*Author's note* Hello Beautiful people! Thank you for clicking on this and taking time to read my stuff! I really appreciate it! :) This is based off the song "You Should Be Here" by Cole Swindell, so if you would like, you can listen to that while reading! There are some tiny spoilers for Beyond for the last part, so if you don't want that, please don't read or read up to that point! I have it marked! I apologize if this is terrible, but I do hope you enjoy! :)
*Disclaimer* I do not own Star Trek or its characters. If I did, Jim and I would be married and I'd be Captain of my own starship!
You should be here, Jim thinks as he stares at the large building that looms before him. He glances around nervously, before deciding that the ground sure seems like a good thing to look at. He doesn't want to go in there. He doesn't know anyone. What if they don't like him? What if they think he's stupid? What if they're mean to him? He just wants to go home. Who needs school anyway?
He looks up to see another little boy his age in an embrace with his parents. Jim feels tears prick his eyes, and bites his lip. He wants that, what the other boy has, but his mom couldn't be bothered to show up to drop him off for his first day of school. No, she'd taken some extra shifts for work and wouldn't be home for another week or two. And his dad…Jim felt a tear fall down his cheek and clenched his fists at his sides. He'd never met his dad. His mom had said he was on a far away mission, in a place called Heaven, and couldn't come home. She'd said he was a hero. But Jim didn't want his dad to be a hero on a far away mission. Jim wanted his dad to be there, in this moment, hugging him and telling him he would be okay, that he'd see him after school, and then he'd wipe Jim's tears away, and give him a big smile.
"What if they don't like me, daddy?"
"Not like you? That's nonsense, Jimmy! You're a Kirk. We're known for charming the pants off of people."
Jim would giggle. His dad would hug him one more time, then give him a playful push toward the school.
Jim feels another tear fall from his eye, and lowers his head, dragging his feet as he walks toward the school. He just wanted his parents there, but they weren't, and he'd have to brave this alone. He just hoped his dad would be proud of him when he came home.
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You should be here, Jim thinks as he runs down the field, the ball at his feet, the sun beating down on his back. He takes a deep breath before kicking the ball with all his might. The crowd erupts in cheers, and Jim is confused for several moments, before he realizes he did it! He scored the winning goal. His teammates crowd around him, some slapping his back, others hugging him, before running off to their families. It's a bittersweet victory. Sure, he won the game, but he has to celebrate it alone. His mom's off planet again. Her new husband, Frank decided a nice cold beer and the couch would be a nice way to the start, and Jim's pretty sure that when he gets home, he'll find him still passed out there.
"Great job, Kirk!" his coach says, patting his shoulder. "I knew there was going to be a star player in you." He rushes to a group of kids, leaving Jim alone on the field.
Jim collects his belongings, and begins his long walk home. He passes some of his teammates and their families as he meanders through the parking lt. He sees the way the parents grin with pride, and he can't get rid of the feeling of disappointment that has welled up in the pit of his stomach. He just wants his dad here, looking at him the same way, a loving hand on his shoulder, a smile in his eyes.
"Did you see that dad? I did it just like you showed me!" Jim would have beamed.
"You sure did, Jimmy! You did so good!"
But that was never going to happen, because his dad had wanted to play the hero.
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You should be here, Jim thinks as he pulls himself off the ground, and dusts the dirt off his clothes.
"What is your name citizen?"
"My name is James Tiberius Kirk," Jim states defiantly. He puts on a show of confidence, acts unaffected, but on the inside he's absolutely shaking. He had almost died, after all. He had done it to rebel, show his mom that he wasn't always such a good little boy. As the cop put the handcuffs on him, he suddenly began to regret it. What was he thinking?
As Jim sat in his cell, waiting for someone to pick him up, he couldn't help but think of his dad yet again. He should be there, storming in, giving a stern look only a father could give. Neither he nor Jim would say a word all the way home. But once they pulled up, his dad would stop him at the stairs of the front porch and have him sit. He'd sit right next to him. There would be silence for a few more moments, before his father would erupt.
"What the hell were you thinking, Jimmy? You could have died! When they called me…" He shakes his head. "I was so scared that I had lost you. I'm just glad you're okay, son."
Jim would look at his dad with wide eyes, clearly shocked by his dad's words.
"You're not mad that I drove your most prized possession over a cliff?"
"Oh, no. I'm still pissed about that, Jimmy, but it was nothing but a car. You're my son. I'm angrier that you risked your life."
He'd pull Jim into a side hug. "I love you, Jimmy. Don't ever do it again."
Jim would stand and bolt toward the door, but his father would stop him again. "Just because I'm relieved your alive doesn't mean you're not getting punished. You are grounded for a very long time!" It would turn out being an empty threat, because deep down his dad was a big softie.
Jim smiled at the thought. It was a nice dream that occupied him as they sky got dark, and he continued to wait for someone who clearly wasn't going to show up anytime soon.
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You should be here, Jim thinks as the Starfleet officer pulls him into his arms.
"It's okay now, son," the man says. "You're safe now."
But Jim doesn't feel safe. Not after all he'd just witnessed. He knows he'll never be the same after the events that had occurred on this God awful planet. He's just seen the worst of humanity at the ripe age of thirteen.
All he wishes for in that moment is his father. He had wished for his father the moment the famine started. He had wished for his dad the moment the killing began. He had wished for his dad every night as he and the other kids in their small group had to do whatever it took to eat. He had wished his dad was there the first time he'd had to kill a man to save one of the other kids. He had wished for his dad as his body had begun to shut down. He had wished for his dad over and over again, but he'd never wished for him me than he did in that moment.
He just wanted his dad to be the one that held Jim tightly against his chest and tell him that nothing would ever hurt him that way again. He wanted his dad to brush his hair back, kiss his forehead, and tell him that he loved him so much. He wanted to feel the comfort of his father's arms as he cried out everything he's had to hold back.
But his dad wasn't there. He would never be there, Jim thought ruefully, as the man with the graying hair, the one who had carried him this far, put him in gently into a shuttle and instructed a doctor to look over him.
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You should be here, Jim thinks as he touches the red mark on his cheek. It only stings a little now. He's gotten used to this—the black eyes, the split the lips, the bruises that adorn his entire body. He really doesn't feel it anymore. Ever since Sam left and Jim got back from Tarsus IV, he's become Frank's personal punching. Guess he was upset that he would have to help raise Winona and George Kirk's youngest son. After all, that was why Frank had convinced his mom to send him to that dreadful planet in the first place.
If only dad had been here… Jim thinks angrily as he climbs out of his bedroom window and onto the roof, where he situates himself to look up at the stars. If his dad had been here, he wouldn't have been punched around in the first place. His mom never would have married Frank. Sam never would have left Jim alone with this man. His mom wouldn't spend so much time working in space. Jim wouldn't be so broken and alone.
He gazes out at the stars, and can't help but imagine his dad showing up, and dragging him from this hellhole. He knows that it's impossible. George Kirk is as dead as dead can be. His body is probably ashes out there in the twinkling lights Jim has grown oh so fond of. When he looks at the stars, he feels close to his dad.
He just wishes his father would come in and give Frank a taste of his own medicine. He'd put him in the hospital like Frank had done to Jim so many times, and he'd warn him that if he ever came near his son again, he'd end up in the ground and not a hospital bed.
It's a nice delusion, Jim thinks, shivering as a crisp wind picks up. It feels cool, and almost comforting again his marked cheek. Jim knows his dad is never coming back, but he still wishes with everything in him that he would. As Jim sits upon the roof, dreaming underneath the stars—the thing that keeps him close to his dad—Jim has never felt more alone.
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You should be here, Jim thinks as a small birthday cake is sat in front of him. His mom was home from work for the first time in months, and Jim is taken aback that this is actually happening. His mom almost always worked on his birthdays growing up, so she didn't have to be reminded of the dreadful day that occurred eighteen years ago. But this year, she had specifically requested time off to spend with Jim to celebrate his birthday, and he would be forever grateful.
Jim can see the tears sparkling in his mom's eyes as her gaze meets his. He wants to take away the never ending pain that has plagued her for so long, to make her happy, but he can't. She'll never be able to push on and pretend it never happened. Not with Jim around. He's he walking, smooth talking replica of his father, a constant reminder that what should have been the happiest day of her life had become her worst, a day that she lived over and over again. Jim knows that she is trying her best, because that's what she always does…what she's always done.
Jim wishes his father was here. Then, he wouldn't have to see the heartache that reflects back at him in his mom's eyes. His brother would still be there. They'd be one big, happy family—the family Jim's dreamed of having his whole life.
Today is supposed to be a momentous occasion in Jim's life. He's eighteen, now officially an adult. It should have been a big deal. His parents would be holding onto each other, his mom in tears over how her baby was now a man, and his father offering him advice on dealing with this crazy thing called life. Jim would grimace and feign annoyance, but deep down, it would mean the world to him.
But instead of happy tears in his mom's eyes, it's tears of what should have been and what will never be, and Jim hates his father for what he's done to them. Jim hates his father for destroying their family.
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You should be here, Jim thinks as he sits at one of the tables of the now very messed up bar. Napkins hang out of his nose and his head is pounding. He tries to exude confidence, but he knows that he's lost every shred of his dignity.
Across the table, Captain Christopher Pike looks him up and down. "You know, I couldn't believe it when the bartender told me who you are," Pike says with a small laugh.
Jim takes a swig of his drink. "And who am I, Captain Pike?"
He answers back immediately. "You father's son."
Jim rolls his eyes and asks for another drink.
"For my dissertation, I was assigned the USS Kelvin. Something I admired about your dad, he didn't believe in no win scenarios."
Jim lets out a huff as he pulls the napkins from his nose. "Sure learned his lesson." He'd heard this shpeel his whole life. "Oh, Jim, your father was such a hero!" "James, why can't you be more like your father?" "Look at that boy, George Kirk's troublemaking son. What a disgrace to such an admired man!" He waited for Pike to start in with how he was a disgrace to his father's name and reputation, but the words never left his mouth.
"Well, it depends on how you define winning—you're here aren't you?"
"Thanks."
"You know that instinct to leap without looking? That was his nature too. And in my opinion, something Starfleet's lost."
Jim can't help the laugh that escapes his mouth. "Why are you talking to me man?"
"Cause I looked up your file while you were drooling on the floor. Your aptitude tests are off the chart, so what is it? You like being the only genius level repeat offender in the Midwest?"
"Maybe I love it."
"So your dad dies…you can settle for a less than ordinary life, but you feel like you were meant for something better, something special. Enlist in Starfleet."
"Enlis—" Jim laughs again. Him? Join Starfleet…the same organization that helped take away his father's life, his mom's time? "You guys must be way down in your recruiting quota for the month."
"If you're half the man your father was, Jim, Starfleet could use you. You could be an officer in four years, have your own ship in eight…you understand what the Federation is, don't you? It's important. It's a peacekeeping and humanitarian armada—"
"You done?" He's having a hard time listening to Pike. This man isn't his father. That's who should have been here, trying to help Jim discover what he should do with his life. His father should be the one telling him all of Starfleet's greatest qualities in hopes that his son would become a second generation captain. But he's not, because he decided to join this supposed "peacekeeping armada," and helped Jim grow up to be the man who couldn't live up to his father's name.
Pike eyes Jim before nodding his head. "I'm done." He stands and looks down at Jim. "Riverside shipyard, shuttle for new recruits leaves tomorrow at 0800." Jim raises his glass, and Pike gives him a quick, sad smile. "You know, your father was captain of a starship for twelve minutes. He saved 800 lives, including your mother's…and yours. I dare you to do better."
He holds Jim's gaze, before he turns and leaves. He's heard it a million times, but as he picks up the tiny starship replica, he can't help but find that it doesn't sit well with him when it's out of Captain Pike's mouth. It churns first in his stomach and then in his head. This man admired his father, but he didn't speak to Jim like others did once they had found out that he was George Kirk's son. No. He had dared him to do better than the man everyone held in high regard, the man everyone said Jim could never live up to.
He hadn't wished for his father since he was eighteen, but in that moment, as he made his decision, he wished his father was there, so that he could see Jim become the better man, the better captain. He'd no longer be seen as George Kirk's failure of a son. He'd be James Tiberius Kirk, the greatest captain Starfleet had and would ever know.
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You should be here, Jim thinks as he stands before the auditorium. He cann't help the smile that graces his face as he relieves Pike. He can feel the pride radiate from Pike as he shakes his hand. He quickly scans the crowd as they erupt into applause, finding his crew…his newfound family in no time. Each one of them was a little broken and lost, but they had found each other, and he couldn't help the love he felt for each of them. They all grin back at him, and he feels water welling up in his eyes. He blinks rapidly until he knows it won't fall.
He hasn't been this happy in, well, he'd never been as happy as he is in this moment. He has a group of people who love him and support him, who are proud of him. And he's proud of himself too. He's become the captain of his own starship in just three years—faster than anyone else in the history of Starfleet. He's just so happy.
But he can't help the ping of sadness that briefly hits him. This is one of the most important moments in his life, and the one person he wished to have been here and seen it was long gone. He'd been so angry at his father for so long, and he still kind of was, but he had just faced his father's killer, and couldn't help but wish the man was here to celebrate this with him. He felt closer to him than he had in a while.
He wishes his father was here to pull him into a loving embrace, while he mom stands by and takes pictures. He wishes his father was here to announce to everyone that passes them by that his son is the youngest captain in Starfleet history. He wishes his father was here to give him the biggest smile and tell him that he always knew his little Jimmy would grow up to do great things.
But it would never be a reality, so he wishes for the only thing he can. He wishes that his father, wherever his soul may be, is looking down on his boy beaming with pride.
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You should be here, Jim thinks as he once again finds himself sitting in a bar with no hope in front of him. Admiral Pike sits next to him. The man has become a father figure to him, and he only has love and admiration for him. This man has always believed in him no matter what odds were stacked against him.
But it's not Pike he wants sitting next to him, telling him "everything's going to be okay, son," as Jim feels tears threaten to spill down his cheeks. No. It's not Pike. He wants his father telling him this is just a setback, and that he'll have his ship back in no time. Jim is too caught up in the moment, too emotional, and all he wants is his father.
You should be here, Jim thinks as he sits against the wall of the warp core chamber. He can feel the radiation running its course through his body, taking his life force, and knows that he doesn't have long. He sees the grim look on Scotty's face as he speaks to someone—probably Spock—through his communicator.
He finds his prediction to be correct when his First Officer appears before the older man. He points him toward the chamber, and Spock runs to him. He can briefly hear Scotty telling him something about radiation contaminating the whole compartment if he opens the door.
Jim moves around in an attempt to make himself as comfortable as possible. He reaches up to close the warp core chamber door that sits behind him. His breaths become harder, shorter. He looks at Spock through lidded eyes.
"How's the ship?" Of course that's the first thing he asks. After all, he's practically married to her.
"Out of danger." Jim feels relief flood through him.
"Good."
"You saved the crew," Spock says.
"You used what he wanted against him…that's a nice move."
He's surprised at the emotion that's evident on Spock's face.
"It is what you would have done."
"This…this is what you would have done. It was only logical." Everything hurts, and he's struggling to breathe. "I'm scared, Spock." He's shocked at the revelation. He's never been one to admit fear. "Help me not be."
Even though he's speaking to Spock, he's thinking about his father, too. Is this how he felt when his end was drawing near? Spock is there, and Scotty's not too far behind. He's grateful for them; they're part of the family he found all on his own. But as he enters into his final moments, it's not just his crew he wants there. He wants his father to be on the other side of the glass. He wants to hear his father tell him that everything's going to be okay, that he's so, so proud of Jim, and that he loves him more than anything in this world or the next. Jim focuses back on his First Officer, his brother.
"How do you choose not to feel?"
Spock shakes his head, and Jim sees teas sparkling in his eyes. Jim can feel some in his own. "I do not know," Spock replies. "Right now I am failing."
"Both are silent for several moments. Jim finally breaks the silence. "I want you to know why I couldn't let you die…why I went back for you."
"Because you are my friend."
He feels himself slipping, and finds his thoughts go back to her dad. All that time he had spent hating his father, he now regretted. He finally understood why he had done what he had. Love. Love for his ship. Love for his crew. Love for his family. He hadn't even met Jim, but he'd loved him so much that he'd given his life to save him. Love had motivated him just as love had motivated Jim.
He'd hated how people had always compared him to his father, but in this moment, he wouldn't want to be compared to anyone else. Jim and George had a lot more in common than just genes, and he'd never been more proud to be the son of a hero. He'd spent all that time hating his father, but now he truly understood the sacrifice he had made and loved him more than he ever thought he could.
With the last but of strength Jim had left, he lifted his hand and placed his hand on the glass. Spock followed suit. He did his best to form the Vulcan farewell salute, Spock's fingers moving to match his. They shared one last glance.
He couldn't breathe, couldn't speak. He hoped this final look conveyed what he felt for Spock. For Scotty. For Bones. For Uhura and Chekov and Sulu. For the rest of his crew, his ship, and his mom. Everything was getting darker and his body began to numb.
He had one last wish as he took his final breaths. He wished to meet his father, to have him be the first thing he saw when he opened his eyes again on the other side.
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(*Author's Note* Spoilers for Beyond in this part. Nothing major, but still want to warn anyone who doesn't want to read them!)
You should be here, Jim thinks. He's been thinking of his dad an awful lot lately. He's tried to get him off his mind, but it only seemed to get worse. Particularly after the pre-birthday talk with Bones. He walks behind the man who helped save his life nearly five years ago, his best friend and brother. He has no idea where the god doctor is leading him but follows nonetheless.
As they enter a room, Jim is genuinely surprised at the chorus' of "Happy Birthday!" He looks over at Bones, who grins devilishly. He's so grateful for these people. He just loves them so much! He'd said he didn't want to celebrate his birthday, but he's never been so glad to have one.
After speeches are given and hugs are to be had, he finds himself in a corner, staring out a window, thinking once again of his father. He's a year older than his dad was when he died, barely. He'd have a few near death experiences over the past couple days with his ship being destroyed and having to fight Krall and all. He wishes his dad was there to see the man his son had become. He wishes that his father had been there to see all the moments that had defined him, that led him to becoming his own man, and not a George Kirk mini me.
He watches as his ship is being rebuilt, and he can feel that his family is there next to him. He can't wait to get back into the unknown of space with them. As he moves his head, something catches his eye. Bright, cerulean eyes stare back at him, a mirror of his own. He's standing on the other side of the glass. Jim feels tears prick his eyes when he sees the pride that radiates from the man looking back at him. He'd wished so long for this, to see his father look at him like this, even for a moment. His father gives him a smile and a nod of his head before disappearing. Sure, there will be times in the future when Jim wishes his father was there, but he won't have to wish for long, because he finally knows that his father has been watching him from afar his whole life, and he'll be there in those moments too.