Say what you have always wanted to say but have been afraid to.
Jack watched Sarah retreat up to their room at the hotel. His gaze turned back to the piano he's sitting in front of and he sighed heavily. After a minute he geot up and walked to the front desk.
"Hi could I get some paper and a pen?" He asked tiredly.
"Of course." The far too perky for this time of night receptionist smiled at him before handing him a couple of pieces of hotel stationary and a pen.
"Thanks," Jack managed to bite out before grabbing a bottle of vodka from the bartender and heading out to the deck by the pool. He sets down the bottle and stares at the paper in front of him preparing to write his vows. Only he can't seem to figure out what he should say as he stands in front of his friends, his family and Sarah. He pulled out the copy of her vows he stole from their room and re-reads them over and over again. He sighed, opened the bottle of vodka, took a large swig and then began to write.
Dear Sarah,
There are so many things to say that never seem to get said. I don't know what keeps me from saying them, fear maybe. I'm afraid that I'll hurt you and I'm afraid that I won't. I'm afraid that I'll continue to be a disappointment to my father if I give up on something. I'm the most committed man you know right? Isn't that my problem? You know I'd never cheat on you, that I'd never do anything that would hurt you. I'm your savior, I fixed you and that's what I'm good at.
I'm not sure if I know what love is Sarah, I'm not sure if there's anything inside me capable of love. I know that I care about you, that there's something about you that has always made me smile. You could make me happy and everyone knows it. Even my mother likes you and she's never liked anyone I've ever brought home.
Sarah, you could make me happy but I don't know if I can make you happy. Sometimes I'm sure I'm a shell of a person, unrecognizable in the mirror. I didn't fix you Sarah, something else happened that day and I don't know what it was but it wasn't me. You know I don't believe in much but I've believed in you for 2 years. Is that enough? You've done so much for me, made me into someone I barely recognize because there was all that time when I was alone and the world was leaning on me so hard, so much pressure that I knew I'd break. I knew I'd fail.
I'm not good at failure and something about that day when you moved your toes changed me. I don't know if I'm good enough, if I can be the man you need. Sometimes … Sometimes I don't know if I want to be. I wonder if I'm with you for the wrong reasons. Did I ask you to marry me because I promised you – that you would dance at your wedding. When you were ok again there wasn't a wedding to dance at; so I gave you one.
I'm the most committed man you know, but you don't really know me because I haven't let you.
I don't think I can marry you Sarah. I don't think you should marry me; you deserve someone who doesn't have to ask himself these questions. Someone who asks himself if he loves you the night before our wedding. Someone who can't even write his own goddamn vows because even though he gets the concept of vows he can't really say them; that's how committed I am.
It just isn't enough. I'm so sorry.
Always,
Jack
Jack dropped the pen, grabbed the bottle and drank, squeezed his eyes shut to quell the oncoming tears that he'd do anything to hold back. He was committed, he opened his eyes again picked up the paper and tore it in half before walking to a trash can and dropping the pieces into it.
He took another long drink from the bottle and sat down by the pool; he pulled off his shoes, socks and coat and threw them by the table he'd been sitting at. He hiked up his pants, sat down by the edge of the pool and stuck his feet in. Grabbing the stationary that held Sarah's vows he stared at her words scrawled on the page and sighed taking yet another drink.