"Sara?" She answers, her voice hushed.
"What are you doing?" I ask her, laying back and pushing the swisher blunt to my lips.
"Shit, I don't know. It's 12, I'm sleeping.", Tegan replies in a sarcastic demeanor.
"You should be here." I say, smoothly. I hear Tegan exhale. I know that she's getting up.
"Where's Stacy?" She asks and I can hear the faucet running. I stand up and walk to my door, blowing out the smoke.
"She's not here.", I reply. Tegan has no business knowing where my girlfriend is. Hell, I don't really know where she is. I barely listen to Stacy when she talks- I pretty much have her around for sex since Tegan's been gone.
Tegan's been talking about shit like morals and how I need them. If I have morals, I won't have fun, though. I've never been faithful, I've never been able to commit to someone. It's always been an issue, for my girlfriends. I love to cheat and be slutty.
My favorite girl to sleep with is Tegan. Only because there is so much risk with fucking her. I always try to fuck her in public places because she freaks the fuck out. The adrenaline turns us both on but Tegan acts like it doesn't.
Tegan won't admit it but she's got to much passion for me and so when we have sex, it's probably the hottest sex I've ever had, and I've had a lot of sex.
"Just come over, Tee. You know that you'll have a good time." I say in what I hope is a seductive tone. Tegan sighs, she's frustrated. "Come on, girl. I can make you feel better." I keep talking. "I want to hug those curves of yours." Tegan groans.
"Fine. Come pick me up, though." Tegan finally replies.
I agree and go climb into my car; I have another blunt ready for the drive back home. I like to piss Tegan off. She always worries about my health, now. Funny how she used to smoke so much and it'd piss me off, but once we retired from making music I started smoking. We're not old, we just were hit with a huge writers block. We still tour around and play our old stuff but we've got a lot of free time. I took up drugs because I'm generally bored. So I smoke a lot of weed, do some cocaine and drink often.
I park in front of Tegan's house and shoot her a demanding text because I got to let her know: She's my bitch. She comes outside, wearing shorts. Jean shorts. Ripped out jean shorts at that. I can't tell what shirt she's wearing because she's got a Pea Coat over it and she's holding it to her body, like she's cold. Tegan's also wearing low-top black Converse and her hairs grown a lot since I've last seen her. It's in messy natural curls. She gets in the car and I smile. "Hey, Tee." She looks straight ahead, uncrossing her arms. She's wearing a simple white tank top.
"Hi." She states softly. I chuckle and put the car into drive, taking off. Once I get closer to my house, I pull out the blunt and light it. I feel Tegan get tense and I smirk; inhaling and exhaling. Tegan groans, "Fuck, Sara. You're not supposed to even smoke. You've got asthma."
I laugh, "Shit, babe. It's mild asthma. No big deal, just calm down. Here." I hand her the blunt and she takes it; inhaling it. "Good girl." I say as I watch her from the corner of my eye.
Eventually, we make it back to my place and I see Tegan finally relax. I climb out of the car and open her door. She climbs out and makes it back into my house. "Want anything?" I ask her, locking my door after we walk in. "Coke, Wine, Beer?" Tegan peels off her Pea Coat and takes off her shoes. She shakes her head and I wrap my arms around her waist. "Hey.. Be happy. You know that you're my girl. My favorite."
Tegan pushes me away and walks to my stairs. "Let's hurry up and get this over with so you can make me leave." I follow her and once we get the the bedroom, I press her against the wall. "You're staying the night." She sighs and looks at me, finally. "Sure." I kiss her jawline, "I'm crazy about you." She laughs. "Why do you keep lying about this shit, Sara?"
I sigh and sit on the bed, "What do you want me to say?"
Tegan opts to sitting on the floor. "The truth."
I sit down on the floor with her, "I'm bored, Tegan. I have no fucking life anymore."
"Bored.. Is that why you started beating Stacy? Or is that the drugs and alcohol?"
"I don't beat you." I protest.
"Anymore." Tegan whispers. I turn to her and bite my lip.
"I beat Stacy because she's not you. I miss you and I get so fucking angry with myself for fucking shit up with you." Whatever I got to say to get in her pants…
"I'm married, Sara." She says simply; like it's the answer to all my questions.
"You're not in love." I reply, sheepishly.
"Yes, I am." Tegan says, her voice is hallow. It reminds me of someone on Xanax or Prozac. To be honest, I'm not sure if Tegan's even sane.
"No, because you come here and you let me touch you." I tell her.
Tegan smiles, sadly. "Exactly." She turns to me and says, "I come here and love you and I pretend you love me back."
I don't know what to say or think. I should've known Tegan was in love with me.
"Why are you with Lindsey?" I ask, slowly.
Tegan shrugs, "She's a safety net because I can't ever be secure with you."
I nod, "Then why do you always come when I ask?"
Tegan sighs, "The hardest thing I'd ever do is say goodbye to you. I can't walk away from you. Because you're the only thing ever on my mind and I don't want you to forget about me, so when I have the privilege to be with you and to have your attention; I take advantage of you. Every ounce of love I have, is invested in you.
See, I stay awake at night, tossing and turning, wishing that the body next to me was yours. That'll never happen, though. I've accepted this.
You've got a way with words, you know. Sometimes I pretend that I'm lucky and I'm the only girl you say these things too. I try to be something more than another girl. When I stay the night, you've got breakfast in bed. I back off and let you have your space. I let you sleep in your bed without me clinging onto you. Sure I'm in the bed but I'm not holding onto you."
Tegan looks up at me sadly.
"I just wish that you'd realize all that I am. Or that maybe that I'm something important. Anything that would make you want me more than anything."
"You have to love yourself, Sara. Then you can love someone else. Then you can see someone's love for you because we're all here waiting for you."
Tegan stands up, "When you decide who you want; call me."