Happy Birthday Dazai Osamu! With BSD Season 3 episode 11 airing this week, what better way is to celebrate?

Hope you enjoy. Don't read this if you're uncomfortable, I apologize.

I don't own Bungou Stray Dogs, obviously.

Memento Mori

It means 'remember death'.

You must die.

You are mortal.

Very morbid, don't you think?

As I walk towards the bridge, I see my reflection on the clear water on this cold winter night. What a perfect what to die, nobody to stop me from making my wish a reality.

I know it will upset everyone at the Agency, probably blaming themselves for not saving me. The only person who is to blame for this is me. They are all good people, wanting to do the right thing. If only I had that motivation.

The color of red, the sound of gunshots, bodies lying motionless, the scars on my body... every path I take ends in despair.

I close my eyes as I was about to end this journey of torment, then...

"Dazai."

I opened my eyes, my body froze. That voice, is familiar...

I turned around, much to my shock, it was Odasaku.

Alive.

Here, with me on this winter night.

No, it can be, he's dead. The voice in my head hissed. It's all a freaking dream. You're imagining things, Dazai.

"You're not dreaming, Dazai."

Odasaku's voice snapped me out of my thoughts, it was the same calm, deep voice four years ago. Like it was only yesterday.

"Why are you here, Odasaku?" I said flatly. "Don't even try to say 'I want to help you', because it won't work on me."

"I know." The voice was kind, never changing, the look on his face, it wasn't disappointment. It was regret. "I came here because I want you to understand."

"Understand, about what? There's nothing left to understand Odasaku."

"Yes, there is. Is death really the only way to end whatever you're feeling?"

"Death is the only way, Odasaku there's nothing after death." I said. "That's just the way it is."

"But there is more to death than people might think, life doesn't end after death, Dazai."

Why? Why is he saying all of this to me? Nobody has ever went through this emptiness like I have. How can there be more to death?

"How can you say that? You're not even alive, Odasaku."

"That is true." He said, he then put his hand in his heart. "But I do know is that those memories you had will go away. I'm pretty sure you know that by now, haven't you?"

This is all too much, how could anyone understand what I through? Nobody cares, nobody does.

I clenched my fists, for years my life has been nothing but emptiness. The lies, the secrets, the excuses, the fake smiles. All of it was fake. "Four years, four long years of me trying to find a reason to live. Everything is just one disappointment after another, Odasaku. I try to be a better man, believe me I tried. It's just... I'm tired." I'm tired of living.

"Don't you get, Odasaku? The only reason why joined the Agency is because of you, It's always been you! I lived for you! To keep your legacy alive, I did it for you!" I srceamed, again and again and again. My hands were on my head, eyes tightly closed as I fall on my knees.

You always been a good, honest man Odasaku. I'm nothing more than a monster with human skin.

I look up to see Odasaku's blue eyes staring at me, like the summer sky never losing its color. "You didn't have to live for me, you didn't need to."

I didn't... need to?

"Dazai, do you hate me?" Odasaku asked.

"No," I said quitely, "I never hated you."

The only person who I hate is myself.

"Why?"

Because, I'm not like you. I'm not like everyone else, I'm don't feel what you feel." My lips were in a tight line. I don't have what you have: emotions, a heart. What makes me human, I'm... I'm not alive.

Suddenly, I felt a warm embrace around me, I look up to see the most important person in my life hugging me.

"Dazai, you don't have to be me. You're already human, you just didn't realize it yet. There are people who love you, even when they don't show it." His voice was kind and gentle. "You are alive." He put his hand on my chest, what caught me off guard was his smile. It was beautiful, more than any jewel in the whole world.

I close my eyes, taking in the warmth of this irreplaceable moment. If this is a dream, don't wake me up.

As I drifted off to sleep, I tell Odasaku, "What do I do now?"

"Now, you live."

Live.

Yeah, I'll try. I will.

"Thank you."

For the first time in a long time, Dazai's tears were real, as well as his smile.

"I know."