight back onto screwing the bimbo of the week after that. And still, something compelled me to stay around. And I had a lot of time to question that decision now, and have come up with only one answer.
Because I loved you, once. The first year, before I started taking flash, I loved you. I knew you were still pining for Sarah, but I thought I could wait, that you would get over her and turn to someone else. And you did, but Divine knows it wasn't me, or even any other woman that you loved. It was someone new all the time, always young and beautiful. I saw you with them and a little piece of me died each time. So I did the worst imaginable and turned to your counterpart – Tyr. I didn't even love him. Sexual attraction has nothing to do with love, but I didn't care. And of course he turned me down firmly. Well as firmly as he could seeing as I never literally suggested anything, but he made his feelings pretty clear. Until that time when we did…well, he had changed then. Just like you. I hadn't expected anything else than refusal, so maybe it was just my own tendencies of getting myself into situations where I'll get hurt. I'm self-destructive, always has been. Especially when it comes to love.
I wish you were still him, the man that I loved. Still love. But you're not. That man has gone a long time ago, lost in a memory. We have all changed, but you most of all. Saying that, I don't know any of them anymore. Harper has grown up so much and while I always sort of wished that would happen, it's like he's not my friend anymore. Trance has been changed for a very long time, I'm used to not having her around. Rhade I never knew. He was just a new Tyr to me, some form of poor replica. And then there was you. The man who once told me he'd be with me every step of the way, now only talking to me if he wants something. I've almost forgotten who you used to be. I've almost forgotten who I am, and I have nowhere to run from it all. Seefra, this hellhole, this place where everyday is torture. Or the Maru, my beloved home and feared prison. My life has taken too many unexpected turns, too much fighting and I can't do it anymore. I have no more strength to fight.
Two bottles in my hands, one very big one filled with vodka and a smaller one filled with a milky white liquid I have craved for nearly four years. I'm not trying to fool myself anymore with the, "Only a little bit, I can stop" routine. When I take it, I will keep taking it until I die. Because now, here, on Seefra, no friends, no family I have nothing to live for anymore. All I want now is to die so high that I don't even realise it. The vodka's just here for good measure. I put the bottle to my lips and scrunch up my face as the stale taste hits the back of my throat. I then gently open the other bottle, hesitating only for a moment. Should I do this? Sadly, I can't find a reason not to. Thinking about all the reasons I once had, none of them are left. I gently pick the vial up and hold it over my eyes.
Drip. Drip. The stairway to heaven or the road to hell? I don't care. Because now, here, it'll all end.
As I drift off, I don't regret a thing.