Shadowed Light
By: Jessie Padia
(Past tense)
A few months ago I had the worst day of my life. I never thought it would happen, but it did. After that I spent the following months stressed and insanely depressed. I couldn't concentrate in school, my grades dropped beyond repair. I stopped eating, it was so bad that I had to be forced to eat, was being watched to make sure I ate, and I sleep more then anyone should in a day. When everything finally became too much and I couldn't take it anymore I went into a deep sleep. However it wasn't your ordinary sleep where you wake up when you feel its time… No this was of those sleeps that felt like you might never wake up again. After I fell asleep this is what I remembered…
I felt like I was alone in the dark, curled into a ball so tight that my legs and arms hurt. I was scared… scared of the shadows, the way they moved was not natural. It felt like it was a dream, but I couldn't shake the eerie feeling that it was more then that. There were so many questions I wanted to ask:
Where am I?
Who am I?
Why am I here?
Why can't I think of anything to help me get out?
These questions I have asked myself a number of times, times that felt like hours, hours that felt like days. But there was another question I needed to know… how long have I been here?
Hours
Days
Years
The shadows started to move, interrupting my thoughts. They started to brush against me and with each brush my hopes for life, to find the answers, grew weaker. Then I thought,
I brought myself here… to this shadowed darkness.
But why?
… To Get Away… the whisper faded slowly.
"But what am I trying to get away from?" I asked the fading whisper with one of my own.
Then the shadows quivered, as if to make way for something or someone. That's when I saw her or rather I saw myself, she was a part of me that I had never seen. She was dressed in a long elegant silky black dress with a velvety smooth robe. She was looking at me like I'm this pitiful little thing. Maybe I am….
You are not pitiful, just hmm… well maybe you are pitiful… Her words float around my mind as she laughs.
"Who are you?"
With a winking smile she said, "I am you, well a different you. You could say that I am the part of you that is darkness."
"What!! Where am I?!?"
"In every person there is light and darkness. This," she gestured to the area around us, "is your darkness and I am its keeper." I started to sit up, still confused about what was happening. With tears in my eyes, all I could say was, "I don't understand."
She crossed her arms over her chest, "Oh my! Well, let's see… how do I put this?? Gosh I never thought it would be so hard… hmmm…" She started to tap her chin as if she was thinking of the easiest way to make me understand. "OH! OKAY I'VE GOT IT!!! I think, anyways," she waved her hand in front of her face as if to wave the thought away. "You know that light and dark resides in everyone right? The dark that makes people do bad things, like killing people or wearing 70s clothes in this day and age {gross!! I really don't get it!!!}. Then there is the light that makes people to good things, like helping old people across the street or saving little kittens in a box from the rain {their always so cute hehee}."
"Umm yeah," I'm so lost right know it's not funny... This can not be happening!!!! The thought come out rashly as she continued speaking.
She stopped abruptly, frowning at me. No it's not funny! This is nothing to laugh about and it is whether you like it or not! Her words raced though my mind with a harshness that almost made me fall over.
"How did you--"
"I already told you… I am you. I know your ever move, your ever thought. Now listen because I don't like repeating myself and I won't!"
Too afraid to say anything else, I just apologized. She sighed, waved the gesture away, and started again. "Where was I? Oh yes! So the light and darkness in everyone are constantly fighting for control of the host—in this case—you. When you loss hope or rage takes over the dark grows stronger and fast," she breathed in happily, "therefore when you gain hope or save some ones life the light grows instead. And I'm not talking about hope as in faith or religion but as in the hope for life." She looked so evil, but it was an evil that was still beautiful. Maybe it was just her seriousness that made her look evil. Because of these you would think she'd be a scary witch with warts, a hunched back the whole shebang. No she was beautiful; flawless shin, flowing dark hair, deep honey brown eyes. She looked like an Egyptian goddess.
"Your dark side is easier to get out when something traumatic or depressing happens. What happened to you was that the depression and the stress of everything combined made you lock yourself away—here."
Feeling the strength in my body return, I was finally sitting up right and I practically started screaming at her, "Locked myself away? What are you talking about? Where is here? Where am I?" None of what she was saying was making any sense. She just watched me as my confusion grew into irritation.
With a calm voice all she said was, "Here." She tapped my forehead as if that was enough of a clarification.
"….. Here?!? Really?!? Are you kidding me! This has got to be a joke… no this can not be happening! This kind of stuff only happens in dreams or books or movies! Why are you doing this to me?!" stopping to take a breath and think, I hesitated, I needed to know something and I knew she would have the answers. Inhaling deeply I asked in a whisper, "Am I died?" then with a panicked gasp I added, "Goddess I can't be dead! My family still needs me! I JUST CAN'T--"
"You're not… you're sleeping, you have been under so much stress that you feel asleep. But this is not a sleep you can wake from easily. In order to wake up you must resolve the issues you're having."
"How am I supposed to remember what these issues are?"
"You must remember if you want to leave. However you also have to resolve it here and now, if you don't all of this will just happen again. Which by the way I would assume you don't?"
I laughed. "No, no not really, but if you are my darkness why help me? Wouldn't you want me to stay?"
"Goddess no! No offence, but with you here its way to crowded. Hmm hmmm… no I like being the only one here, it's peaceful. Sure it can be lonely but I have my shadows and they're company enough."