A Moby Dick-bashing fic for those that hated the book, or those that are being forced to read it and are very bitter about that. I know it's not the best format or anything, but it's supposed to be something silly, so don't flame me please.

Disclaimer: I do not own Moby Dick, or any characters mentioned. Nor do I own the Starbucks logo.

Call me Ishmael. That could be my name, but it probably is not. For you see, you are about to endure over six hundred pages of nonsense, and I do not want to be linked to it in any way, shape, or form. But before you embark on this painful and perilous journey, I must tell you a few things which you must keep in mind.

1. Whales are totally fish.

2. Moby Dick is real.

3. I am not gay.

4. Your English teacher has no social life.

5. You will never again laugh at the word 'spermaceti.' Trust me, you won't.

6. Your English teacher will.

7. If you accept the fact that I am a pathetic loser with the unfair advantage of being the narrator, and the entire story will suddenly make sense.

8. Ahab is a pirate, but don't expect a Johnny Depp.

9. Herman Melville made an oopsie. If you find it, you may get extra credit.

10. Herman Melville's oopsie proves that the book is too long.

11. Ahab's crew is a bunch of mindless buffoons who should have committed mutiny.

12. Starbuck is not the woman on the Starbucks logo. No matter how many lattes you drink to keep yourself awake as you read, he will not magically transform into her.

13. It's okay to spark-note the book. Don't waste time you could have spent sleeping.

14. The entire book could have been over in a matter of five pages.

Now, I know you must be asking yourself why the heck these pieces of information are so odd, but trust me, once you read the book, you'll understand. And please, if you are only reading the book to get the jokes in this list, please just email Sirius Blaak instead, because I possess her on Mondays, and I can explain everything for you.

If you still plan to read the book, I must congratulate you. The very person I possess has not successfully made it though the six hundred page marathon, and does not plan to any time soon. She passed English, so why can't you?

For the nerds, there is a spoiler below. So if you actually plan to read the book, do not continue.

Here is a two minute synopsis of the book for all those who have a pop-quiz tomorrow and need to pretend to have read the book:

There's a dude who calls himself Ishmael. He decides it would be totally cool to embark on a whaling journey. He shares a bed with a tattooed monster named Queequeg (okay, pervs, stop giggling), and then they join Ahab's crew, a guy who's missing a few limbs. (cough PIRATE cough) Said guy has a obsessive relationship with some whale called Moby Dick, who happens to be white and is considered God by several English teachers. They sail in circles for a while, they meet some other captain guys who are a lot saner, then everybody is killed by Moby Dick.

Except Ishmael.

Because someone's gotta tell the story, right?

PS. They all think that whales are fish.

PPS. It's a waste of paper and ink. Let's donate the books to homeless people so they can make a fire.

Okay, the spoiler's over, if you really care…

I hope you have enjoyed Ishmael's survival guide to Moby Dick. Your authoress felt that the man that took away countless hours of her life should give a little something back, so she had a séance and this is the result.

Have fun reading!! (runs away laughing at those that have to read it)