Ishmael was sitting in a tavern drinking some scotch. It had been a year since the incident with Captain Ahab, and he'd done his best to drink away the painful memories. He tried to move on with his life, and even got a job as a simple fish monger in a little town. He drank another sip of scotch, and another memory of the white whale and the crazy captain went away with it. He was scarred, but he was content.
He was about to order another drink, when a man then rushed inside the tavern and looked at him. "Are you Ishmael?" he asked looking at him. It was the first time he'd ever seen the man, but he had a frightful look on his face. He nodded. "Yes," he replied, "what of it?" The man was about to say something, but then a giant harpoon rammed into his chest.
Ishmael spat out his drink.
The stranger fell to his knees, falling to the floor dead. A man then walked up behind him and pulled the harpoon out. It was an old man, with untamed white hair and beard, and a metal leg. Ishmael couldn't believe his eyes.
"Captain Ahab?!" he yelled, nearly falling down as soon as he stood up.
"Surprise, motha-fucka!" Ahab yelled. He rushed over to Ishmael and gave him a tight manly embrace. "How've you been doing, ya pussy?" he asked breathing down Ishmael's neck.
"I've been..." Ishmael almost answered, then he remembered what was going on. "What the hell are you doing here?" he pushed Ahab away. "You just killed a man in cold blood! And shouldn't you be dead?"
"That man was French," Ahab explained, calmly nodding at the corpse. Ishmael slightly understood why he killed him now. He then shook his head. "I saw you go down with the white whale! It killed you!"
"Funny story," Ahab began as he sat down on a stool next to Ishmael. He picked up a drink and chugged it in one swig. "See when the whale got me, I thought I was done for. Then I remembered my knife and cut myself free from the harpoon's cord. I then started swimming down to kill the great beast with only my knife, when I saw it."
"It?" Ishmael asked.
"The unholy monster of the deep," Ahab continued, "the one creature that haunts the shores of Japan. The monster no men dare talk about. The one monster that could dare to best the white whale in combat!"
"What?"
"GODZILLA!" Ahab shouted. "A giant lizard monster twice the size of the whale! It raised up and snatched the whale and ate it in one gulp!"
"A giant lizard...?" Ishmael inquired as he took a swig of another scotch.
"Aye," Ahab agreed. "And since it killed the white whale, it's up to me to kill it!"
"You're insane!"
"And you're a pussy! Now let's go!"
"Why do I have to go?"
"'Cause if ya don't, I'll ram this harpoon so far up your ass you'll be crappin' it out for weeks."
"...okay..."
Ahab grabbed Ishmael and then dragged him over to the docks. Ahab then threw Ishmael in a dingy and started to row them out to sea.
"Wait...aren't we gonna get a crew?" Ishmael asked.
"Last time I did that they wound up dead. Nope, the key to hunting big monsters is a small boat."
"That doesn't sound right..." Ishmael then noticed they were rowing incredibly fast. "Ahab...how are you rowing us so quickly? It's only been a minute and we're already a mile from shore."
"Well ya see," Ahab spat out, "I washed to shore on the beaches of Japan. My body was pretty much completely destroyed, so an eccentric Japanese doctor and his sexy, busty, robot, schoolgirl wives rebuilt me and made me a cyborg. That's why I got the metal leg now. While I was there I learned all about Godzilla, and how to kill him."
"That's...interesting."
"I also contracted syphilis."
"And I'm done."
They rowed for a few more hours until finally Ahab stopped. "It's here..." he growled. Ahab then stood up and picked up his harpoon. He took off his jacket and rolled his neck.
"What should I do?" Ishmael asked.
"Don't puss out like a bitch," Ahab told him. "Now I shall summon the beast." Ahab then got down in a squatting position and breathed in. "MOTHRA IS THE GREATEST MONSTER EVER!" he shouted.
Suddenly the sea began to bubble all around them. Ishmael held tightly to the small dingy as a giant monster began to burst out of the sea. A giant lizard of unparalleled size began to emerge from the water. It towered over them, and then looked down at them.
"Roar roar!" Godzilla shouted.
"GODZILLA!" Ahab yelled as he ripped off his other shirt. "Come get some!"
"You can't kill that thing with a harpoon!" Ishmael yelled at him.
"This is more than a harpoon," he yelled back. Ahab then aimed the harpoon at Godzilla. A bright red laser beam then shot out from the tip of the harpoon. "LASER HARPOON, MOTHA FUCKA!" Ahab yelled triumphantly. Godzilla then doubled back, but regained his composure. He looked down at Ahab, fury in his giant eyes.
"I will kill you yet!" Ahab yelled. He then ripped off another shirt, and jumped up using his cyborg strength. Ahab's legs turned to turbo jets, and he flew up and started firing more lasers at the monster. Godzilla fired a giant beam at him, but Ahab dodged it and kicked Godzilla in the daddy bags. Godzilla fell again. Meanwhile Ishmael was in the dingy, pissing his pants.
"For the honor of my forefathers!" Ahab yelled. Which was weird, 'cause Ishmael could have sworn Ahab's forefathers had nothing to do with this. "I will now use the sacred technique. Harpoon of fiery passiooooooon desu~!"
Ahab's harpoon then grew ten times its regular size, and then he rammed it straight into the beast's heart. Godzilla's eyes went up into its skull, and it gave out one last "roar" before it sank to the bottom of the sea. Dead.
"I have such a boner," Ahab triumphantly whispered as he flew back down to Ishmael, who had wet himself.
"Why was I needed to see this?" he asked.
"Because someone needs to tell everyone about this. I need a wing man."
"Can I go home now?"
"In a minute. First we gotta get rid of Cthulhu!"
And so they did.
The End
(Wow you actually read through the entire thing. Congrats, man! Being in the "Moby Dick" section of fanfiction is one thing, but to read this all the way through. You got balls, kid. BALLS! Now go do your homework.)