Well your faith was strong, but you needed proof. You saw her bathing on the roof, her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you.
She tells me that one day she'll stop working, but that day never comes.
She tells me that we'll some day settle down, in a cabin by the lake, but we never do.
Nothing compares to a quiet evening at home, alone with her, but I must be dreaming again, because it no longer happens.
There was a time when I would feel her hands upon me, see her face in the pitch black dark and her words would always disappear into the night.
Why do we lie, to hurt so much?
I once asked her to close her eyes and make believe that I was the one who she always wanted to be with. "Feel this. My heart it beats for only you, my heart is yours." Buffy never did let herself feel. 'You're not ready for what's to come.' She would always say and in secret, wish for me to be gone. Not for one second, did she ever let me think that there was no where else she'd rather be, than with me. 'Any where is better than this.' Was she using me? Was I just her little decoy?
Baby I've been here before, I've seen this room and I've walked this floor. I used to live alone before I knew you.
We were born for this, for each other. No matter how tough it is, no matter how bad things get, even if it doesn't make any sense at all, this was always how it was intended to be. Why do we live like this? All I've ever wanted was her arms like towers around me, keeping me safe, giving me life again, for she has sucked me dry.
"Go away!" She glares down, eyes glued to the floor, ashamed of her own words. "Never gonna happen." I say and try to get her to look at me. She's not sorry, she'll never be sorry, if she had the chance to, she would do it all over again.
I don't know how I'm supposed to act when she's not here, I don't know how I'm supposed to feel.
"You're suffocating me, I can't breathe. Why won't you just leave me alone?" I am outside, looking in. Her anger, her hatred towards me, it's growing stronger and stronger every day and the worst part about it is that I don't know what I did wrong. "That my life on occasion happen to suck beyond the telling of it, isn't something I should have to explain to you, every time things get weird." Buffy always fights with her bare hand, but not with me. When she fights with me, she uses her words and that's all she needs to throw me completely off track.
It's not just her life that 'on occasion happen to suck.' No, it's all of us. "Don't you think I know that?" she blurts out. "It's not fair, life's not fair and it isn't fair for you to sit there and judge me for all that I am." But it isn't for what she is, it's for all that she has become. This is not how you solve problems and deep down I know that Buffy knows that. I've got a lot to say to her, but I never seem to find the words. There are things that I will never know and time have moved me into thinking that it's time for me to let them go. It's been too hard living and yet I'm afraid to die.
"This means nothing to you, tell me you don't care, tell me!" she never gives me that satisfaction. If I say it and it's really over I don't know what I would do with myself. "Stay with me, you're all I need." she says she doesn't care disappears for days.
I am nothing now.
It's not a cry that you hear at night, it's not somebody who's seen the light. It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah.
Sometimes I feel so alone. It feels like I've been down this road before. It's so very lonely and cold. As soon as I go home and close the door, it kind of feels like deja vú.
I do want to get out of this place, I really do. So she lies to me, big fucking deal.
She tells me that she'll marry me and as I climb into an empty bed… oh well enough said.