I originally wanted this to be centered on Prim's death, but it just wasn't flowing how I wanted it to. So instead I made it about someone else entirely.. Enjoy! Also song is You Will Make It by Jem :)
xxxxx
"Bye, Daddy!" I shouted out the door as I watched my father walk towards the direction of town. He turned to me and blew me a kiss and smiled, "I promise when I get back we'll do something special." That was always code for us and it meant that we would go into the woods. He had just taught me how to use the bow he made and I had made great progress. He was impressed with me and how fast I picked up that skill.
Go to bed everything's alright
Don't know the whole world's changing
As you sleep through the night
Wake up slowly and it's a different world
"Come, little one," my mother would always say to start our bedtime routine. "Prim is already in bed and it's your turn now." She kissed me on the forehead, but I wasn't ready to sleep.
"Can't I just wait until Daddy gets home?" I asked with hope in my eyes.
"No, sweetheart it is way past your bedtime. Now go, before I make you sleep outside." Of course my mother would never follow through with a threat like that, but nonetheless I was small and believed every word she spoke. I ran quickly to my bed that I shared with Prim and like my mother said, she was fast asleep. My mother was right behind me ready to tuck me in. She gave me a tight hug and I whispered in her ear, "Mommy, when Daddy gets home can you let him wake me up?" "We'll see. I love you." Was her short reply. I put my head on my pillow and was instantly asleep.
I woke up with a start at some point in the night due to a large rumbling of our house. Our house was quite literally quivering. I cried for my mother and she somehow coaxed me back to sleep. It was a dreamless sleep.
I woke up later in the morning and I looked around. Prim was still snoring softly, but my mother was nowhere to be found. Usually by now she would have come in and gotten us ready for the day. I remember finding that strange. I tiptoed out of our room and my eyes met an unfamiliar looking man and my mother talking. My mother was crying and I raced over to her, in doing so I realized the one person I couldn't wait to see wasn't there.
Hear the news and the floods begin
Screams so loud but only felt within
Heart is shattered
The pieces can't be found
My mother embraces me tightly and speaks in a soft, but broken voice, "Katniss, you need to sit down. Something has happened down in the mines.." She trailed off unable to speak. At what she said I felt my skin go ice cold. My father was down in the mines, no nothing could happen there. I sit down anyways bracing myself for the worse. Unfortunately my little heart couldn't even imagine what the worse actually was.
The unknown man, who I found out later was the mayor and Madge's father, spoke to me knowing my mother could not, "Katniss, sweetheart, your dad was in an accident." I felt my heart sink to my stomach and my skin grow pale, but he continued. "Somehow an explosion happened and your father didn't make it out. I'm so sorry for your loss." My father… is dead? No, that can't be he is going to walk through that door right now and scoop me up in his arms. He's going to insist we do something special and I'm going to follow him into the woods. He is not dead. I started to cry despite my attempts to remain in denial and once the tears started they couldn't stop. I felt like a piece of my heart was missing. Not only was he my best friend he was my father and I had half of him in my blood. He was the only one that understood me and even the kids at school never did. I feel all alone in the world and my chest hurts, I realize I can't breathe.
I feel your pain, I wrote this song for you, for you
You will make it, you will make it through
I promise you, he would want you to
Yesterday I heard the news that my father was dead and today I have to accept a medal in his honor. I don't want to walk up the steps and accept my loss. I still hold onto the hope that he will walk through the door and tell me I'm having a nightmare, that he is obviously alive and well. That moment never came. I know he would want me to move on and not be so sad, but I can't do that. I can't go on with life knowing my daddy isn't going to be there to help me through the hard times. Months go by, still living in a daze
Don't know what you've done
With the last seven days
Soul is numb and life is like a dream
It had been exactly three months since my father's passing and my mother was expected to get a job at this point. Whenever I would come out of my room I would always see her sitting in the same place the mayor told her the news. It is the same chair, the same woman, the only thing different is her face and each day that passes takes another degree of skin from under her eyes. The only thing I know I've done in the past week is resent her for not getting herself together. I almost hate her for not trying to take care of Prim and I. We lost a parent, half of who we are, and we still get up and out of the house. I didn't even want to look at her most days. Helping hands but you push them away
How could they understand
Don't wanna share your pain
Afraid to heal, 'cause that would mean goodbye
I had few school friends, but the ones I did have tried to comfort me during this time. They would say, "Katniss, I'm so sorry. You can get through this loss, you can get through anything." I don't want to get through this; I don't want to deal with this problem because when I deal with it, it has to become real. None of this is real. I didn't want to hear that anymore and those friendships quickly faded. I still believed and held onto hope that he would come home and hug me. I still had hope that he would say he was sorry for being gone so long and hope was all I had. I feel your pain, I wrote this song for you, for you Olele Olele Ubaba
You will make it, you will make it through
I promise you, she would want you to
No one ever says "You don't have to get over this. Take all the time you need to cry and be hurt." No one says it's okay to feel pain they only say "Your father wouldn't want you being so sad all the time." Did anyone really know how my father felt on such matters? Did anyone hear him say that while he took his dying breath? I highly doubt it.
I now just feel anger because I was left alone to figure it all out. My mother was useless because her heart was too broken to try to help anyone else. Prim was all I had then and I had to do anything I could to take care of her. She could live on and be happy when the rest of us couldn't.
One day sunlight hits a photograph
And it makes you smile
The memories dance around you now
And they make you smile
You're not alone
You'll never be
Just like the stars
They oversee
And they whisper to you
You're still, you're still, you're still, you're still alive
It is always hard for me to remember those days following the mining accident. I can't help the memories of those feelings and my father that come rushing back when I stumble upon a picture. It was taken the day before my world fell apart and it was of me and my father hugging each other. Pictures were a rarity, but somehow we managed to get one per person. I never knew this existed still but I'm happy to have found it.
My life has been harder than most teenagers, being a victor of the Hunger Games twice and becoming the Mockingjay aren't easy. I never wanted these things to happen; I never wanted to have almost everyone I cared about die. Everyone that ever tried to help me, except two, are dead. My sweet sister, Prim, even she was taken from me just when I thought nothing more could make my life worse. I loved her so much and I had to see her get blown up. I had to feel my heart break all over again for the loved ones I lost. I felt so broken and empty because of these feelings.
Fortunately, I was able to keep something so strangely foreign to me. I was able to keep love when I thought all hope was lost. I was able to keep my heart together and rebuild myself along with the love. Peeta Mellark gave this gift to me so unconditionally. When I lost him for a brief time to the tracker-jacker venom I thought I would have to live on by myself. I was ready to accept his realization of who I really was. Turns out Peeta had a lot of will power and somehow came back to me.
"Hey, what's that?" I hear none other than the boy I did everything to save. I wipe away a stray tear and take a moment to compose an answer. "It's.. It's my dad." I look at him and he looks puzzled. He comes up from behind and wraps his arms around me and rests his chin on my right shoulder.
"Is that a picture? I didn't know our district was able to have them." He said.
"Yeah, my dad knew someone and he was able to pull some strings so we could have at least one picture for everyone." I wipe away another tear. The memories of my father come to the forefront of my mind along with the people that sacrificed their lives just to save mine and future populations.
Peeta continues to hug me for a long time while I let every emotion I've kept inside out. He has come so far from hallucinations and I feel guilty for laying this all on him. "I'm sorry." I say. "Don't be, you have every right to be sad, he meant everything to you. Don't feel bad. I love you, real or not real?" Of course I knew the answer and it almost seemed silly to utter a small "real." He did this for me whenever my self confidence wavered and I did it for him when he was unsure in his memories. He did it to reassure my tired mind and I appreciated it whenever it happened. I feel your pain, I wrote this song for you, for you
You will make it, you will make it through
I promise you, they would want you to
It took a long time for me to realize everyone that died would have wanted me to take my responsibilities and live a life worth saving. I finally understood how everyone could tell me how my dad felt because I sincerely think they were correct. Boggs, Cinna, Maggs, Madge, Finnick and Prim along with so many others would not want me to cry for them, they would want me to live for them.
Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there; I do not sleep
I am a thousand winds that blow
I am the diamond glints on snow
I am the sun on ripened grain
I am the gentle autumn rain
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight
I am the soft stars that shine at night
Do not stand at my grave and cry
I am not there; I did not die
I should have died a long time ago, but somehow I'm still here. Somehow, I'm still alive. So with this life I will give the ultimate gift of love to Peeta. I will give him everything he's ever wanted, I will give him children. The people that helped me get here aren't gone, they forever live in my memory and soon they will live in the memories of my children because I will never forget to tell them about the people that made their life possible. I don't believe they are forever dead if they continue to live on in the small stories I can share.
It is the least I could do for them.
xxxxx
So it was a smidge OOC I feel.. Idk. I've like lost my Katniss voice and it scares me because my writing is affected :( I hope you enjoyed this anyways, even though it was kind of sad. I'm sorry this isn't a chapter story, but I love songfics and I kind of want to make a chapter story with a bunch of songs.. Yes? No? I need advice.. haha