Hiya!
I'm finally back with another story about Doctor Who! (And it's another sad story - wow, I should really write more fluff)
Please note that English is not my mother language, so there might be mistakes.
I hope you enjoy this little piece of work! :)
Why are you sad?
With a quiet 'thump' the TARDIS landed on an old deserted playground. A cold wind was blowing and a few abandoned leaves were falling to the ground. After a while one of the doors opened and the Doctor stepped out of the TARDIS. He took one deep breath, closed his eyes and fixed his already spotless bow-tie.
He looked around and began walking towards the old swingset. It was all his fault. He slowly sat down on one and began swinging a bit. Amy and Rory. They could have lived a normal, happy life. But he ruined it. He ruined their chance of ever being ordinary, of ever being happy. With a quiet, heart-wrenching sob the Doctor buried his face in his hands. Selfish. Selfish, selfish, selfish.
"Why are you sad?"
The Doctor jumped and looked to his right. There was a little girl sitting on the swing next to him. Her clothes were worn and her ponytail loose. She was grabbing the chains of the swing and looking him in the eyes. Totally calm.
"Eh?", the Doctor asked.
"I asked you why you are sad," the little girl repeated her question. She stopped looking at him and turned her eyes to the ground instead.
"Why would I be sad?", he asked with a broken smile.
"Because I know how it feels to be sad and lonely and to have no hope. And you look sad," the little girl answered, all the while looking him in the eyes. There was no sign of happiness in her face and the Doctor's hearts broke a little bit more. He simply couldn't bear to see children sad – they've got a whole life to live, plenty of friends to make, lots of things to see. They shouldn't be sad when they're only so young.
"Sad? Little girls like you shouldn't feel sad or lonely or without hope, should they?", the Doctor gave her swing a little push. "Go out, make friends, have fun! And believe me when I say, because I really know what I'm talking about, that the universe is full of wonders and beauty and that there's no reason, no reason at all, to be sad now."
"Don't do this. Don't. It's what everybody does.", she answered with a cracking voice. The Doctor could see tears forming in her eyes, but she blinked them away.
"Do what? Who is everybody?" The Doctor stopped swinging and looked at the little girl with concern in his eyes, his own self-hate buried in the back of his mind now – though still always there.
"The grown-ups. They all say I shouldn't be sad, that it's childish and stupid and that I don't have any reason to feel like I do. But they don't understand. Nobody does." She looked up at him and she looked so lost and broken, that the Doctor couldn't help but get up from his swing and walk over to her. He kneeled down in front of her and took her hands in his own.
"I'm not like the other grown-ups. They're all boring. Believe me, I'm much cooler – just look at my cool bow-tie!" The Doctor forced a smile on his face and indeed the girl's eyes darted to his bow-tie before she chuckled a little.
"It looks funny.", she said.
"Eh, it's not funny. It's cool. Bow-ties are cool." How dare you taint this little girl's life too! Didn't you learn anything from last time? Did you already forget about Amy? The little girl who waited all night in her garden because you selfish bastard couldn't help but burst into her life? The Doctor angrily shook his head to stop the voice from talking and by the time he succeeded in locking his self-hate temporarily into the back of his mind, the little girl was lost in her own world again.
With blank, glassy eyes she looked on the dirty brown floor, not acknowledging the Doctor by any means.
"Come on then – Why don't you tell me what is bothering you? I promise I'll try my best to help you – no, I will help you." He tried to put as much light-heartedness into his voice as possible, positive that only he could hear the self-doubt and sadness in it.
The little girl began shuffling with her feet.
"Why do you think you can help me, if you are so very sad yourself?" she answered with a confidence that made the Doctor feel a little bit uneasy. He looked into her eyes and knew that he couldn't lie to her. She'd know.
"I'm old. Very old. I've done things I shouldn't have, lost people I loved." He let go of her hands and began fixing his bow-tie again. "But, tell you what. You tell me what's bothering you and when we've found a solution to your problem, maybe you can help me." The Doctor smiled sadly, knowing that she couldn't help him – nobody could. What are you doing, you selfish bastard! Stop talking to this poor little girl! Haven't you ruined enough lives already?!
"Stop it!", he exclaimed and angrily closed his eyes.
"Stop what?", asked the little girl with confusion.
"What? Oh, nothing. Anyway, what do you think?"
After a few minutes of silence, the girl nodded.
"But only if you promise you won't tell me I'm childish."
"Cross my hearts," the Doctor answered and made cross-like drawings over both sides of his chest. The little girl looked at him with wonder as he said 'hearts' but apparently decided she might've misheard him.
"And after I've told you, we're fixing your problem, 'kay?"
"Sure…", he avoided looking her in the eyes as he answered.
The little girl took a deep breath before she started talking. "It's just that… I don't really matter, do I? I'm just another girl of hundreds, nobody cares. It's not like I will change the world or anything, so I'm not really valuable, am I? It doesn't matter if I exist or not, I'm not really worth anything…" Her voice got more and more quiet as she ended her explanation.
The Doctor couldn't believe what he'd just heard. She was just a little girl, for god's sake! She shouldn't be thinking like that – in fact nobody ever should – but she's got so much in front of her. He looked at the broken little girl sitting in front of him on the swing and his eyes were clouded with sorrow and grief.
"I'm so sorry," he whispered. The girl who has been staring down at her hands for the whole time, looked up again and he could see tears glazing her eyes.
"You think I'm childish too, don't you?" she asked him with a broken voice. "Everybody does." Her eyes turned to the ground again.
"No, no, no, listen!" The Doctor grabbed her hands once again. "I don't think you're even the slightest bit childish! In fact, you're way too mature. I'm sorry, you're thinking that way, because it's not true! I've seen so many things, yes not so good ones too, but most of them were so very wonderful! You have to believe me, when I say that there's always hope and everybody matters. You may not see it now, but you, just existing to see the wonders of the world is worth it already. You are unique and special and in no way worthless. I've met loads of people, not one like the other, and they all mattered."
The little girl has remained still all the way through the Doctor's monologue and he slowly loosened his grip. There's nothing you can do. You can't help people and you shouldn't even try anymore. We both know you're way too selfish for that.
Slowly the little girl lifted her head. Why don't you get up and go away before she tells you to? Any minute now, you'll see the disgust and rejection in her eyes!
"Thank you," she whispered, barely audible. Her lips formed a little smile, which showed her missing tooth. Her smile got bigger and the Doctor could see it slowly reaching her eyes and lighting up her whole face.
Just as the Doctor opened his mouth to answer, he heard another voice, a female voice, shouting.
"Samantha! There you are! I've been looking for you for ages!" An older woman came running towards them, waving her hands about.
"That's my mum," the little girl whispered as she got up from her swing.
The face of the woman looked old but happy. There were laughter lines around her eyes and mouth and her blue eyes looked lively and friendly.
"Well, she seems nice. Come on, go to her. And remember what I told you, promise?" The Doctor gave the girl one last smile before he got up from the ground.
"Promise," she whispered and crossed her heart with a wink. The Doctor let out a small chuckle, as she began running towards her mum.
"Oh, Sam, I've been worrying sick over you! Don't ever do that to me again." The woman lifted her daughter into her arms, wiped her dried tears away and gave her a kiss.
The Doctor watched as they slowly walked away, leaving the broken him standing on the old playground. With a last sigh, the Doctor turned to walk back to his TARDIS. Feeling like a hero now, are we? There was nothing heroic about what you did in any way. You did it for yourself, because you were lonely. Don't ever think differently.
The Doctor's walk got gloomy again and the pain settled around his hearts once again.
Just as he was about to open the doors to the TARDIS he heard footsteps running towards him.
"Wait!", he heard Samantha shout. The Doctor turned around and forced a smile onto his face. He could see her mother standing at the entrance of the playground, waiting for her daughter.
"What's up, eh?" he asked and kneeled down again.
"We…" Samantha had to catch her breath before she continued speaking. "We didn't fix your problem! It was part of the promise!" She looked at him seriously.
"Nah, I don't have any problem – I'm fine." The Doctor replied, acting careless.
"Don't lie to me, I can see you're sad too. Why are you sad? Are you lonely?"
There was a short silence before the Doctor responded. "Yeah… I kind of am. But I'm old, very old – it doesn't matter."
"It does, though. You shouldn't be lonely. I like you. You're very nice."
"Oh, that's lovely, thank you." He replied with a smile, that wasn't quite reaching his eyes.
"And you know what? I want to give you something. It's been helping me when I was sad but I think you need it more than me now." She took a tiny little stone out of her pocket and as the Doctor looked closer he could see that it was shaped like a star. "Please don't be sad anymore," she said as she gave it to him.
Tears were forming in the Doctor's eyes but he blinked them away.
"Thank you." He said and this time the smile was genuine.
"Sam! Come on, your brother's waiting!" they heard her mother shout.
Samantha looked back over her shoulder and shouted back. "Coming!"
She turned around again. "I have to go now." She said as she began walking away. The Doctor looked at her go, wrapped his hand around the little star-stone and smiled hesitantly. After a few steps Samantha stopped and turned around once again.
"Who are you, by the way?", she asked.
"Oh, I'm nobody, really," he answered with a chuckle.
"And what's that there?" Samantha pointed at the TARDIS.
"That's the universe." With that the Doctor got into his TARDIS and slowly closed the doors.
On one of the monitors he could see her laugh a little. Then she waved him goodbye and began running away.
With a swirl the Doctor turned levers and pushed buttons – there was so much to see, so many worlds to save. He laughed a happy laugh and danced around the console of the TARDIS.
He took the little stone Samantha gave him and gave it kiss. "Oh, thank you Samantha. Wonderful, wonderful Samantha."
She would always have a special place in his heart and maybe – just maybe – he'd visit her again when she's older.
I'd be very happy if you'd leave me a comment! :)