Title: Is It Really Worth It?
Authoress: GundamPilot03
Disclaimer: I'm too depressed to say it. You all know it so I shouldn't have to. It'll just make me even more depressed and suicidal. If it'll make you happy though, I don't own anything about Gundam Wing except this story.
Summary: This is the kind of torture that takes place when this authoress is a little too stressed out and then gets depressed and turns suicidal.
Please read and review.
As I sit here watching the rain pour down, I begin to wonder is life is really worth this. Is it worth all this pain? I'm forced to live so far from the one I love. I know he loves me as well, but we hardly see each other. We've been together for nine months and have seen each other once during that whole time. I really miss the time when we used to see each other everyday. Sure it used to be under stressful situations, but we would deal with them together.
I sigh as I pull out one of my knives and twirl it around my fingers. Lightning flashes and lights up the dark room, glinting off the blade of my knife and reflecting in my eyes. The steel blade is cold against the sensitive skin of my wrist and forearm as I run the knife against my arm. I shutter slightly at the cold touch. I shutter even more at the thought of what I'm contemplating. This isn't the first time that I've contemplated this, but my love was always there to stop me before. Even if he didn't know it, he has always stopped those thoughts before they got too far. But ever since we had to separate because of work, these thoughts have been occurring more and more often. His work has him traveling to a few different places but he stays in one place most of the time. My work takes me all over.
So unfortunately, he's not here to help me deal with all the stress like he used to. And I bet he's having to deal with a lot of stress that I would normally help him with, but can't. We usually try and talk on the phone at least once a week so we can vent to each other and deal with all the stress in our lives. Then we talk about anything else that might come up. That's how he's been able to keep those thoughts at bay. I usually send him a copy of my schedule and where I'm going to be, and then he'll call me on Friday night if my schedule allows it. Otherwise he calls on Saturday. I call him on Sunday though if he hasn't called me yet. And that's what I've had to do for the past couple weeks. But we still haven't gotten to talk. I'm always told that he's busy and can't be disturbed by anyone, even me.
I start twirling the knife in my fingers again as I begin to wonder if he's busy with someone else. That has to be it. Otherwise he would take my calls, no matter how busy he is. He always has before. That has to be the only logical explanation as to why he's not. He's found someone new and can't tell me. Or doesn't want to tell me and wants to keep me along with this new person. That's just cruel though. I push all these new thoughts to the back of my mind as a new one comes up that makes me chuckle darkly. I was always told that stress was a killer. Who would've guessed that it would be the way I go. Or the way I contemplate to go right now. I start to think back to something that happened earlier that week.
It's 9:30 on a Friday night. I should be at work. That is, except for the fact that I was forced to come home and take the week off. The stress of the last couple weeks had gotten worse than usual and had finally caught up with me. I was about to have a nervous breakdown. That is, until my boss told me that I was to come home and take the week off. Unable to argue, I did. But it hasn't helped yet. I'm still a nervous wreck and have gotten worse over the week. At work I at least had something to keep my mind off why I haven't been able to talk to my love. Here at home, I've had nothing but time to think. And every night, those thoughts have brought about the twirling knife in my fingers. My whole knife collection has become one of my best friends this past week.
It's a Friday night and I'm not waiting for that call anymore. I've been waiting for a couple weeks for a call that never came. I'm not waiting this week. I've got the note written out already and there's no one here to stop me. This may crush him, but I've decided that life is not worth it if I have to suffer all this pain. All the pain of not being able to see or talk to him when I'd like to, not being able to hold him close on nights like this or any other night for that matter. I just don't want to deal with this anymore.
I picture him with that lovingly seductive smile on his face that just makes me melt when I see it. I then picture him after he finds out the news. I shutter and quickly push that image out of my mind before bringing up the first one again as I stop twirling the knife. I shutter again as I press the cold steel against the sensitive skin of my wrist. I draw in a deep breath and slowly exhale as I press the knife against my wrist just enough to start the cut. I watch the small injury bleed for a few minutes before I slowly start to move the blade over my wrist. I stop right before I reach one of my veins that will help end it all as I hear my cell phone start ringing. I quickly throw the knife at the wall and pick up the phone off the table. "Hello?" I answered coolly.
"Have you missed me?" came the familiar, semi-seductive voice from the other end. I could hear the longing in the voice though.
"More than you could ever imagine," I reply coolly while staring at the knife that is stuck in the wall and pressing a clean cloth to the wound on my wrist to stop the bleeding.
Authoress Notes: There you go. Just a little thing. Even though it happens to be the first fan fic that I've finished that's getting posted. It's only planned to be a one-shot. I may continue it if enough people want me to. Otherwise, this is my first one-shot. Please review. Flames are welcome if you want to use them. They burn suicide notes nicely. And for those wondering, this is what happens when I'm extremely stressed out and then get depressed and go suicidal. I channel it into something else. AND I MISS MY B/F! I kinda based this off us. We've known each other for a couple years, but we've only been together for about nine months. And we've only got to see each other once. And that was back at Christmas. And I haven't talked to him in a few weeks so I'm getting a little depressed. I should call him later. Any who, can you guess who this is and who they're talking about? Just put it in a review and I'll let you know if you're right or not. And keep an eye out for some of my other stuff. I have one thing that will be up when my beta finishes with it and I get everything fixed. I hope that will be soon too. She's been a bit busy lately. Ahhhhhhhh. I feel much better now. Not suicidal anymore. Torturing characters, mine or not, is usually a good remedy for me.