AUthor's Note: Be warned that this is marked M for a reason, if you find yourself offended, well tough, because you've been warned. Due to a significant amount of innenduo I ask all minors turn back now, and throughly question your right to be on the computer at all, you obviously can't be trusted if you're searching using the Mature rating content.
Disclaimer: Naruto does not belong to me, nor does any other characters that pop up in this work of Fan Fiction. (Except Soap-kun, he's all mine. I request that you ask permision before using him.)
Futon
Naruto formed the ram seal, it was time to test his awesome new Jutsu! Naruto inhaled deeply before screaming so load windows all over Konohagakure shattered under the pressure.
" Futon: Fly!"
Naruto disappeared, on way to origins unknown.
In a random village
Naruto surveyed his knew surroundings, only one could describe this!
"Kick-ass!" Naruto crowed!
" OH MY FUCKING GOD! IT'S THE YONDAIME!" Some random by-standard screamed, pointing dramatically at Naruto.
"WHAT! WHERE!" Another yelped.
"KILLHEEEEEEEEEEM" Another roared charging blindly forward!
'Well fuck' Naruto face-palmed, this was just perfect. ANOTHER Angry mob on his ass. Naruto quickly formed the ram seal.
"Futon; Fly!"
"Oh my god, it was the Yondaime! He used Hirashin no Jutsu!" The village erupted into chaos, shouting and the sound of flesh meeting flesh rang out over all of Iwakagure as fights broke out, for no reason other than mass panic. If you squinted you could make out one person streaking, having jumped out of his bathtub the second he heard the reason of the commotion, Ayumu, foaming at the mouth rushed to tell everyone of the Yondaime's great return.
Gaara stared at his unwelcome guest, eye twitching.
"Uzumaki Naruto. Get out of my shower."
Naruto blinked, then seeing how close he was to kissing Gaara's love kanji, so to speak, squealed and back-peddled as far away from Kazekage as possible, which was unfortunately less than three feet before his back met with the tiled wall of the Kazekage's personal bath and shower with a fleshy smack.
Naruto blinked, staring at Gaara oddly.
"How the fuck did I manage to swallow the soap?"
Garra glared. His sand slowy began to pool at the bottom of the stall. Naruto gulped down a few suds in fear.
"Oh , yeah, getting out now.." Naruto murmured, his voice cracking slightly.
"..."
"Where's the door?" Naruto asked sheepishly.
In response Gaara formed a seal, the sand that had previously been pooling at their feet began to rise.
"Suna Punch"
Naruto eeeked, quickly forming the ram.
"Futon: Fly!" He screamed in Gaara's face.
Gaara watched in apathy as the blond rocketed through the wall and to places unknown. It took Gaara several seconds to realize the fucker had stolen his soap.
Naruto stared at the man towering above him, wielding a massive sword and dressed in Kage's robes.
"A bloodline?! I must end it now before it's taint spreads!" The Mizukage roared, quickly forming seals.
"Suiton: Mega Tsunami no Jutsu! Die Bloodline scum!"
Naruto didn't even bother to form the ram seal before screaming.
"Futon: Fly!" Naruto cackled as he was whipped away at warp speeds.
"Why am I cackling?" Naruto blinked, wondering why he was talking to himself in the first place. Shrugging he readied himself for his next landing. Hopefully this time it'd be somewhere in Konoha.
The Leader of Akatsuki smiled at him. "Well. Capturing the Kyuubi container was easier than I thought." he said pleasantly.
Naruto could only think of one word for this situation.
"Well fuck" Ok, so it was two words, fuck off.
"Indeed." Itachi agreed in a monotone.
Naruto's stomach rumbled, well, quaked would be a better description. Clutching at his revolting abdomen Naruto groaned. That soap he'd swallowed was making itself uncomfortably well known.
"You guys wouldn't' happen to have a toilet nearby, would you?" He managed over the growls, thumps, and other odd sounds premating form his person.
Naruto winced at a particularly loud squealching noise.
"Like, five seconds away from here!"
"..."
"NOW!" Naruto barked.
"Mangkyou Sharingan! You will imagine having a swirling in a toilet for 72 hours. Filled with dierheah!" Itachi cackled, revealing in his own evilness. The brat had some nerve to demand things from them!
"Um, Itachi, that's a hat rack, the kid's already in the bathroom" Kisame cautiously informed his friend. Itachi was acting weird again.
"Fuck you." Itachi humphed crossing his arms in a childish way that sent chills up Kisame's spine.
Distantly they heard a young mans voice give a blood curdling scream,
"Oh sweet merciful god!"
Naruto stared at his ruined clothes sadly, before using a low level Katon to burn them. Naked as the day he was born Naruto decided to try his luck again with his weird new Jutsu, who knows, maybe he'd end up in his apartment this time?
Once again Naruto didn't bother to from the Ram seal, he was proficient enough not to need it any longer.
"Futon: Fly!" He screamed.
"Dobe... why are you in my bed... and why are you NAKED?!" Sasuke glared at the blonde that lay a foot away.
"Better question, why the fuck do you sleep with a bar of soap!" Naruto choked.
Sasuke watched with fury and worry as Naruto choked on the bar of light green body wash.
"Soap-sama is my only friend. You ate my friend! Die! CHIDORI!" Sasuke cried, literally and figurativly as he charged at Naruto with the power of a Thousand Birds.
But before Sasuke could cross the foot gap between them Naruto spit foam in Sasuke's eyes. Blinded, the Uchiha flailed wildly, somehow managing to gut Naruto in the process with his glowing fist of awesome.
Naruto quite promptly died.
"God, not the fucking sewer thing again" Naruto sighed, trying to pretend he didn't know what the smelly liquid covering his feet was.
"PIDGEOT!"
Naruto jumped pointing at the giant pheasant dramatically.
"HOLY FUCK, A TALKING BIRD!" He screamed.
"What the fuck?! Brat. GET THIS FUCKING BIRD OUT!" Roared the Kyuubi, the useless ball of feathers had been keeping him up all night.
"It talks!" Naruto exclaimed, brushing off Kyuubi's pleas.
"Eot?"
"Omg" Naruto said.
"Pidgeot."
"Futon: Fly!"
"Oooh. Wonderful View!" Orochimaru said in a sing-song voice. Naruto shuddered as Orochimaru's bits pointed at him dramatically.
"I have got to pick some clothes up somewhere, seriously." Naruto said staring at the raging pedophile.
"MINE!" Orochimaru lunged at Naruto. Who squealed like a pig as the pale man flew at him.
"Don't worry Naruto, I'll save you!"
Naruto stared at the small bar of soap that sat on his shoulder, it looked oddly familiar.
"See. MY ONLY FRIEND" Sasuke exclaimed kicking open the chambers massive doors. Just in time to see Soap-sama throw itself in front of Orochimaru.
"Naruto-kun -URGH- Im choking!" Naruto could only stare as Orochimaru choked to death on a harmless bar of soap.
"OROCHIMARU-SAMA. NOOOOO... oooh.. I can practice necrophilia now." Naruto was starting to get scared as he watched Kabuto with the biggest, creepiest, grin he'd ever witnessed drag Orochimaru away.
"Sasuke...friend..."
"Hush, sweet prince." Sasuke sobbed over the left over bits of soap from Soap-sama's daring rescue.
"Brat. Might be a good time to FLY" The Kyuubi rumbled, disturbed.
" ...yeah." Naruto agreed. Ignoring the fact that the Kyuubi had just talked to him while he was awake.
"Futon: Fly!"
"Naruto-kun! How did you get inside my shower?!"
Naruto's eyes bugged out. Standing before him was Tsunade, her hair loose form it's usual tails plastered against her back, staring at him over her shoulder. His gaze roved her soap lathered skin, flushed from the hot water. Tsunade turned to face Naruto, bringing him face to face with her errect nipples.
Inside his mind Pidgeot fainted from bloodloss.
"Holy... goddesss" Kyuubi followed soon after beholding the minor deity that was Tsuandes' boobs.
"You're naked?!" She pondered out loud surveying him. Naruto blushed, embarrassedly when he saw just what she was staring at.
"Oh damn.. Your big. Hold on, lemme get ready" Naruto's knees gave out and he fell on his ass, but he hardly noticed the pain as he watched Tsuande prep herself for things Naruto had only dreamed about.
Naruto snapped.
"HAhahahahahah ahahahahahahahahahahahahah ahahahahahahahahahaha hahahahahahah ahahahahahahahahqahahahaha-" Tsuande silenced his maniacal laughter with a rough kiss. Hands sliding down to grasp at his length. It was almost like she was trying to mentally scar him.
It was purely by reflex that he activated his new Jutsu.
"Futon:Fly!"
"Where did he go? I wanted a good fuck damn it!" Tsuande pouted cutely at the unoccupied space that used to house her favorite blond.
Tsuande grinned, she'd just have to nab him whenever he got back.
"Hrm? Naruto? How in the flying fuck did you get here?" Rumbled the Toad Boss Gamabunta.
Naruto burst into maniacal laughter again. The whole world was going crazy!
"He's a bit...out of it right now" Soap-sama confided. Soap-Sama had made a quick recovery when Naruto had left him in Sasuke's arms, and now he was back in tip top shape! Naruto just laughed harder.
"Are you his girlfriend Soap-san?" Gamaikich questioned, he wasn't qutie sure what gender the bar of soap was.
"DOES NOONE FIND TALKING SOAP ODD!" Naruto screamed!
"Racist" Soap-sama accused. Naruto face-palmed.
Naruto had had enough, shoving the little bar of shite of his shoulder Naruto formed the Ram seal hoping for enough power to get the fuck out of where ever he was.
"Futon: Fly!"
"Wha? Who's this little blonde haired brat?" Sasori questioned a blond man to his right. Naruto stared at said man in horrified awe.
"You're in Shinigami land... HOW Naruto?" The Yondaime asked, giving Naruto a stern glare. The little gathering caught the attention of a passing Shinigami, and noticing that Naruto was very much not dead walked over.
"Oi... Get out. Shinigami's only." Ichigo told the little blond runt. His eyebrow twitched as he was dubiously ignored.
"I dont' know myself, Yondaime-sama." Naruto told the Yondaime sheepishly.
Arashi grinned at Naruto, a mischievous smirk spread across his face as he not so discreetly glanced at Ichigo who was ranting about something or another.
"Hey Naruto, want to see something cool?" He asked Naruto, poking him in the ribs. Naruto could only nod in a stuper, the Yondaime was going to show him something cool!
"YOU! Yes you with the MASK! You will DIE." Ichigo exclaimed rushing at Tobi, who had just appeared a few minutes ago. Something about swallowing a clay bird.
Before Ichigo could get far though, Arashi appeared above him in a flash of yellow, quickly delivering a spinning kick to his head.
"Blind-sided again, fucker" Arashi crowed victoriously. Naruto politly applauded. That was cool.
"You'll die too old man!" Ichigo growled, picking himself off the ground and wiping of some dirt.
The Yondaime just laughed in his face.
"HAhahahaha, Harashin no jutsu!" Arashi vanished in a burst of light.
Ichigo underwent his transformation into a hollow, he wouldn't let that old fart get away this time!
"Come out come out, where ever you are!"
"Futon...fly"
"Where the hell did I learn this funky jutsu anyway?" Naruto whined, kicking a rock.
"A human learned a pokemon technique?!" Ash exclaimed, having seen his arrival.
Yondaime Blind-sides Ichgo again before disappearing in a flash of light :"hahahaha, bitch"
Naruto ignored them, he was getting pretty good at denail.
"Pokemon? What are you, some kind of animal molester?"
"Pika Pi?" A yellow rat popped up from inside the black haired boys pants. Naruto face-palmed.
It was then that the Yondaime realized he'd broken through to the mortal world again. His eyes lit up as hie took up a pose, pointing firiecely at the sun.
"I'm free!" He crowed to the sky.
"There's so much I wanted to do, I- "
Arashi was cut off by a zanbuktoh gutting him like a fish. Naruto finally started paying attention to the fight when an orange masked figure plummeted from the sky, blind-siding Ichigo with an axe kick to the back of the skull.
"Tobi is being cool now!" Tobi squealed. Right before Ichigo ate his soul.
"Hello Obito, long time no see, ne?" Arashi asked his pupil up in the spirit world.
"Yondaime-sensei, I'm being cool like you now!"
End