AN: Random thing that demanded to be written. Doesn't really have a specific time frame but merlin's line is from Le Morte d'Arthur (i take no credit)
Disclaimer: I don't own BBC Merlin
"Whatever the price is, I will pay it gladly", Merlin says before he runs off to give his life for Arthur. It gives you a strange sense of nostalgia, takes you back to a time when you would have done anything for Uther.
Before fear and hatred burned away all the love and mercy, leaving only a sense of justice, you've so many times tried to tell yourself that it's enough. Before Igrane even, back to a time when you studied magic and medicine and tried to combine the two.
You remember a boy who seemed to end up in your care very often, much younger than you of course, but mature and a close friend. These memories are bittersweet, sweet because of the hope and happiness they hold, and bitter because it is gone now, destroyed by one horrible mistake.
You wish he hadn't loved Igrane that much, it would have been much simpler that way. Maybe his vengeance wouldn't have been as horrible then. There was a time when you told yourself you only wanted him to be happy, that you didn't care that he didn't care for you anymore, that you wished only the best for him and his queen, you never managed to convince yourself and now when she's dead there's no way you can compete, you can never outclass a memory.
You watch Merlin run off to save his prince and you wonder if you'd do that for Uther, you wonder if you still love him. Of course you would, of course you don't. There's something wrong with that thought, you backtrack it.
There was a time you would have done anything for him, of course you never had to take the risks Merlin is taking, but if you had, you wouldn't have hesitated. You didn't have a grand destiny, and maybe Uther wasn't half the young hero Arthur is, but it didn't matter, you would have done it anyway. Things are different now, your king is broken, strong but broken nevertheless, damaged in a way you can't fix. You wonder if it would have been different if Igrane had lived, it hurts to think of any way you turn it.
Yes, there was a time when you loved him, but that was long ago, when he was less ruthless, when he cared.
You look down on the potion you were making, the urge to enchant it has nearly gone now, suppressed for years, you sometimes forget your magic, forget you could make the potion twice as effective with just a couple of words.
You wonder why you didn't keep using magic when he banned it, you defied him at some points, there were people you saved, as well as books and objects, just in case they would be needed, or if the king changed his mind, you have given up hope on the latter.
You could have left, any time in all these years you could have just taken your things and gone, he wouldn't have followed you. Maybe because he wouldn't think you were worth the trouble, or maybe because he thought you had earned the right to make your own decisions, either way he would pretend not to notice, you hope he would just be pretending, you wonder if you could bear it otherwise.
But here you are, betraying him as little as possible and still here after all these years. The good in him outweighs the bad you think as you continue with the potion. Your mind wanders to Merlin once more and to your earlier question, and the answer comes as easy as it did the first time, of course you would do the same thing as your young ward is doing right now. Of course you would do anything for him.
In the end it is simple, why you are still here, helping him the best you can and keeping him alive and as much on the right path as possible. Everything he has done matters, especially the bad parts, no, you don't love him anymore, but it doesn't change anything, your place is, and always will be by his side.