p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"Astinus, voice over, addressing the audience: Well guys, here we go./p
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"The lights come up, showing our beloved Raistlin. All the females in the audience, ALL THE FEMALES, simultaneously swoon over the actor playing Raistlin and a flurry of estrogen-filled whispering breaks out, much to the annoyance of the people trying to video the show because they know they'll have to edit out the background noise. Some men also feel confused about their sexuality, and hastily try to think about sports instead./p
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"Also Caramon is there. Absolutely no one cares./p
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"The twins go through the standard R/C dialogue, of Caramon saying something stupid, and Raistlin pointing out how stupid it was and then Caramon apologizing and then Raistlin coughing and then Caramon fussing over him. If you've read any of the books, you know what I mean. They reach an inn and enter./p
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"A woman walks on stage. She is your typical, ridiculous, objectified, 80's fantasy female. The audience recognizes her and hisses quietly. She sings about how she's been traveling for so long and needs shelter and also needs to have sex before she can go home. Her name is Amberyll, which is an atrocious name and whoever made it up, should be beaten for and appropriate amount of time./p
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"She enters the inn./p
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"Astinus, voice over: Now the Irda had this thing called the Valin, a magical aphrodisiac. This is ridiculous. I mean, young males of ANY species not wanting to have sex? Crazy, right? It could even be argued that any species that doesn't naturally want to have sex deserves to die, but an historian is impartial, anyway.../p
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"The lights come up on the inside of the inn. Amberyll is saved from rape by Raistlin and Caramon./p
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"Astinus, v/a: You can see how great this writing is already, rape as a plot device, how wonderful./p
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"Amberyll, staring at Raistlin with her magical Mary-Sue eyes: Oh all the people I could chose to have sex with in this inn, I'll chose you, the one who'll enjoy it the least./p
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"She drags Raistlin outside and Caramon, who cannot imagine anyone not wanting to have sex, does nothing./p
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"Amberyll explains how they must have sex now or they will DIE! Because now they are bonded together with Irda magic./p
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"She grinds her body against Raistlin's and the audience cringes, like you do when you see a couple making out on the street./p
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"Raistlin: You are aware that this is non-consensual, otherwise known as RAPE, and I will prosecute you to the full extent of the law, as well as other horrible things I can think up?/p
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"Amberyll responds by pulling off his outer robe. The females gasp, but it turns out he's wearing another one underneath it./p
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"She then sings a song espousing an incorrect version of love, like a Disney song but not G-rated. At its end she smashes herself against Raistlin again and the stage goes dark suggestively./p
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"There is a long pause, while the audience sits, angry and horrified, in the dark and then Astinus walks on stage./p
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"Astinus: None of that actually happened./p
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"The people in the audience who didn't read the books begin sobbing with relief and the ones who did are thrilled nonetheless./p
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"Astinus: Eighteen years later.../p
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"He exits and a young woman walks on./p
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"Usha: Hi. My name is Usha Majere and I have long silver hair, about half way down my mid-back and golden eyes like limpid tears. I've been been told I look like Raistlin Majere. I'm actually related to him; he's my father. I'm really thin but I'm not anorexic, I just don't gain weight. I have huge boobs though, maybe that's where all my fat is. I've lived on an island with the Irda for eighteen years, but now I'm in Palanthas, looking for my father. And also, because my father's liked the most powerful wizard in the world, I'm pretty talented too./p
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"She disappears in a cloud of smoke./p
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"The lights come up, showing our beloved Raistlin. All the females in the audience, ALL THE FEMALES, simultaneously swoon over the actor playing Raistlin and a flurry of estrogen-filled whispering breaks out, much to the annoyance of the people trying to video the show because they know they'll have to edit out the background noise. Some men also feel confused about their sexuality, and hastily try to think about sports instead./p
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"Also Caramon is there. Absolutely no one cares./p
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"The twins go through the standard R/C dialogue, of Caramon saying something stupid, and Raistlin pointing out how stupid it was and then Caramon apologizing and then Raistlin coughing and then Caramon fussing over him. If you've read any of the books, you know what I mean. They reach an inn and enter./p
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"A woman walks on stage. She is your typical, ridiculous, objectified, 80's fantasy female. The audience recognizes her and hisses quietly. She sings about how she's been traveling for so long and needs shelter and also needs to have sex before she can go home. Her name is Amberyll, which is an atrocious name and whoever made it up, should be beaten for and appropriate amount of time./p
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"She enters the inn./p
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"Astinus, voice over: Now the Irda had this thing called the Valin, a magical aphrodisiac. This is ridiculous. I mean, young males of ANY species not wanting to have sex? Crazy, right? It could even be argued that any species that doesn't naturally want to have sex deserves to die, but an historian is impartial, anyway.../p
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"The lights come up on the inside of the inn. Amberyll is saved from rape by Raistlin and Caramon./p
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"Astinus, v/a: You can see how great this writing is already, rape as a plot device, how wonderful./p
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"Amberyll, staring at Raistlin with her magical Mary-Sue eyes: Oh all the people I could chose to have sex with in this inn, I'll chose you, the one who'll enjoy it the least./p
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"She drags Raistlin outside and Caramon, who cannot imagine anyone not wanting to have sex, does nothing./p
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"Amberyll explains how they must have sex now or they will DIE! Because now they are bonded together with Irda magic./p
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"She grinds her body against Raistlin's and the audience cringes, like you do when you see a couple making out on the street./p
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"Raistlin: You are aware that this is non-consensual, otherwise known as RAPE, and I will prosecute you to the full extent of the law, as well as other horrible things I can think up?/p
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"Amberyll responds by pulling off his outer robe. The females gasp, but it turns out he's wearing another one underneath it./p
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"She then sings a song espousing an incorrect version of love, like a Disney song but not G-rated. At its end she smashes herself against Raistlin again and the stage goes dark suggestively./p
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"There is a long pause, while the audience sits, angry and horrified, in the dark and then Astinus walks on stage./p
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"Astinus: None of that actually happened./p
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"The people in the audience who didn't read the books begin sobbing with relief and the ones who did are thrilled nonetheless./p
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"Astinus: Eighteen years later.../p
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"He exits and a young woman walks on./p
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"Usha: Hi. My name is Usha Majere and I have long silver hair, about half way down my mid-back and golden eyes like limpid tears. I've been been told I look like Raistlin Majere. I'm actually related to him; he's my father. I'm really thin but I'm not anorexic, I just don't gain weight. I have huge boobs though, maybe that's where all my fat is. I've lived on an island with the Irda for eighteen years, but now I'm in Palanthas, looking for my father. And also, because my father's liked the most powerful wizard in the world, I'm pretty talented too./p
p style="max-height: 999999px; font-family: Verdana, Verdana, Arial; font-size: 13px;"She disappears in a cloud of smoke./p