"Princess Bubblegum," I said in my lowest, most seductive voice.
"Yes, Jake?" she said, turning and giving me that perky smile.
I lowered my voice another octave and said "Will you marry me?"
She started giggling hysterically, "Jake, stop being gross! You're supposed to propose to Lady Rainicorn!"
"Ugghhhhh!" I moaned. "I know, but I was practicing on you! I want to be able to propose in such a sexy, sultry, epic voice that no lady could turn it down! Of course if you said yes, that would have been awkward because I would have had to crush your dreams-"
"Aww, Jake, don't be nervous." she cooed and scratched behind my ears. "Lady is one of my best friends and she loves you. She'll say yes no matter how you ask her."
"Umm, I dunno. She seemed pretty upset that I was leaving for Aaa with Finn."
"But you're coming back just for her! You can't have a romantic gesture much more grand than that!" she said, spreading her hands through the air with a dreamy smile.
I wanted to believe PB, but just thinking about it made my stomach all funky. It didn't help that we were flying super fast across the ocean on a gigantic bird (I tried not to look down). I thought about all the stuff I was giving up coming back for her. I left my only living bro, Finn, in Aaa with his sister and aunt trying to find any remaining humans. I couldn't shake the guilt for that. What if Finn needed my help or if I just saw him for the last time? Who knew how dangerous peeps in Aaa were?
I suddenly noticed PB staring at me with a motherly smile, so I said "Seriously, chick, don't accept that proposal. It was just practice."
"Believe me, Jake, I'm not. I'm just noticing that you look pretty worried. Look, just be yourself and do something from the heart."
"Gross! She wants me to give her my heart guts? Won't I die from that?" I morphed myself into the shape of a veined, beating heart, hoping maybe I could win Lady over that way instead.
"Umm, no. And change back into a dog- that's disturbing." She waited as I morphed back with a rubbery balloon sound. "Look, all I'm saying is that you're trying so hard to practice being sexy and sultry, but do you think that's the dog Lady fell in love with?"
"Hey, are you saying I'm not sexy?" I said, pointing my finger at the pink princess.
"No, you're sexy…" there was an awkward pause, "to Lady Rainicorn. What I'm saying is that you're a lazy, chubby, playful puppy dog. You're sweet, but you've got rough edges, and you're pretty darn loyal. Also, you have fun stretchy powers, you can cook alright, and you're amazing with music. Just use one of those qualities to your advantage when you propose if you want it to be memorable. Don't morph a fake six-pack on your stomach."
"Glob, I was totally gonna do that." I mumbled. I looked back up at PB, who was losing interest in our conversation. I grabbed her hand and begged, "PLEASE, just tell me exactly how to propose to her! I know I act like I'm good with the babes, but they actually scare the wonkies outta me!"
She turned up her nose and said "I'm not going to come up with your proposal plan! Then in wouldn't be sincere and she'll be able to tell."
"Don't make me howl, PB." I threatened.
"You howl?"
"ARHOOOOOOO!" I yowled, throwing my head back at the moon. "ARHOOOOO! ARHOOO! TELL MEEE! ARHOO!"
"Alright, Jake, Jake STOP!" shouted PB over my howls and placing her hand over my mouth. "Look, write her a song! Are you happy now? You'd better be because I'm not getting more specific than that."
"Aww, she won't be impressed with that! She's way good at music and junk." I sighed.
"Well, you told Finn to serenade me once."
"Yeah, but I just wanted to see him in that funny costume. Also, I thought you'd be impressed because you can't carry a tune to save your life."
PB glared at me and didn't talk that much for the rest of the trip. I thought more and more about writing Lady a song. As long as it came from my heart guts, she'd love it, right? Even if I made a dork of myself, she wouldn't say no just because of that.
Well, she might say no because I'm chubby.
Or because I place way too much importance on food, especially ice cream.
Or because she doesn't want dog children- she's never said that, but a lot of Rainicorns would.
Or because I don't know how to keep a clean place, and she's such a neat freak. What if we divorce just because I don't bathe enough or I never put my pants in the hamper?
I whined softly under my breath. What had I gotten myself into?
XXX
Lady sobbed into my gut while I soothed her. It was way awkward; I mean, I know girls cry when they're really happy sometimes, but I just don't get why. Princess Bubblegum had told her to wait on top of the hill outside the candy kingdom for a surprise. It was kind of special and junk because it's where we had our first kiss. When Lady saw that I was the surprise she kind of lost it.
"It's umm, it's ok, Lady?" I said, stroking her blond-white hair and trying to avoid her horn as she burrowed into me.
"I'm sorry, Jake! I thought you would be gone for years! Why are you back without Finn? Did something happen to him?" She sat up and her large black eyes searched mine. Her voice, even when it was choked up with tears, was still soft and lilting. Of course, she was also saying everything in Korean, which I understood for some reason. Maybe I got the ability to understand it from that same mud puddle I got my powers from as a pup. Or maybe I just understood it because we were soul mates?
"Jake?" she asked, sounding worried.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I got distracted." She smiled gracefully at me. She was a one in a million girl- who else wouldn't get mad at their boyfriend for getting distracted when they were crying? "Yeah, Finn is fine. I'm really going to miss him."
"Well, then why are you here?"
"I'm here because I didn't want to lose you."
"Oh." she said, wiping her multicolored tears and blushing, "I'm so sorry I was the cause of you separating from Finn."
"Don't you see, Rainicorn? I love you. I mean, I love Finn, too, but he had to go out on his own sometime, and we deserve to be able to start a life together."
"Start a…" she took a moment to think, "Jake, are you proposing that we move in together?" She had a big grin across her face and arched her rainbow-striped back in excitement.
"Oh, I'm proposing more than that." I said with a grin.
She cocked her head, wondering if I meant what she probably thought I did.
I took out my bag from my bicycle, which I had some very important marriage proposal items. The first one I drew was some sparkling wine from the nectar of the wine beetle and a stemmed glass that I poured for her. She took it gingerly and looked away, batting her long eyelashes. I just wanted to count them. I actually started to, but then I shook my head, returning to my bag- I had to stay focused.
The second thing I pulled out was my Viola. She made a soft little coo and pulled out her viola.
"Nah, Lady, just wait for me to play you this." I said, putting my paw up. She cocked her head and nodded.
I took a deep breath, tried to stop panting, and started playing peppy little C and G cords.
"You're a part time lover and a full time friend
The monkey on your back is the latest trend
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you."
Lady had a big smile on those face and those fat, happy tears were welling up in her eyes again. I guess PB's advice was pretty good. I sang the next verse with a little more confidence.
"So I have floppy ears and you've got a pointy horn
Doesn't really make a reason for scorn
I just want you to marry me, Lady Rainicorn.
Yes, you."
Lady covered her mouth and gasped at my last lyric, her eyes the size of baseballs. I grinned, hoping her reaction was still positive.
"Here is the church and here is the steeple
At the reception we'll hire a dancing beetle
I just want you to marry me, Lady Rainicorn
Yes, you.
I'll find my nitch with your viola
Then we'll go get an ice cream and a cola
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you."
I bopped up and down and swooped in to peck her cheek before singing the chorus.
"Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu du"
It may sound like I didn't want to come up with lyrics for that part, but "Du du du" is actually an ancient Rainicorn phrase meaning "You are my light." That's the only thing I remembered from the Rainicorn book I read in the library that one time.
"Up up down down left right left right B A start You Squinched up your face and did a dance
Just because Beemo uses cheats doesn't mean we're not smart
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
You are always trying to keep it real
I'm in love with how you feel
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you
You shook a little turd out of the bottom of your pants
I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else
But you"
She began playing a harmony on her viola with mine and began singing with me,
"Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu
Du du du du du du dudu du
But youuuuuuu."
Our voices both stopped at the same time as she gazed into my eyes. Before I knew it I was tackled to the ground and wrapped in my girlfriend's long, colorful body as she kissed me all over.
"Ahh! Haha, Lady is that a yes?" I laughed. Her horse lips tickled my tummy.
"Oh, Jake, of course it is! Yes, I'll marry you!"
Correction: I was wrapped in my fiancé's long, colorful body. "Aww, yeuuhhh, I am one lucky dog."
She laughed and planted a steamy kiss on my dog lips. I sighed and tried to regain my thoughts.
"Wait, I have something else for you, Lady." I went to my backpack and pulled out my third and probably most important proposal item- an engagement pendant (a much more common tradition for Rainicorns than rings. Dogs don't really have engagement traditions- they just wait until they have a litter and then get married).
Her eyes widened with awe at the sight of the awesome pendant. "You like that?" I asked proudly.
"Oh yes, Jake, where did you get something so magnificent?" she asked, reaching out to feel the gem.
"It was a prize Finn and I got at the end of this super tough dungeon. I totally had to slay 17 and a half trolls for this thing. It was months ago, but I guess I was just waiting for the right time to give it to you."
She drew my into a tight embrace as I slipped the pendant around her elegant neck. The gem was shaped like a diamond and glowed in the sunlight like a multi-faceted rainbow. It was set in a dark red leather band that had tiny stones of onyx all along the bottom.
She hung her head to admire her new blingage, "Oh, Jake, there are so many colors!"
"Yeah, it's pretty, but its colors don't shine as brightly as yours."
She grinned mischievously, "Wanna celebrate by running naked through that cabbage patch again?"
"DO I EVER?" I hopped on her back, and we flew off into the sunset to have fun engagement time.
Author's note: The song in here is "Anyone else but you" by the Moldy Peaches (which, along with Adventure Time, I do not own!). The lyrics are slightly personalized for Jake and Lady. I just feel like I've skimmed over their sweet relationship in my story and wanted to devote a little one shot to them. Hope you enjoyed and review por favor!