Turning The Page

Set between The House Of The Dead and Miracle Day.

The Cardiff sky was dark and grey, spitting out droplets on the people below, running to their homes. One man stayed in the rain, letting his long military coat soak up the tears of the clouds. He walked through the city, avoiding the bay at all costs. The side streets were his new pathways, where no one would notice him in the rain. The man looked up, looking at the sky. He let the rain hit his face, collect in his eyes, and soak him completely. They helped hide the tears, hold them back for a little while longer. He tried to smile, but his mouth refused to move. Nothing could make it move, not yet anyhow.

"You see what you've done?" Jack muttered, shaking his head. He shut his eyes, letting one tear escape, then turned his head to the floor, still walking.

Jack reached Ianto's front door. The paint was chipping, and there was an eviction sign. No one had informed the landlord that he'd died. No one could. Still, it was the last chance to collect the remaining belongings that Ianto had, seeing as most had been destroyed when the hub exploded. Jack swallowed, wondering what he would find inside. He'd never been at Ianto's apartment before, this was his first time. Funny, how even though Ianto was gone, they were still having firsts.

Jack grabbed the key to the door from his pocket, and unlocked the door. He didn't want to break in, it would seem rude and disrespectful. After all, Ianto always respected the dead. He'd want the same respect. Jack wondered, would Ianto have wanted him to go into his house, go through his belongings, rummage around for something to keep him sane? Ianto might have said it was a breech of privacy, and hated Jack for it. Or maybe he would have wanted it, Jack to make the effort he never did during their time together: an effort to learn more about him.

Jack turned the handle slowly, hearing the creak of the door. The floor was covered in bills and letters. Jack picked the up, flicking through them. Electricity, water, gas, TV, more electricity, food menu, and a letter from Rhiannon. Jack placed the letters on the coffee table near the entrance, next to the large pile of other unopened letters. Jack felt a tinge of guilt. He had kept Ianto away from his family, his life, his home. He had kept him on a leash, never making the true effort to know him for the majority of their relationship, and only puling him close. Jack had always thought Ianto was okay with that, but seeing all of the unopened letters from Rhiannon showed how devoted Ianto was. He was forgotten his family to be with Jack for the majority of the time.

Jack gasped, his greif overtaking his emotions. He felt some comfort in the fact that towards the end, those last few months, the two had become truly close, in love even, but it was all that time before. All that time Jack had never made the effort, hiding from the fact that he had true feelings for Ianto. He had been a coward, and he felt horrible. Even in a thousand years time, he knew that this feeling would remain with him. Forever.

Looking around, Jack noticed how empty the apartment was. Ianto had spent so much time with Jack, in the hub, he must have let his apartment go to waste in the meantime. They had spent almost every night together for the past 6 months, if not more. Ianto never once seemed to care about his appartment, he had always just wanted to stay by Jack. He was loyal to say the least, and comforting. Thinking back, he was the best friend, and boyfriend, Jack had. Sure, he said that after every relationship dwindled out, but Jack could never remember someone who cared so much about him, who understood him, would would sit by his side after he died, holding him and comforting him, even though he would come back.

That was the thing Jack loved about Ianto. Every time someone shot him, or killed him in some way, Ianto was the only on who cared. He would ask Jack how he felt, comfort him, apologise like it was something he could have prevented. When Jack was killed around Ianto, Ianto would always be there when he woke up, holding him, making sure he was alive and coming back. Jack smiled, thinking of the last time Ianto held him like that. His warm arms always there when he woke up, letting Jack know that the world wasn't empty, that he was there. Now, every time he woke up, he felt a pang in his heart: there would never be a Ianto there to hold him. He always woke up to an empty world, alone.

Shaking the bad thoughts out of his mind, Jack walked through the empty living room and into Ianto's bedroom, the one place in the house that looked...alive. The bed was unmade, which made Jack smile. Ianto was always so neat, so he would have only left the bed in this state if he was in a rush to get somewhere. He was always rushing, trying to be prepared and perfect. Next to the bed was a small table with a dusty clock and a lamp, along with some pain killers. Jack looked to the closet doors, which were already open. Most of Ianto's clothes had been kept at the hub, along with Jack's, but there were a few blazers, ties and shirts left over. Jack ran to them as soon as he saw them, grabbing the black blazer and holding it close, as if it was Ianto. His smell, to anyone else, would have worn off, but Jack wasn't like everyone. He could smell Ianto on the blazer as if he was wearing them yesterday. And it hurt, so much, because he wasn't here yesterday, or the day before, or the day before that. Ianto had been gone for 7 months. Really gone. Sure, he'd been there for a flicker in time a month ago, but Jack knew it wasn't him. It was a ghost of him, the closest thing he had to Ianto, and he let him ago. Again. God, he regretted letting Ianto close the rift more than anything. Loosing him twice...it was too much.

Jack threw the blazer on the bed, screaming in anger and pain. He hated himself for letting Ianto die twice. He hated himself for never loving Ianto as much as he wanted to. He hated the fact he never told Ianto, while he was really alive, that he loved him. He screamed louder, punching his fist into the wall. He felt the tears, the long awaited tears, come pouring down his face. He had so much anger, guilt and greif built up in him, and no one to talk to. Alice refused to see him, the Doctor was far away and he couldn't bare to face Gwen, the sole mortal surviver of Torchwood. Gwen...he felt so guilty for all the flirting he did with her. The dance, the eyes, the everything. He couldn't believe what an ass he was, distracting his true feelings that were hidden away with some casual flirting, right in front of Ianto's poor blue eyes. His eyes...so beautiful, so sad, so longing, so...gone. Forever gone.

The black blazer lay on the bed, in the same place that Ianto always slept on Jack's bed. He smiled, imaging Ianto lying there, looking up at Jack, laughing. Slowly, Jack made his way to Ianto's bed, and lay down next to the blazer, He put the blazer over one of the pillows and held it close, burying his face and crying his heart out. He started to shiver, his sadness overtaking him.

"I love you Ianto, come back. I love you Ianto, come back." Jack whispered the same phrase over and over again into the pillow, the tears washing away Ianto's lingering smell. He could feel the pillow restraining his lungs, but he didn't care. This was the closest he could get to holding Ianto, for the rest of his everlasting life.

Ianto was truly gone. Every since Jack told Ianto he loved him at the house of the dead, he had been holding onto the smallest hope that Ianto could pop back again. If he showed up at the house, he could show up elsewhere. But deep down he knew that he'd never see Ianto again. Only now was that truth really overtaking him.

Suddenly, Jack felt a hard brick shape against his face, coming through the pillow case. Jack sat up, pulling the blazer off and placing it in his lap. He shook the object out of the pillowcase, and was shocked to see a notebook. He picked it up and opened it, only to see Ianto's beautiful writing. Jack gasped. He had known Ianto kept a diary in Torchwood, which was ruined in the explosion. However, this was something separate. A personal diary, if you will. Jack flicked to the first page. It started on the day Ianto started work officially for Torchwood. He gulped back sobs, remembering the way Ianto must have felt at the start, remembering the way they treated him for so long. He read a few lines from the first entry.

"I feel so guilty, so disgusted in myself. It's only my first day, but I can't believe what I've done...what I'm going to do. I made him trust me, I acted normal, and what for? So I can betray him? So I can betray them all? He was so nice too, so different. He actually seemed to like me, trust me, once I showed him what I can do... oh God, what am I doing? Love, well it sure makes you do some crazy things. If I can just get Lisa back to normal, then maybe they will understand. Besides, all I do is fetch coffe so far...what will they care?"

Jack wiped the tears away from his eyes. He had always wondered how Ianto felt about keeping Lisa. He always meant to ask. Now he knew. Ianto felt guilty, he wasn't heartless. He actually liked Torchwood from day one, and it wasn't all one giant plot. Of course Jack had long forgiven him, but still, it was nice to know. Jack turned forward and found the entry from the day Gwen joined. He read a few lines.

"There's someone new, her name, Gwen. She seems nice enough, but then again, they all do. Jack actually joked around with me when he introduced her, as if he was trying to impress her with his kindness. I bet that once she settles in though, they'll all forget again, about me that is. Sometimes I wish that I could be a real team member and not just a... a tea boy. I wish they saw me as an equal, or close to, and not just a doorbell. Gwen could be the one to change that though! Well, either that or she'll just forget about me, like they all do, even Jack."

It was proving harder to read this that Jack expected. Ianto had been so hurt by the team at first, and yet he never let it show. He was so strong, so respectful. What was more, Jack notices that Ianto had really forged a connection with him from the start, as innocent as it may have been. In all the early entries, Ianto always mentioned Jack. Jack being funny, arrogant, ignoring him, paying attention, hell, Jack was on every page. Ianto really was so caring about him, just because he gave him a chance. Smiling, Jack continued to read on. It was mainly complaints, wants, desires, but then there was this huge gap. Ianto left a few months out, from right before the Lisa incident to the point when Jack was missing with Tosh. Jack figured it was because of the greif, then the fact the two of them begun...something. It was something at first. Still, Ianto came back during the hours that Jack was trapped in the 40's. He came and wrote. Jack knew it would be hard to read, judging by the tear stains on the paper, presumably left by Ianto. Still, he decided to read the entry.

"It's been a while since I've written, too long. I've been so...caught up in the madness of Torchwood. Lisa's dead. She had been dead for a while. It did hurt like hell at first, but I've moved on. I figure it's better that she died with a scrap of humanity, before the machine fully engulfed her. The entire team didn't talk to me for a while, and I did fear for my life. When Jack held that gun to my head...god, my heart had never beaten like that. It wasn't even that I might have died, but the fact it would be at his hand. Looking back, it still scares me. But then again, Jack was the first one to really show me an act of kindness after the Lisa thing. It was weird, like a moment out of a movie. I saw him all alone, and he saw me. We connected. He put his hand on my shoulder and...well, it felt amazing. Like he cared. Like he does care.

It's hard to talk about how it came about, us. I am a bit confused myself. He did start paying more attention to me, laughing with and at me, giving me stares and looks of all sorts. What really made it, for me, start, was when he gave Gwen that look. She was so thoughtless, asking who we last kissed. They all were, even Jack, but when they remembered, he really did look at her like he had looked at me when I let him down: a look of pure disgust, for me. I was angry, but I think that's when it started for me. That's when I realized how amazing he was...is. It all just happened so quickly though, suddenly we were kissing behind doors, running to his room once the rest left. Excuse my crudeness paper, but suddenly I found myself serving more than coffee. The thing was, for him it was pure physical. But it became more than that more me. I began to fall for his charm, wit, wisdom, everything. It feels weird, but I can't do a thing.

And now he's gone, lost in the rift. Sure, if he's trapped there he will grow up and meet me again, but then this thing will be gone, long forgotten for him but fresh for me. I miss him so much. He's trapped and we know it, but I need him back. I wish I could tell someone, but if I do, they'll know. Heck, they probably already do, but still. I don't want them to know that I need him with all my being, wheras he doesn't. Not as much.

And it pains me, knowing that he will just move on and never feel a thing.

I would pray, but what's the use. All I can do if hope that Jack will find his way back. I've tried so hard and now I just need him here."

Jack let the tears go. He didn't know what to do. He remember those moments back at the dance so clearly, telling the real Jack that there was no one for him, when Ianto was there all along, hurting because of him. Jack wished he'd known, wished Ianto would have just told him. But then again, if Ianto had told Jack all these things back then, Jack knew he would have run away, scared. He was a different man before he went travelling with the Doctor. However, knowing Ianto felt all these things made him hurt so much. Their relationship had been so one sided for so long, and Jack hated it. He wanted to go back and just tell Ianto what he felt know. Plus, he never knew how much pain the whole Lisa problem had caused. It was all too much. Ianto had hidden so much, but it was all Jack's fault. It would always be Jack's fault.

Jack stifled his tears and brought Ianto's blazer close to his face before reading on. He laughed at Ianto's complaints about Owen, smiled at his loving accounts of Tosh and his hopes for her happiness, smirked at his weird fetishes that popped up. He felt his stomach lurch every time Ianto wrote about Jack paying more attention to Gwen, or about his jealously of Gwen. Once sentence in particular hurt more than the rest. "I can never give him what she can: something he longs." For a while Jack did want Gwen, long for her, but then he realized that his affectionate feelings for her were friendship. He did love her, but as a best friend. The two made a great pair, but she wasn't what he needed. He just never wanted to accept that Ianto was in his heart. Still, he continued on. He shook his head when Ianto would complain about his body. To Jack, Ianto was always perfect. He just wished he had told him that.

The diary was very thick, but Jack finally came to the final entry. He looked at the date and gasped, bringing the blazer closer to his face. It was the day after Jack blew up himself and the hub: the day Ianto spent alone, wondering if Jack was alive and ever coming back. He gulped. Reading this would be the end, Ianto would be gone. No more diaries, no more ghosts, just memories. Jack considered closing the diary. He briefly went over the main things he got out of it. Ianto had said, somewhere after Owen and Tosh died, that Jack would never love him as much as Ianto loved Jack. Ianto had also confessed his love for Jack, even saying that he could never love anything more. He confessed his worries about Jack leaving him, but also said that maybe it would be better, Ianto growing old and Jack not seeing him die slowly. Ianto always cared more about Jack than himself, and all his worries were Jack oriented. He spoke of the nights they spent together, lying in each others arms, just breathing. He re-wrote his speech to Jack from when he was in a coma, then said that he worried Jack heard (if only he knew, Jack had heard every single second.) Still, this last entry was scary. Jack didn't want Ianto to be gone, but he knew he would need to read it at some point. Ianto would have wanted that...He wiped his eyes and took in a few breaths, before moving the pages closer to his eyes. Jack began to read.

"It's all going to shit. Some people are trying to kill us. Gwen is on the run but I can't reach her. Jack is...oh God, Jack. They planted a bomb in him and he blew up the hub. His body would have been blown into pieces. He's dead.

I tried to stay with him. I wanted to be there with him, but pushed me away. It wasn't in a bad way, he just wanted to save me. He tried to reassure me that he could survive anything, but I know he was scared too. I wish he was with me now so much. What if he doesn't come back?

But he will. I have confidence in him. He's the single most amazing person I have met, and if there is anyone who can make it through this, it's him. He'll come back and stop whatever is going on, and I'll be with him every step of the way, until the end.

The thing is, I have to run. They're going to try and kill me, and no doubt they will look here. In this house. It's been so long since I've been here, but it's understandable. It's not my home anymore, my home is wherever Jack is now. He is my home. God, I sound like such a love sick boy, but it is love. I know it. No one can make me so happy with one look, so concerned with one worry, so sad with one story. He is the one for me. I may not be the one for him, but he's the only person for me. It's so strange, this feeling. It's engulfing me, pushing all common sense out of my mind and replacing those spaces him him. I can't imagine a life without Jack. He's become my world.

I don't know if Jack loves me. I don't think I ever will. It's not like him to tell people his feelings, but I have hope. He's told me things I don't think he's told anyone else. He's connected with me. On what level? I can't tell, but it's something. We are unique, us two. I really get him. He really gets me. Sure, he's not as loving as I would like him to be, but that's Jack. Besides, what he lacks in affection, he makes up in...well, I won't say.

I just really miss you. I am going to run, find him, fight for him, fight with him. I have to. I'm leaving this house and this city behind. Maybe I'll come back, maybe we'll settle down elsewhere. Who knows what the future has in store for me, for us. Jack and me. But I'm scared. This is the only problem we've faced where I actually think I might not make it. It's silly, and I shouldn't think like this, but I am worrying. What if I die before I can tell him? What if he's really gone, and I never told him? God forbid.

So I'm going to write the rest of this to you Jack. I don't know if you will ever read this. If we make it through, I'll give this to you. If you don't make it, maybe you'll find this somewhere out there. If I don't make it, well, I know you'll find it. You'll come looking for me here, the one place I've never shown you. This house, which is no longer my home. Unless you're in it with me. So here goes.

Hi Jack. As of right now, I miss you. You know that? When you're not with me, I miss you. I ache for you all over, but mainly in my heart. The thing is Jack, these last years I've been with you, working with you, being with you, dating you, you've changed me. You don't know it yet, because I've bottled it all up, but the thing is, you're the reason I'm a good person. You've become a part of me. You remember those first nights we spent together, when the team would leave and you'd pull me down into your room? When we'd wake up and I'd have to rush back to my house to get changed and be back in time so they wouldn't suspect? Well, sometimes I'd wake up before you, and I just wouldn't move. I'd lie there, relishing in the fact I was lying in your arms. I didn't know why, but I just wanted to lie in your arms forever. When you'd kick me out, it hurt. I never really registered the feelings until after you came back, after we began officially 'dating.' Then, they registered. I tried to hide them, pretend they weren't there, but it was too hard. I just let them take control. Honestly, I was just scared I would fall deep in...those feelings, and you wouldn't ever even care. I would be another toy for you. It hurt.

But then you began to change. You told me these things that you never told Gwen or the others. You would take my hand in public, hold me in front of the others, flirt with me like you did with all the other people and beings. You had faith in me. And you know what really made me think you changed? You would let me lie in your arms for as long as I liked. There was no secrecy, I didn't have to run out to change and hide us. You didn't care. You would wake up and smile. I could always feel your smiles. We would lie there in harmony, not caring about the world, the aliens, the danger. It was us.

So Jack, if you've read this, I'm assuming you've read this entire diary, which means you know me better than before. I hope you can use these words to strengthen our relationship, to like me more, love me more. I hope these words have affected you, changed the way you see me for good. Once you read it, tell me Jack, because I'm dying without conformation. Here, I'll say it first. And when I write this, I mean it. So here goes.

Jack, if I can never say this to you in person, here it is. Jack Harkness, my other piece, I love you. I will always love you.

You don't have to love me, because I know you, I know what you're like, but now you know. Jack, I love you. You can move on once I grow old and die, keep going and find someone, but know that I will always be with you. I will always love you, Jack.

Goodbye for now."

Jack turned the page, hoping for more, but there was nothing. He kept turning, frantically, through the empty white pages that he could have filled. When he got to the end, he brought the book close to his heart, and began to cry. Sitting there, on the bed they could have shared, Jack sat with the last remaining piece of Ianto. His thoughts were in his hands. Ianto was gone, forever. There was no 'for now', because it was goodbye forever. Jack pulled the blazer in close to his heart two, so there were more pieces of Ianto with him. He thought of Ianto's words and began to cry even harder. Everything he had said, Jack felt too. He just never said it in time. Ianto would never know. He told those Ianto ghost he loved him, but was that really Ianto? Did he really know? Jack shook his head, sobbing. He didn't know how to go on.

Then he saw it, a pen lying on the bedside table. He could have sworn it wasn't there before, but never the less, it was there now. He grabbed it and opened the diary to the next blank page. Ianto had confessed everything through words, so Jack could too. He began to write frantically. He wasn't as good with words, but he needed to try, for Ianto.

"Dearest Ianto. You will never know, not to the extent I want you to. I am going to be brief because, Ianto, you've said it all. Honestly, you have. You always do. You always know what to say for the both of us. That's one of the reasons I wish you were still here. You are the piece of me I need to keep going. So here goes. I'm saying it back. I can only pray, well, hope, that you will somehow know this. Please, if there is a God, let him know this.

Ianto Jones. I love you with all my heart. I wish I told you while we were both alive, and that is one of the biggest mistakes I've ever made. Ianto, you are what kept me going. As soon as you were gone, I became a monster. Because I need you to stay sane, stay good, stay me. You are a part of me Ianto. I don't know how long I've felt like this, because I'm always pushing those feelings away. But now I don't want to. I want you.

I will go on and live a good life for you. I'll do good, you'll see. I can't say I'll ever move on Ianto, and I'm sorry. I know you wouldn't want me to carry this pain with me, but it's almost my penance. For the lack of love I showed you, for the worries I caused. For the everything I did that hurt you. But it's not all I will carry around. Ianto, you will always be with me. I may be with others, see others, and seem like I don't care, but I will never forget you, or how I loved you, or how I missed you. Ianto, I don't know if you are my soulmate, but deep down I think you are. I can't imagine ever finding someone who I will love like I loved you. If you're watching, just know that. I may settle down with someone, many someones, but you are, for me, the one. I've decided. You're it Ianto. I can't deny it.

I'll never forget us Ianto. I'll never forget those nights we spent, those games we played, those moments we shared. Ianto, there are so many things I want to say but I can't get it out. My words, well, they aren't as beautiful as you're beautiful welsh vowels. See? I remember it all. I always will.

Ianto Jones, I'm saying it again. Writing it again. I love you. I will always love you, no matter how many more years I go on. You will always be with me, until the end. I promise. Whenever I hear someone bringing tea or coffee, whenever I wear a tie or a red shirt, you will be right at the front of my mind, but even when I'm doing other things, you'll be with me. Always.

Oh, and Ianto? You are perfect to me. You always have been.

, Jack."

Jack closed the diary, smiling. Ianto was gone, but he'd said it all. Ianto would never know, but still, it was said and done. He grinned, standing up. He put the diary in his pocket to keep close to him, whenever he needed some Ianto in his life. He placed the blazer around his arm, to remind him about Ianto's looks, and how lovely they were. He also grabbed some photos of Ianto, some with the whole team, some with him and Jack, some with just him. He smiled, remembering every single photo being taken. Glancing around, Jack saw one last item to take. He walked over and grabbed it from atop of some books. The famous stopwatch. He laughed, remembering all the games they played with it. He put it on his inside coat pocket, grinning.

Ianto would never leave his heart or mind. Not for the rest of his life.

"Hey Ianto," Jack said aloud as he left the building, "I'm going to make you proud. You'll see."

"Oh yeah, one last thing Ianto. Thank you."