Author's note: This is a parody my husband wrote to me of my original story, 'Surgeon of Life'. I got a kick out of it, and I hope you do too!
Disclaimer: I nor my husband own any the the characters, movies, celebrities, and/or companies in this story.
A Legend is Born
Trafalgar Law was enjoying himself. He had a glass of wine in hand, and his crew was relaxing. The atmosphere in the pub was air, just like it is everywhere else. As Law was about to order the talking bear named Bepo to get him something to eat, a loud noise at the entrance caught his attention.
"Is there a doctor here?" a frantic man cried. "My wife is in labor and the town doctor can't help!"
Law's crew looked to their captain and he gave them a look that said, "Say it and you will wish you were bread." The man was about to leave when Bepo pointed to Law.
The man ran to Law and tackled him to the ground. "You're a doctor! You have to help my wife!"
"No" was Law's reply.
"Yes" said the man.
"You have two seconds to get off me or I will kill you."
"You have two seconds to get your ass moving or you will regret it! I ate the Nas-Nas Fruit. It makes me a nasty man. Unless you want you and your crew to be covered in something that will smell like vomit in a baby's asshole for the next month, I suggest you get your ass moving Mr. Fuzzy Hat."
Law knew he was beaten. Having experienced vomit in a baby's asshole first hand, he was not too eager to do it again. Let alone clean Bepo's fur of it again.
"Bepo, I need you to go get my OB bag."
Bepo looked puzzled for a moment "Is that the red one?"
"No, the Red one is my badminton set, the OB bag is my 'Hello Kitty' bag."
"Sorry." Bepo started off to the ship.
"Okay men. I got something to do, stay with the ship until I get back." Law turned to the other man, "by the way, where is the place and what's your name?"
"I'm Herman, and I am nasty. My wife is here." As he finished his sentence, he threw a woman at Law from seemingly nowhere. As she landed, Law's crew began to scream, the sight before them was simply too much for their psyche to handle.
The woman, Mrs. Tabitha Nasty, was hard to define logically. Her face can only be described as a meme troll. A nonstop walrus moan oozed from her mouth. From her neck her belly was a tarp of fat. No rolls, just a big ass tarp. Her feet were so knobby that Law's medical mind told him goiters, although that defies all medical knowledge. Perhaps the most disturbing part was the gaping maw where the child was to be born. It breathed... enough said.
Bepo came running in carrying the 'Hello Kitty' bag, as soon as he saw the woman, and heard her seal moans, he immediately mauled her. Trafalgar grabbed the bag and began to suit up. He put on a pair of Uggs, sweatpants, a wife beater shirt, a pair of welding goggles and full welding mask, a pair of wool winter mittens and a 'Kiss the chef' apron.
"Alright men, let's get this done! I need vitals!"
"Her breathing is shallow, and Bepo looks like he is trying to get through the blubber tarp." A tech reported.
"Keep me informed of his progress. I need two buckets of hot water, a flour tortilla… scratch that, make it whole wheat. I also will require a garbage bag and an update from Mr. Forman."
Mr. Forman stood up from behind the bar, "Dumbass! Deliver that horse from the beached lady or I'll put my foot in your ass!"
"You heard 'Red'! I need 40 cc's of Speedinupbirthzapan. What is Kidd doing here?"
All eyes turned to the man standing by the door. Captain Kidd and Killer stood by the door with a few of their crew.
"Ahh, Trafalgar Law, I didn't know you could deliver animals too. And don't worry about me; I am just in town to get my nipples shaved. The crew was beginning to complain the hair was getting in their teeth during feedings."
Two of Kidd's crew smiled, teeth full of hair.
Law puked.
His crew puked.
On the moon, Enel puked.
After recovering, Law noted that the contractions were eight seconds apart.
"She's going to birth this thing at any minute. I am going to see if I can reach the head."
"You crazy Jesus! You crazy!" Was all Chris Tucker could say.
Law reached his mittens in as far as they would go. "The head is way too big," he noted.
"Ok men, burn these gloves and get me my sword. This bitch is gonna need a manual opening. Has Bepo made any progress?"
"Yes Captain, he has eaten through the first two layers, but her neck seems to be oozing bear mace."
Straw Hat Luffy bust threw the door "Did anyone see where that meat went?"
"It's on the roof Luffy!" came a cry from outside.
Luffy shot through the ceiling faster than Monique at a buffet.
"Room!" a greenish light filled the area. Law drew his sword, grabbed some crayons and colored it. He placed it on the bar refrigerator and took his blade out of the scabbard. He made several slashes from ten feet away….but nothing happened.
"Shit! He has Haki! Get me a steak knife, a band aide, and some Robitussin!"
"Gomu-Gomu No..." everyone looked up at the ceiling from the call outside, "Giganto Jet Axe!"
A giant foot came crashing into the room from above. It hit the woman in the chest causing a chain reaction of events. The fat tarp bubbled from the pressure and shot Bepo out the door, right in front of Tony Tony Chopper. Thinking a polar bear was trying to eat him, Chopper popped three rumble balls into his mouth. Going berserk, he proceeded to make a paste out of Bepo until there was nothing left. Next, the sudden pressure shot the baby out at a speed that defies logic. Law, now wearing a catcher's mit, attempted to catch the child, only to be smashed against the wall and killed instantly.
"Thanks for getting me out of there! I got lost and decided to take a nap" Zoro said after being freed from the body of the monster.
Everyone cried over the death of Law, quickly got over it, and joined the postal service.
Law however was walking through the gates of Heaven.
"Welcome to Heaven Trafalgar Law, I am God."
Law turned around to face God. "Morgan Freeman?"
"That's me. You can just call me God up here. I'm off the clock. Now I need you to go haunt the living. Use you power to remove a few clits, and then fuck with them while they try to do stuff like... drive or fight."
From that day on, the legend of the clit was born. Men can't find them, because Traffy has them all.
END