Full Circle

Phoebsfan

Summery: Maybe it's the rebel in him that refuses to believe or maybe he just can't live with the reality, either way he's going to change it.

Rating: T

AN: Not sure how far this goes. Started as a oneshot but there will be a chapter added for Jo's reality as well. If it goes anywhere after that we will just have to see.

Full circle, he thinks as he tries not to watch them eat dinner together like a little family. Carter, Jo, and Jenna sitting around a table together. Jo a little too close to Carter. All of them a little too happy,

He gets it.

Finally.

It feels like someone has picked his world up, shaken the hell out of it, and is laughing as they stomp on any bits that remain undamaged. Feels like sandpaper on an open wound. The worst bit of emotional road rash he can imagine, little bits of gravel digging in deep.

And they weren't even technically together back then. He had left knowing that she might not wait for him. That she might not love him or even want him around after six months on Titan. He was only gone for a blink, didn't really even have time to miss her.

But watching her with another man.

Gutted.

Yeah, that's the term for what he's feeling. Like someone sliced him open and just took everything.

So he gets it. That sadness in her eyes. The anger. Why she might have been hesitant to commit to anything serious with him.

He must have looked like emotional suicide to her back then. Like a one way ticket back to this hellish place he is currently residing in. Look but don't touch. Watch as the one thing you want is so close but so unobtainable.

He could never fathom looking at her could hurt so much. Even before they were together, catching her from the corner of his eye had always been a pleasure. Watching her move, imagining her in his space. When they had gotten together, the image of her under her clothing replacing the fantasy. He never imagined that looking at her now would feel like a knife to his gut, like a train wreck he can't pull his eyes from. Even as they burn from her presence.

Maybe he never thought she would have that power over him. But she does. God, does she. With her hair pulled back in that ponytail he's just dying to let loose, tangle his fingers in and get lost in the memory. Push her against the wall and feel his way back into her heart. Mark her as his.

He's never felt so damn territorial over a woman before. He's turning into a damn pussy.

Carter laughs drawing Zane's attention from her.

His stomach turns, and he pushes his plate away from him as he grips the edge of the counter with is free hand. Knuckles white. Jaw clenched. Torn between wanting to vomit and beating the shit out of the other man. The man whose hands have run all over her private places. Who shares a life along with the privilege of sleeping in her bed, holding her close all night. Waking up next to her, sliding in close and...

God, he wishes he could bleach the image from his mind. Erase it all completely.

This might be worse. At least she hadn't come back to find him head over heels with another woman.

At least he had spared her that. Though he flirted and played with other women, he'd never been serious about any of them. It hurts worse that Carter is his friend. He would never have gone for one of her friends.

Except... he had. Zoe. Karma is a bitch after all. A vindictive manipulative bitch he'd like nothing more than to kick in the fucking face.

The door chimes as Allison pushes it open, forcing his eyes away. He watches as she hesitates. He knows her stomach is probably just as sick as his. Bets she is second guessing the idea of dinner too. Wondering if she can make a clean get away.

He honestly has no clue how she does it. How she can watch them up close everyday. He wonders what she ever did to piss off fate. Cause it is screwing her big time. Not only did she lose the man she loved but she lost her family too.

He kind of knows how she feels.

Friends.

Like that is fucking likely.

Carter waves her over to the table and she gives her impression of a smile before trudging over to the happy family who are standing and pushing in chairs like they are getting ready to leave.

"We were just finishing up, but we could stick around if you-" Jo offers uncomfortably as Jenna throws her arms around her mother's waist.

"No, I'm just picking up an order. I've got a lot left to do tonight." Allison interrupts.

"But we'll see you tomorrow?" Carter asks. Allison nods and Zane loses interest.

It's too ugly. Like some Greek tragedy. Watching Dr. Blake fall on a sword repeatedly is not his idea of entertainment. Especially not when it mimics his life so very well.

He picks up his fork, pushes his food around the plate. Wonders if it ever gets easier. If one day he won't feel like hell when he looks at her. Won't still crave being in the same space with her. Won't miss her voice. Her laugh. Her... God...

He hadn't even told her he loved her. Hadn't made any kind of promise. He isn't supposed to feel like she still owns him when she never had.

He wishes now that he would have done something, said something. It wouldn't have changed anything, but it might have made him feel a little less shitty. Like maybe things would have been different had she known he loved her. Like maybe she would have waited longer.

Not likely, but he is desperate to cling to any little hope that would have changed his reality. Something to justify the hollow feeling. Something to warm his bitter soul. A reason to fucking sleep at night.

He wishes there was someone to blame. Himself for not seeing what was in front of him all those years? No, because he probably would have broken her heart. Her for moving on, for making him fall for her in the first place? No, because as soon as his eyes fall on her the fire burns out. He can't stay mad at her. Four years was a long time, especially after losing him once before. He can't blame her for not wanting to feel like this anymore.

"How do you do it?" He asks when the group leaves and Allison slumps into a seat down the counter from him.

"What?" She plays innocent and he shoots her a look, calling her on it.

"One day at a time?"

It comforts him that she doesn't have a clue either.

It's just too damn unreal. Like he's entered some alternate reality. If he could just wake up, the nightmare would end. Maybe she'd be next to him.

What he'd give to pull her close and tell her the things he never said.

"It still doesn't feel real." He mutters under his breath.

"But it is..." She sighs.

Shit, it is.

Maybe it's the rebel in him that refuses to believe or maybe he just can't live with the reality, either way he's going to change it. He's not just going to stand back and watch like Jo did. Like they all did.

He's going to fight until she gives in. Or at least until she listens.

He can't live like this. He won't.