My sister and I were very, very bored one day. So we came up with this. Enjoy. :)
Disclaimer: I don't own anything other than my own comments
THE COMPLETE AND INDEPTH COMMENTARY OF LANA AND CHLOE'S AWKWARD SCENE IN 'UNSAFE'
Lana: "Hey."
Chloe: "Hey. Missed you in AP Lit today. *Standing for Advanced Placement Literature.* "What happened? Did you decide you just couldn't face 'The Love Songs of J. Alfred Prufrock?'" *Which is a poem by T.S Elliot. Also note that Chloe says 'Prufrock' strangely. Why?*
Lana: "No...um, I went to go see Jason. *She skipped class to see her college boyfriend whom she met in Paris. Even though she is in year twelve and should be at school. What a rebel.*
Chloe: "I'm sensing it didn't go so well. *Notice that Chloe seems more interested in her computer screen. Lana then looks like 'excuse me, it could have gone awesome.'* "Sorry, but your poker face isn't exactly your strong suit. *Funny, it doesn't look like she is even trying to hide her emotions behind a poker face.* "What's up?"
Lana: "I think I finally figured out why he's been so cryptic. *And now the first mention of sex without using the word.* "He doesn't think I am ready for that kind of a relationship."
Chloe: "What? What kind?" *Yes, what kind of relationship could it be? The kind where you share an apartment together? The kind where you get a puppy together? What other kind of relationship could Lana possibly be talking about?*
*Lana turns, and from her facial expression she makes it all glaringly obvious as to what kind of relationship she is referring to. And now the second mention of sex without using the word.*
Chloe: "Oh that kind. Oh, okay. *Clears throat.* "Wow, that answers a question I've been dying to ask you all semester." *Suggestively said.*
*Fake acting in 3...2...1* Lana: Does everyone think that we've..." *THIRD MENTION OF NOT SEX! WE'RE ON A ROLL!*
Chloe: "Lana, *The 'as if you didn't know' eye roll and head tilt.* "You were alone with him for three months... in Paris." So DUH everyone thinks you've slept with him.*
Lana: "Right...um. *She realises how people came to the conclusion.* "Well...we haven't, but I'm starting to think that I'm ready." * To become the evil Lana we all know and love. FOURTH MENTION! And then she walks away, leaving Chloe to contemplate the meaning of her words. Chloe thinks hard about how to counter that.*
Chloe: "First off, don't do this just because you're afraid to lose him if you don't." *Naww.. Chloe being all wise and helpful. FIFTH MENTION! They just can't seem to say it!*
Lana: "It's not that, it's just Jason's in college, *Because that instantly means that he's had sex.* "And I think he's used to relationships that are...that are a little more adult." *SIXTH MENTION!*
Chloe: "Okay well at the risk of going after-school special on you, 2/3rds of all people under the age of eighteen regret doing it too soon. *First off, how does Chloe know this? Does she look on Wiki the statistics of sex? Secondly, SEVENTH MENTION! Lana then nods, taking in this wise information.* "And on behalf of that two thirds, *Lana's delayed reaction. OMG, ITS SCANDALOUS! Did you just hear Chloe say 'On behalf of that 2/3rds'? Lana looks up, realising what Chloe has just said.* "just be sure that you're really ready."
*Lana in shock.* "Wait a minute. Are you saying that you've..." *EIGHT MENTION! GETTING ANNOYING!
Chloe: "Yeah."
*Cue: Lana's 'tell me when' facial expression.*
Chloe: "During my internship at the Daily Planet." *Well, that's a bit...weird. She was only 15-going-on-16. That's a bit...adventurous.
*Cue: Lana's 'tell me with whom' facial expression.*
*And now, Chloe's expression/head roll and tut, which means: Oh fine, since you pressured me into it, I guess I'll tell you, even though I am just guessing what you are saying by your facial expressions and it seems that I have wanted to tell you all along because of my tone of voice and by the way I just seem to offer this information.* Chloe: "His name was Jimmy...he was very cute, in a bow-tie kinda way. You know, I mean it was...it was a summer infatuation that I thought was the real thing." *That's expected, since she had had no other un-complicated relationship to base it on.*
Lana: "Do you wish you hadn't done it?" *NINTH MENTION!*
Chloe: Sometimes. I mean, it wasn't awful by any means, but it just wasn't special. And as cliché as it sounds, it only happens once. So just make sure Jason's the guy you wanna remember forever." *OMG! THEY'VE DONE IT! CUE STREAMERS AND BALLOONS! THE TENTH MENTION!*
*And finish off with Lana contemplating the sensible advice her friend has given her. But still, really she should be thinking about why they have not said the word' sex' once, since if she wants to have it she really should be able to say the word.*
*Well... at least Chloe's awkward hug wasn't in this scene, nor was she crying, which she seems to do in every episode in season one. And it's bad it wasn't the Righteous-Independent Lana which would have made the scene much more funnier, since she is no longer allowed near Clark *