It was a small apartment in Astoria. In an impressive old mansion that had long ago been converted into separate dwelling units. The hardwood floors were creaky, the walls slightly crooked. It had its own private stone staircase up to the front door, with a porch that had an unimpressive view of the street down below: Cars parked on both sides of the road, run-down businesses, and bumper to bumper traffic crawling forward. If she looked far into the distance, she could see the building where she had lived and worked years ago, back before she ever could have suspected what would become of her.
The apartment was located on the second floor of the house, looking down on this view but also separate from it. While the neighbourhood was run down and dirty, she had done her best to turn her new home into a thing of simplistic beauty. Hanging baskets of lilacs and a flower bed of red roses brightened the tiny grey porch. A bench swing swayed gently in the autumn breeze, the wind chimes sang, a bird flew in and out of the pretty blue and yellow birdhouse that she had built and painted with her grandson. There was a colourful welcome mat in front of the door and a heavy black stone table that held a half-filled ashtray.
It was a humble little place, but it was impressive in its own way. Nothing was expensive, everything was simply done. Nearly everything had been purchased second hand, and the living room set and table had come from her son's house when they decided to upgrade. However, the apartment was immaculately cared for, clean, and organized. To its four residents, it was paradise. The perfect place to welcome them home each and every day.
"Are you sure you're going to be okay, Mama?" Vasily asked skeptically, as he pulled his beater car up against the curb and put it into park.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Red asked, looking slightly affronted. Her hands clasped around the handle of the black purse she was holding in her lap. Inwardly, she cringed as she felt her son's concerned eyes weigh down upon her.
She'd overstayed her welcome and now they were worried about her. Her grandchildren had already been tucked into their beds, her daughter-in-law had gone upstairs to brush her teeth and change into her pajamas, yet Red still hadn't been in a hurry to leave them alone. It hadn't been until Lida had suggested she make her up a bed on the couch if she wanted to stay over, that Red had realized her lingering had been noticed and made a remark about not realizing the time.
"You've just never been on your own," Vasily explained. He drummed his fingers against the steering wheel and raised his eyebrows at her. "You could just come back with me. Lida wanted to watch a movie."
"And you want your mother interrupting the only alone time you get with your wife?" Red asked wryly. She knew her son was just trying to do her a favour, sensing her apprehension at staying by herself at the apartment. It might feel like home, but that was dependent on having it filled with loved ones. She'd never spent the night there all by herself.
Vasily shrugged, a faint blush percolating his cheeks. "It's just one night," he replied. "And you're always welcome, you know that, Ma. Whatever you need."
"Gloria and the boys are away for three nights," she informed them.
"We could each do a shift?" he suggested unhelpfully with a smirk.
"That would mean Yuri would have to be around longer than it takes him to inhale a free meal, and Maxim would have to stop hanging out at your father's house constantly," Red said bitterly.
"Give it time," Vasily said softly.
"How much longer?" she asked quietly.
"As long as it takes," Vasily replied. "It's going to take some adjustment. Good and bad, everything is different now."
"That's an understatement," Red muttered.
"You've changed too," Vasily reminded her.
Red sat up a little straighter in the passenger seat of his car and squeezed her purse a little tighter. Everyone said she had changed, but had she really?
She had lived an entire life feeling like she didn't fit in. Awkward and introverted, it wasn't until she'd been sent to prison that Red had found her fierce side and began to consider herself a force to be reckoned with. Yet, it had all been an illusion. Captain Desi Piscatella had done his best to knock her down off her own pedestal of assumed self-importance and the way her girls had responded had reminded Red of what she had always felt: that she would never really fit in.
"You're a vain, weak, pathetic, frail, old jailbird." The words Piscatella had spoken to her while he cut off her magnificent locks of red hair had been permanently archived into her brain. She believed them wholeheartedly, even when she tried to pretend like she didn't. Red had spoken about what had happened to her in that bunker only once, and that was only to get her son to feel sorry for her. She'd needed him to understand what she was going through and feel bad for her so that he could forgive how she had acted, and the way she had ruined her first visit with his children. It had worked, Vasily had been outraged and heartbroken for her, but at a price.
He didn't see her as a capable person anymore, but as someone he needed to watch out for. Vasily hadn't approved of her moving out of his house or working longer hours to afford it, but had let it go when he saw how good it had been for her. She was happier and reminding him more of who she had been when he'd been growing up. But a night of isolation concerned him, and not without good reason. He could tell she was anxious too.
"Do you think me that pathetic?" Red asked him. It was her stubbornness alone that kept her from giving in and deciding to go back to his place for the night. It wasn't rational and she knew she was fine, but trauma like what she had endured didn't always allow people to act in a way that was logical.
"Of course not," Vasily sighed, "considering everything I know, I think you're tremendously strong. But you can't just pretend it hasn't happened."
"Why can't I?" Red argued. She stole a glance at him out of the corner of her eye. "Why can't you?"
What Red wanted most of all was to put everything behind her and be grateful for the life she'd been given back, after she thought it was lost forever.
New evidence. More insight into the riot and what happened to Desi Piscatella had overturned Taystee's murder sentence and caused the investigators to look a little more closely at the other charges lain. Some had stuck, but others had had their convictions overturned. Red had been one of those people.
Fresh from the Shu, depressed, and not even caring whether she lived or died. That had been her state of mind when she'd learned the juror wanted a closer look at what had truly gone on in that bunker. It had helped Taystee's case and it had helped Red as well. New considerations were being implemented and Red would be going home after all. She would not be serving those ten added years.
Yet, the prospect of an upcoming release was terrifying in a whole different way. She was returning to three sons she was estranged from, and Dmitri had moved on without even sparing her a backwards glance. After how she had ruined visitation, gotten herself thrown in the SHU when Vasily and Lida had driven the kids all the way up to the prison to see her, she wouldn't have blamed her son for never wishing to speak to her again. But he had.
Vasily had come pick her up faithfully and brought her to his home where he and his wife didn't know exactly what to do with her, but at least assured her that she would never have to be alone again.
"You sure you're going to be okay?" Vasily asked again.
Red nodded curtly. She reached in her purse for the phone nestled inside behind her wallet. Pressing the button to light up the screen she curled her lip at the lack of notifications. Gloria had texted her a little over an hour ago to let her know they had landed safely and were on route to her cousin's house. They were in Florida, down south for a few days, to attend the funeral of her uncle. Gloria hadn't wanted to go; she barely even remembered the man. But Lourdes had insisted.
"Gloria good?" Vasily asked.
"Mhmm," Red nodded, returning the phone to her purse.
They had started living together mere months after their subsequent releases. At the time, they'd been only friends. Bonded together from their shared experiences as mothers and former inmates, learning to navigate the real world once again. Gloria had wanted to get out from under Lourdes' roof, which she complained made her feel like a teenager again. And Red hadn't wanted to take more from her son than she already had.
She and Gloria had both worked round the clock, pinching pennies to get by and loving every second of it. Red appreciated the chaos that distracted her from her own problems, and Gloria was grateful to have help from someone who never made her feel bad for asking.
It was only natural when things between the two women took a more intimate turn. For months they'd been each other's closest confidants and partners in this weird post-prison life that few people could relate to. They both knew what it was like to be betrayed by people they thought had cared about them, and they both understood the value of having the opportunity at a second chance. Their romance had blossomed and though they mostly had kept it to themselves, they were both devoted.
Vasily had never questioned his mother about the evolution of her relationship with Gloria. He didn't feel that he had to, didn't really want to know, and his brothers weren't around enough to wonder at all.
Most of the work of helping Red re-adjust to life on the outside had fallen on his shoulders, and Yuri and Maxsim acted like there was no longer any room for her in their lives. After so long apart, they were used to her not being there, and though it wasn't easy, Vasily had never been able to break away like they had. Maybe it came from being the youngest born. He had still needed her the most when she'd gone to prison, and that void she had left had never really filled. Their roles might be reversed now, she needed him more than he needed her, but there was a deep connection there that endured everything else. He was very protective.
"I'll be fine," Red said firmly, unbuckling her seatbelt and reaching for the door handle.
"Okay," Vasily said simply.
He knew his lack of faith offended her, but she had earned it. He knew she hardly slept and had lost a considerable amount of weight in the time she'd been back. When she had stayed with him, he would hear her pacing downstairs at all hours of the night and a few times she'd had panic attacks that she had tried, and failed, to hide.
Moving in with Gloria and her sons had been a good thing. So, had finding a job. Vasily understood his mother enough to know that she needed to work to feel better and distractions helped her. Red kept so busy she was too exhausted at night normally to resist sleep, and having people constantly around to feed and look after meant that she was eating better too. But he knew she hadn't dealt with the trauma and wasn't really recovered. She did everything to make sure there was little time for self-reflection, but Vasily knew those demons were still there.
"Goodnight," Red told him.
"Goodnight, Ma," Vasily said gently, leaning over to kiss her pale cheek. "Call me if you need anything."
She walked slowly up the stone steps to the front porch pretending not to notice how Vasily was idling his car, waiting for her to reach the door and go inside to safety before he drove off. It warmed her heart, as much as it made her feel incapable. She thought that she had pushed him away for good, but Vasily's actions proved time and again how much he still loved her and was willing to try.
Red locked the door carefully behind her, hung her purse up neatly and then flicked on the light switch, that brought the close quarters into full view.
The front room was divided into a small living space and kitchen. A sectional sofa curved around the television set and an oak dining table sat adjacent from the kitchen counter. A narrow hall led to the bathroom and two cozy bedrooms, and that was all the space they had. The apartment was bright and orderly. The tabletops gleamed and everything was kept neatly in its place, with the exception of the breakfast dishes that had been left on the drying mat next to the sink that morning.
She decided to take care of them now. Removing her shoes and setting them neatly, side by side, on the mat. She double checked that the door was locked tightly behind her and then walked into the kitchen. It only took a few seconds to put the dishes away. The sounds of plates being stacked and glasses placed in the cabinet were loud in the otherwise silent apartment. The traffic on the street and people calling to one another outside made her feel very alone.
Suddenly noticing the kitchen window was thrown open, she closed it, despite it being a very warm night. Were there others? Deciding she would rather be safe than sorry, Red did a walk through the apartment, checking and re-checking each window to ensure that the apartment was locked and secure.
It might have been silly, but Red breathed a little easier after that. She wasn't prepared to camp out on her son's sofa over her insecurities, but she'd been lying when she had insisted that she would be fine. The truth was that she had been dreading this night ever since Gloria had told her she and the boys would be leaving for a few days. Her time in prison had emphasized her need for family and her stay in the SHU would never let her forget how horrendous isolation could be.
It's not like that here, Red reminded herself, glancing around the pretty apartment. She lay down on the sofa, crossing her legs at the ankle and switched on the television so that she could drown out the silence. Here she was surrounded by beautiful things, she could come and go as she pleased, and she could call someone if she was desperate for somebody to talk to.
In some ways, this could be like a mini-vacation, Red thought, trying to cheer herself up. As much as she loved them, she knew she wouldn't miss the pile of clothes Gloria left on the bed every morning when deciding on what to wear, and a few days without annoying sounds from Julio's Xbox wouldn't be missed. Benny was her almost constant companion, following her around the apartment while she cleaned, telling her the latest from school and whatever trouble he managed to find. Between them all, she was loathed to get a moment's peace. Maybe she'd finally have time to finish the novel that interruptions kept her from finishing.
Red clicked her tongue and glanced around the vacant apartment. Sometimes, with all four of them, it could feel really crowded, but right now the small apartment felt enormous.
She gazed at the television without really seeing it. The pictures blurred and she couldn't concentrate on what was being said so she turned it off. She couldn't stop her mind from wandering. She wondered if Vasily had made it home yet and if he and Lida had tucked into a movie like they'd talked about. She hoped Gloria would find time to take the boys to the ocean. What a beautiful sight that would be after nothing but concrete for so long, and Benny had been begging to see it with her.
Yuri and Maxsim were either out doing their own things that apparently weren't any of her business, or they were spending time with their father. Which meant they were with his other woman too, no doubt. Dmitri rarely went out anymore. He didn't have a job and no desire to find one. His new girlfriend had won a generous settlement in her divorce and was generous with him. She acted like Red's family belonged to her now.
Clang!
Red leapt off of the sofa so quickly that she felt her heart lurch in her chest and the air seize in her lungs. Nobody else was home to make a sound. She was sure that the noise had come from outside, close enough to be heard through the closed windows. On the porch? She walked briskly over to the door and flicked on the outdoor light, flinching as tough expecting some murderous entity to be staring back at her through the glass.
Nobody was there though. Or at least they didn't appear to be. She couldn't be sure. Perhaps it was just her imagination playing tricks on her, or maybe the intruder had run away after making such a loud sound to alert her to their presence. She had many enemies. Many bad people from her past that she had paid her debt to, and probably would leave her alone. Except she never wanted to get too comfortable in case they changed their mind and decided to come back when she least expected it, prepared to wreak havoc on her life once more.
Ohhhh Red let out a little moan of peril as she spotted the ceramic ashtray. It was unbroken but had been knocked off of its perch. No breeze could have done that, it was too heavy. This was by some force of hand. Red's heart was pounding as she stared through the window of the door in distress. The ashtray lay upside down on the concrete porch, ashes and cigarette buds strewn over. Gloria never remembered to empty it and it was the one chore Red refused to do for her. She hated the fact that Gloria smoked.
Red's hand jerked at the door knob, ensuring that it was still locked tight, before she reached for her purse and retrieved the cell phone from inside. She felt like calling Gloria to tell her what had happened, but she didn't want to sound like a crazy person either. A paranoid part of her couldn't help but wonder if she'd been watched, if Ganya or his followers had been waiting for the opportunity to catch her by herself? She'd been blacklisted for many years now…
Except that didn't even make sense, she reasoned with herself. When Ganya had wanted to hurt or control her before he had used her boys. He knew if he wanted to get her to do as he said, all he needed to threaten to harm her sons if she didn't. She would have done anything to protect her babies, and anyone who was paying attention to her knew that she felt the same way about Gloria, Julio, and Benny. She was getting herself worked up for nothing…
She switched the outside light off again and then the lights inside as well, until she was blanketed in darkness. She backed away from the door, her cell phone was still held tight in her hand. She knew she wouldn't be able to sleep while afraid someone was lurking outside her apartment. She held her phone tightly in her shaking hand and debated calling Vasily to come get her. Maybe he and Lida had known something she didn't? Maybe they had asked her to stay over because they were worried about her safety…
A hum vibrated through the apartment. Red let out a little whimper before realizing that it was only the furnace. There was probably nothing wrong. She was imagining the worst. Being dramatic. Sounding crazy. Acting paranoid. She had heard it all before. Though a part of her wanted to call one of her kids, she knew they would probably laugh at her when they came over to point out the obvious explanation for what was scaring the hell out of her.
And she had sworn to herself when she had come home to them that she would not be a burden. A loving mother, a help with the grandchildren. She never wanted them to have to take care of her and shouldn't be considering asking them to now. She'd built a life of her own so she wouldn't be hanging onto theirs. She didn't want to start acting needy now just because Gloria was out of town for a few days.
Suddenly, a flashlight shone up the stairs and danced around the porch, bouncing off the window, the door, as though the person holding it was trying to see inside. Red instinctively dropped down to the floor so that her figure wouldn't be detected by the light. She leaned her back against the wall and brought her knees up to her chest. Her cell phone was still in her hand. She could call the police if she felt the need. Except that she didn't trust the police...
The door knob rattled but remained locked against the forceful hand trying to gain entry. Red's legs were shaking now and she bumped her mouth hard as she pressed her chin to her chest. There was a small yelp from outside, the person wasn't even trying to be quiet anymore. But the voice was muffled against the door and Red couldn't recognize it. The flashlight turned away from the door. Lowered to the ground. Was the person leaving?
Knock, Knock. Red froze in place and was holding her breath, trying not to make a sound. A few stray tears slid down her cheeks as she thought about how alone she was. She had been embarrassed at Vasily thinking she should spend the night with him while Gloria was away, but now she wished more than anything that she was there. She was not equipped for this. She had been locked in prison for so long. She didn't know how to navigate the real world anymore. And setting up house with Gloria, going to a job, pretending like she had it all together was merely an illusion.
She let out a cry as the phone buzzed in her hand. Through her eyes that were brimmed with tears, she saw that the caller was Nicky. Strange, Red thought to herself, they hadn't spoken in what felt like ages. Their relationship had bordered on awkward since they'd gotten out of prison. They tiptoed around each other, not quite sure how to fit in one another's lives now but also unwilling to say goodbye and walk away entirely. Still, Red would have been grateful to speak to anyone right now.
"Nicky?" Red whispered, once she'd accepted the call. There was a frantic note in her tone that she knew would be impossible for Nicky to ignore. There was a pause on the line.
"Hey, are you home?" Nicky's familiar voice came on the line. "I popped by for a visit and all the lights are off. I didn't think you'd have gone to bed yet…"
"No, I haven't," Red replied quietly into the phone. Relief coursed through her entire body and she slowly pulled herself up from the floor.
She wiped the tears from her eyes onto the back of her sleeve and then unlocked the door with a shaking hand. Nicky was standing on the welcome mat, looking the same as she always had, except that she was dressed in black sweatpants and a grey pullover instead of the prison khaki Red had been used to seeing her in. They both had laughed the first time they'd met up with one another in a coffee shop around the corner from Vasily and Lida's house. Red with her grey tresses dyed back the way she liked them and wearing a blue shift dress, Nicky in a denim skirt and baggy black t-shirt, expensive sneakers on her feet.
"You have a cat?" Nicky asked, wincing as she motioned to her pant leg where there was a clean rip in the fabric.
"What? No."
"There was a black cat sitting on the swing that attacked me when I came on the porch," Nicky explained.
"It must have been one of the ones Gloria is feeding," Red rolled her eyes. "They start scratching at the door when they want more food but nobody was home."
"Feral little beast," Nicky complained.
"Did you knock over the ashtray?" Red asked, pointing to the mess on the ground.
"No," Nicky shook her head. There was a pause as Red slipped out the door around her and picked up the ashtray, setting it back on the table.
"Probably the cat," she muttered, glancing around for a sign of the little monster. "I told Gloria we were going to have every stray cat in the city begging here at this rate."
"She's out of town for a few days, huh?" Nicky asked, stepping over the threshold and waiting for Red to follow.
"You've been talking with Gloria?" Red asked in surprise. She closed the door and locked it again.
"Well, I haven't been talking to you," Nicky reminded her, glancing around the apartment with curiosity. It was the first time she had ever even been inside. Red had never invited her and seemed to have been keeping her at arm's length ever since she'd come home from prison, after promising to love her forever.
Nicky hadn't even heard it from Red herself, that she'd gotten early release. Red had been out and living with her son for almost a month when Alex, who was still in prison, let Piper know what had been going on. This was incredibly hurtful to Nicky, who had cried as much from rejection as she had from relief.
Things had turned out okay in the end after all, but Red hadn't wanted to celebrate that with her or even allow Nicky to help her with the transition. She'd found out Red was home second-hand, and it hadn't even been Red's idea to meet for the coffee when Nicky had called to say hello.
"Nicky-" Red said tiredly. Her heart rate was slowing down and her anxiety levels felt like they were lowering. She felt silly and foolish, getting herself worked up over nothing. Except that's what she'd been doing continuously since her release from prison. She was so used to always anticipating and enduring the worst-case scenario that she didn't know how to feel safe, even now that things were okay.
"This is a nice place," Nicky interrupted. "Very neat. I always imagined Gloria to be kind of messy."
"I'm not messy though," Red reminded her.
"Yeah, but there's three of them," Nicky explained jovially. "I figured you would be over ruled."
She walked over to inspect some picture frames hanging on the living room wall more closely. Photos of Red's sons and grandchildren, and others that had to be from Gloria's side. There was none of Nicky, and Nicky tried to keep the pain of that from displaying on her face as she turned back to face Red.
"It's so good to see you," Red said softly.
"Is it?" Nicky blinked. "I wasn't sure if you'd be upset."
"I'm always happy to see you," Red replied.
"Except the only times you do is when I arrange everything," Nicky reminded her. "You never call me up just to say hi, you never make plans with me. Lorna sent us all invitations to the baby's christening and when we got there, she told Piper and I that you never even bothered to say you weren't coming."
"Why would I even want to be there?" Red said warily. They were both still standing, facing one another. Red hadn't taken two feet from the door and for a moment Nicky worried that she was about to be asked to leave. Red seemed jumpy and distressed, pushing Nicky immediately into protective drive.
"You love Lorna," Nicky reminded her. "And don't pretend like you wouldn't love to hold that baby in your arms. Piper is thinking about trying to get pregnant herself, Alex might be coming home soon."
"Good for them," Red said indifferently, "but that has nothing to do with me. They aren't my family."
"Because you're home with your 'real' family and don't need us anymore?" Nicky asked, turning around to stare at Red pointedly with her arms crossed. Nobody would be able to ignore how hurt she looked, and maybe that's why Red found it difficult to look at Nicky now. Instead, she focused on a spot on the wall above Nicky's right shoulder.
"It's not about me not needing you," Red answered. "It's about how you all had no problem throwing me under the bus the moment I stopped being useful."
"Come on, Red," Nicky pleaded. "That's over now."
Red shot her a cold stare. "It's over because of some technicality," she reminded her, sending an icy chill down Nicky's spine.
Naming Red and contributing to her getting ten more years added to her sentence for inciting a riot was the hardest thing Nicky had ever had to do. But she hadn't had a choice. She'd needed to sacrifice Red so that she didn't get another seventy years in prison on drug charges. It had broken her heart, she immediately started to mourn the first person who had ever actually cared about her because she was fully prepared to be dead to her forever.
Except Red had done the unthinkable. Mouthing "It's okay" to Nicky through the glass of her cell in ad-seg. Red had forgiven Nicky, let her know she still loved her. She'd accepted her life was being sacrificed for the sake of the daughter she supposedly loved because that's what a good mother did. Things had been strained between them ever since and Nicky had accepted they could never really go back to the way they were before after such a mammoth of horrible, if necessary, betrayal.
Nicky had thought the extended sentence being overturned would allow them to be closer again. Now that Red's life was not ruined but instead filled with promise. Instead Red seemed to have withdrawn from her even more determinedly. She didn't push Nicky away, but she didn't seek her out either. Her shifted focus to other people made it crystal clear she didn't intend Nicky to be her priority anymore. Whatever Red had said to the contrary, it was plainly clear that things were not 'Okay' at all.
"Do you want me to leave?" Nicky asked sadly, rocking back and forth on the balls of her feet.
Red shook her head and brushed the hair out of her face. It was damp close to the roots from sweat, bad nerves. She had been wrought with anxiety mere minutes ago and now her stomach was knotted in a different way. Tension taking on a whole other meaning.
She had nothing to feel guilty about. Nicky was looking at her with big brown, puppy dogs' eyes that usually could persuade Red to do anything. Yet, she was not responsible for Nicky's pain. She didn't owe Nicky anything anymore. The allegiance they had formed, the family they had been-that had all been blown apart when they'd condemned her, as if she couldn't have done the same to each one of them. None of them had walked the straight and arrow...Nicky had relapsed and broken into the pharmacy, Alex had killed and buried a guard, Piper had operated an illegal f*cking panty business and then ruined other people's lives when she couldn't take the heat.
Did Red still love Nicky? Of course, she did. But she loved herself more. Loved herself enough to not take for granted this second chance. She'd been a mom since her early twenties. Along the way she had stopped thinking about herself. Forgotten that she too was a person who mattered. She didn't want to lose herself again.
"Come sit down with me," she suggested, with a sharp jerk of her head. Nicky's face relaxed in relief. She eagerly followed Red over to the couch and curled up on one end, leaving a considerable amount of space between them.
"I am glad that you're here," Red stressed.
"You really know how to show it," Nicky joked lamely. "The way you looked when you answered the door. I thought you were preparing to grab Julio's bat and wack me with it."
Red closed her eyes "I didn't know it was you," she replied. "I thought someone might try to break in here while it was only myself."
"I guess I took you by surprise," Nicky said gently. "Sorry about that. I was worried if I called before I was literally standing on your front door, you might send me away."
"I wouldn't have done that," Red said, opening her eyes to peer at her. "Honestly, Nicky, do you really thing I'd do that to you?"
"Well, I'd love to spend time with you every single day if you were willing," Nicky replied. "But you never want to make plans. What else do I have to do?"
"You should get a job," Red rolled her eyes. "Stop mooching off of your mother."
Nicky had been picked up from prison by Marka's chauffeur and driven straight to a furnished apartment in a beautiful neighbourhood that was hers to stay in exclusively. Marka wired money into her account weekly for Nicky to live off of and had offered to pay for additional counselling or treatments to help her stay clean, which had been declined. Her blessings were fine, they all needed help in whatever capacity their families could provide. Nicky being more fortunate than others was not the problem, it was the lack of appreciation that was concerning.
"You know, there was a time when you called yourself my mother," Nicky reminded her gently. "Why did that have to stop?"
Red stared at Nicky with a look in her eye that told of both perplexity and wistfulness. "Who says it did?" she replied.
"Huh?" Nicky blinked.
"We could go the rest of our lives without talking. I dare-say, Maxsim has already decided to take the challenge. It still doesn't change the fact that he and you are both, irrevocably, my children," Red explained. "How I feel has nothing to do with that."
Nicky's heart swelled in her chest. To be counted and acknowledged meant the absolute world to her. It gave her hope. Maybe things weren't as they used to be, and never would be again, but at least she could still look at Red and rest in the truth that she still, in a way, belonged to her.
"But if it were about how you feel, how would you say you're feeling about me these days?" Nicky asked.
"Confused," Red said automatically.
Nicky shrugged her shoulders. "Could be worse," she said optimistically.
"Could be better though," Red's lip curled displeasing. "Honestly, Nicky, I don't know what to do about you. It's not because I don't care or don't love you, because you know I always will. It's because It's impossible for me to look at you and not be continually reminded of the worst moments in my life."
"Gloria was in prison too," Nicky said unhelpfully.
"Gloria didn't betray me," Red said firmly.
"But what else could I have done?" Nicky asked helplessly. "I tried to explain to you. They were going to lock me in there for the rest of my life because of some bullshit drug charges."
"Drug charges that wouldn't have happened if you hadn't broken into a pharmacy in the first place," Red pandered on. "Why is this all on me?"
"It's not," Nicky said. She leaned her head back and looked into Red's sparkling blue eyes. "I'm really sorry."
Red nodded. "It's okay," she said gently.
Nicky shook her head. "No, it's not," she corrected. "If you really were okay then you wouldn't be acting so distant from me. What's going on with you?"
Red pressed her lips tightly together and considered Nicky for a moment. They'd been through so much together and there were mistakes from both of them that had contributed to their strained situation. She'd meant what she had said, Nicky was her daughter and always would be. She didn't know how to be with her anymore. She was hurt, angry, broken-hearted, but she also knew she'd give them anything if Maxsim or Yuri were as persistent about wanting to be with her as Nicky currently was. And if Nicky was truly her daughter, there should be no difference in her desire for closeness. She would have to find a way to move on.
"I'm so glad you're here, Nicky," Red said sincerely. "I mean it. I was in a really bad place before you got here."
"What do you mean?" asked Nicky, her brow furrowing. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing!" Red exclaimed, that's the problem. "I don't know what's wrong with me."
"You've been through a lot," Nicky said gently. "And for what it's worth, you're doing fantastic. Do you know how many people can't get it together when they get out? You heard about Aleida Diaz reoffending, huh? And the only reason Lorna hasn't gone off and done something nutty is probably because she hasn't had time to do anything since her kid was born."
"Don't forget yourself," Red added with a small smile.
"Huh?"
"You seem to be doing pretty wonderful yourself," Red elaborated. "Staying clean, out of trouble?"
"I promised you, right?" Nicky replied. "It's the new me. And it's going to stick."
"I'm proud of you," Red said quietly.
"I'm proud of you," said Nicky. "And I respect everything you're doing, even if it hurts. You need to put yourself first for once. I'm not going to try to justify what anyone did because it was selfish and wrong, but in that prison fishbowl anyone would do the same thing in that position."
"I would never have done to any of you, what you did to me," Red said, the look in her eyes was deadly.
"Okay, maybe not you-"
"I was interrogated and abused by Piscatella with no sleep about the guard Alex killed, and I didn't give her up!" Red said, the anger and truth exploding from her. "That had nothing to do with me. Why did I allow myself to be hurt to save someone who appreciated nothing and doesn't give a damn about me?"
"Because you're a good person," Nicky interrupted. "And you're hurt and your decent, but not everyone has the sort of heart you do...I'm going to go out on a limb and say that most people don't. And it's not that Alex and Piper, or anyone doesn't care about you...I think it's just that they care about themselves more. They don't think about other people like you do and I'm grateful everyday that you are the way that you are, because that's what saved my life."
Red shook her head. "You saved your own life," she corrected. "Nobody can make you get and stay clean if you didn't want to."
"Well, then, I didn't see the point until I met you," Nicky said. "You made me feel like I mattered."
"Because you matter so much," Red replied.
"And I matter to you?" Nicky asked hopefully.
Red nodded. "Yes."
Nicky took a chance and slid towards the middle of the couch to where Red was, lessening the gap between them until they were side by side. The closeness wasn't rejected, Red held up her outstretched hand for Nicky to grasp, and then squeezed her hand affectionately. There was so much that neither knew how to say, but at least they could sit side by side together in silence for a little while.
"You know, I figured that I'd have a better chance of reaching out to you when you were alone," Nicky said thoughtfully. She had turned Red's hand over in hers. Her thumb was smoothing over the raised ridges in the pale skin, her blue veins, and the lines on her palm. "I thought you might like some company and Gloria told me you might be too stubborn to ask for it on your own."
"I like her," Red said.
Nicky raised her eyebrows. "How much?" she teased.
"Nicky…" Red rolled her eyes.
Nicky laughed to herself and leaned her head down against Red's shoulder. "Do you want to go to bed?" she asked, with a loud exaggerated yawn. "I'm getting tired."
"Are you inviting yourself to stay?" Red asked wryly.
Nicky tossed her head, her curls brushing across Red's face. "You're not going to kick me out, are you?"
"No," Red shook her head. "I don't want to be alone. You'll do."
"Thanks a lot," Nicky rolled her eyes. "You know how to make me feel special." She squeezed Red's hand none-the-less and guided her up off the couch and down the hall where she allowed Red to show her to her bedroom.
Red changed silently into her pajamas and went into the bathroom to brush her teeth and splash some cold water on her face. She still felt shaky, completely relieved to not be alone in the apartment all night, and having Nicky there just felt right. She'd been avoiding her on principle, maintaining a distance she felt was exactly what Nicky deserved for hurting her. But doing that was hurting herself anymore. Red needed to have Nicky and taking her back meant learning how to let go of all the pain that she'd been harbouring.
"It's too warm for such heavy blankets," Nicky said, watching Red pull back the duvet and slip into bed. Nicky was still lying on top of the covers, on the other side of the bed. She'd slipped off her sweatpants without any restraint and left them in a bundle on the floor.
"I spent twenty years of my life on a narrow cot where you were only allowed to sleep on top of the bed, not in it," Red said quietly, rolling over onto her side to look at Nicky. "I thought that's how I was going to die...and old lady, in prison, not even granted the luxury of lying in the bed she was going to die in…."
Nicky didn't say anything. Her eyes spoke of all her thoughts. She remembered Piper's outrage at the indignity of how they were expected to sleep, but Red had never made a noise of complaint. She just went on and had always made the best of things, so that people forgot to think about how things affected her to.
In all the time she had been feeling sorry for herself over Red's seeming rejection, Nicky had not really thought about what was going through Red's own mind. She'd only been focused on how it pertained to her.
But now she saw Red in all her full brokenness and vulnerability. The heartbreak that was etched into every line of her tired face. She'd been used and abused, thrown out, and still was willing to love, despite how hopeless she felt about her own life.
While they were all trying to justify their actions, their betrayal, expecting Red to understand and forgive because what other choice did they have? Red had been thinking about what it would feel to die in that place, alone, and without love. And they were all too busy thinking about themselves to do anything except plead for her to accept and get over it.
"What can I do to make it better?" Nicky asked pleadingly.
Red shrugged and gave her a sad sort of smile. "Just be patient with me," she said softly. "I'm not rejecting you. I just need time."
Nicky nodded. She stood up and pulled back the duvet covers on her side and then slid in beneath them. Wriggling closer to the center, she reached for Red's hand and squeezed it.
"Goodnight, Mom," she said, closing her eyes. She felt comfortable saying that again, knowing Red would not object. She felt blessed to have the chance. They would get through this and make it through to the other side. They still had each other and all the time in the world to heal.